I married money and regret it

[Anonymous]

I am the DW in the situation but the salaries are reversed (I make 500k+ and husband very little) and I do all those things you do OP. So count your blessings that you do not have to do all of what you are doing now PLUS shouldering the burden of family income. Now that sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

You need to manage your expectations op. Or you two should have both better managed each other’s expectations. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and a husband who earns less money is not guaranteed to be doing more around the house.

What do you want your husband to do around the house? With 460-560K income, you can afford a full time nanny or housekeeper who will help with big chunk of what you now do. Once you find a person who you click with (and that can be some trial / error), that person will make your life significantly easier and will be more effective than trying to force your dh to scrub toilets or cook.

Is your dh against hiring full time person?

No, you didn’t read the thread. She is the one who is against hiring help. She doesn’t trust anyone to cook for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t that you married money. It is that it just isn’t enough money for the dad to be the checked out big earner dad who has household help for everything. That’s why you are stressed and unhappy. If you had a cook, nanny, housekeeper and cleaner, you wouldn’t regret it

400-500k is literally the 1% of earners in the U.S. They have a nanny and a housekeeper. Most women who work part time cook and raise their kids.

I know they have a nanny but where does it say that they have a daily housekeeper? That’s different from a cleaning lady who does a deep clean once a week. Housekeepers make life way easier because they help with all the daily pick up, all laundry, dishwasher, mess from the kids. Those kinds of things are what makes kids so exhausting and not enjoyable. I don’t think 500 k is enough for a FT nanny AND housekeeper unless there are very little savings

The she's doing it wrong. OP only works part time. What she should do is consolidate down to one person who works FT, watches the kids when she's working but can also help with some cleaning and meal prep.

OP, that's your parenting partner -- the FT nanny/housekeeper. Your DH is their dad but the person who is going to help you get through these little kid years with your sanity is going to be hired and paid. And then keep her when the kids start school and your whole world will open up.

I enjoy spending time with my children. I do not want a daily housekeeper or house manager.
I have zero interest in quitting my job.

I do not feel comfortable with someone handling our food. I have watched too many cooking videos and stuff to know the vast majority of people are unhygienic when it comes to preparing food. Not washing hands thoroughly between steps, trying food and then putting it back in the food, eating from the pot, etc. The same reason we don’t really eat at people’s houses. You never can trust their cooking.

You are a lot of the problem OP. You don’t eat at other peoples houses? What a weirdo.

I posted the thread above before reading this. Interesting. I wonder if part of his hesitation to do anything is that he won't do it right? Like he;ll buy milk instead of organic milk from the virgin cow.

Virgin cows don't give milk, for obvious reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

You need to manage your expectations op. Or you two should have both better managed each other’s expectations. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and a husband who earns less money is not guaranteed to be doing more around the house.

What do you want your husband to do around the house? With 460-560K income, you can afford a full time nanny or housekeeper who will help with big chunk of what you now do. Once you find a person who you click with (and that can be some trial / error), that person will make your life significantly easier and will be more effective than trying to force your dh to scrub toilets or cook.

Is your dh against hiring full time person?

No, you didn’t read the thread. She is the one who is against hiring help. She doesn’t trust anyone to cook for her.

Yes, didn’t go through the whole thread. Well, good luck to OP then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:quit your job AND hire help. Then enjoy yourself when kids are school age

Yes! Guarantee you can find worthy volunteer opportunities. I did. Most organizations are in dire need of younger, energetic and dedicated volunteers.

If you specific ideas on where to start I can help.

[Anonymous]

You married the wrong money guy. Leave him and find a richer guy who will do the laundry and scrub the toilets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married mostly for a good life and regret it. I shoulder almost all of the responsibility with little help from my husband. He isn't on board with taking on any more work because he brings in the big paycheck. I don't want to divorce but I feel overwhelmed. I sometimes wonder if I'm the problem and just expect too much.

You valued the wrong things and got them. By saying you want to stay in the marriage you making that same decision everyday.

You and I have different definitions of “a good life.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

You need to manage your expectations op. Or you two should have both better managed each other’s expectations. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and a husband who earns less money is not guaranteed to be doing more around the house.

What do you want your husband to do around the house? With 460-560K income, you can afford a full time nanny or housekeeper who will help with big chunk of what you now do. Once you find a person who you click with (and that can be some trial / error), that person will make your life significantly easier and will be more effective than trying to force your dh to scrub toilets or cook.

Is your dh against hiring full time person?

No, you didn’t read the thread. She is the one who is against hiring help. She doesn’t trust anyone to cook for her.

There are professional chefs who cook for families and make healthy food and are very clean-probably cleaner than OP. OP can’t afford them though, which is why she acts like she’s too good for one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[



He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Op you are wrong. You’re not married for money at all. What your DH make is solid middle class. You still have to work for 60k a year. I thought you were talking about married a billionaire or something and you just chilling at home but unhappy how he act or treated you .

Anyway, your DH just isn’t a helpful father or husband. That’s it. Gotta tell him to step up or hire help.

Yea I agree - you didn’t really “marry for money”. He makes good money but clearly not insane money.

My DH makes $700k and I make $150k - I do the majority of household/parenting items because DH works a lot. If he someday starts making well over $1 million a year I may step back from work but at this point we both need to work.

Learn what “need” means before you post again.

PP - we started making $160,000 when we first got married and have steadily increased every year. We have 3 kids and have paid off all our student loans over the course of a decade and a half. We are aggressively saving for college and for retirement.

Cool story. Your husband makes $700k. You absolutely do not “need” to work. Stop playing dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[



He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Op you are wrong. You’re not married for money at all. What your DH make is solid middle class. You still have to work for 60k a year. I thought you were talking about married a billionaire or something and you just chilling at home but unhappy how he act or treated you .

Anyway, your DH just isn’t a helpful father or husband. That’s it. Gotta tell him to step up or hire help.

Yea I agree - you didn’t really “marry for money”. He makes good money but clearly not insane money.

My DH makes $700k and I make $150k - I do the majority of household/parenting items because DH works a lot. If he someday starts making well over $1 million a year I may step back from work but at this point we both need to work.

Learn what “need” means before you post again.

PP - we started making $160,000 when we first got married and have steadily increased every year. We have 3 kids and have paid off all our student loans over the course of a decade and a half. We are aggressively saving for college and for retirement.

Cool story. Your husband makes $700k. You absolutely do not “need” to work. Stop playing dumb.

+1 these posts claiming 700k isn’t enough…I just can’t. My HHI is under 200k and we feel so fortunate to have what we need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

I had your situation except he wasn't making as much as your DH. He came from wealth though, too proud to ask for help though so we scrounged and got by. He worked extreme hours at his own business and I was left to handle literally everything related to the house and kids. What I mean by that is that I also did plumbing and electrical work.
I did not have access to money.
(Life became vastly different and improved after I went back to work and we separated)

Look, your DH is making a lot and you have access to it. You can afford to outsource. Your husband's talents do not lie in home maintenance - accept that and certain other facts about his abilities and you will have a more realistic set of expectations and a more realistic marriage.
The problems lie in unmet expectations. And maybe unrealistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[



He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Op you are wrong. You’re not married for money at all. What your DH make is solid middle class. You still have to work for 60k a year. I thought you were talking about married a billionaire or something and you just chilling at home but unhappy how he act or treated you .

Anyway, your DH just isn’t a helpful father or husband. That’s it. Gotta tell him to step up or hire help.

you are f'n out of touch of you think 400-500k is "solid middle class"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman earning over 500K and do most of the stuff that you do. I would not work, even part time, for 60K, but can see why you want to stay in the game.

I didn't read the thread but I'll tell you about when I recently reached this income I told my DH to quit or do more. He didn't. So I started outsourcing everything and he complained.I guess he wanted my money and my labor. I stopped for awhile and no clothes got laundered. No food got purchased (except children's lunches) and he got the message. Yesterday he went to the grocery and was up late last night doing laundry.

Read Art of War (it's short).

You are a tough woman. Your DH is a pu**y. Poor guy.

Beta but has a big D. Got what I wanted. The money was a surprise to both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[



He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Op you are wrong. You’re not married for money at all. What your DH make is solid middle class. You still have to work for 60k a year. I thought you were talking about married a billionaire or something and you just chilling at home but unhappy how he act or treated you .

Anyway, your DH just isn’t a helpful father or husband. That’s it. Gotta tell him to step up or hire help.

Yea I agree - you didn’t really “marry for money”. He makes good money but clearly not insane money.

My DH makes $700k and I make $150k - I do the majority of household/parenting items because DH works a lot. If he someday starts making well over $1 million a year I may step back from work but at this point we both need to work.

Learn what “need” means before you post again.

PP - we started making $160,000 when we first got married and have steadily increased every year. We have 3 kids and have paid off all our student loans over the course of a decade and a half. We are aggressively saving for college and for retirement.

Cool story. Your husband makes $700k. You absolutely do not “need” to work. Stop playing dumb.

+1 these posts claiming 700k isn’t enough…I just can’t. My HHI is under 200k and we feel so fortunate to have what we need.

Same here. I actually sometimes feel sorry for these rich idiots who must be horrifically bad with money (and probably general self sufficiency).

But usually I just find them annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t that you married money. It is that it just isn’t enough money for the dad to be the checked out big earner dad who has household help for everything. That’s why you are stressed and unhappy. If you had a cook, nanny, housekeeper and cleaner, you wouldn’t regret it

Yes. And I think people are slipping over that this guy is a doctor. There are a lot of jobs one could have that make 400 to 500k but I'd put doctor (especially if in a hospital) at one of the higher stress ways to earn this money. Of course he doesn't want to get home and start scrubbing the toilets and making playdates. He seemed pretty darn engaged on most things, so this feels like nitpicking for someone married to a doctor with the ability to either quit and stay home or outsource to some extent. The complaining about food hygiene is just neurotic BS and I am betting that is not the only thing OP is insanely picky about.