I married money and regret it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t that you married money. It is that it just isn’t enough money for the dad to be the checked out big earner dad who has household help for everything. That’s why you are stressed and unhappy. If you had a cook, nanny, housekeeper and cleaner, you wouldn’t regret it

400-500k is literally the 1% of earners in the U.S. They have a nanny and a housekeeper. Most women who work part time cook and raise their kids.

I know they have a nanny but where does it say that they have a daily housekeeper? That’s different from a cleaning lady who does a deep clean once a week. Housekeepers make life way easier because they help with all the daily pick up, all laundry, dishwasher, mess from the kids. Those kinds of things are what makes kids so exhausting and not enjoyable. I don’t think 500 k is enough for a FT nanny AND housekeeper unless there are very little savings

The she's doing it wrong. OP only works part time. What she should do is consolidate down to one person who works FT, watches the kids when she's working but can also help with some cleaning and meal prep.

OP, that's your parenting partner -- the FT nanny/housekeeper. Your DH is their dad but the person who is going to help you get through these little kid years with your sanity is going to be hired and paid. And then keep her when the kids start school and your whole world will open up.

I enjoy spending time with my children. I do not want a daily housekeeper or house manager.
I have zero interest in quitting my job.

I do not feel comfortable with someone handling our food. I have watched too many cooking videos and stuff to know the vast majority of people are unhygienic when it comes to preparing food. Not washing hands thoroughly between steps, trying food and then putting it back in the food, eating from the pot, etc. The same reason we don’t really eat at people’s houses. You never can trust their cooking.

Then quit complaining.

+1

I can’t figure out WTF she is even upset about.

It’s because her husband doesn’t do mundane things like load the dishwasher and mow the lawn. Hire a landscaper and a house manager (home serve is one I’ve read about) for home related things. Suck it up and deal with the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

I drew a Happiness graph once…

Goes up parabolically from $0 to like $80k

After that you’re not poor and the curve slows but still goes up for a while

Right around $130k you’re middle management/junior professional/constantly working and tense to the point of having abnormal bowels/cannon fodder. So the Happiness line drops for a while.

Eventually you hit rock bottom, maybe $500k range, life is brutal.

But then you turn the corner. The curve turns upward, your income hits massive savings/investment levels, investments start to turn over, you delegate more, vacation better, have more time together, have the power to ignore annoyances, etc. Much better.

The point? Marrying “into money” has many phases.l, assuming you’re talking about a first generation earner. (I’m assuming your “marrying money” reference means just a rich guy and not a family money guy given that he “makes” all the money. That’s kind of a gauche/new money signal.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like our family. Pretty similar.

What are you having trouble with, exactly? Just hire help.

And definitely keep the part time job.

I’m tired from the day to day and raising two very young kids - one who is still a young infant. It’s the menial repeat tasks like packing a lunch and snacks, laundry, constant surface level cleaning, making all appointments for kids, managing all the outsourcing, managing all the childcare, cooking 2-3 meals a day, doing all the grocery.

We have cleaners, a nanny for when I work, and outsource yard work. There isn’t really much else to outsource.

My husband is great with the kids but doesn’t help out with any cleaning or above tasks. He just sits down to relax while I do the cleaning up after we put the kids to bed.

I’m assuming your oldest is a toddler. Get in the habit NOW of cleaning up all toys before dinner. Praise the kids to bits and pieces if s/he puts away a toy. Tell Daddy about it. Do it while she watches. Then do it together. In about four years, the kids will be picking up all the tots before dinner.

In the mean time, be very strict about screens. When your youngest turns 3, strike a desk with the kids that they can have 20-30 minutes of screen time while you cook dinner, but all chores must be done first.

My kids are now 6 and 8. I require them to clean rooms, put away shoes/backpack, set the table, and clean all their toys before they watch TV. This didn’t happen overnight. I started with one small task and taught the kids how I wanted each toy to be put away. I pointed out that they’d get to TV sooner if they made their beds in the mornings. Etc., etc.


TV works as an incentive because I’m very about it. I even insisted we buy a car without a TV, so I wouldn’t be negotiating screen time in the car.

Eventually, you should only need to do dishes after the kids go to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like our family. Pretty similar.

What are you having trouble with, exactly? Just hire help.

And definitely keep the part time job.

I’m tired from the day to day and raising two very young kids - one who is still a young infant. It’s the menial repeat tasks like packing a lunch and snacks, laundry, constant surface level cleaning, making all appointments for kids, managing all the outsourcing, managing all the childcare, cooking 2-3 meals a day, doing all the grocery.

We have cleaners, a nanny for when I work, and outsource yard work. There isn’t really much else to outsource.

My husband is great with the kids but doesn’t help out with any cleaning or above tasks. He just sits down to relax while I do the cleaning up after we put the kids to bed.

I’m assuming your oldest is a toddler. Get in the habit NOW of cleaning up all toys before dinner. Praise the kids to bits and pieces if s/he puts away a toy. Tell Daddy about it at dinner. Put away toys while she watches. Then do it together. In about four years, the kids will be picking up all the tots before dinner.

In the mean time, be very strict about screens. When your youngest turns 3, strike a deal with the kids that they can have 20-30 minutes of screen time while you cook dinner, but all chores must be done first.

My kids are now 6 and 8. I require them to clean rooms, put away shoes/backpack, set the table, and clean all their toys before they watch TV. This didn’t happen overnight. I started with one small task and taught the kids how I wanted each toy to be put away. I pointed out that they’d get to TV sooner if they made their beds in the mornings. Etc., etc.


TV works as an incentive because I’m very strict about it. I even insisted we buy a car without a TV, so I wouldn’t be negotiating screen time in the car.

Eventually, you should only need to do dishes after the kids go to bed.

Updated to fix typos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like our family. Pretty similar.

What are you having trouble with, exactly? Just hire help.

And definitely keep the part time job.

I’m tired from the day to day and raising two very young kids - one who is still a young infant. It’s the menial repeat tasks like packing a lunch and snacks, laundry, constant surface level cleaning, making all appointments for kids, managing all the outsourcing, managing all the childcare, cooking 2-3 meals a day, doing all the grocery.

We have cleaners, a nanny for when I work, and outsource yard work. There isn’t really much else to outsource.

My husband is great with the kids but doesn’t help out with any cleaning or above tasks. He just sits down to relax while I do the cleaning up after we put the kids to bed.

I’m assuming your oldest is a toddler. Get in the habit NOW of cleaning up all toys before dinner. Praise the kids to bits and pieces if s/he puts away a toy. Tell Daddy about it at dinner. Put away toys while she watches. Then do it together. In about four years, the kids will be picking up all the tots before dinner.

In the mean time, be very strict about screens. When your youngest turns 3, strike a deal with the kids that they can have 20-30 minutes of screen time while you cook dinner, but all chores must be done first.

My kids are now 6 and 8. I require them to clean rooms, put away shoes/backpack, set the table, and clean all their toys before they watch TV. This didn’t happen overnight. I started with one small task and taught the kids how I wanted each toy to be put away. I pointed out that they’d get to TV sooner if they made their beds in the mornings. Etc., etc.


TV works as an incentive because I’m very strict about it. I even insisted we buy a car without a TV, so I wouldn’t be negotiating screen time in the car.

Eventually, you should only need to do dishes after the kids go to bed.

Updated to fix typos.

Yes. He’s a toddler. I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old.

We don’t use screens. My toddler doesn’t seem to care for tv and loses interest pretty quickly. We try to avoid screens and think we will continue that as he gets older.

I try to have him help but he’s 2 so his help is pretty limited. He will try to clean up messes but usually makes an even bigger mess in the process lol

[Anonymous]

Have someone help you with laundry. Folding, ironing putting away.

[Anonymous]

Why aren't you having a housekeeper? Is he against it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you having a housekeeper? Is he against it?

She said they have a cleaner, a nanny, and someone who looks after the yard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you having a housekeeper? Is he against it?

She said they have a cleaner, a nanny, and someone who looks after the yard.

Thanks. I am not sure what the issue is at all in that case. Order grocery delivery. Does she sound disorganized?

[Anonymous]

Have the nanny stay a few extra hours when you are home so you can get some of the household work done without the kids underfoot.

The nanny should be able to make the kids meals for them, you don't need to make the kids meals when the nanny is with them.

Have the cleaner come more often

Order ready made meals or do some batch booking on weekends and fill the freezer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t that you married money. It is that it just isn’t enough money for the dad to be the checked out big earner dad who has household help for everything. That’s why you are stressed and unhappy. If you had a cook, nanny, housekeeper and cleaner, you wouldn’t regret it

400-500k is literally the 1% of earners in the U.S. They have a nanny and a housekeeper. Most women who work part time cook and raise their kids.

I know they have a nanny but where does it say that they have a daily housekeeper? That’s different from a cleaning lady who does a deep clean once a week. Housekeepers make life way easier because they help with all the daily pick up, all laundry, dishwasher, mess from the kids. Those kinds of things are what makes kids so exhausting and not enjoyable. I don’t think 500 k is enough for a FT nanny AND housekeeper unless there are very little savings

The she's doing it wrong. OP only works part time. What she should do is consolidate down to one person who works FT, watches the kids when she's working but can also help with some cleaning and meal prep.

OP, that's your parenting partner -- the FT nanny/housekeeper. Your DH is their dad but the person who is going to help you get through these little kid years with your sanity is going to be hired and paid. And then keep her when the kids start school and your whole world will open up.

I enjoy spending time with my children. I do not want a daily housekeeper or house manager.
I have zero interest in quitting my job.

I do not feel comfortable with someone handling our food. I have watched too many cooking videos and stuff to know the vast majority of people are unhygienic when it comes to preparing food. Not washing hands thoroughly between steps, trying food and then putting it back in the food, eating from the pot, etc. The same reason we don’t really eat at people’s houses. You never can trust their cooking.

Then quit complaining.

+1

I can’t figure out WTF she is even upset about.

+1!! Any suggestions offered are dismissed and even met with a bit of snark. OP has certain standards for how things are done (no pre-packaged food, etc), which is fine but then don’t complain because it’s self-imposed. Division of labor is impacted by who works more, so I don’t see anything egregious in what OP describes in terms of her household dynamic.

Count your blessings OP. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wanna trade?

My H is lovely and does his fair share at home but is broke AF. Do you know how stressful it is having to choose between medical care, a college fund, and retirement?

I’d gladly take a mediocre H for $500k a year.

Cue OP returning with “it’s not my fault you made bad choices,” yada yada. Cold.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have a 2 year old and a 4 month old? You’re probably very very tired! Get the weekly cleaners and help with laundry. I predict it will make a big difference. Try that for a month and come back to update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

If this is the case, tell him how you feel and that you are planning to outsource. If your kids are little hire a mother’s helper for dinner and bath time. If they are older find a babysitter who can help with carpooling. We had someone who would clean and prep meals. There are many ways to take the load off!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[



He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Op you are wrong. You’re not married for money at all. What your DH make is solid middle class. You still have to work for 60k a year. I thought you were talking about married a billionaire or something and you just chilling at home but unhappy how he act or treated you .

Anyway, your DH just isn’t a helpful father or husband. That’s it. Gotta tell him to step up or hire help.