Call from DD’s Korean boyfriend’s parents- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please please please don’t prove I’m right

What are you trying to be right about? That racism doesn't exist in America? Oh boy.

[Anonymous]

I would not talk to them. Your children are adults and I wouldn't get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a Korean friend put in this position and he dated his gf in secret for 7 years. His parents found out when they got the wedding invitation. He didn’t even tell his friends because he had told one friend early on and the friend accidentally leaked it to someone who leaked it to his parents so after that it was strict come pf silence. He said he was getting married and we all thought he was joking.

I don't think these types of situations are necessarily related to the ethnicity.

My Korean friend's parents did not like the girl he was dating; she was also Korean. So, he eventually broke it off, only to be heartbroken himself. He was in such a bad way his parents eventually gave in, but by that time, the girl had moved on and gotten married to someone else.

I'm sure stuff like this happens in other cultures/ethnicities.

Yes, it does. Before anyone gets uppity about how forward American culture is, I would like to remind people that segregated prom is still a thing in The South even today.

No it’s not. I don’t believe you unless you have an example. I live in the South and- gasp- many kids date outside their race.

FFS all you have to do is google "segregated proms south." Many schools only started integrating their prom traditions in this past decade, and some areas are still resistant to change. This may not be a thing if you don't live in the boonies, but it's definitely a thing.

FFS yourself. That was one school. People like you making stuff up and perpetuating this kind of hate is so wrong.

Wow, I don't know what to say. I could google this for you and you could see the evidence that it was more than just this one school, but somehow you'd still be mad at me. I grew up in the midwest and witnessed plenty of racism and heard racist commentary while growing up there, and I'm not even that old. How is it "perpetuating hate" to point out the truth? Some of my older relatives have made not-so-nice generalizations about people of other races and I suspect they still hold such views today. I don't think these are inherently mean people, but they were just raised a certain way and didn't experience other points of view. Why is it better to stick your head in the sand? Do you think we will make better progress that way?

Well, you stated that within in that only in the last decade so 2014 that many schools desegregated their proms and to google segregated proms south. Well, here is the wiki page for that: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Segregated_prom

None of the examples are within the last 10 years, all of them were before. Did I write that segregated proms didn't' exist, NO. Did I imply that, also NO. But to claim that in very recent history, as in the last 10 years, that in "the south" "many schools" finally desegregated their proms is a lie. There is a terrible history of schools segregation in this country against people from many different groups (I myself was warehoused as a child by the public school system, google that, it actually IS still legal) and there absolutely are horrible cases of racism every single day in schools and out. But your statements are false.

[Anonymous]

They'll definitely cut him off if he stays with her. They were supposed to breakup before they left for college. It's wise to talk to your DD before she ends up getting really hurt years down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take the call.

This is the only answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a Korean friend put in this position and he dated his gf in secret for 7 years. His parents found out when they got the wedding invitation. He didn’t even tell his friends because he had told one friend early on and the friend accidentally leaked it to someone who leaked it to his parents so after that it was strict come pf silence. He said he was getting married and we all thought he was joking.

I don't think these types of situations are necessarily related to the ethnicity.

My Korean friend's parents did not like the girl he was dating; she was also Korean. So, he eventually broke it off, only to be heartbroken himself. He was in such a bad way his parents eventually gave in, but by that time, the girl had moved on and gotten married to someone else.

I'm sure stuff like this happens in other cultures/ethnicities.

Yes, it does. Before anyone gets uppity about how forward American culture is, I would like to remind people that segregated prom is still a thing in The South even today.

No it’s not. I don’t believe you unless you have an example. I live in the South and- gasp- many kids date outside their race.

FFS all you have to do is google "segregated proms south." Many schools only started integrating their prom traditions in this past decade, and some areas are still resistant to change. This may not be a thing if you don't live in the boonies, but it's definitely a thing.

FFS yourself. That was one school. People like you making stuff up and perpetuating this kind of hate is so wrong.

Wow, I don't know what to say. I could google this for you and you could see the evidence that it was more than just this one school, but somehow you'd still be mad at me. I grew up in the midwest and witnessed plenty of racism and heard racist commentary while growing up there, and I'm not even that old. How is it "perpetuating hate" to point out the truth? Some of my older relatives have made not-so-nice generalizations about people of other races and I suspect they still hold such views today. I don't think these are inherently mean people, but they were just raised a certain way and didn't experience other points of view. Why is it better to stick your head in the sand? Do you think we will make better progress that way?

Well, you stated that within in that only in the last decade so 2014 that many schools desegregated their proms and to google segregated proms south. Well, here is the wiki page for that: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Segregated_prom

None of the examples are within the last 10 years, all of them were before. Did I write that segregated proms didn't' exist, NO. Did I imply that, also NO. But to claim that in very recent history, as in the last 10 years, that in "the south" "many schools" finally desegregated their proms is a lie. There is a terrible history of schools segregation in this country against people from many different groups (I myself was warehoused as a child by the public school system, google that, it actually IS still legal) and there absolutely are horrible cases of racism every single day in schools and out. But your statements are false.

Ok, so if I said 15 years instead of 10, that would make you happy? Because 15 years is not that long ago either. And a lot of these proms were private, not school-sanctioned, and not overtly advertised as such, so it's not like there is an obvious official record of when and where they occurred. But the fact that they happened in our lifetime, even when my teen was still alive, and they only stopped due to negative media pressure, is good enough evidence for me that the old attitudes about interracial dating are alive and well. And I am sorry if you were mistreated by the school system. "There is a terrible history of schools segregation in this country against people from many different groups" was my point, and if you agree then I don't have anything to argue about. I only brought this up because people seemed to think the father's attitude in the OP was so backwards and unusual, and honestly it's not that uncommon of an attitude in many places even today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

My daughter had an Indian boyfriend who's parents blamed his bad grades on her and scapegoated her. She is open about having an IEP and a learning disability. He was telling her this A LOT and they said he now had special needs because she had special needs (school was suggesting an IEP for him). It was emotionally devastating for her and they were young - 9th graders. We suggested she break up since the dumping of this constantly on her was exhausting and just remain friends. We also got her some therapy. They are now going to be seniors and still friends. She made honor roll and he continues to struggle because the parents refused an IEP and just blamed her. They still try to blame (his friends/the school), but she encouraged him to talk to the school counselor to manage it all and the school counselor helped him get a free therapist.

If she were older and not so devastated by the constant talk of her being a bad influence we might not have pushed for a breakup, but it was getting her so down. Her therapist helped her to set boundaries with him, especially after she broke up because he just wasn't mature enough to understand the impact it had on her.

[Anonymous]

Call him ajushi and all will be great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

Exactly this. Another reason to take the call is that he probably has some sort of looney preconceived notion of what white American families are like, and a conversation with you and your husband will show him that his preconceptions are inaccurate and you are nice, normal people and your daughter is from a good family. A relaxed, civil conversation may just change his mind.

Sorry but that Korean parent is not going to think they are nice normal people because that is not their priority.
As a child of Asian parents with similar inability to accept other cultural forms, as a teen I would have loved for another adult to ask them if they thought Americans also practiced Confucian culture. Because if one disagrees with the cultural norms of another society, one should probably avoid emigrating into it.
I know too many stories if Asian parents who threaten, bully, try their best to isolate their growing teens from American life. Those kids are so miserable. Phones are routinely confiscated each night, emails are never private. Sometimes the police are called in because these parents don't know what else to do. My children have classmates who go home to this everyday from Stuyvesant and Bronx Science.

This is very extreme and was not the case at all in my midwestern suburban town. Maybe it's different for you because you grew up somewhere with a large insulated Asian community, but most of us did not grow up that way. I was one of two Asian kids in my entire grade in elementary school. Once I got to high school, we had three more. Our families had to assimilate. I'm married to a white man. My parents were hesitant at first, but now they're friendly with his parents. It doesn't hurt that his mom is a phD in a scientific field

[Anonymous]

I hope OP will update us about whether the objection was about him getting distracted from his grades or something more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

Korean American here. There is a specific cultural outlook that is relevant.

OP, it sounds like the parents are first generation immigrants? It’s a very Confucian idea that children’s needs should be subservient to the needs of the family. My guess is your daughter’s BF did not do as well in his freshman year as his dad expected.

There’s also a cultural tradition that dating is supposed to happen after the education is complete and appropriate credentials have been earned. Anything that detracts from being a top student is frivolous and a waste of time. I did a lot of ECs in college that I hid from my parents because I knew they’d harass me about them. I also did not share my dating life or even the fact that I was dating with them.

There’s not a lot you’re going to be able to do to change Korean patriarch’s mind. I would listen to him politely but then note that the decision to see one another or not is his son’s and your daughter’s. The fact that he is coming to you at all suggests to me that he is very traditional and holds you responsible for your daughter’s behavior.

My daughter had an Indian boyfriend who's parents blamed his bad grades on her and scapegoated her. She is open about having an IEP and a learning disability. He was telling her this A LOT and they said he now had special needs because she had special needs (school was suggesting an IEP for him). It was emotionally devastating for her and they were young - 9th graders. We suggested she break up since the dumping of this constantly on her was exhausting and just remain friends. We also got her some therapy. They are now going to be seniors and still friends. She made honor roll and he continues to struggle because the parents refused an IEP and just blamed her. They still try to blame (his friends/the school), but she encouraged him to talk to the school counselor to manage it all and the school counselor helped him get a free therapist.

If she were older and not so devastated by the constant talk of her being a bad influence we might not have pushed for a breakup, but it was getting her so down. Her therapist helped her to set boundaries with him, especially after she broke up because he just wasn't mature enough to understand the impact it had on her.

They think having an IEP is contagious? Well, somebody has to manage the convenience store when mom and dad retire, it might as well be the kid who's not going to medical school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a Korean friend put in this position and he dated his gf in secret for 7 years. His parents found out when they got the wedding invitation. He didn’t even tell his friends because he had told one friend early on and the friend accidentally leaked it to someone who leaked it to his parents so after that it was strict come pf silence. He said he was getting married and we all thought he was joking.

I don't think these types of situations are necessarily related to the ethnicity.

My Korean friend's parents did not like the girl he was dating; she was also Korean. So, he eventually broke it off, only to be heartbroken himself. He was in such a bad way his parents eventually gave in, but by that time, the girl had moved on and gotten married to someone else.

I'm sure stuff like this happens in other cultures/ethnicities.

Yes, it does. Before anyone gets uppity about how forward American culture is, I would like to remind people that segregated prom is still a thing in The South even today.

No it’s not. I don’t believe you unless you have an example. I live in the South and- gasp- many kids date outside their race.

FFS all you have to do is google "segregated proms south." Many schools only started integrating their prom traditions in this past decade, and some areas are still resistant to change. This may not be a thing if you don't live in the boonies, but it's definitely a thing.

FFS yourself. That was one school. People like you making stuff up and perpetuating this kind of hate is so wrong.

Wow, I don't know what to say. I could google this for you and you could see the evidence that it was more than just this one school, but somehow you'd still be mad at me. I grew up in the midwest and witnessed plenty of racism and heard racist commentary while growing up there, and I'm not even that old. How is it "perpetuating hate" to point out the truth? Some of my older relatives have made not-so-nice generalizations about people of other races and I suspect they still hold such views today. I don't think these are inherently mean people, but they were just raised a certain way and didn't experience other points of view. Why is it better to stick your head in the sand? Do you think we will make better progress that way?

Well, you stated that within in that only in the last decade so 2014 that many schools desegregated their proms and to google segregated proms south. Well, here is the wiki page for that: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Segregated_prom

None of the examples are within the last 10 years, all of them were before. Did I write that segregated proms didn't' exist, NO. Did I imply that, also NO. But to claim that in very recent history, as in the last 10 years, that in "the south" "many schools" finally desegregated their proms is a lie. There is a terrible history of schools segregation in this country against people from many different groups (I myself was warehoused as a child by the public school system, google that, it actually IS still legal) and there absolutely are horrible cases of racism every single day in schools and out. But your statements are false.

Ok, so if I said 15 years instead of 10, that would make you happy? Because 15 years is not that long ago either. And a lot of these proms were private, not school-sanctioned, and not overtly advertised as such, so it's not like there is an obvious official record of when and where they occurred. But the fact that they happened in our lifetime, even when my teen was still alive, and they only stopped due to negative media pressure, is good enough evidence for me that the old attitudes about interracial dating are alive and well. And I am sorry if you were mistreated by the school system. "There is a terrible history of schools segregation in this country against people from many different groups" was my point, and if you agree then I don't have anything to argue about. I only brought this up because people seemed to think the father's attitude in the OP was so backwards and unusual, and honestly it's not that uncommon of an attitude in many places even today.

Look, none of it makes me happy. I wish these things never happened, ever, in anyone's lifetime. But to make the claim that "in the south" having segregated proms was the norm at many schools until 10 years ago is 1) making stuff up, and 2) perpetuating myths that in 2024-2014 we were all so racist that this was the norm. So stop. You were wrong. Seriously.

And I don't know who you're arguing with about the boyfriend's father. I am a PP with experience in this area that I described in a different post I wrote. Many Asian cultures have a hierarchy among different nationalities and ethnicities. I have a friend from Boston whose parents immigrated from India, who was told in no uncertain terms he had to marry a south Indian woman who was Catholic. I have my friend, raised in Bethesda, whose parents immigrated from China, who was dumped by her Korean boyfriend, who is also from Bethesda, with parents that immigrated here from Korean and live in Maryland (who never learned to speak English in the 30 years they've lived here) because she was Chinese, after 9 years of dating (not some secret that he just found out). I have a friend who is from NJ, with parents who immigrated from India, whose marriage was arranged and she met her husband literally 2 days before the wedding. I could go on. So yeah, this stuff still occurs. This father isn't going to change his mind.

[Anonymous]

Tell them how fond you are of their son, how much you’re looking forward to vacationing together, and invite him to come along.

[Anonymous]

I am glad to see that pp who said, what does ethnicity have to do with it, got torn down!
Tell me you want to be woke but do everything to deny different groups here their own culture and customs! What a wonderful world of acceptance where we are supposed to treat everyone just as we treat our white, same school, same HHE cousins!

[Anonymous]

This thread is about a controlling Korean dad.

Take the southern prom argument to another thread.

Thank you.