Secretly starting to resent husband and all the care of his elderly mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is in a tough spot. Show compassion and help him handle things so he isn't the designated villain here while trying his best to do right by everyone.

I would reach out to his siblings and ask them to help him out as it's draining him personally and putting his marriage at risk.

OP, do you think your attitude is adding stress to DH and your marriage despite not changing any of the logistics? If you were injured ill, would you not be glad to have a DH who is as committed to caring for the vulnerable? It's a stage of life, it will pass. Whether or not you will have destroyed your marriage in the meantime is up to you.

Sibs who have not stepped up are not going to. Be realistic, hire help, perhaps reduce work hours a bit if able. The kids will be gone soon, too. Will you want them to remember you as resentful, OP? Or someone who makes the best of things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love my husband and my MIL. He’s a great dad/ son. She was terrific MIL.
But after 5 years of taking care of his 90year old mom with dementia, I’m just starting to feel resentment. We have three active kids and he is always dealing with her. He has two useless siblings who don’t help at all… so the entire situation has fallen to us.
We are only ones of siblings with young children and full time jobs (60 hour plus week and tons of work travel)- were at max capacity prior to this.
I was onboard and have been so impressed with his devotion. But now, 5 years in, I am feeling resentment. Often in evening, I’m juggling all three kids and tonite for instance- he was at her nursing home signing paperwork and delayed so I missed picking my daughter up from a field trip- late for sons basketball and haven’t yet packed for a biz trip.
Yet I know in my heart and head, he is even more torn. It’s a huge and emotionally/ physically constant issue dealing with her.
I don’t say anything - but I am just worn out and feel my kids have suffered (really) with stressed out parents and their dad missing so much of their stuff.
How should I feel? What’s wrong with me to feel that way!

Your resentment is not secret, OP.

Kid logistics can be solved with carpools and hired help.

Your attitude and marital strain is impacting your kids as is your being so overscheduled yourself. You have framed this as some kind of competition between you and MIL for DH's time. You said you were overstretched before. Focus on what YOU personally can control to create the family systems and functioning that is optimal for the kids. Perhaps switch to a less demanding work role with no or minimal travel to enjoy these last family years. Elder care is a phase. So is the time kids are home. You cannot control MIL, DH or his sibs. Focus where you can make a change, OP. Model grace and kindness for your kids rather than resentment over life events. Model how to adjust to different life phases and how to create workable dynamics. MIL could live a few more years but won't live forever. How do you want your kids to think of you? Bitter, overwhelmed, resentful? Or as someone who knew how to create a functional family life in the midst of challenges? Instead of demanding more from DH, how do you try to connect with and support him?

I'd consider if this pattern is recreating something from the past, OP. Did you have a sib you competed with for a parent's attention? Where did you get the idea that 2 parents with 60+ hour jobs w/travel and 3 kids was how family life should be? I do wonder if this is a troll, even without MIL seems logistically unworkable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend did what your husband did. It was the final nail in her marriage, it did her in with stress, age gained 40 pounds, her kids are a mess and she and her siblings are at war. Her mom appreciated nothing and complains that she never visits or cares. (Dementia). Now they hire our everything, she is on Ozempic, in individual therapy, getting couple's counseling, the kids are in therapy and she is on all sorts of meds for health issues. I can't imagine this is what decent elderly parents want for their kids and if they do that tell you a lot. You can hire someone to manage their care, visit and facetime in without doing yourself in.

Yep, that's right. People's marriages break up because spouse is busy dealing with a parent with dementia in their final year or so of life.

I have been through dementia with 2 parents and an inlaw. It isn't just one year.

Wow. What a coincidence. Three out of four parents get dementia. The odds!

Anyone who walks away from a marriage because spouse is dealing with parents with dementia is a selfish cad. It's that plain and simple. There may be other problems and in that case it's really going to be the other problems, not the dementia.

Some of you are advocating people abandon their parents. Why don't we do the reverse? Abandon your babies when their ten months old? Why not? I am chortling at the image of a certain poster up thread scolding a baby and saying "boundaries are important!"

It's about 1/4 people over 80 with dementia, once you are in the 90s approximately 40% of people have it, and those are just the ones with formal diagnosis.

I get the sense the same person keeps posting over and over with extremes. It's not that one spouse leaves for 2 weeks and the other wants a divorce. The sandwich erodes at a marriage when it goes on for many years, there are disagreements between siblings, children you need you at home, etc.

We chose to become parents and I don't know many people who would chose eldercare over caring for a 10 month old baby who can smile and coo and meet new milestones.

There seems to be this very rigid and dramatic style of posting over and over. I have not seen anyone say to "abandon" your elderly parent who is aging. What I am seeing is instead of giving so much in person time to the parent that you are taking away from your own children, hire someone to help manage the parents care and still visit, but give more of yourself to your children you chose to have and your spouse and take care of yourself. It's not either or, but it is about re-calibrating what percentage you give to whom. There is a poster here who keeps insisting you hire out for the kids to be there for the parents and if you do the opposite and hire out for the parents, still visiting, and still being involved you are just terrible. It's very hard to reason with the black and white thinking.

This is why I think it's best for OP and her spouse to work with a professional who understands all the grey areas and all the things pulling at once and who isn't going to guilt trip and manipulate, but simply will help the negotiate, problem solve and figure out the balance that works for them and make sure they take care of themselves and their marriage.

[Anonymous]

It is what it is OP. This is what being a family and having to deal with all the ups and downs that come with both caring for aging parents and being sandwiched between also caring for kids. Lots of us are in the same situation you are in. For me though, I recognize that there isn’t anyone else. So I have to help. And I have to think about it as what I would want if something happened to me too. I’m an only child. I have a husband and two kids. My husband is currently taking care of his mother in another state and flys back and forth. We both hold down demanding jobs. I just take over our children, while also managing my mom in another state, because that’s what family does. It’s the right thing. There is not time for resentment. Those negative feelings don’t help you with anything. And the faster you realize that and turn over your thoughts to a more positive track, you will feel much better about it.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds enmeshed. The great thing about hospitals is that the staff are paid to care for your loved one when you aren't there. DH should have gone home and slept.

You can't control the slacker siblings, but hopefully DH lucks out and inherits the whole estate as they are so useless and he has done all the work.

If he has committed this long, I don't think your DH will slack off at the end, but the good/bad news is it sounds like not that she will be in permanent care, the pressure is off but she may not live much longer.

(For reference- three kids, 60 hour week, alternate out of state travel week schedule here and if DH weren't home to help our family - we already would have had words to problem solve - and looped in the loser siblings or put her in care)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't the best place to be asking for advice or venting. Many posters are incredibly selfish. Life is all about them, how dare any family member intrude into their lives.

The reality is that your husband's mother is in a demanding position with her dementia. You can't abandon her to the state. Someone does have to be there to make the decisions. Your husband is doing what is right and just.

It will pass in due time.

Not necessarily. I know of a family where the mother with Alzheimer’s lived until 100 in that condition. Her middle-aged then elderly daughter and SIL devoted more than 20 years to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is what it is OP. This is what being a family and having to deal with all the ups and downs that come with both caring for aging parents and being sandwiched between also caring for kids. Lots of us are in the same situation you are in. For me though, I recognize that there isn’t anyone else. So I have to help. And I have to think about it as what I would want if something happened to me too. I’m an only child. I have a husband and two kids. My husband is currently taking care of his mother in another state and flys back and forth. We both hold down demanding jobs. I just take over our children, while also managing my mom in another state, because that’s what family does. It’s the right thing. There is not time for resentment. Those negative feelings don’t help you with anything. And the faster you realize that and turn over your thoughts to a more positive track, you will feel much better about it.

And we will be the next h generation with straw-related health issues and will martyr the last remaining decades we’d have to elder care. This way of living wears people down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is what it is OP. This is what being a family and having to deal with all the ups and downs that come with both caring for aging parents and being sandwiched between also caring for kids. Lots of us are in the same situation you are in. For me though, I recognize that there isn’t anyone else. So I have to help. And I have to think about it as what I would want if something happened to me too. I’m an only child. I have a husband and two kids. My husband is currently taking care of his mother in another state and flys back and forth. We both hold down demanding jobs. I just take over our children, while also managing my mom in another state, because that’s what family does. It’s the right thing. There is not time for resentment. Those negative feelings don’t help you with anything. And the faster you realize that and turn over your thoughts to a more positive track, you will feel much better about it.

And we will be the next h generation with straw-related health issues and will martyr the last remaining decades we’d have to elder care. This way of living wears people down.

Stress related health issues. No one can sustain that for years without ending up with serious health issues. After all is said and done, the caregiver gains 25 pounds, has high blood pressure, sleep issues, and possibly emotional issues that require therapy. Daughter lives until 70, but alas grandma made it to 95.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is what it is OP. This is what being a family and having to deal with all the ups and downs that come with both caring for aging parents and being sandwiched between also caring for kids. Lots of us are in the same situation you are in. For me though, I recognize that there isn’t anyone else. So I have to help. And I have to think about it as what I would want if something happened to me too. I’m an only child. I have a husband and two kids. My husband is currently taking care of his mother in another state and flys back and forth. We both hold down demanding jobs. I just take over our children, while also managing my mom in another state, because that’s what family does. It’s the right thing. There is not time for resentment. Those negative feelings don’t help you with anything. And the faster you realize that and turn over your thoughts to a more positive track, you will feel much better about it.

And we will be the next h generation with straw-related health issues and will martyr the last remaining decades we’d have to elder care. This way of living wears people down.

Stress related health issues. No one can sustain that for years without ending up with serious health issues. After all is said and done, the caregiver gains 25 pounds, has high blood pressure, sleep issues, and possibly emotional issues that require therapy. Daughter lives until 70, but alas grandma made it to 95.

This is surprisingly common. The people I knew who didn't set boundaries and tried to be everything to everyone ended up quite ill by the time the parent passed and tended to die in their late 60s or in their 70s while the parent made it well into late 80s or even late 90s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is what it is OP. This is what being a family and having to deal with all the ups and downs that come with both caring for aging parents and being sandwiched between also caring for kids. Lots of us are in the same situation you are in. For me though, I recognize that there isn’t anyone else. So I have to help. And I have to think about it as what I would want if something happened to me too. I’m an only child. I have a husband and two kids. My husband is currently taking care of his mother in another state and flys back and forth. We both hold down demanding jobs. I just take over our children, while also managing my mom in another state, because that’s what family does. It’s the right thing. There is not time for resentment. Those negative feelings don’t help you with anything. And the faster you realize that and turn over your thoughts to a more positive track, you will feel much better about it.

And we will be the next h generation with straw-related health issues and will martyr the last remaining decades we’d have to elder care. This way of living wears people down.

Stress related health issues. No one can sustain that for years without ending up with serious health issues. After all is said and done, the caregiver gains 25 pounds, has high blood pressure, sleep issues, and possibly emotional issues that require therapy. Daughter lives until 70, but alas grandma made it to 95.

This is surprisingly common. The people I knew who didn't set boundaries and tried to be everything to everyone ended up quite ill by the time the parent passed and tended to die in their late 60s or in their 70s while the parent made it well into late 80s or even late 90s.

Yep. That's right. This happens I do enjoy the posters coming out of the woodwork with these amazing anecdotes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is what it is OP. This is what being a family and having to deal with all the ups and downs that come with both caring for aging parents and being sandwiched between also caring for kids. Lots of us are in the same situation you are in. For me though, I recognize that there isn’t anyone else. So I have to help. And I have to think about it as what I would want if something happened to me too. I’m an only child. I have a husband and two kids. My husband is currently taking care of his mother in another state and flys back and forth. We both hold down demanding jobs. I just take over our children, while also managing my mom in another state, because that’s what family does. It’s the right thing. There is not time for resentment. Those negative feelings don’t help you with anything. And the faster you realize that and turn over your thoughts to a more positive track, you will feel much better about it.

And we will be the next h generation with straw-related health issues and will martyr the last remaining decades we’d have to elder care. This way of living wears people down.

Stress related health issues. No one can sustain that for years without ending up with serious health issues. After all is said and done, the caregiver gains 25 pounds, has high blood pressure, sleep issues, and possibly emotional issues that require therapy. Daughter lives until 70, but alas grandma made it to 95.

This is surprisingly common. The people I knew who didn't set boundaries and tried to be everything to everyone ended up quite ill by the time the parent passed and tended to die in their late 60s or in their 70s while the parent made it well into late 80s or even late 90s.

Yep. That's right. This happens I do enjoy the posters coming out of the woodwork with these amazing anecdotes.

Um, there’s a reason hospital orderlies and home health aides tend to be on the young side. It’s very, very hard work. They get to go home and quit when they’re tired if it. And if they don’t, they have colleagues to switch off with. Many caretaker adults in their 50s or 60s are simply not fit, mentally not physically, to take in such work for years.