Reply to Secretly starting to resent husband and all the care of his elderly mom

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Love my husband and my MIL.  He’s a great dad/ son. She was terrific MIL.
  But after 5 years of taking care of his 90year old mom with dementia, I’m just starting to feel resentment. We have three active kids and he is always dealing with her. He has two useless siblings who don’t help at all… so the entire situation has fallen to us. 
   We are only ones of siblings with young children and full time jobs (60 hour plus week and tons of work travel)- were at max capacity prior to this.
    I was onboard and have been so impressed with his devotion. But now, 5 years in, I am feeling resentment. Often in evening, I’m juggling all three kids and tonite for instance- he was at her nursing home signing paperwork and delayed so I missed picking my daughter up from a field trip- late for sons basketball and haven’t yet packed for a biz trip. 
   Yet I know in my heart and head, he is even more torn. It’s a huge and emotionally/ physically constant issue dealing with her. 
    I don’t say anything - but I am just worn out and feel my kids have suffered (really) with stressed out parents and their dad missing so much of their stuff.
   How should I feel? What’s wrong with me to feel that way![/quote]

Your resentment is not secret, OP.

Kid logistics can be solved with carpools and hired help.

Your attitude and marital strain is impacting your kids as is your being so overscheduled yourself. You have framed this as some kind of competition between you and MIL for DH's time. You said you were overstretched before. Focus on what YOU personally can control to create the family systems and functioning that is optimal for the kids. Perhaps switch to a less demanding work role with no or minimal travel to enjoy these last family years. Elder care is a phase. So is the time kids are home. You cannot control MIL, DH or his sibs. Focus where you can make a change, OP. Model grace and kindness for your kids rather than resentment over life events. Model how to adjust to different life phases and how to create workable dynamics. MIL could live a few more years but won't live forever. How do you want your kids to think of you? Bitter, overwhelmed, resentful? Or as someone who knew how to create a functional family life in the midst of challenges? Instead of demanding more from DH, how do you try to connect with and support him?

I'd consider if this pattern is recreating something from the past, OP. Did you have a sib you competed with for a parent's attention? Where did you get the idea that 2 parents with 60+ hour jobs w/travel and 3 kids was how family life should be? I do wonder if this is a troll, even without MIL seems logistically unworkable. [/quote]

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