I HATE the suburbs and have a chance to leave. This is long..more experienced parents help?

[Anonymous]

Pp here. DH often tells me that I miss my city life pre kids. I don’t know how easy it would be to shuffle kids to their sports and activities on foot and on bus.

I have a good friend in Manhattan and she walks her kid 20 min in the morning to school and then heads to work or back home to work. Because they don’t have a car, she has to take the bus, train or cab to her activities and then has to wait around often in bad weather because it isn’t worth going back home. This doesn’t sound so appealing. I drop my three kids off in bus fashion - kid one at tennis, kid 2 at basketball, kid 3 at dance, maybe pick up dinner or go home if Dh can help pick up kids. I would not enjoy being out in rain or cold.

[Anonymous]

Yes, a $400-500 burn rate per person per day is common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Op sitting here reading every response and literally tearing up. I hate it here so much. Thanks to all the Chicagoans for chiming in.

honestly, this doesn't look that bad:

https://www.mountprospect.org/community/about-mount-prospect

your reaction suggests that you have some other issues going on. i say that as life-long (50 years old now) city person, and a psychologist. it's ok to move to a place that suits you better, and not all places are the same. but moving 20 miles is unlikely to be a major fix for anything.

A 20 mile move can be a major fix for someone who’s unhappy.

+1! 20 miles is neighborhoods apart. And the “psychologist” is really trying to diagnose that OP has something else going on based on their posts on a message board? Lol.

i am not diagnosing anyone (what was the diagnosis?) but her assessments seems extreme given the circumstances. i don't like suburbs, either, and never lived there. but it's a preference, not a calamity.

You made an assessment of OP “your reaction suggests that you have some other issues going on.”

That’s wildly inappropriate for a “psychologist” to post. But anyone can post here claiming to be any profession. A real psychologist would never have said that.

- a lawyer

Yeah that was weird. The OP has been nothing but logical. She hates the suburbs and wants to live in the city. She had pros/cons. People actually from Chicago or live in a suburb or city have given their perspective.

- a trapeze artist.

Except OP is an adult with kids. There is more to consider than walking to restaurants and bars. Can she even go to these places on a regular basis?

A lot of people feel like OP but you grow up and value a safe neighborhood, good schools and enough space for a family.

I’m not sure I’d trade walkabikity for a challenging school situation and cramming a bunch of people into a 2 bedroom apartment. This is very mid-life crisis-y.

Problems follow you. Someone who doesn’t walk anywhere now and doesn’t have an active social life is unlikely to move 20 miles away and have this new magically different life.

Of course you are going to have a different life living in the city versus the suburbs! Have you never lived in different places?

OP my biggest worry would be that this seems dependent on your grandparents doing well and remaining in the home. At over 80, things can change quickly.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about high school. That's 10+ years away. A lot could change by then. And even in "bad" high schools, there are often groups of strong kids who excel. Bad doesn't mean bad for your kid necessarily.

+1. NP and Chicagoan here---my kid is in college but went to a public high school (not a great one) that had a magnet program for the more academically inclined. So you get a smaller peer group, AP classes, etc without such a high-pressure atmosphere that's at some of the selective enrollment high schools. And---don't discount how that looks to colleges. A student who is dong amazing at a "not great on paper" high school is more interesting than a middle-of-the-pack student at a highly competitive school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what is wrong with chain restaurants and coffee shops. They have all grown to be chains because what they offered was good.

Ha ha ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to let them go to a Chicago public school? That sounds interesting...

I basically have this set up in a DC 'burb with good schools and walkability (Falls Church City). So I see the pluses. We do still use our car a ton, though. Walkability in the rain and winter is tough with kids.

Falls Church City is the definition of suburban hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op sitting here reading every response and literally tearing up. I hate it here so much. Thanks to all the Chicagoans for chiming in.

honestly, this doesn't look that bad:

https://www.mountprospect.org/community/about-mount-prospect

your reaction suggests that you have some other issues going on. i say that as life-long (50 years old now) city person, and a psychologist. it's ok to move to a place that suits you better, and not all places are the same. but moving 20 miles is unlikely to be a major fix for anything.

A 20 mile move can be a major fix for someone who’s unhappy.

+1! 20 miles is neighborhoods apart. And the “psychologist” is really trying to diagnose that OP has something else going on based on their posts on a message board? Lol.

i am not diagnosing anyone (what was the diagnosis?) but her assessments seems extreme given the circumstances. i don't like suburbs, either, and never lived there. but it's a preference, not a calamity.

You made an assessment of OP “your reaction suggests that you have some other issues going on.”

That’s wildly inappropriate for a “psychologist” to post. But anyone can post here claiming to be any profession. A real psychologist would never have said that.

- a lawyer

Yeah that was weird. The OP has been nothing but logical. She hates the suburbs and wants to live in the city. She had pros/cons. People actually from Chicago or live in a suburb or city have given their perspective.

- a trapeze artist.

Except OP is an adult with kids. There is more to consider than walking to restaurants and bars. Can she even go to these places on a regular basis?

A lot of people feel like OP but you grow up and value a safe neighborhood, good schools and enough space for a family.

I’m not sure I’d trade walkabikity for a challenging school situation and cramming a bunch of people into a 2 bedroom apartment. This is very mid-life crisis-y.

Problems follow you. Someone who doesn’t walk anywhere now and doesn’t have an active social life is unlikely to move 20 miles away and have this new magically different life.

Of course you are going to have a different life living in the city versus the suburbs! Have you never lived in different places?

OP my biggest worry would be that this seems dependent on your grandparents doing well and remaining in the home. At over 80, things can change quickly.

I have and I think the grass is always greener. I don’t see how moving 20 miles away will drastically improve OP’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op sitting here reading every response and literally tearing up. I hate it here so much. Thanks to all the Chicagoans for chiming in.

honestly, this doesn't look that bad:

https://www.mountprospect.org/community/about-mount-prospect

your reaction suggests that you have some other issues going on. i say that as life-long (50 years old now) city person, and a psychologist. it's ok to move to a place that suits you better, and not all places are the same. but moving 20 miles is unlikely to be a major fix for anything.

A 20 mile move can be a major fix for someone who’s unhappy.

+1! 20 miles is neighborhoods apart. And the “psychologist” is really trying to diagnose that OP has something else going on based on their posts on a message board? Lol.

i am not diagnosing anyone (what was the diagnosis?) but her assessments seems extreme given the circumstances. i don't like suburbs, either, and never lived there. but it's a preference, not a calamity.

You made an assessment of OP “your reaction suggests that you have some other issues going on.”

That’s wildly inappropriate for a “psychologist” to post. But anyone can post here claiming to be any profession. A real psychologist would never have said that.

- a lawyer

Yeah that was weird. The OP has been nothing but logical. She hates the suburbs and wants to live in the city. She had pros/cons. People actually from Chicago or live in a suburb or city have given their perspective.

- a trapeze artist.

Except OP is an adult with kids. There is more to consider than walking to restaurants and bars. Can she even go to these places on a regular basis?

A lot of people feel like OP but you grow up and value a safe neighborhood, good schools and enough space for a family.

I’m not sure I’d trade walkabikity for a challenging school situation and cramming a bunch of people into a 2 bedroom apartment. This is very mid-life crisis-y.

Problems follow you. Someone who doesn’t walk anywhere now and doesn’t have an active social life is unlikely to move 20 miles away and have this new magically different life.

Of course you are going to have a different life living in the city versus the suburbs! Have you never lived in different places?

OP my biggest worry would be that this seems dependent on your grandparents doing well and remaining in the home. At over 80, things can change quickly.

I have and I think the grass is always greener. I don’t see how moving 20 miles away will drastically improve OP’s life.

That’s because you’re being stubborn.

We moved 7 miles from a DC suburb to downtown as young(ish) empty nesters and it’s made a world of difference. Obviously we don’t have kid but we do have grandkids in the city and they are thriving. It’s not something that we would have considered when raising our own kids but in retrospect we were pretty narrow minded about it. There are definitely pros and cons but so far as I’m concerned a huge con would be if the parents are terribly unhappy with where they are.

[Anonymous]

We're raising our two kids in a big city (not DC) and truly happy. Some of the responses here are from people who clearly prefer suburban life and thus don't understand why some people make different decisions.

True, when it's raining, we can't go straight from our garage to the store or whatever. We walk a few blocks and sometimes get wet, and carry our groceries home. Despite the "but it's only pre -kid life where bars and restaurants matter!" No, not for us. We enjoy our local eateries and are so happy to have a bunch just down the block. We bump into friends on our walk home from school and sometimes pull up chairs and join them.

Sometimes we "wait around in bad weather" as someone lamented. Its fine? It's a non issue, we bump into friends or we go to a coffee shop or we talk or read.

My two kids - a boy and a girl! -share a tiny room. They love it for now but we'll make it work (in our 900sf apt, or we move) if it becomes untenable.

Peoples' preferences are valid, but fwiw OP, I don't think you're at all crazy for considering the move and in fact believe it might be the best decision for your family.

[Anonymous]

Op here with some answers to various questions.

-When we moved to the suburbs we were both working in person everyday in the suburbs so we were both commuting an hour+ each way from city to suburbs every day. We were really young and just thought hey interest rates are at a historical low so lets buy a house big enough to be our forever home in a great school district near our jobs- so we did. Then COVID hit and not only have we not made neighborhood friends but we are both WFH since then (both permanently now) with no local coffee shop, cafe, book store, etc to take a break to. It's so isolating.

-We both grew up in the city and have networks there already. We lived in the apartment we are considering moving back to for 4 years so we already know several neighbors.

-My grandparents are already on the decline health wise. My grandma is on oxygen and my grandpa has various issues though he does work out everyday, still drives them around, etc. We already have a rotating care schedule between my 5 cousins, my mom, and aunt, one of us is there everyday dropping off food, chit chatting, playing games with them, tending to random household tasks. Not to be morbid, but I think my grandpa at least will live a few more years and then it would take probably at least a year to clean the house out as they've been there since the 50s. Best yes obviously anything can happen and longevity is a concern of mine.

-I've really tried to make friends. There's a family with a girl my DD's age on our block and my DD drew her a picture and we left it in their mailbox along with a note that we'd love to meet at the park for a playdate sometime and my number- never heard from them. I doubled my garden last summer and made cute little baskets of veggies and used those to walk up to neighbors outside and introduce myself and say I had so much from the garden and share. I did have a playdate with 2 moms from my DD's class but while we were there, they asked me what religious education we were supplementing public school with and I just smiled and said that we actually weren't and there was an awkward pause and then they didn't include me in the next playdate. I joined the local barre/pilates studio and even volunteered there to watch kids during one class per week so moms could work out, volunteer at the library events, but just nothing is sticking. I've never had this issue before.

[Anonymous]

Former Chicagoan here, I would move OP. The pros seem to outweigh the cons. I live in a close-in DC suburb now (after living in the city in Chicago), but it sounds VERY different from your experience. It is walkable, neighbors are close knit, it is a great community and we bike much of the time so not as much car. In our case, there are a lot of benefits to our suburb life. But in your case, you are miserable and I completely understand why. I hate the schlepping in and out of the car. Chicago is SUCH a great city. I think you should listen to Chicagoans more than any DC posters here. I would be much more likely to choose living in the city with my kids in Chicago than DC. Transit is better, walkability is better (many neighborhoods in DC its like living in the suburbs without the benefits because the walkability isn't that great), lots of families choose to stay. The stress of high school, testing, and trying to get into magnets is a lot on kids. That is a negative. For sure. But having a stressed unhappy mom is a bigger negative.

This is the right time if you want to do it. The biggest negative I see that you didn't mention is the lack of space for you all to work from home. But if I were you I would have one of you work out of the kids bedroom. They'll be at school and daycare. You can make it work but that is a factor for me. But otherwise I think it sounds like a win. And rent your house out.

[Anonymous]

OP I didn't see your update when I posted above - go!! Go go go! This sounds like a terrible fit. People are going to respond strongly to your post because you made it completely about city vs suburb, and that can make people feel defensive of their own decision. But some of this is about FIT. There may be a suburb where you would have been happy, this is NOT IT! It sounds quite awful. It made sense at the time to move to be closer to your jobs. But without that, you should be close to your network! Close to your grandparents! Your friends. Since it isn't going to cost you more, will bring you back to your network, places you feel comfortable, neighbors you know, walkability, and your kids don't sound like they have deep networks either yet - GO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here with some answers to various questions.

-When we moved to the suburbs we were both working in person everyday in the suburbs so we were both commuting an hour+ each way from city to suburbs every day. We were really young and just thought hey interest rates are at a historical low so lets buy a house big enough to be our forever home in a great school district near our jobs- so we did. Then COVID hit and not only have we not made neighborhood friends but we are both WFH since then (both permanently now) with no local coffee shop, cafe, book store, etc to take a break to. It's so isolating.

-We both grew up in the city and have networks there already. We lived in the apartment we are considering moving back to for 4 years so we already know several neighbors.

-My grandparents are already on the decline health wise. My grandma is on oxygen and my grandpa has various issues though he does work out everyday, still drives them around, etc. We already have a rotating care schedule between my 5 cousins, my mom, and aunt, one of us is there everyday dropping off food, chit chatting, playing games with them, tending to random household tasks. Not to be morbid, but I think my grandpa at least will live a few more years and then it would take probably at least a year to clean the house out as they've been there since the 50s. Best yes obviously anything can happen and longevity is a concern of mine.

-I've really tried to make friends. There's a family with a girl my DD's age on our block and my DD drew her a picture and we left it in their mailbox along with a note that we'd love to meet at the park for a playdate sometime and my number- never heard from them. I doubled my garden last summer and made cute little baskets of veggies and used those to walk up to neighbors outside and introduce myself and say I had so much from the garden and share. I did have a playdate with 2 moms from my DD's class but while we were there, they asked me what religious education we were supplementing public school with and I just smiled and said that we actually weren't and there was an awkward pause and then they didn't include me in the next playdate. I joined the local barre/pilates studio and even volunteered there to watch kids during one class per week so moms could work out, volunteer at the library events, but just nothing is sticking. I've never had this issue before.

Oh OP, this sounds hard! The added info that you already have a network in the city neighborhood is huge -- go for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former Chicagoan here, I would move OP. The pros seem to outweigh the cons. I live in a close-in DC suburb now (after living in the city in Chicago), but it sounds VERY different from your experience. It is walkable, neighbors are close knit, it is a great community and we bike much of the time so not as much car. In our case, there are a lot of benefits to our suburb life. But in your case, you are miserable and I completely understand why. I hate the schlepping in and out of the car. Chicago is SUCH a great city. I think you should listen to Chicagoans more than any DC posters here. I would be much more likely to choose living in the city with my kids in Chicago than DC. Transit is better, walkability is better (many neighborhoods in DC its like living in the suburbs without the benefits because the walkability isn't that great), lots of families choose to stay. The stress of high school, testing, and trying to get into magnets is a lot on kids. That is a negative. For sure. But having a stressed unhappy mom is a bigger negative.

This is the right time if you want to do it. The biggest negative I see that you didn't mention is the lack of space for you all to work from home. But if I were you I would have one of you work out of the kids bedroom. They'll be at school and daycare. You can make it work but that is a factor for me.[b] But otherwise I think it sounds like a win. And rent your house out.

That is what my DH did when he was WFM in our chicago condo. He set up a desk in my DD's room, she was at school, activities, etc. most of the work day. It was not ideal, but fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what is wrong with chain restaurants and coffee shops. They have all grown to be chains because what they offered was good.

It’s a lot of the same food - Chili’s is not that different than Applebee’s. But neither has Thai food or (as I ordered tonight from my city home) Pho. If you want fine dining or a menu that doesn’t have a chicken finger option you can’t go to a chain.

Good grief. The best Pho you can get (delivered or pick it up yourself) is in the suburbs of DC. Some of you are insufferable.