Raise your hand if you're a woman who out-earns her husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

My mother was the only woman in her business school in 1970, she met my dad there and they married and had kids. Both had very successful and lucrative careers but my dad had a bunch of golf buddies and poker night friends while my mom just worked, managed the kids / household in her free time and had no female work peers and very few friends. Most moms were stay at home in that era and shunned her, often very rude and hostile. I know she is proud to have been such a trailblazer for women in her industry but she can reflect back now that it was extremely lonely and socially isolating to be a successful businesswoman. My sister and I have chosen less lucrative and difficult careers.

[Anonymous]

More women go to college then men now, there are only so many wealthy electricians to supplement the supply of college educated men, so this will likely become even more common on average.

The executives will continue to be men for a variety of terrible reasons but for your run of the mill family, it will be hard for a women to find a higher earning man.

[Anonymous]

I make a lot more and work a lot more. He is not ambitious and gets stressed out easily - he doesn’t have the personality to be a high earner. He is the default parent. If he wasn’t I’m sure that would bother me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is interesting. I'm a wife and my husband makes double what I make. I'd love to quit and SAH and we could afford it, but he doesn't believe in/wouldn't agree to a mentally and physically healthy adult not contributing to family finances once kids are school age. He does do his fair share around the house and with the kids, which is the only way we have a mostly-happy marriage.

Men who feel this way are a red flag. He’s saying he believes women should contribute 75% of the household labor and men 25%.

Almost every family ends up with the mom being the default parent. It’s easy for men to “not see” that labor and therefore pretend it doesn’t exist. These men are the leeches they’re so worried about their spouse becoming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Deadbeat husbands love to brag about their cash cows

? SAHM's on here talk about their husband's income and job all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is interesting. I'm a wife and my husband makes double what I make. I'd love to quit and SAH and we could afford it, but he doesn't believe in/wouldn't agree to a mentally and physically healthy adult not contributing to family finances once kids are school age. He does do his fair share around the house and with the kids, which is the only way we have a mostly-happy marriage.

I agree with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is interesting. I'm a wife and my husband makes double what I make. I'd love to quit and SAH and we could afford it, but he doesn't believe in/wouldn't agree to a mentally and physically healthy adult not contributing to family finances once kids are school age. He does do his fair share around the house and with the kids, which is the only way we have a mostly-happy marriage.

I’m a woman and l agree with him. Being the only breadwinner once kids are school age is a big stressful load for 1 person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is interesting. I'm a wife and my husband makes double what I make. I'd love to quit and SAH and we could afford it, but he doesn't believe in/wouldn't agree to a mentally and physically healthy adult not contributing to family finances once kids are school age. He does do his fair share around the house and with the kids, which is the only way we have a mostly-happy marriage.

I’m a woman and l agree with him. Being the only breadwinner once kids are school age is a big stressful load for 1 person.

I tend to agree as well, my husband just could not handle the mental stress of being the sole breadwinner and it is what it is. I thought I would like working more with kids, than I do in reality, but I have mostly made my peace with it.
That said - I really just cannot do much more than 50% of the household stuff. I probably do a bit more, but not much more. We split cooking, he does dishes, I do laundry. Maybe he would like it if I did it all, but I am literally willing to just let the dishes sit there if he doesn't do them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

Maybe the disconnect here is geography. I'm in a very neighborhoody sort of neighborhood in Fairfax. We are on the high end of the spectrum of HHI in the neighborhood and don't really fit the mold. The women are about 50% SAHMs, and the dual income families more typically have the mom working part-time or clearly not the higher income of the two. So, I don't actually know many women in my boat. I wish I did!

[Anonymous]

A Man who lives off a women’s income is a Gigilo


Porfirio Rubirosa was the most famous Gigilo in history and only dated super super rich women,

Read about him as one of most interesting men in history. Those very large and over foot long Pepper grinders at Italian restaurants are the exact size of his cock.

Which are why they are call Rubirosas. He was married five times including to the richest wife men in the world and slept with Marilyn Monroe, Ava and Zsa Zsa Garbor and Rita Haywood.

I am glad to see you women married to Gigilos I hope they “measure up”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A Man who lives off a women’s income is a Gigilo


Porfirio Rubirosa was the most famous Gigilo in history and only dated super super rich women,

Read about him as one of most interesting men in history. Those very large and over foot long Pepper grinders at Italian restaurants are the exact size of his cock.

Which are why they are call Rubirosas. He was married five times including to the richest wife men in the world and slept with Marilyn Monroe, Ava and Zsa Zsa Garbor and Rita Haywood.

I am glad to see you women married to Gigilos I hope they “measure up”

No one is talking about gigilos or living off the wives income. The question is just about out earning. SAHDs are a different category.

[Anonymous]

Me. But we've switched back and forth throughout our marriage. I made more when we first met, but he made more by the time we got married and while our kids were young. Ramped up once they were all in school and we were about equal. I pulled back at work when his business took off, so he outearned me by a lot. Pandemic was the end of his business, so I went back to full time and supported all of us with my salary for a bit. Now I make maybe 10% more than him? But it's always been a exchange between two people who each made enough to let the other chase opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

It’s LONELY compared to the mom who gets to have coffee and yoga classes every day with her SAHM squad
Once the kids are school age, it’s a life of leisure.