Want to ask my brother how he protects my nieces from creepy stepdad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can send your brother and SIL a message - “hey, I heard you stayed over at Moms. It’s been weighing on me a lot, and I don’t want to overstep, but given my experience with step father that I shared previously, how much I love your girls, and how devastating those experiences were for me as a kid, I feel really compelled to reach out and just say it made me really nervous when I heard that. I don’t want to make this A Thing between us and won’t bring it up again (no need to reply to this text) but it’s been keeping me up at night. you guys were so great and understanding when I shared with you previously that I figured I should reach out with my concerns. please forgive me if you think I’m meddling. Love you guys.”

Op here. Thank you! I love this language. This is helpful.

I like this language too though think you can skip the last sentence about meddling. We are talking about CSA.

I would also skip the last sentence. Hang in there OP. I am sorry you are in this position, and of course, re: what happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can send your brother and SIL a message - “hey, I heard you stayed over at Moms. It’s been weighing on me a lot, and I don’t want to overstep, but given my experience with step father that I shared previously, how much I love your girls, and how devastating those experiences were for me as a kid, I feel really compelled to reach out and just say it made me really nervous when I heard that. I don’t want to make this A Thing between us and won’t bring it up again (no need to reply to this text) but it’s been keeping me up at night. you guys were so great and understanding when I shared with you previously that I figured I should reach out with my concerns. please forgive me if you think I’m meddling. Love you guys.”

Op here. Thank you! I love this language. This is helpful.

I like this language too though think you can skip the last sentence about meddling. We are talking about CSA.

I would also skip the last sentence. Hang in there OP. I am sorry you are in this position, and of course, re: what happened to you.

I like the language too but would skip the part about them not needing to write back. My guess is that it would be too hard on OP if they took her up on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can send your brother and SIL a message - “hey, I heard you stayed over at Moms. It’s been weighing on me a lot, and I don’t want to overstep, but given my experience with step father that I shared previously, how much I love your girls, and how devastating those experiences were for me as a kid, I feel really compelled to reach out and just say it made me really nervous when I heard that. I don’t want to make this A Thing between us and won’t bring it up again (no need to reply to this text) but it’s been keeping me up at night. you guys were so great and understanding when I shared with you previously that I figured I should reach out with my concerns. please forgive me if you think I’m meddling. Love you guys.”

this email is FAR too passive. OP can say the words “sexual abuse” not “my experience.” otherwise it sounds unclear and like OP herself is apologizing for it.

OP this is kind of random, but I wonder if you would benefit from reading about Elizabeth Smart. One thing she advocates for is that women and girls shouldn’t feel shame about their abuse.

https://nypost.com/2020/12/01/elizabeth-smart-never-told-parents-about-sexual-abuse-by-kidnappers/amp/

[Anonymous]

Back to the original post, OP, sadly, there is nothing you can directly do to protect your nieces. You told and their parents still bring them around the prev and enabler. This is very common, tragically. You can contact them but I would not do it more than once more if you want to keep in contact with nieces. May be able to see signs of issues but not if they cut you off. The situation you are in can feel like being tortured anew, I know I felt frantic to change it somehow but it's not a matter of information anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your mother that you were sexually abused by her husband? Did she believe you? Something doesn’t make sense here. If she believed you there is no way she would stay married to a man who abused her daughter.

I know someone whose husband RAPED her 8 year old DD, went to PRISON for it and when he got out of prison, she took him back! Utter insanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume they keep close watch on their children when they visit, OP.

Perhaps you want some sort of retribution in the form of family estrangement from your stepfather, but you have to understand that this rarely happens in families. The victims step away for their own sanity, but the others often stay close. It's not that they don't believe you, but since the abuse was not perpetrated on their person and they did not witness it, they can never fully experience the trauma and revulsion, and they can tell themselves "oh, he's changed", "oh he must regret it", "oh, it was minor", or whatever. Sometimes they stay for the spouse of the perpetrator, and because they don't feel ready for extended family's scrutiny if they leave.

I'm sorry. Perhaps you feel betrayed all over again. I hope you're connected to a good therapist.

Wow. This is gaslighting at its absolute finest. 👏

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would assume they keep close watch on their children when they visit, OP.

Perhaps you want some sort of retribution in the form of family estrangement from your stepfather, but you have to understand that this rarely happens in families. The victims step away for their own sanity, but the others often stay close. It's not that they don't believe you, but since the abuse was not perpetrated on their person and they did not witness it, they can never fully experience the trauma and revulsion, and they can tell themselves "oh, he's changed", "oh he must regret it", "oh, it was minor", or whatever. Sometimes they stay for the spouse of the perpetrator, and because they don't feel ready for extended family's scrutiny if they leave.

I'm sorry. Perhaps you feel betrayed all over again. I hope you're connected to a good therapist.

Wow. This is gaslighting at its absolute finest. 👏

DP.

You have no idea what gaslighting is.

What the PP wrote is reality. If OP's SIL was the one abused by this man, she wouldn't have her children spend the night at his house, not even if she watched closely. But since it did not happen to her or her DH, they feel removed from the situation. Thats what the PP is saying. It's sad, but it's true.

[Anonymous]

I think you have a decision to make. Do you want to ask if he made sure to never leave his daughters alone with this man, even if it leads to a big “kerfuffle”? Personally yes, I would speak up and keep it brief, only because your initial interaction with him when you revealed the information was supportive.

Do you have access to the children? I would remind them about how no one has the right to touch them, that it’s always ok to talk to a caring adult, and that you are always there for them as their loving aunt.

[Anonymous]

I was raped as an adult, and the one thing that I did not expect was how many people 100% believed me, but also did not care and did not change their behavior in any way with respect to the rapist. I suspect it's the same for CSA. I expected to not be believed, but to be believed and then dismissed, well, that was additional trauma.
The reality is, many people don't care until it's them. Even if it's their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your mother that you were sexually abused by her husband? Did she believe you? Something doesn’t make sense here. If she believed you there is no way she would stay married to a man who abused her daughter.

I know someone whose husband RAPED her 8 year old DD, went to PRISON for it and when he got out of prison, she took him back! Utter insanity.

I truly cannot understand this mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can send your brother and SIL a message - “hey, I heard you stayed over at Moms. It’s been weighing on me a lot, and I don’t want to overstep, but given my experience with step father that I shared previously, how much I love your girls, and how devastating those experiences were for me as a kid, I feel really compelled to reach out and just say it made me really nervous when I heard that. I don’t want to make this A Thing between us and won’t bring it up again (no need to reply to this text) but it’s been keeping me up at night. you guys were so great and understanding when I shared with you previously that I figured I should reach out with my concerns. please forgive me if you think I’m meddling. Love you guys.”

Op here. Thank you! I love this language. This is helpful.

Yes, this is good. You can get this off your chest. It is okay if they don't respond. You have done all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your mother that you were sexually abused by her husband? Did she believe you? Something doesn’t make sense here. If she believed you there is no way she would stay married to a man who abused her daughter.

I know someone whose husband RAPED her 8 year old DD, went to PRISON for it and when he got out of prison, she took him back! Utter insanity.

I truly cannot understand this mentality.

Unfortunately, it is more common than you might guess.

OP, do you see your nieces in person? If so, I might focus there if I were you, on being a safe person they can come to, on talking about boundaries, not keeping secrets, etc. You cannot control your brother's behavior or his or SIL's choices.

If you don't see them in person, I'd try to build and maintain relationships with them. Unless that is not possible for you at this time due to anxiety around their visits with SF. I'd consider SIA linked above and therapeutic support for yourself (and not all MH pros are comfortable or effective re: these issues, so you may need to try a few) so you can manage your feelings around having spoken up and it still not being enough to protect other kids. Once you have tools to manage that, I'd consider contact with nieces.

Your brother not only brought his kids there, they stayed there. So nothing he is going to say is going to assuage your anxiety or PTSD reaction re: powerlessness and voice not being heard. If you are able to work to get to a place where you can be in contact with the kids and manage your anxiety you can keep an eye on them. If you are not able to do so, then distance for your own mental health. If you continue to raise with B, he may distance so access to the kids for you may not be an option.

[Anonymous]

The dynamics of the extended family when incest is involved are all sick, whether incest is acknowledged or not. It's commonly thought it's a poor mom who could not work who was dependent on a male breadwinner, but, it's not true. Look at how b/sil have reacted.

The literature from this group is very good, OP you may want to take a look at "Family Dynamics in the Incestuous Home."

https://siawso.org/product-category/language/english/

The really destructive thing about incest is that it often costs the victim her family, not just re: enabler of perp, but that the whole extended family becomes that, even in the victim's own generation and future generations. Rape by a stranger does not have as many generational ripple effects.

I'm so sorry, OP. I can feel your desperation to protect your nieces, as you were not protected. Yet, you do not have the power to do so. You can consider legal action, yet, even a conviction, if SOL has not expired, could be downplayed. Often this happens with SFs, SBs, etc., loyalty to them over the actual family member. It's not about them as an individual but the family patterns and sick ways of thinking and avoiding issues and even more often, re-creating generational trauma patterns. Your brother is enabling as was done in the home he grew up in.

[Anonymous]

^ his or her family, there are many male victims, too

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Is your stepfather your brother’s father?

Were you very clear on what your stepfather did to you and for how long it went on or were you vague?

If you were clear and left no misunderstandings, your brother and his wife either:

1) don’t believe you or
2) believe you and don’t care.

So I think you should stop worrying about how this will affect your relationship with them. They are vile.

The only way you will protect your nieces is to file a police report. Even that may not work, but at least you will have a clear conscious that you tried.