Want to ask my brother how he protects my nieces from creepy stepdad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can send your brother and SIL a message - “hey, I heard you stayed over at Moms. It’s been weighing on me a lot, and I don’t want to overstep, but given my experience with step father that I shared previously, how much I love your girls, and how devastating those experiences were for me as a kid, I feel really compelled to reach out and just say it made me really nervous when I heard that. I don’t want to make this A Thing between us and won’t bring it up again (no need to reply to this text) but it’s been keeping me up at night. you guys were so great and understanding when I shared with you previously that I figured I should reach out with my concerns. please forgive me if you think I’m meddling. Love you guys.”

Op here. Thank you! I love this language. This is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your mother that you were sexually abused by her husband? Did she believe you? Something doesn’t make sense here. If she believed you there is no way she would stay married to a man who abused her daughter.

It happens often, and also, it greatly depends what the abuse entailed. Not that OP should share on here if she does not wish to! But the word abuse covers a good deal of stuff.

[Anonymous]

A PP said in her extended family someone had been convicted and served time and the step FIL and MIL still hosted child relatives in the home. So even charges may not make that much of a difference long term. And if you did get stepF convicted it may be you who is reviled in the family.

[Anonymous]

I'd go to the police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can send your brother and SIL a message - “hey, I heard you stayed over at Moms. It’s been weighing on me a lot, and I don’t want to overstep, but given my experience with step father that I shared previously, how much I love your girls, and how devastating those experiences were for me as a kid, I feel really compelled to reach out and just say it made me really nervous when I heard that. I don’t want to make this A Thing between us and won’t bring it up again (no need to reply to this text) but it’s been keeping me up at night. you guys were so great and understanding when I shared with you previously that I figured I should reach out with my concerns. please forgive me if you think I’m meddling. Love you guys.”

Op here. Thank you! I love this language. This is helpful.

I like this language too though think you can skip the last sentence about meddling. We are talking about CSA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your mother that you were sexually abused by her husband? Did she believe you? Something doesn’t make sense here. If she believed you there is no way she would stay married to a man who abused her daughter.

Oh to be this naive. A blessing, truly.
Please leave this convo to the grownups who know something about sexual abuse and severe, dangerous family dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd go to the police.

+1

MD has no statute of limitations on child sexual abuse.

Also, raping a child is a lot more than "creepy", so what are we talking about?

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? Talk to them about bodily privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume they keep close watch on their children when they visit, OP.

Perhaps you want some sort of retribution in the form of family estrangement from your stepfather, but you have to understand that this rarely happens in families. The victims step away for their own sanity, but the others often stay close. It's not that they don't believe you, but since the abuse was not perpetrated on their person and they did not witness it, they can never fully experience the trauma and revulsion, and they can tell themselves "oh, he's changed", "oh he must regret it", "oh, it was minor", or whatever. Sometimes they stay for the spouse of the perpetrator, and because they don't feel ready for extended family's scrutiny if they leave.

I'm sorry. Perhaps you feel betrayed all over again. I hope you're connected to a good therapist.

Retaliation and retribution? She’s trying to prevent kids from being molested. This is why survivors like me only talk nitty gritty to fellow survivors. Outside people truly dont get it. OP, in addition to a therapist, perhaps you will find an online community or survivors community you can talk to about this. I’m not in the DMV otherwise I would recommend one.

And, PP, survivors are actually acutely aware that their extended family will likely drop the ball on supporting them/showing allyship. It’s yet another reason we don’t speak up.

[Anonymous]

Cognitive dissonance is real OP. I was molested by my dad and told my family, kind of under duress and have ended up totally estranged, while he enjoys intact relationships with everyone who knows save one relative who chose me.

I’m sorry but ultimately I think this kind of information is uniformly difficult for people to process, much less compel them to change their ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your mother that you were sexually abused by her husband? Did she believe you? Something doesn’t make sense here. If she believed you there is no way she would stay married to a man who abused her daughter.

Poster you are very, very naive.

I am a survivor of child abuse and have spent years as a victim advocate and later as a prosecutor.

It is far more common for mothers to be complicit in the abuse of their children than to be proactive in reporting that abuse or removing their children from access by the offender.

My own sister, knowing full well her husband had just molested her early teens daughter from another relationship, actually asked her daughter ‘do you want me to blow up our whole family over this?’ with the obvious expectation that her daughter would be too afraid to say, ‘yes.’ She and her molesting husband (it was only once! they excused him by) then proceeded to make my increasingly troubled niece the scapegoat for all the family’s future problems.

I get that it’s mindblowing at some level. But not as much for me, because my mother sat silent and said and did nothing while my father beat me and bullied me right in front of her for decades. Because she did nothing about the things that were right in front of her, why would I bother even telling her about things daddy did to me when we were alone in my room at night during bedtime stories?

You are blissfully ignorant, and I envy you that, but I suggest you might have more compassion for the experiences of others if you educated yourself about what are all too common dynamics in abusive families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, this hits close to home.

You've done all you can, sadly. They are the parents and it's up to them how they respond to this information.

My step FIL was convicted of molesting his own daughter in the late 80s. He spent one year in prison for that and unpaid child support in the late 90s.

We never allow him to be alone with our children and we stay in a hotel when we visit. We keep the visits short. I even watch the door close behind my kids when they go to the bathroom. It's exhausting but FIL has learned to stay away from our kids. I also talk to my kids about what inappropriate contact (physical and otherwise) is and to tell me right away if any adult does or says or shows those things to them. I let them know it's illegal. They are both teens now and that has been enough. Luckily, they live on the opposite side of the country.

It helps that we have boys and his history is with molesting little girls only, but I say nothing to my BIL and SIL, who have lived with him and my MIL on and off with their two daughters for years. They know, and those are their kids. I can't control what they do.

Sorry, you are crazy too. Your husband’s mother is married to a child molester—she is a sick pig just like her husband. I don’t care that you watch your kids, you have no business having your kids around these sickos. And your comment about how it “helps” that you have boys when he molests girls is revolting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your mother that you were sexually abused by her husband? Did she believe you? Something doesn’t make sense here. If she believed you there is no way she would stay married to a man who abused her daughter.

This happens more than you would like to know. Agree it is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, this hits close to home.

You've done all you can, sadly. They are the parents and it's up to them how they respond to this information.

My step FIL was convicted of molesting his own daughter in the late 80s. He spent one year in prison for that and unpaid child support in the late 90s.

We never allow him to be alone with our children and we stay in a hotel when we visit. We keep the visits short. I even watch the door close behind my kids when they go to the bathroom. It's exhausting but FIL has learned to stay away from our kids. I also talk to my kids about what inappropriate contact (physical and otherwise) is and to tell me right away if any adult does or says or shows those things to them. I let them know it's illegal. They are both teens now and that has been enough. Luckily, they live on the opposite side of the country.

It helps that we have boys and his history is with molesting little girls only, but I say nothing to my BIL and SIL, who have lived with him and my MIL on and off with their two daughters for years. They know, and those are their kids. I can't control what they do.

Sorry, you are crazy too. Your husband’s mother is married to a child molester—she is a sick pig just like her husband. I don’t care that you watch your kids, you have no business having your kids around these sickos. And your comment about how it “helps” that you have boys when he molests girls is revolting.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your mother that you were sexually abused by her husband? Did she believe you? Something doesn’t make sense here. If she believed you there is no way she would stay married to a man who abused her daughter.

A coworker of mine had this happen to her. Her mother refused to believe it. I completely believed my friend/coworker. It really affected her entire outlook on people and trust.