Want to ask my brother how he protects my nieces from creepy stepdad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is your mother in all this? She is a terrible person, either for not believing you or for not putting her kids first and getting rid of stepdad. Now she’s putting her grandchildren in harms way.

Op here. My mom was present many times when the abuse happened and also still denies that it ever happened. She’s told everyone in the family that I’m crazy.

[Anonymous]

This is just me OP, but I would be on the warpath and not worried about putting anyone on the defensive. That means group emails putting everyone involved on blast and even possibly calling CPS. If you are a mandatory reporter you may even be legally required to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is just me OP, but I would be on the warpath and not worried about putting anyone on the defensive. That means group emails putting everyone involved on blast and even possibly calling CPS. If you are a mandatory reporter you may even be legally required to do this.

Op here. I wish I had your courage! It took me years and lots of therapy to tell my brother what happened, and even then I only did it because I was so worried about his kids.

[Anonymous]

I think you can look to your brother's past reaction a little bit to try to estimate future behavior. In your position, I would ask if they're doing anything DIFFERENTLY now that Sally is approaching puberty, and I would frame that as concern because of your age at the time of the abuse. I don't think that framing it that way assumes that they are taking NO steps, and maybe it would alert them to the potential need to do something differently as their kids become older and more at risk based on this abuser's history.

Your mom sounds AWFUL and I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. You deserve to be heard, believed, and supported.

[Anonymous]

You already told your brother and his wife, what would change in telling them again? It seems they didn’t fully believe you or might have thought you exaggerated the facts. They have made up their minds and you will only hear “mind your own business” if you bring it up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would assume they keep close watch on their children when they visit, OP.

Perhaps you want some sort of retribution in the form of family estrangement from your stepfather, but you have to understand that this rarely happens in families. The victims step away for their own sanity, but the others often stay close. It's not that they don't believe you, but since the abuse was not perpetrated on their person and they did not witness it, they can never fully experience the trauma and revulsion, and they can tell themselves "oh, he's changed", "oh he must regret it", "oh, it was minor", or whatever. Sometimes they stay for the spouse of the perpetrator, and because they don't feel ready for extended family's scrutiny if they leave.

I'm sorry. Perhaps you feel betrayed all over again. I hope you're connected to a good therapist.

Op here. Yes, I suppose in some fantasyland I do wish my brother would support me and hold my stepfather accountable, but I always knew it wouldn’t happen. I never expected he’d actually estrange my parents.

My current despair is just thinking of my nieces under the same roof as my stepdad. I’d like to know what precautions they take. I keep telling myself that my brother and SIL are actually very loving and engaged parents. My SIL is actually a SAHM. But I still feel worried. I just can’t wrap my head around their decisions.

I'm not sure I would make the same assumption as PP, I don't know. For some, it is part of the denial not to do so. OP, once you have raised it with them, know that continuing to do so may result in an estrangement from you, including the kids. And you could be that safe person not in denial, should they need that.

OP, are you familiar with this group? They have some very good literature and in person and Zoom meetings. https://siawso.org/ I think all you can do that you can control is to focus on your own recovery and perhaps find related volunteer work.

I'm so sorry, both for your experience and for how triggering this must be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You already told your brother and his wife, what would change in telling them again? It seems they didn’t fully believe you or might have thought you exaggerated the facts. They have made up their minds and you will only hear “mind your own business” if you bring it up again.

Op here. So I’m only allowed to raise this issue one time ever in my life? That’s the number of conversations I’ve had about this with my brother and SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You already told your brother and his wife, what would change in telling them again? It seems they didn’t fully believe you or might have thought you exaggerated the facts. They have made up their minds and you will only hear “mind your own business” if you bring it up again.

Op here. So I’m only allowed to raise this issue one time ever in my life? That’s the number of conversations I’ve had about this with my brother and SIL.

No, OP. This PP is wrong. You are allowed to raise it as many times with as many people as you need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is your mother in all this? She is a terrible person, either for not believing you or for not putting her kids first and getting rid of stepdad. Now she’s putting her grandchildren in harms way.

Op here. My mom was present many times when the abuse happened and also still denies that it ever happened. She’s told everyone in the family that I’m crazy.

Does your brother know this about your mother? I would go full no-contact with my parent if they knew about abuse and did nothing. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepdad sexually abused me from age 12 to age 17. My brother maintains a relationship with my mother and stepdad. My brother has 3 daughters.

Two years ago, I shared with my brother the details of the sexual abuse committed by my stepdad so he could protect his children.

I recently learned that two weeks ago, my brother and his wife took their kids to visit my parents and spent the weekend there, spending the night in my parent’s house.

I want to ask them what measures they take to keep their kids safe, but I am afraid that even raising the question might alienate them. Is there a way to ask this question without starting a huge kerfuffle?

How did your brother respond when you disclosed the abuse to him? You said that he maintains a relationship with them, which implies that you do not. How old are the daughters in question?

Op here. He was very bothered by what I shared and he said he believed me. His kids range from age 2-9.

I think it is worth sharing with him that you were concerned when you heard that they'd stayed overnight at your parents' house. Maybe he hasn't been concerned thus far because his kids have been younger, but they are now approaching the age you were when the abuse began, which would scare the hell out of me in your shoes. It's also worth considering that if he's maintained a somewhat normal relationship with them for the last 2 years, his guard is down about the threat. It's worth asking if they are doing anything differently now that their oldest daughter is approaching puberty.

Op here. I want to raise it but my concern is how to ask this question without putting my brother and SIL on the defensive. I assume they must take steps to keep their kids safe but I don’t know what those steps are.

They may not. And no way to ask without putting them on the defensive and you can't really control how they respond to the information. Have you considered providing them with info from a group like Darkness to Light, etc.? You've tried your words and it did not move the needle. But know that you can't control what they do and certainly not what the perv does. I think your situation is very difficult esp as you are in contact with them and want to keep the relationship. I'd seek out therapy to learn to manage the fact that you cannot control something so important that matters a lot to you. I'm so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You already told your brother and his wife, what would change in telling them again? It seems they didn’t fully believe you or might have thought you exaggerated the facts. They have made up their minds and you will only hear “mind your own business” if you bring it up again.

That combined with your mother and stepdad denying it happened makes it easy for them to keep the status quo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You already told your brother and his wife, what would change in telling them again? It seems they didn’t fully believe you or might have thought you exaggerated the facts. They have made up their minds and you will only hear “mind your own business” if you bring it up again.

Op here. So I’m only allowed to raise this issue one time ever in my life? That’s the number of conversations I’ve had about this with my brother and SIL.

No, OP. This PP is wrong. You are allowed to raise it as many times with as many people as you need to.

No, OP, of course not. But understand that your words have not changed their actions re: their kids. You can continue to raise it but it may cause estrangement from you and no increase in safety to the kids. That is the reality of these dynamics. And repeatedly talking to them while they continue to stay at the house of your perpetrator with young kids is going to be incredibly triggering for you but it is not something you have any control over. It's no longer an information issue. They did not know. Now they do. They still stay in that house with the kids. I know it feels horrible and you feel like you must change it but the decision is not within your control and you need to learn to manage your anxiety and PTSD around that fact. It sucks, I have been there. These dynamics are incredibly common, you cannot find the magic words to change them. You told and that was very brave. You can only protect yourself and your kids, should you have any unless you want to involve the legal system and if that is possible.

Focus on what YOU can control. Check the SOL in their state, maybe you could file charges?

[Anonymous]

I think you can send your brother and SIL a message - “hey, I heard you stayed over at Moms. It’s been weighing on me a lot, and I don’t want to overstep, but given my experience with step father that I shared previously, how much I love your girls, and how devastating those experiences were for me as a kid, I feel really compelled to reach out and just say it made me really nervous when I heard that. I don’t want to make this A Thing between us and won’t bring it up again (no need to reply to this text) but it’s been keeping me up at night. you guys were so great and understanding when I shared with you previously that I figured I should reach out with my concerns. please forgive me if you think I’m meddling. Love you guys.”

[Anonymous]

Did you tell your mother that you were sexually abused by her husband? Did she believe you? Something doesn’t make sense here. If she believed you there is no way she would stay married to a man who abused her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell your mother that you were sexually abused by her husband? Did she believe you? Something doesn’t make sense here. If she believed you there is no way she would stay married to a man who abused her daughter.

Op here. My mom not only witnessed the abuse multiple times, she facilitated it by creating opportunities for my stepdad to have access to me with no adult supervision.

I think you are very lucky that none of this makes sense to you.