Want to ask my brother how he protects my nieces from creepy stepdad

[Anonymous]

My stepdad sexually abused me from age 12 to age 17. My brother maintains a relationship with my mother and stepdad. My brother has 3 daughters.

Two years ago, I shared with my brother the details of the sexual abuse committed by my stepdad so he could protect his children.

I recently learned that two weeks ago, my brother and his wife took their kids to visit my parents and spent the weekend there, spending the night in my parent’s house.

I want to ask them what measures they take to keep their kids safe, but I am afraid that even raising the question might alienate them. Is there a way to ask this question without starting a huge kerfuffle?

[Anonymous]

Does your SIL know? That's where I'd start.

[Anonymous]

If your SIL doesn't know tell her but you cannot fix stupid. Your brother either doesn't believe you or doesn't care. Sadly not much you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your SIL know? That's where I'd start.

Op here. Yes, she knows. I told her and my brother at the same time. I’m not super close with her. She’s super nice but also a person who keeps everything light and on the surface.

[Anonymous]

If they both know, you’ve done your job. Are you close to the daughters? You can be adult in their life to whom they can turn if they ever have a need. You can’t stop their parents from visiting unless you seek to have him convicted, if that’s an option.

[Anonymous]

I would assume they keep close watch on their children when they visit, OP.

Perhaps you want some sort of retribution in the form of family estrangement from your stepfather, but you have to understand that this rarely happens in families. The victims step away for their own sanity, but the others often stay close. It's not that they don't believe you, but since the abuse was not perpetrated on their person and they did not witness it, they can never fully experience the trauma and revulsion, and they can tell themselves "oh, he's changed", "oh he must regret it", "oh, it was minor", or whatever. Sometimes they stay for the spouse of the perpetrator, and because they don't feel ready for extended family's scrutiny if they leave.

I'm sorry. Perhaps you feel betrayed all over again. I hope you're connected to a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepdad sexually abused me from age 12 to age 17. My brother maintains a relationship with my mother and stepdad. My brother has 3 daughters.

Two years ago, I shared with my brother the details of the sexual abuse committed by my stepdad so he could protect his children.

I recently learned that two weeks ago, my brother and his wife took their kids to visit my parents and spent the weekend there, spending the night in my parent’s house.

I want to ask them what measures they take to keep their kids safe, but I am afraid that even raising the question might alienate them. Is there a way to ask this question without starting a huge kerfuffle?

How did your brother respond when you disclosed the abuse to him? You said that he maintains a relationship with them, which implies that you do not. How old are the daughters in question?

[Anonymous]

Oh, this hits close to home.

You've done all you can, sadly. They are the parents and it's up to them how they respond to this information.

My step FIL was convicted of molesting his own daughter in the late 80s. He spent one year in prison for that and unpaid child support in the late 90s.

We never allow him to be alone with our children and we stay in a hotel when we visit. We keep the visits short. I even watch the door close behind my kids when they go to the bathroom. It's exhausting but FIL has learned to stay away from our kids. I also talk to my kids about what inappropriate contact (physical and otherwise) is and to tell me right away if any adult does or says or shows those things to them. I let them know it's illegal. They are both teens now and that has been enough. Luckily, they live on the opposite side of the country.

It helps that we have boys and his history is with molesting little girls only, but I say nothing to my BIL and SIL, who have lived with him and my MIL on and off with their two daughters for years. They know, and those are their kids. I can't control what they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume they keep close watch on their children when they visit, OP.

Perhaps you want some sort of retribution in the form of family estrangement from your stepfather, but you have to understand that this rarely happens in families. The victims step away for their own sanity, but the others often stay close. It's not that they don't believe you, but since the abuse was not perpetrated on their person and they did not witness it, they can never fully experience the trauma and revulsion, and they can tell themselves "oh, he's changed", "oh he must regret it", "oh, it was minor", or whatever. Sometimes they stay for the spouse of the perpetrator, and because they don't feel ready for extended family's scrutiny if they leave.

I'm sorry. Perhaps you feel betrayed all over again. I hope you're connected to a good therapist.

Op here. Yes, I suppose in some fantasyland I do wish my brother would support me and hold my stepfather accountable, but I always knew it wouldn’t happen. I never expected he’d actually estrange my parents.

My current despair is just thinking of my nieces under the same roof as my stepdad. I’d like to know what precautions they take. I keep telling myself that my brother and SIL are actually very loving and engaged parents. My SIL is actually a SAHM. But I still feel worried. I just can’t wrap my head around their decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, this hits close to home.

You've done all you can, sadly. They are the parents and it's up to them how they respond to this information.

My step FIL was convicted of molesting his own daughter in the late 80s. He spent one year in prison for that and unpaid child support in the late 90s.

We never allow him to be alone with our children and we stay in a hotel when we visit. We keep the visits short. I even watch the door close behind my kids when they go to the bathroom. It's exhausting but FIL has learned to stay away from our kids. I also talk to my kids about what inappropriate contact (physical and otherwise) is and to tell me right away if any adult does or says or shows those things to them. I let them know it's illegal. They are both teens now and that has been enough. Luckily, they live on the opposite side of the country.

It helps that we have boys and his history is with molesting little girls only, but I say nothing to my BIL and SIL, who have lived with him and my MIL on and off with their two daughters for years. They know, and those are their kids. I can't control what they do.

Why do you see stepFIL at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepdad sexually abused me from age 12 to age 17. My brother maintains a relationship with my mother and stepdad. My brother has 3 daughters.

Two years ago, I shared with my brother the details of the sexual abuse committed by my stepdad so he could protect his children.

I recently learned that two weeks ago, my brother and his wife took their kids to visit my parents and spent the weekend there, spending the night in my parent’s house.

I want to ask them what measures they take to keep their kids safe, but I am afraid that even raising the question might alienate them. Is there a way to ask this question without starting a huge kerfuffle?

How did your brother respond when you disclosed the abuse to him? You said that he maintains a relationship with them, which implies that you do not. How old are the daughters in question?

Op here. He was very bothered by what I shared and he said he believed me. His kids range from age 2-9.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume they keep close watch on their children when they visit, OP.

Perhaps you want some sort of retribution in the form of family estrangement from your stepfather, but you have to understand that this rarely happens in families. The victims step away for their own sanity, but the others often stay close. It's not that they don't believe you, but since the abuse was not perpetrated on their person and they did not witness it, they can never fully experience the trauma and revulsion, and they can tell themselves "oh, he's changed", "oh he must regret it", "oh, it was minor", or whatever. Sometimes they stay for the spouse of the perpetrator, and because they don't feel ready for extended family's scrutiny if they leave.

I'm sorry. Perhaps you feel betrayed all over again. I hope you're connected to a good therapist.

Np. The grandkids are in real danger. It's not right for you to shame op by saying what she's REALLY after is retribution. That's irrelevant. These kids are in a position to be groomed by a child molester.

Maybe the brother doesn't believe her or maybe he's being hyper vigilant. Op, I understand why you're concerned. If I were you I would talk to him and or SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepdad sexually abused me from age 12 to age 17. My brother maintains a relationship with my mother and stepdad. My brother has 3 daughters.

Two years ago, I shared with my brother the details of the sexual abuse committed by my stepdad so he could protect his children.

I recently learned that two weeks ago, my brother and his wife took their kids to visit my parents and spent the weekend there, spending the night in my parent’s house.

I want to ask them what measures they take to keep their kids safe, but I am afraid that even raising the question might alienate them. Is there a way to ask this question without starting a huge kerfuffle?

How did your brother respond when you disclosed the abuse to him? You said that he maintains a relationship with them, which implies that you do not. How old are the daughters in question?

Op here. He was very bothered by what I shared and he said he believed me. His kids range from age 2-9.

I think it is worth sharing with him that you were concerned when you heard that they'd stayed overnight at your parents' house. Maybe he hasn't been concerned thus far because his kids have been younger, but they are now approaching the age you were when the abuse began, which would scare the hell out of me in your shoes. It's also worth considering that if he's maintained a somewhat normal relationship with them for the last 2 years, his guard is down about the threat. It's worth asking if they are doing anything differently now that their oldest daughter is approaching puberty.

[Anonymous]

Where is your mother in all this? She is a terrible person, either for not believing you or for not putting her kids first and getting rid of stepdad. Now she’s putting her grandchildren in harms way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepdad sexually abused me from age 12 to age 17. My brother maintains a relationship with my mother and stepdad. My brother has 3 daughters.

Two years ago, I shared with my brother the details of the sexual abuse committed by my stepdad so he could protect his children.

I recently learned that two weeks ago, my brother and his wife took their kids to visit my parents and spent the weekend there, spending the night in my parent’s house.

I want to ask them what measures they take to keep their kids safe, but I am afraid that even raising the question might alienate them. Is there a way to ask this question without starting a huge kerfuffle?

How did your brother respond when you disclosed the abuse to him? You said that he maintains a relationship with them, which implies that you do not. How old are the daughters in question?

Op here. He was very bothered by what I shared and he said he believed me. His kids range from age 2-9.

I think it is worth sharing with him that you were concerned when you heard that they'd stayed overnight at your parents' house. Maybe he hasn't been concerned thus far because his kids have been younger, but they are now approaching the age you were when the abuse began, which would scare the hell out of me in your shoes. It's also worth considering that if he's maintained a somewhat normal relationship with them for the last 2 years, his guard is down about the threat. It's worth asking if they are doing anything differently now that their oldest daughter is approaching puberty.

Op here. I want to raise it but my concern is how to ask this question without putting my brother and SIL on the defensive. I assume they must take steps to keep their kids safe but I don’t know what those steps are.