Want to ask my brother how he protects my nieces from creepy stepdad

[Anonymous]

Talk to your nieces. Obviously, your brother is an irresponsible enabler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepdad sexually abused me from age 12 to age 17. My brother maintains a relationship with my mother and stepdad. My brother has 3 daughters.

Two years ago, I shared with my brother the details of the sexual abuse committed by my stepdad so he could protect his children.

I recently learned that two weeks ago, my brother and his wife took their kids to visit my parents and spent the weekend there, spending the night in my parent’s house.

I want to ask them what measures they take to keep their kids safe, but I am afraid that even raising the question might alienate them. Is there a way to ask this question without starting a huge kerfuffle?

How did your brother respond when you disclosed the abuse to him? You said that he maintains a relationship with them, which implies that you do not. How old are the daughters in question?

Op here. He was very bothered by what I shared and he said he believed me. His kids range from age 2-9.

I think it is worth sharing with him that you were concerned when you heard that they'd stayed overnight at your parents' house. Maybe he hasn't been concerned thus far because his kids have been younger, but they are now approaching the age you were when the abuse began, which would scare the hell out of me in your shoes. It's also worth considering that if he's maintained a somewhat normal relationship with them for the last 2 years, his guard is down about the threat. It's worth asking if they are doing anything differently now that their oldest daughter is approaching puberty.

+ 1. It doesn't hurt to follow up in a gentle way and offer to work with him to come up with some protocols or if that's too much for you maybe point him to some resources. I think you will feel better if you do this, even if he does not follow through

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what CPS is for - to protect kids when the adults in their life aren’t doing it.

I would contact CPS immediately and I would also file a police report about both grandparents (I’m sure that facilitating molestation and making opportunities has to be a crime too). Probably too long ago for a criminal case but it might help CPS to keep those kids safe.

Your brother is NOT taking steps to keep his daughters safe since he still lives in that house. Period.

I would give the brother one more chance before doing this. Maybe he is taking steps to protect his girls but OP just isn't aware. Talk to the brother, see if he is protecting them or commits to. If he does not, then consider a CPS report. Was he reported? was he convicted? was he ordered to stay away from children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cognitive dissonance is real OP. I was molested by my dad and told my family, kind of under duress and have ended up totally estranged, while he enjoys intact relationships with everyone who knows save one relative who chose me.

I’m sorry but ultimately I think this kind of information is uniformly difficult for people to process, much less compel them to change their ways.

This is similar to my story too and it’s hurtful that the victim is the one who is treated like the perpetrator. My dad’s trying to gaslight me and my sister about his molesting us individually while he helped us with our homework. I was surprised to see him with his hands in my sister’s underwear because I thought I was the only one. I reported this to my mom and he finally stopped molesting us. He says I “dreamed this up.” How can two individuals separately dream up the same thing? Anyways, just commiserating. It’s lonely to be cast out for calling him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Talk to them about bodily privacy.

Tell the 9 year old that stepdad likes to touch girls’ private parts and that if he ever does that she should tell her parents or you.

In front of the parents.

You do want to stop this, right?

This is an excellent idea, I'd tweak to add "or teacher."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepdad sexually abused me from age 12 to age 17. My brother maintains a relationship with my mother and stepdad. My brother has 3 daughters.

Two years ago, I shared with my brother the details of the sexual abuse committed by my stepdad so he could protect his children.

I recently learned that two weeks ago, my brother and his wife took their kids to visit my parents and spent the weekend there, spending the night in my parent’s house.

I want to ask them what measures they take to keep their kids safe, but I am afraid that even raising the question might alienate them. Is there a way to ask this question without starting a huge kerfuffle?

Why haven't you reported your stepdad,? You know perfectly well that he's molesting another child. Did your mother know and do nothing?

OP, has the statute of limitations expired where the csa occurred?

PP, know that even if it is possible to convict SF at this time, it often does not cause others in the sick family system to keep kids away. Upthread someone posted that in her family the wife of such a man (and abusers can be women, too) took him back after he was released from a 1 yr jail stint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what CPS is for - to protect kids when the adults in their life aren’t doing it.

I would contact CPS immediately and I would also file a police report about both grandparents (I’m sure that facilitating molestation and making opportunities has to be a crime too). Probably too long ago for a criminal case but it might help CPS to keep those kids safe.

Your brother is NOT taking steps to keep his daughters safe since he still lives in that house. Period.

I would give the brother one more chance before doing this. Maybe he is taking steps to protect his girls but OP just isn't aware. Talk to the brother, see if he is protecting them or commits to. If he does not, then consider a CPS report. Was he reported? was he convicted? was he ordered to stay away from children?

He was NOT reported or convicted. The kids don't live with SF. CPS will do nothing in this situation. OP, if you still have access to the kids and while you do, I would try to say something directly to them, or at least the oldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-031-07222-2_7

SF has groomed the whole family, including ILs. Being in that environment with moms being groped and no one saying anything puts the kids at higher risk not only from SF but from any predator.

I had a coworker who married into a family where the groping of DILs took place, etc., as you describe, OP, there had also been csa in her H's family. She ended up divorced before having any kids. She told a story about the FIL getting handsy with DILs at Easter dinner, at the table, kids and elderly all present, including coworker's parents, who were angry and upset the first time. Less the second. It all desensitizes.

OP is the healthiest one.

That's not grooming. That's molesting. Grooming is the friendly overtures to facilitate access.

It is grooming of the observers who learn to follow the group code of doing nothing and it creates opportunities for further assaults on others who are present. Way to divert the thread from an uncomfortable topic to your policing of language though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepdad sexually abused me from age 12 to age 17. My brother maintains a relationship with my mother and stepdad. My brother has 3 daughters.

Two years ago, I shared with my brother the details of the sexual abuse committed by my stepdad so he could protect his children.

I recently learned that two weeks ago, my brother and his wife took their kids to visit my parents and spent the weekend there, spending the night in my parent’s house.

I want to ask them what measures they take to keep their kids safe, but I am afraid that even raising the question might alienate them. Is there a way to ask this question without starting a huge kerfuffle?

How did your brother respond when you disclosed the abuse to him? You said that he maintains a relationship with them, which implies that you do not. How old are the daughters in question?

Op here. He was very bothered by what I shared and he said he believed me. His kids range from age 2-9.

I think it is worth sharing with him that you were concerned when you heard that they'd stayed overnight at your parents' house. Maybe he hasn't been concerned thus far because his kids have been younger, but they are now approaching the age you were when the abuse began, which would scare the hell out of me in your shoes. It's also worth considering that if he's maintained a somewhat normal relationship with them for the last 2 years, his guard is down about the threat. It's worth asking if they are doing anything differently now that their oldest daughter is approaching puberty.

Op here. I want to raise it but my concern is how to ask this question without putting my brother and SIL on the defensive. I assume they must take steps to keep their kids safe but I don’t know what those steps are.

Good lord! Who gives a damn about their feelings when they know the SF is a pedophile,? You tell them with everyone present and then you give your mother holybhell for not protecting you. Then you cut off all contact with them
You also report this to the police.