DCUM Weblog

The most active thread yesterday was titled, "Getting Divorced. People Say 'I’m sorry.' Why?" and posted in the "Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)" forum. The original poster says that she is getting divorced and, when she tells people, they say, "I am so sorry" but she doesn't want people to feel sorry for her. To the contrary, she feels like it is her best decision in years. She wonders why people say this. Many of those responsding explain why they would say they were sorry in such circumstances while others suggest ways to respond or redirect the conversation. If you have been around DCUM long enough you have likely come to recognize certain posters who have specific obsessions and will find ways of turning almost any discussion towards their particular fixation. Threads about divorce, regardless the initial focus of the thread, generally attract one or more posters who are consumed by the impact of divorce on children. Despite the original poster not saying anything about children, already by the second page posters began discussing how divorce affects kids. The thread also attracted a particularly nasty troll who was intent on insulting the original poster and others. As a result, I had to continually return to this thread to remove that poster's posts. I wouldn't think the topic of the thread would be that controversial, but the thread became an outlet for posters' own neuroses.

The most active thread yesterday was titled, "DH thinks my low sex drive is not the norm because of his lack of experience with women." and posted in the "Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)" forum. The original poster explains that her husband only had one long term relationship prior to her. They've been married for 10 years and are in their early 60s. The original poster's sex drive has diminished and the couple is only intimate about once a month. The original poster's husband believes this is not normal and would prefer a greater frequency. Many of those responding agree with the original poster that sex drives decline after menopause. But, as is always the case with this type of discussion on DCUM, there are posters eager to proclaim that despite their advanced ages and lengthy marriages, they have the libidos of teenagers and sex lives of rabbits. The other certainty of this type of thread is that posters will show up to argue that husbands whose sexual desires are not fulfilled are justified in cheating. So, of course, there is a debate about that in the thread.

The most active thread yesterday was titled, "Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as 'good guests'" and posted in the "Family Relationships" forum. The original poster explains that she, her husband, and three young kids are visiting her in-laws and her in-laws don't do anything to help with the kids. The original poster says that she feels like a nanny as she tries to keep the kids occupied and entertained while her husband sits with his parents talking about politics or theater. Moreover, the original poster and her husband are expected to wash dishes after meals and strip the bed linens when they leave. I get that posters frequently use DCUM to vent and aren't really expecting much in the way of advice or helpful feedback. But really? Complaining about stripping bed linens? DCUM is traditionally hostile to threads perceived as whiny and this thread seems especially whiny. So, having read the first post of the thread and seeing that the thread is 11 pages long, my expectation is that the thread likely consists entirely of posters lambasting the original poster. However, because I don't feel like readling that many pages of such posts, I'm not going to check to see whether my expectation is correct. Reading the first page of replies suggests that the one thing that I overlooked is that those responding would be even more critical of her husband than they are of the original poster (though that is often cloaked of criticism of her as well). I don't see anyone offering the original poster much sympathy.

Today I'll look at the most active threads over the weekend. The most active thread has been around for a few days, having been created on December 15. Titled, "SAHDs are not lepers" and posted in the "General Parenting Discussion" forum, the thread picked up momentum over the weekend, gaining an additional 9 pages of replies. The original poster describes several incidents in which he has been treated suspiciously when simply doing normal things as a stay at home dad. Unfortunately for the original poster, the replies did not get off to a good start as the first response was simply a list of statistics showing that men commit most of the listed crimes. While a few posters did sympathize with the original poster, by and large those responding either theorized that his behavior was creepy or that the original poster simply gave the impression of being a pervert. Later in the thread some posters, including other stay at home dads, did offer support for the original poster. However, much of the debate then turned to the fact that these were likely white men who had not previously been in situations in which they were considered suspicious or prevented from doing normal activities. They were told that they should accommodate themselves to the situation just as members of other groups are forced to do. In other words, "you might not be a leper, but you are a member of a group that contains lots of lepers and just like other groups prone to leprosy, you should walk around ringing a bell." This is a guilty until proven innocent mentality that shouldn't be acceptable regardless to whom it was directed. But, unfortunately, in the world in which we live, it is fairly common.

Today I'll look at the most popular threads of the last week. When I do these weekly wrap-ups, I skip threads that were already mentioned in one of the daily posts. While the majority of this week's most active threads have already been discussed, one that wasn't is a thread that was started in October but was very active last week. Due to the new methodology I'm now using to identify the most active threads, the thread titled, "The White Lotus season 2" and posted in the "Entertainment and Pop Culture" forum, came out on top as the most active thread of the week. The topic of this thread is self-explanatory. Since the season started airing, posters have weighed in weekly to discuss the lastest episode and share insights on new developments. With the season finale being made available a week ago, attention turned to that episode as well as broader discussions of the season. White Lotus, especially season 2, seems to have been very popular among DCUM posters and this thread is 183 pages long, making it one of the most active threads of the entire past year. Unfortunately, the thread was taken over by a few crazies and I ended up locking it. One poster was weirdly fixated on the Harper character and appeared to have difficulty distinguishing between a television show and real life. Continually having to remove that poster's inappropriate posts and the responses to them was more than I could handle. That poster was far from being the only one obsessed with some aspect or character of the show, however, and plenty of strongly-held opinions were shared.

Before I get started discussing the most active threads I want to explain a change I've made to my methodology for identifying which threads are most active. Prior to today, I only considered threads that were created during the time frame being discussed. That is generally the prior day but on Sundays it is the previous week and on Mondays it is the prior weekend. Doing this overlooked threads that were created earlier but received a high number of replies or views during the relevant timeframe. It also generally meant that threads created late in the day had little chance of making the most active list. Starting today, I will no longer limit threads to those created during the time period being discussed, but will rank them by number of replies within the timeframe regardless of when the thread was created. Because views are recorded as a simple incremental number in a topic's record, there are no dates associated with them as there are with replies. So, I have no easy way of telling how many views occurred during a specific period and, therefore, the most viewed threads will still be determined based on when a thread was created. I will use a combination of the most views and most replies to somewhat arbitrarily determined the top threads. The bottom line is that while there will still be some subjectivity in determining the most active threads, the list of threads with the most replies will no longer depend on when threads were created.

Yesterday's most active thread was titled, "Start to feel suicidal when I’m alone with kids for multiple days and not getting out" and posted in the "Health and Medicine" forum. The original poster says that her husband is away on a business trip and she has been stuck inside with sick children for multiple days and feels trapped. She explains that while she rationally wouldn't commit suicide, she has been considering it as a way out of the situation. Posters writing that they are considering suicide is not an uncommon thing on DCUM. Frequently when such threads are started, posters ask if I can use the poster's internet protocol (IP) address to identify them and alert authorities. IP addresses don't provide that level of identification and several levels of intervention by authorities would be required to identify the poster. Many times, including in this case, the poster doesn't appear to be located anywhere near the DC metro area, meaning that I wouldn't even know which authorities to contact. As such, there is not really anything I can do that would be effective. DCUM posters are good about offering support to suicidal individuals and providing references to the suicide hot line. That was the case in this thread. One somewhat unique aspect of this thread is that many posters reported that such feelings in the type of situation the original poster described are normal. Other posters strongly disputed this notion. Another issue of dispute in this thread which, frankly, was unnecessarily distracting, was whether the original poster was "situationally suicidal" — meaning it could be relieved by correcting the situation. Some posters argued that this was a situational case and could be addressed by her husband coming home or getting other types of support. Opponents of this suggestion argued that the original poster was suffering a mental health crisis which should be addressed by therapy and possibly medication. Moreover, a situational response such as having her husband return early from his trip would not resolve the underlying issues and is not a practical solution. Intermixed between these two debates were suggestions for less dramatic ways the original poster could improve her mood such as listening to music or letting her kids watch TV while she took a break from them.

The most active thread yesterday was titled, "Twitch dead by apparent suicide: This is HEARTBREAKING!" and posted in the "Entertainment and Pop Culture" forum. The thread is about the death by suicide of Stephen "tWitch" Boss, a dancer, actor, and television personality. I had never heard of tWitch until I saw this thread but learned that he was popular due to his appearances on "The Ellen Show" and "So You Think You Can Dance", two shows I have not watched. I was surprised by the rush of posts expressing sadness and I don't think I've ever seen such an outpouring of grief due to a celebrity death previously on DCUM. It was strange seeing so many who had obviously been touched by this individual, but not being able to relate. Among the posts expressing surprise and sadness, were many discussing the dangers of depression. Mental health is something which our society struggles to address. While not as bad as it once was, many don't seek help due to fear of stigmatization and, for those who do want help, it is often hard to find or unavailable. Differing views of mental health were demonstrated in the thread when one poster asked why tWitch couldn't have stayed strong for his children and another poster asked if this would be said about someone who died from cancer or a heart attack. It is clear from the thread that many consider this to be a tragic loss and I am sorry not to have learned about tWitch earlier.

Yesterday's most active thread was titled, "is DH being an unreasonable brat, or am i stressed and being too sensitve?" and posted in the "Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)" forum. The original poster has planned a celebration to recognize her husband's achievement of a personal and career milestone. Her husband has helped with one aspect of the planning, but has told her that he expects to be treated as the guest of honor rather than a co-host of the event. Therefore, he asked the original poster to plan for handling their kids and other logistics. It appears that he expects to be free from responsibilities not only during the party, but the entire weekend. This has tremendously upset the original poster who has come to DCUM to vent. All of the initial responses sided with the original poster and criticized her husband. There were some suggestions of having guests or family pitch in to help with childcare, or hiring someone to help. However, the original poster's husband has also questioned the need to pay for assistance. This caused many responders to suggest an ultimatum for the husband. Either he should help or be willing to hire people to help. Some posters took the opposite view and expressed sympathy for the husband's position, saying that his expectations were understandable. Beyond the husband's desire to be relieved of responsibilities, many questioned his entire attitude and the scale of the event. Some posters claim that the celebration is more involved than their weddings. The original posters resolutely refused to disclose the achievement that is being celebrated. This caused a few posters to suggest that the significance of the event was such that the original poster would look bad by revealing it. Others made guesses about what it was and then posters debated whether those suggestions merited such a celebration. For a few posters, this was just another battle in the gender wars in which men are portrayed as immature narcissists who demand to be babied, while women are expected to take responsibility for everything. This view is unlikely to go down well with DCUM's incel batalion if they ever stumble across the thread,

Yesterday's most active thread seems perfectly designed to drive me insane. Hence, it is a good thing that I did not become aware of it until just now because the irritation it has provoked has not yet blossomed to full on rage. The thread, which is posted in the "Jobs and Careers" forum, seems innocent enough at first glance. Titled "Disappointed in junior staff". the original poster explains that her staff works from home most days but recently there have been two non-mandatory social events organized by her boss for which staff was requested to come to the office. Two junior staff members failed to attend either event and a third junior staffer also missed one. The original poster's boss was upset and mentioned noticing who missed the events and the original poster asks whether this should be brought up during year end reviews. It seems obvious to me that missing non-mandatory events does not rise to review material but the original poster would be doing her junior staffers a favor by informally letting them know how their office politics appears to work and that facetime at social events would benefit them professionally. Obvious as the answer may seem to me, the thread is currently at 9 pages. The reason the thread has reached that length is because posters have brought up every issue that is likely to drive me crazy. The second response says that Millennials lack work ethics. This is all of my pet peeves about generational labels wrapped up in one. First, not all Millennials, or members of any other generation for that matter, are the same. Second, while nobody can really agree on when generations begin and end, junior staffers these days are just as likely to be Gen-Z as they are Millennials. I guess when you've been using the same derogatory for a decade, it becomes a habit that is hard to break. Then, as if we have not discussed Covid enough, that became part of the discussion as a reason to avoid group events. Several posts diverge to debate the current threat presented by the virus. Intermixed in the generational bashing and Covid analysis are a bunch of posters explaining why they would also have skipped the social events. A word of advice from a grumpy old guy who hasn't worked in an office in years. If you have a chance to get free food and drink and butter up your bosses, take it.