Aupair wants to buy own car after totaling my car (car wreck was off duty)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, this is my concern. She even tried to find a loophole about the rule i had about letting her boyfriend sleep over. He was still in her room when she started work one day and I had to put my foot down and tell her he can be here when she's not working, but not when she's supposed to be taking care of the kids and I'm at work. I will honestly probably just give up on the program if things don't work out with her.

Anonymous wrote:You have to assume she US finding loopholes for other things rematch.

If you made it clear no overnight guests, the rule applies. You give her a warning and if it continues to happen, you rematch. Stop being her friend or parent. She's an adult.

i permit overnight guests, i just don't want her boyfriend in my home while she's supposed to be working.

And she pushed. I would push back. No more overnight guests the night before she works, and she needs to be home no later than 7 hours before her shift, so that she can sleep.

Psycho advice. Call her mother? FFS. She's an ADULT WOMAN not your handmaiden.

The adult woman can then pay her own rent, food, utilities, internet.

[Anonymous]

You sound so nice and she sounds like a piece of work finding a million loop holes! Unlimited Uber, bf spend the night? More money to extend plus to drop the car issue? It sounds like she's taking advantage of you.

Also, maybe she's making money on the car, people here have posted their au pairs working for Uber eats, door dash, Lyft, prime shopping etc. Maybe that's why she doesn't want you to know what she's doing, where she's going? Just a thought. Because if it was purely related to just going "getting somewhere" then a free personal driving service sounds amazing!!!! I would look into that!!! Sounds shady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, this is my concern. She even tried to find a loophole about the rule i had about letting her boyfriend sleep over. He was still in her room when she started work one day and I had to put my foot down and tell her he can be here when she's not working, but not when she's supposed to be taking care of the kids and I'm at work. I will honestly probably just give up on the program if things don't work out with her.

Anonymous wrote:You have to assume she US finding loopholes for other things rematch.

If you made it clear no overnight guests, the rule applies. You give her a warning and if it continues to happen, you rematch. Stop being her friend or parent. She's an adult.

i permit overnight guests, i just don't want her boyfriend in my home while she's supposed to be working.

And she pushed. I would push back. No more overnight guests the night before she works, and she needs to be home no later than 7 hours before her shift, so that she can sleep.

Psycho advice. Call her mother? FFS. She's an ADULT WOMAN not your handmaiden.

The adult woman can then pay her own rent, food, utilities, internet.

You need help. APs are not allowed to work outside their cultural exchange program. OP wants her to take public transportation or ubers. AP wants to buy a car and has the funds to buy a car and wants the car for personal use. OP is unwilling to provide a car for reasons unreasonable or unclear. OP could say no boyfriend in the house - and could have said that in the beginning. The fact that she didn't has nothing to do with the transportation issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound so nice and she sounds like a piece of work finding a million loop holes! Unlimited Uber, bf spend the night? More money to extend plus to drop the car issue? It sounds like she's taking advantage of you.

Also, maybe she's making money on the car, people here have posted their au pairs working for Uber eats, door dash, Lyft, prime shopping etc. Maybe that's why she doesn't want you to know what she's doing, where she's going? Just a thought. Because if it was purely related to just going "getting somewhere" then a free personal driving service sounds amazing!!!! I would look into that!!! Sounds shady.

This is totally what she wants to do. And it's because she sees other au pairs doing it and making tons of money because they aren't paying for the car. I had to put it in writing in my handbook that they are not allowed to do this with my car, after my first au pair tried to sign up to drive for Uber (with no US license). The agencies won't do a thing about it, and will blame the host family for it, like they do with everything else. But they'll also blame you if you don't give the au pair access to a car. You can't win, which is why I left the program.

[Anonymous]

It's actually illegal for them to work outside of their normal hours. I know my LCC would not have stood for it, it's a visa violation and they get sent right back home!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an aupair who is great with my 2 girls, but she got into a car wreck with my car while she was driving back from her boyfriend's house, and the car was completely destroyed. We didn't replace our second car after the wreck because we only need 1 car. Now she wants to buy her own car since we won't let her drive anymore, even though i gave her access to Uber family profile and have been paying fir all her ubers to friends houses and the gym for past 3 months (wreck happened 3 months ago). I have no limits on her uber use. We don't need her to drive for work.

We never asked her to drive on duty, she was using the car on her off time only. She has never driven the kids. Even though the wreck wasn't her fault, I felt she took an unnecessary risk because her boyfriend lives an hour away and had offered to drive her back. We have no curfew. Additionally, she was driving the car every day before the wreck, and she is not a good driver, I was shocked when she got her US drivers license.

She is insisting that she wants to buy her own car to drive for personal use now, but I worry she will get into another wreck because she makes poor driving decisions. Like she would decide to drive an hour away late at night when she used to have car privileges and she drove that car everyday after work and wouldn't tell us where.

As a compromise, if she wants her privacy, I'm thinking of offering her an Uber stipend for her to be able to go wherever she wants without me knowing where it is, but I don't think she will accept this. I think she really wants to drive, but she just doesn't have the driving skill level to do it safely and im not comfortable for feeling responsible for another wreck, since I already feel like the previous accident was my fault since I let such a terrible driver drive when she had other options. If she insists on driving too much, I'm considering a rematch because it is putting a real strain on our relationship.

Am I being overly harsh here? Any recommendations on how I can get her to stay without driving? I thought offering unlimited uber rides would have been generous enough, but she is still insisting on buying her own car. She is not deterred by cost and offering more money doesn't seem to have helped (i pay far more than minimum stipend).

Hoping others here have more insight...

I would be super happy if our aupair bought her own car, insured it and we didn't have to worry about it. I would make sure she drove the family insured car when she drives your kids around unless you are comfortable with her insuring your children under her policy.

As for the boyfriend and the rest of the drama, well, it's about what you want in hosting an aupair. Don't want to deal wtih boyfriends and the drama she's bringing into your home? Rematch. There are tons of aupairs out there who date and go out, but don't bring their boyfriends home for 1 -3 nights a week.

We rematched because our au pair was with her boyfriend a lot and he lived a long way away. It was disruptive to our house and another complicated schedule to work around. We are much happier with our new aupair who hangs out with friends, dates but isn't fitting us in as a host family around her 'other' in-laws. It felt weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, this is my concern. She even tried to find a loophole about the rule i had about letting her boyfriend sleep over. He was still in her room when she started work one day and I had to put my foot down and tell her he can be here when she's not working, but not when she's supposed to be taking care of the kids and I'm at work. I will honestly probably just give up on the program if things don't work out with her.

Anonymous wrote:You have to assume she US finding loopholes for other things rematch.

If you made it clear no overnight guests, the rule applies. You give her a warning and if it continues to happen, you rematch. Stop being her friend or parent. She's an adult.

i permit overnight guests, i just don't want her boyfriend in my home while she's supposed to be working.

And she pushed. I would push back. No more overnight guests the night before she works, and she needs to be home no later than 7 hours before her shift, so that she can sleep.

Psycho advice. Call her mother? FFS. She's an ADULT WOMAN not your handmaiden.

The adult woman can then pay her own rent, food, utilities, internet.

You need help. APs are not allowed to work outside their cultural exchange program. OP wants her to take public transportation or ubers. AP wants to buy a car and has the funds to buy a car and wants the car for personal use. OP is unwilling to provide a car for reasons unreasonable or unclear. OP could say no boyfriend in the house - and could have said that in the beginning. The fact that she didn't has nothing to do with the transportation issue.

Then don't be an au pair. Or ask to rematch (visa rules don't restrict APs from asking to rematch). Tough world, get used to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, this is my concern. She even tried to find a loophole about the rule i had about letting her boyfriend sleep over. He was still in her room when she started work one day and I had to put my foot down and tell her he can be here when she's not working, but not when she's supposed to be taking care of the kids and I'm at work. I will honestly probably just give up on the program if things don't work out with her.

Anonymous wrote:You have to assume she US finding loopholes for other things rematch.

If you made it clear no overnight guests, the rule applies. You give her a warning and if it continues to happen, you rematch. Stop being her friend or parent. She's an adult.

i permit overnight guests, i just don't want her boyfriend in my home while she's supposed to be working.

And she pushed. I would push back. No more overnight guests the night before she works, and she needs to be home no later than 7 hours before her shift, so that she can sleep.

Psycho advice. Call her mother? FFS. She's an ADULT WOMAN not your handmaiden.

The adult woman can then pay her own rent, food, utilities, internet.

You need help. APs are not allowed to work outside their cultural exchange program. OP wants her to take public transportation or ubers. AP wants to buy a car and has the funds to buy a car and wants the car for personal use. OP is unwilling to provide a car for reasons unreasonable or unclear. OP could say no boyfriend in the house - and could have said that in the beginning. The fact that she didn't has nothing to do with the transportation issue.

Then don't be an au pair. Or ask to rematch (visa rules don't restrict APs from asking to rematch). Tough world, get used to it.

Ha! Not an au pair - just a HF that doesn’t try to treat an AP as an indentured servant (or worse).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, this is my concern. She even tried to find a loophole about the rule i had about letting her boyfriend sleep over. He was still in her room when she started work one day and I had to put my foot down and tell her he can be here when she's not working, but not when she's supposed to be taking care of the kids and I'm at work. I will honestly probably just give up on the program if things don't work out with her.

Anonymous wrote:You have to assume she US finding loopholes for other things rematch.

If you made it clear no overnight guests, the rule applies. You give her a warning and if it continues to happen, you rematch. Stop being her friend or parent. She's an adult.

i permit overnight guests, i just don't want her boyfriend in my home while she's supposed to be working.

And she pushed. I would push back. No more overnight guests the night before she works, and she needs to be home no later than 7 hours before her shift, so that she can sleep.

Psycho advice. Call her mother? FFS. She's an ADULT WOMAN not your handmaiden.

The adult woman can then pay her own rent, food, utilities, internet.

You need help. APs are not allowed to work outside their cultural exchange program. OP wants her to take public transportation or ubers. AP wants to buy a car and has the funds to buy a car and wants the car for personal use. OP is unwilling to provide a car for reasons unreasonable or unclear. OP could say no boyfriend in the house - and could have said that in the beginning. The fact that she didn't has nothing to do with the transportation issue.

Then don't be an au pair. Or ask to rematch (visa rules don't restrict APs from asking to rematch). Tough world, get used to it.

Ha! Not an au pair - just a HF that doesn’t try to treat an AP as an indentured servant (or worse).

Au pairs don't have to become au pairs. OP is beyond generous. Au pair can rematch if she doesn't like it. It's that simple

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, this is my concern. She even tried to find a loophole about the rule i had about letting her boyfriend sleep over. He was still in her room when she started work one day and I had to put my foot down and tell her he can be here when she's not working, but not when she's supposed to be taking care of the kids and I'm at work. I will honestly probably just give up on the program if things don't work out with her.

Anonymous wrote:You have to assume she US finding loopholes for other things rematch.

If you made it clear no overnight guests, the rule applies. You give her a warning and if it continues to happen, you rematch. Stop being her friend or parent. She's an adult.

i permit overnight guests, i just don't want her boyfriend in my home while she's supposed to be working.

And she pushed. I would push back. No more overnight guests the night before she works, and she needs to be home no later than 7 hours before her shift, so that she can sleep.

Psycho advice. Call her mother? FFS. She's an ADULT WOMAN not your handmaiden.

The adult woman can then pay her own rent, food, utilities, internet.

You need help. APs are not allowed to work outside their cultural exchange program. OP wants her to take public transportation or ubers. AP wants to buy a car and has the funds to buy a car and wants the car for personal use. OP is unwilling to provide a car for reasons unreasonable or unclear. OP could say no boyfriend in the house - and could have said that in the beginning. The fact that she didn't has nothing to do with the transportation issue.

Then don't be an au pair. Or ask to rematch (visa rules don't restrict APs from asking to rematch). Tough world, get used to it.

Ha! Not an au pair - just a HF that doesn’t try to treat an AP as an indentured servant (or worse).

Au pairs don't have to become au pairs. OP is beyond generous. Au pair can rematch if she doesn't like it. It's that simple

Do you think you have the right to prevent an AP from spending money that she has earned and saved on shopping for clothes? travel? If not, what your ego thinks that you have the ability to stop her from obtaining a license, renting a car or, as here, owning a car? That's some serious lack of boundaries. You shouldn't have an AP at all. It's that simple.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she’s a shit driver dnd it will eat into her work time once she wrecks the car dnd is conveniently stuck at bfs home

[Anonymous]

This is what I would say to her, if I wanted her to continue as my au pair:

"Larla, you are an adult and its up to you how you spend your money. I want to make sure you understand all the expenses associated with car ownership like insurance, maintenance, repairs etc. Also, just in case its relevant, please know that your visa rules don't permit you to to earn income outside the program and if you do something like Uber, the Uber company will report your income to the IRS, so the government might ask questions.

Also, due to changing circumstances with our family, I need to adapt the rules regarding your boy friend. He can spend the night only on weekends/when you aren't working the next day.

We value you as a great AP to our kids, so I hope we can work these issues out."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I would say to her, if I wanted her to continue as my au pair:

"Larla, you are an adult and its up to you how you spend your money. I want to make sure you understand all the expenses associated with car ownership like insurance, maintenance, repairs etc. Also, just in case its relevant, please know that your visa rules don't permit you to to earn income outside the program and if you do something like Uber, the Uber company will report your income to the IRS, so the government might ask questions.

Also, due to changing circumstances with our family, I need to adapt the rules regarding your boy friend. He can spend the night only on weekends/when you aren't working the next day.

We value you as a great AP to our kids, so I hope we can work these issues out."

This is an appropriate boundary-respecting response.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for the different perspectives! I talked to her, explained I'm not comfortable with her buying her own car because she would only be able to afford an unsafe car that would kill her if she was in a wreck, and agreed to buy a second car for her to drive soon. I told her she was free to rematch if having a car immediately was important to her and she said staying with our family is more important than a car. Things are much better after we had a very honest conversation
-OP

[Anonymous]

I feel like this was a troll post.