Aupair wants to buy own car after totaling my car (car wreck was off duty)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live? When I was an au pair many moons ago the families in the suburbs were required to provide a car for off time use. If you are not in a walkable area then I think you should get another car. Unless you told her not to drive to the boyfriends house then she did nothing wrong. You already said accident wasn’t her fault.

There is no requirement to provide a car during off duty time, regardless of location. I also am providing unlimited uber, which is the same thing so she can get around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live? When I was an au pair many moons ago the families in the suburbs were required to provide a car for off time use. If you are not in a walkable area then I think you should get another car. Unless you told her not to drive to the boyfriends house then she did nothing wrong. You already said accident wasn’t her fault.

There is no requirement to provide a car during off duty time, regardless of location. I also am providing unlimited uber, which is the same thing so she can get around.

Also, I know wreck wasn't her fault but she showed poor judgment in driving so far and so late at night when her driving skills can't handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is absurd. She gets a stipend and can use her stipend to pay for uber's or her boyfriend can pick her up. Personal transportation outside basics (i.e. errands) is her responsibility. If she wants to buy a car and pay for insurance, that's her choice and right as an adult. Tell her fine, but she has to pay for the car, gas, insurance and repairs and explain to her how much it will cost. She is an adult. Stop treating her like your child.

i know she is not a child, but she is my employee who also lives with me, so I am also her landlord. As a landlord and employer, I do not want to permit her to have a car.

Right, but what you are saying is pretty crazy. No landlord or employee can control their tenant's freedom of movement (or body). Seek help.

[Anonymous]

Did her driving skillet have anything to do with the wreck. Sounds like wrong place wrong time and could happen anywhere.

Tell her to call the insurance agent when she finds a car she likes because new drivers pay a lit for insurance. Make sure she's aware there is zero expenditure on your part for anything car related although you might get her AAA.

Push the driving lessons because you're doing a societal good with that.

Or just get rid of her. The boyfriend in your house shows a lack of boundaries and immaturity. Would she be allowed to do that back home? Doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is absurd. She gets a stipend and can use her stipend to pay for uber's or her boyfriend can pick her up. Personal transportation outside basics (i.e. errands) is her responsibility. If she wants to buy a car and pay for insurance, that's her choice and right as an adult. Tell her fine, but she has to pay for the car, gas, insurance and repairs and explain to her how much it will cost. She is an adult. Stop treating her like your child.

i know she is not a child, but she is my employee who also lives with me, so I am also her landlord. As a landlord and employer, I do not want to permit her to have a car.

Right, but what you are saying is pretty crazy. No landlord or employee can control their tenant's freedom of movement (or body). Seek help.

I'm not controlling her freedom of movement at all. She can take as many ubers as she wants.

[Anonymous]

How would she buy a car? Does she have the money to buy one outright? I’m not sure she would get a car loan when she’s not a citizen or permanent resident? I think you should provide a car personally. I’d hate to have to call an Uber everytime I wanted to go out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is absurd. She gets a stipend and can use her stipend to pay for uber's or her boyfriend can pick her up. Personal transportation outside basics (i.e. errands) is her responsibility. If she wants to buy a car and pay for insurance, that's her choice and right as an adult. Tell her fine, but she has to pay for the car, gas, insurance and repairs and explain to her how much it will cost. She is an adult. Stop treating her like your child.

i know she is not a child, but she is my employee who also lives with me, so I am also her landlord. As a landlord and employer, I do not want to permit her to have a car.

Right, but what you are saying is pretty crazy. No landlord or employee can control their tenant's freedom of movement (or body). Seek help.

I'm not controlling her freedom of movement at all. She can take as many ubers as she wants.

Ummm. You absolutely are. If she wants to use her stipend to buy a car and insure a car (one suspects with her boyfriend's assistance), she absolutely has that right. She also is legally living in your house - so she would be required to list that her documents - particularly if her license has your address. She is legally required to have a local license if she has lived there more than 30 days in most states. She might not want the covid risk of Uber. She might not want to deal with your passive aggressive behavior re: her use of uber. She is an adult. Even if you view her as an object or indentured servant of sorts. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

I guess you are not concerned about covid, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for this suggestion! Another problem is she thinks she is a great driver because she has never gotten any speeding tickets. I think she would take offense to the driving lessons suggestion. I have told her before I don't want her to be killed in a wreck but she sneers and says its her life decisions to make, and that I have no business interfering in her personal decisions. I will try to think of a more tactful way to approach the driving lessons suggestion, thank you...

Anonymous wrote:Can you reach out to a local driving school and get her lessons, for your peace of mind? Let her know that you’re paying for it, Bhutto you really want her to do it before getting a car, because you don’t want to have to call and tell her parents she died in an accident, nor do you want her to feel awful if she kills someone. If you lay out the extreme possibilities, maybe that will get through to her?

In that case, I would reach out to her mom as well and make sure mom is onboard. Then explain to her, with mom on a video call, that no tickets isn't the same as being a good driver. She can't use your address or have her vehicle at your house unless she's willing to have a driving instructor sign off on her getting her own vehicle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, this is my concern. She even tried to find a loophole about the rule i had about letting her boyfriend sleep over. He was still in her room when she started work one day and I had to put my foot down and tell her he can be here when she's not working, but not when she's supposed to be taking care of the kids and I'm at work. I will honestly probably just give up on the program if things don't work out with her.

Anonymous wrote:You have to assume she US finding loopholes for other things rematch.

If you made it clear no overnight guests, the rule applies. You give her a warning and if it continues to happen, you rematch. Stop being her friend or parent. She's an adult.

i permit overnight guests, i just don't want her boyfriend in my home while she's supposed to be working.

And she pushed. I would push back. No more overnight guests the night before she works, and she needs to be home no later than 7 hours before her shift, so that she can sleep.

[Anonymous]

AP/HF relationship is broken - she is going to stay in the US and wants the car to be in place before she 1) goes off the grid immigration-wise or 2) moves in with her BF and leaves you in the lurch. That said, you seems a little overboard in your focus on the car. The worse thing is how she is being rude/disrespectful to your face!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is absurd. She gets a stipend and can use her stipend to pay for uber's or her boyfriend can pick her up. Personal transportation outside basics (i.e. errands) is her responsibility. If she wants to buy a car and pay for insurance, that's her choice and right as an adult. Tell her fine, but she has to pay for the car, gas, insurance and repairs and explain to her how much it will cost. She is an adult. Stop treating her like your child.

i know she is not a child, but she is my employee who also lives with me, so I am also her landlord. As a landlord and employer, I do not want to permit her to have a car.

Right, but what you are saying is pretty crazy. No landlord or employee can control their tenant's freedom of movement (or body). Seek help.

She's providing unlimited uber, and she's willing to provide it in such a way that she won't see where the AP goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would she buy a car? Does she have the money to buy one outright? I’m not sure she would get a car loan when she’s not a citizen or permanent resident? I think you should provide a car personally. I’d hate to have to call an Uber everytime I wanted to go out.

Live-in Nanny here. Many families don't want someone else's car on their property and/or don't have space. She has unlimited uber, and with the ability to schedule ahead? It shouldn't be an issue...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would she buy a car? Does she have the money to buy one outright? I’m not sure she would get a car loan when she’s not a citizen or permanent resident? I think you should provide a car personally. I’d hate to have to call an Uber everytime I wanted to go out.

Live-in Nanny here. Many families don't want someone else's car on their property and/or don't have space. She has unlimited uber, and with the ability to schedule ahead? It shouldn't be an issue...

Having your own personal car allows you to go on road trips, allows you to go pick up friends and drop them off, it allows you to change your mind a 100 times and do a 100 things in short periods of time without feeling self-conscious someone is paying for all of this.

In most places you don’t need to park on a driveway and the AP could easily park on a side street.

I think the UBER offer is extremely generous and more than most families but if I can pick between my own car and unlimited UBER I am picking my own car (I also like driving and not having to wait on someone, in the cold or rain when I want to go somewhere) and not having to do small conversations with strangers all the time (though I do enjoy them at times).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, this is my concern. She even tried to find a loophole about the rule i had about letting her boyfriend sleep over. He was still in her room when she started work one day and I had to put my foot down and tell her he can be here when she's not working, but not when she's supposed to be taking care of the kids and I'm at work. I will honestly probably just give up on the program if things don't work out with her.

Anonymous wrote:You have to assume she US finding loopholes for other things rematch.

If you made it clear no overnight guests, the rule applies. You give her a warning and if it continues to happen, you rematch. Stop being her friend or parent. She's an adult.

i permit overnight guests, i just don't want her boyfriend in my home while she's supposed to be working.

And she pushed. I would push back. No more overnight guests the night before she works, and she needs to be home no later than 7 hours before her shift, so that she can sleep.

Psycho advice. Call her mother? FFS. She's an ADULT WOMAN not your handmaiden.