My sister’s AP..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can do that, in that you can set boundaries over whom you’d like in your home. But I think you fundamentally misunderstand the au pair program. She is supposed to be part of the family and her childcare hours are strictly capped at 45 per week. When she isn’t on duty, she isn’t providing childcare. This isn’t negotiable, it’s a program run through the State Department. Au pairs are often invited to join their family on trips and outings, and while they often do provide help in that they are another adult in the room, they aren’t in charge of the kids unless that’s part of their 45 hours. So yes - taking photos, texting - all ok. She is not a domestic servant with blurry responsibilities, and she’s not a live in nanny.
If you don’t like her you don’t have to host her, same as anyone. But if you think she is somehow a leech because she’s not jumping to watch the kids more for her $195 per week stipend, your derision is misplaced.

I don’t care about the details of the AP program. Any 18yo that’s a guest in my home is going to be expected to contribute, this kid is just rude and was raised without any manners. Even when she is on the clock my sister is running around like a dummy while the AP sits around

And your sister allows this? I see the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was a guest and not working. She is right.

This. Your sister didn't handle this well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Cultural exchange means that you learn about the manners and customs of the country you are visiting.

Hosting means be able to share your customs and to teach about the local manners and expectations.

Would you be upset if you showed up in Japan and a host's family member was immediately annoyed that you didn't know what was considered 'good manners' there? Do you know every custom and expectation about a meal in a foreign country?

This AP was set up to look like a horrible, lazy teenager. Your sister didn't make it clear whether she was working or not.
You didn't make it clear whether she was even INVITED or not.
This AP may not have known that she wasn't considered a guest and able to eat first because that may be the custom in her country and with her family.

Just because you were shy or would have not been as confident to grab a plate doesn't mean that this young person isn't. She may be doing what is 100% acceptable in her country. Did anyone tell her otherwise? You just expect her to act like she understands american family customs as if they are universal to the world?

Your sister is upset that you can't just cut this girl a break. She isn't 'the help'. She's an AP. She's a family member who provides childcare as part of her exchange to live as a family member for a year.

Your problem is not with this AP. Your problem is with your sister. This AP was set up to fail.

Kids get set up to eat first everywhere, it’s just common sense. Also if you’re not sure best to ask or wait for a cue vs serving your own needs.

100% false. Kids are not 'set up' to eat first universally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Cultural exchange means that you learn about the manners and customs of the country you are visiting.

Hosting means be able to share your customs and to teach about the local manners and expectations.

Would you be upset if you showed up in Japan and a host's family member was immediately annoyed that you didn't know what was considered 'good manners' there? Do you know every custom and expectation about a meal in a foreign country?

This AP was set up to look like a horrible, lazy teenager. Your sister didn't make it clear whether she was working or not.
You didn't make it clear whether she was even INVITED or not.
This AP may not have known that she wasn't considered a guest and able to eat first because that may be the custom in her country and with her family.

Just because you were shy or would have not been as confident to grab a plate doesn't mean that this young person isn't. She may be doing what is 100% acceptable in her country. Did anyone tell her otherwise? You just expect her to act like she understands american family customs as if they are universal to the world?

Your sister is upset that you can't just cut this girl a break. She isn't 'the help'. She's an AP. She's a family member who provides childcare as part of her exchange to live as a family member for a year.

Your problem is not with this AP. Your problem is with your sister. This AP was set up to fail.

Kids get set up to eat first everywhere, it’s just common sense. Also if you’re not sure best to ask or wait for a cue vs serving your own needs.

100% false. Kids are not 'set up' to eat first universally.

Unless they’re infants/very young toddlers, insisting on “kids always eat first” creates spoiled kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank your lucky stars you have a nanny that you've hired with a mutually agreed upon set of expectations. Sounds like your sister is still figuring out how to balance the role of hosting and not imposing on others to host her AP for her. AP is a relatively new arrival, and to spend her first Christmas away from her family and her traditions must have been tough for her, and your sister probably couldn't leave her home alone. She could've asked her to work, but maybe your sister decided it could count towards AP's vacation time?
I had a tough time hosting AP's, and I had my fair share of immature ones, but this incident is a communication issue between you and your sister, not the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Cultural exchange means that you learn about the manners and customs of the country you are visiting.

Hosting means be able to share your customs and to teach about the local manners and expectations.

Would you be upset if you showed up in Japan and a host's family member was immediately annoyed that you didn't know what was considered 'good manners' there? Do you know every custom and expectation about a meal in a foreign country?

This AP was set up to look like a horrible, lazy teenager. Your sister didn't make it clear whether she was working or not.
You didn't make it clear whether she was even INVITED or not.
This AP may not have known that she wasn't considered a guest and able to eat first because that may be the custom in her country and with her family.

Just because you were shy or would have not been as confident to grab a plate doesn't mean that this young person isn't. She may be doing what is 100% acceptable in her country. Did anyone tell her otherwise? You just expect her to act like she understands american family customs as if they are universal to the world?

Your sister is upset that you can't just cut this girl a break. She isn't 'the help'. She's an AP. She's a family member who provides childcare as part of her exchange to live as a family member for a year.

Your problem is not with this AP. Your problem is with your sister. This AP was set up to fail.

Kids get set up to eat first everywhere, it’s just common sense. Also if you’re not sure best to ask or wait for a cue vs serving your own needs.

In your experience, but that’s a thimbleful compared to the number of cultures around the world.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue with the OP is that it blurs lines between OP just fundamentally misunderstanding the program and things that are actually problems.

For instance, telling the AP to go find her nephews and have them wash their hands and thinking it's a problem if she can't find them and returns... on her off time, in a house she's never been in before... is totally unreasonable. She's off. You're not her boss. Would you say the same thing to another guest in your home?

Being annoyed that the AP is not watching kids at a ballgame when she's off? Unreasonable. The lines when you're an AP are very blurry since you're always around and I actually think it's completely fine for them to draw lines and not constantly babysit for free at "family events" they're invited to as a participant.

Should your sister have brought a guest without telling you? No. But it sounds like you knew she was coming, because otherwise why *wouldn't* you have expected the nanny (or your sister) to watch your nephews? It sounds like you *assumed* she was working, but you were wrong not her. If your sister didn't describe the situation accurately, that's her fault.

Obviously an AP shouldn't be rude, but serving kids first is totally a cultural thing and maybe not one shared with her culture? I don't actually see anything else that you describe as being "rude."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue with the OP is that it blurs lines between OP just fundamentally misunderstanding the program and things that are actually problems.

For instance, telling the AP to go find her nephews and have them wash their hands and thinking it's a problem if she can't find them and returns... on her off time, in a house she's never been in before... is totally unreasonable. She's off. You're not her boss. Would you say the same thing to another guest in your home?

Being annoyed that the AP is not watching kids at a ballgame when she's off? Unreasonable. The lines when you're an AP are very blurry since you're always around and I actually think it's completely fine for them to draw lines and not constantly babysit for free at "family events" they're invited to as a participant.

Should your sister have brought a guest without telling you? No. But it sounds like you knew she was coming, because otherwise why *wouldn't* you have expected the nanny (or your sister) to watch your nephews? It sounds like you *assumed* she was working, but you were wrong not her. If your sister didn't describe the situation accurately, that's her fault.

Obviously an AP shouldn't be rude, but serving kids first is totally a cultural thing and maybe not one shared with her culture? I don't actually see anything else that you describe as being "rude."

"Rude" maybe is too strong for this situation. However, the inconsideration of this AP is generally "annoying". For example, sitting in a conversation that is not related to her (siblings with spouses who are all much older than her) for 2 hours. This really ruins the time that OP expected to spend with her own family. Did AP do completely wrong? I guess not because of the "treat them like family" thing. But AP really should know better on the differences between "family" and "like a family". Sit and eat first as a guest in someone else's house is not considering either. All those little things add up and bring the tension to the next level.

From my own experience with my APs, a lot of times they can't place themselves at the right spot in different situations. Or you can say that they need better EQ. Knowing your position is always important regardless what you do. It is just a common sense but I guess it comes with age. APs are generally immature girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue with the OP is that it blurs lines between OP just fundamentally misunderstanding the program and things that are actually problems.

For instance, telling the AP to go find her nephews and have them wash their hands and thinking it's a problem if she can't find them and returns... on her off time, in a house she's never been in before... is totally unreasonable. She's off. You're not her boss. Would you say the same thing to another guest in your home?

Being annoyed that the AP is not watching kids at a ballgame when she's off? Unreasonable. The lines when you're an AP are very blurry since you're always around and I actually think it's completely fine for them to draw lines and not constantly babysit for free at "family events" they're invited to as a participant.

Should your sister have brought a guest without telling you? No. But it sounds like you knew she was coming, because otherwise why *wouldn't* you have expected the nanny (or your sister) to watch your nephews? It sounds like you *assumed* she was working, but you were wrong not her. If your sister didn't describe the situation accurately, that's her fault.

Obviously an AP shouldn't be rude, but serving kids first is totally a cultural thing and maybe not one shared with her culture? I don't actually see anything else that you describe as being "rude."

"Rude" maybe is too strong for this situation. However, the inconsideration of this AP is generally "annoying". For example, sitting in a conversation that is not related to her (siblings with spouses who are all much older than her) for 2 hours. This really ruins the time that OP expected to spend with her own family. Did AP do completely wrong? I guess not because of the "treat them like family" thing. But AP really should know better on the differences between "family" and "like a family". Sit and eat first as a guest in someone else's house is not considering either. All those little things add up and bring the tension to the next level.

From my own experience with my APs, a lot of times they can't place themselves at the right spot in different situations. Or you can say that they need better EQ. Knowing your position is always important regardless what you do. It is just a common sense but I guess it comes with age. APs are generally immature girls.

You say she should "know her position," but this is the whole problem with the au pair program. The program offers a "family experience," but most people are in the program because they really want a nanny but can't afford one, ie, they want an employee. The au pair is neither family nor employee. Where should she have sat while OP and her siblings were talking--by herself? Should she have also eaten in the kitchen, like the help?

OP and her family are the ones coming from a place of privilege here, and should have been more gracious to this teenage or early 20-something woman, who is young, in a strange country, and doesn't have a ton of autonomy here. They were rude and inhospitable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue with the OP is that it blurs lines between OP just fundamentally misunderstanding the program and things that are actually problems.

For instance, telling the AP to go find her nephews and have them wash their hands and thinking it's a problem if she can't find them and returns... on her off time, in a house she's never been in before... is totally unreasonable. She's off. You're not her boss. Would you say the same thing to another guest in your home?

Being annoyed that the AP is not watching kids at a ballgame when she's off? Unreasonable. The lines when you're an AP are very blurry since you're always around and I actually think it's completely fine for them to draw lines and not constantly babysit for free at "family events" they're invited to as a participant.

Should your sister have brought a guest without telling you? No. But it sounds like you knew she was coming, because otherwise why *wouldn't* you have expected the nanny (or your sister) to watch your nephews? It sounds like you *assumed* she was working, but you were wrong not her. If your sister didn't describe the situation accurately, that's her fault.

Obviously an AP shouldn't be rude, but serving kids first is totally a cultural thing and maybe not one shared with her culture? I don't actually see anything else that you describe as being "rude."

"Rude" maybe is too strong for this situation. However, the inconsideration of this AP is generally "annoying". For example, sitting in a conversation that is not related to her (siblings with spouses who are all much older than her) for 2 hours. This really ruins the time that OP expected to spend with her own family. Did AP do completely wrong? I guess not because of the "treat them like family" thing. But AP really should know better on the differences between "family" and "like a family". Sit and eat first as a guest in someone else's house is not considering either. All those little things add up and bring the tension to the next level.

From my own experience with my APs, a lot of times they can't place themselves at the right spot in different situations. Or you can say that they need better EQ. Knowing your position is always important regardless what you do. It is just a common sense but I guess it comes with age. APs are generally immature girls.

You say she should "know her position," but this is the whole problem with the au pair program. The program offers a "family experience," but most people are in the program because they really want a nanny but can't afford one, ie, they want an employee. The au pair is neither family nor employee. Where should she have sat while OP and her siblings were talking--by herself? Should she have also eaten in the kitchen, like the help?

OP and her family are the ones coming from a place of privilege here, and should have been more gracious to this teenage or early 20-something woman, who is young, in a strange country, and doesn't have a ton of autonomy here. They were rude and inhospitable.

Is this based on your personal experience? What were the au pair family's occupations? My family could definitely afford a nanny but we wanted an AP for the flexibility and cultural exchange. Of my friends and acquaintances who had/have APs, I obviously don't know the intricate details of their finances, but believe - based on their occupations, lifestyles, etc. - they could all easily afford a nanny but chose an AP for non-financial reasons.

My AP said that most of the APs in our area were with physician / executive families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your sister to schedule her aupair to work on the days they visit or add her to the guest count.

The issue sounds like she was invited to visit on her 'off hours' and you were thinking she was there as an 'on the clock' aupair.

If that wasn't being counted towards her 45 hours in the week of childcare, she was your guest and the fact you expected her to watch the kids and not get a plate when she was hungry was rude.

Sounds like the adults need to have more clear expectations about how to handle an international exchange visitor in their family for a year.

She's not a nanny.

It is also rude to grab the first plate as a guest especially an extended guest. APs chose this program and they should know that this is NOT their own home (even the host family's home is NOT her own home). So don't act like that. This is called MANNERS.

Really? I have never heard of it being "MANNERS" that the host serves themselves first. I've always heard guests first.

[Anonymous]

I understand your frustration, but I don't understand the hangup about kids eating first. They couldn't have been very hungry if they had to be tracked down--hungry kids would be underfoot whining for snacks. Plate the kid food if you must, but otherwise yell dinnertime and whoever's there can have at it.

[Anonymous]

why cant u youhelp your own nephews AUNTIE and KIDS you sound like a entitled princess

[Anonymous]

The problem is clearly the OP's clueless sister. The sister brought this AP. Guest of a guest.
OP basically had an uncouth teenager in her house that was under the sister's purview.
Given that the sister is clueless, it's not surprising that her AP is just as clueless about how to behave as a guest of a guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister hired her first AP who started in November. The AP is from a small farm town in Sweden and is 18yo. The first time we met her was in early December when my sister came to visit, she lives a few hours away so they stayed over for one night, my sister and BIL and their two kids. They had come for a family tradition where we have a nice dinner to get the holidays started. My sister and I are very close and my youngest is the same age as her oldest so our kids are growing up together.
In December they showed up with the two kids, the AP and a bunch of stuff. The AP walked into the house and walked around a bit, my sister told her to keep an eye on the kids. An hour later we were done unpacking, setting up the meal and planned for a glass of wine on the couch. The AP came and sat with the four of us, including me and DH, and just sat there awkwardly for a couple of hours. Meanwhile my nanny who was doing me a favor by working on the Saturday was watching my three kids and my two nephews.
We set dinner up buffet style and AP was the first to take a plate, sit and eat. I was really shocked and I said to her let’s get the kids to eat first, go find my nephews and get them to wash their hands. She came back a few minutes later and said she couldn’t find them, remember we’re all in the same house, and she just sat and ate…this went on for the two days with the AP acting like she was a guest at a hotel.
I asked my sister about it and she said the AP was still settling in and that actually it was her weekend off so she wasn’t supposed to be working. I told my sister next time just leave her at home as it’s annoying. Once they left my nanny was upset with me because I hadn’t told her to expect to have my nephews to take care of too. My nanny said that having the AP there just created more work for her.
We just spent the weekend with them and nothing has changed. We were out at a sporting event and the AP was taking lots of photos, checking her phone, and paying no attention to the kids. At meal times she didn’t help my nephews whatsoever. I asked my sister about it and she said she thought it would help to have the AP in case we wanted to go out for dinner. I told her I wouldn’t leave my sleeping kids with this AP and now my sister is upset.
I understand this is absolutely none of my business but can I just tell my sister that we don’t want this AP joining us anymore?

This is actually a requirement. The au pair must have time off and cannot work during her time off. They are paid less than monies than nannies and part of the compensation is to become a part of the family. What you described is actually what is supposed to happen. Likely, your sister should have told you more about the process.

Your sister might prefer a live in nanny. VERY DIFFERENT and more in line with what you appear to want for her.