My sister’s AP..

[Anonymous]

My sister hired her first AP who started in November. The AP is from a small farm town in Sweden and is 18yo. The first time we met her was in early December when my sister came to visit, she lives a few hours away so they stayed over for one night, my sister and BIL and their two kids. They had come for a family tradition where we have a nice dinner to get the holidays started. My sister and I are very close and my youngest is the same age as her oldest so our kids are growing up together.
In December they showed up with the two kids, the AP and a bunch of stuff. The AP walked into the house and walked around a bit, my sister told her to keep an eye on the kids. An hour later we were done unpacking, setting up the meal and planned for a glass of wine on the couch. The AP came and sat with the four of us, including me and DH, and just sat there awkwardly for a couple of hours. Meanwhile my nanny who was doing me a favor by working on the Saturday was watching my three kids and my two nephews.
We set dinner up buffet style and AP was the first to take a plate, sit and eat. I was really shocked and I said to her let’s get the kids to eat first, go find my nephews and get them to wash their hands. She came back a few minutes later and said she couldn’t find them, remember we’re all in the same house, and she just sat and ate…this went on for the two days with the AP acting like she was a guest at a hotel.
I asked my sister about it and she said the AP was still settling in and that actually it was her weekend off so she wasn’t supposed to be working. I told my sister next time just leave her at home as it’s annoying. Once they left my nanny was upset with me because I hadn’t told her to expect to have my nephews to take care of too. My nanny said that having the AP there just created more work for her.
We just spent the weekend with them and nothing has changed. We were out at a sporting event and the AP was taking lots of photos, checking her phone, and paying no attention to the kids. At meal times she didn’t help my nephews whatsoever. I asked my sister about it and she said she thought it would help to have the AP in case we wanted to go out for dinner. I told her I wouldn’t leave my sleeping kids with this AP and now my sister is upset.
I understand this is absolutely none of my business but can I just tell my sister that we don’t want this AP joining us anymore?

[Anonymous]

You can do that, in that you can set boundaries over whom you’d like in your home. But I think you fundamentally misunderstand the au pair program. She is supposed to be part of the family and her childcare hours are strictly capped at 45 per week. When she isn’t on duty, she isn’t providing childcare. This isn’t negotiable, it’s a program run through the State Department. Au pairs are often invited to join their family on trips and outings, and while they often do provide help in that they are another adult in the room, they aren’t in charge of the kids unless that’s part of their 45 hours. So yes - taking photos, texting - all ok. She is not a domestic servant with blurry responsibilities, and she’s not a live in nanny.
If you don’t like her you don’t have to host her, same as anyone. But if you think she is somehow a leech because she’s not jumping to watch the kids more for her $195 per week stipend, your derision is misplaced.

[Anonymous]

Also your nanny was doing you a “favor” but you still paid her, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also your nanny was doing you a “favor” but you still paid her, right?

Yes of course she’s salaried and gets OT but I would never expect her to watch any other kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can do that, in that you can set boundaries over whom you’d like in your home. But I think you fundamentally misunderstand the au pair program. She is supposed to be part of the family and her childcare hours are strictly capped at 45 per week. When she isn’t on duty, she isn’t providing childcare. This isn’t negotiable, it’s a program run through the State Department. Au pairs are often invited to join their family on trips and outings, and while they often do provide help in that they are another adult in the room, they aren’t in charge of the kids unless that’s part of their 45 hours. So yes - taking photos, texting - all ok. She is not a domestic servant with blurry responsibilities, and she’s not a live in nanny.
If you don’t like her you don’t have to host her, same as anyone. But if you think she is somehow a leech because she’s not jumping to watch the kids more for her $195 per week stipend, your derision is misplaced.

I don’t care about the details of the AP program. Any 18yo that’s a guest in my home is going to be expected to contribute, this kid is just rude and was raised without any manners. Even when she is on the clock my sister is running around like a dummy while the AP sits around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can do that, in that you can set boundaries over whom you’d like in your home. But I think you fundamentally misunderstand the au pair program. She is supposed to be part of the family and her childcare hours are strictly capped at 45 per week. When she isn’t on duty, she isn’t providing childcare. This isn’t negotiable, it’s a program run through the State Department. Au pairs are often invited to join their family on trips and outings, and while they often do provide help in that they are another adult in the room, they aren’t in charge of the kids unless that’s part of their 45 hours. So yes - taking photos, texting - all ok. She is not a domestic servant with blurry responsibilities, and she’s not a live in nanny.
If you don’t like her you don’t have to host her, same as anyone. But if you think she is somehow a leech because she’s not jumping to watch the kids more for her $195 per week stipend, your derision is misplaced.

Guests of guests are annoying

[Anonymous]

Are you looking for actual responses or do you just want people to jump in all, “omg the worst!!”

[Anonymous]

I mean… if she wasn’t working she wasn’t working. If I was the au pair and the parents invited me to go for the weekend somewhere I would assume they would want to spend time with their own kids. If it was clearly spelled out that I would be working and respondible for kids from X time to bed time as part of my 45 hours that’s different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean… if she wasn’t working she wasn’t working. If I was the au pair and the parents invited me to go for the weekend somewhere I would assume they would want to spend time with their own kids. If it was clearly spelled out that I would be working and respondible for kids from X time to bed time as part of my 45 hours that’s different.

But if you were the AP why would you want to spend your weekend and days off with the family. If you want to be treated like a member of the family then you need to act like one. You don’t treat the host like they’re supposed to be waiting on you. If I showed up somewhere awkwardly as the guest of a guest but with no gift or grace, I’d at least help out with kids, dishes, cooking….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you looking for actual responses or do you just want people to jump in all, “omg the worst!!”

No I just really don’t understand the dynamic from the AP’s perspective. If I was off I’d do my own thing. If I accepted an invitation from my employer to stay with their family member I’d be a gracious guest and help out. I’m also frustrated with my sister because I know there’s no way this dud is hanging around under her feet all weekend at home. I think my sister just brings her here as she doesn’t realize how annoying it is. Though now my sister is mad with me

[Anonymous]

Don’t invite the AP over again. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

She was a guest and not working. She is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t invite the AP over again. Problem solved.

I didn’t invite her in the first place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was a guest and not working. She is right.

I’m glad she’s not taking care of my kids. It’s important to be well mannered

[Anonymous]

She's only 18. She's awkward and I bet you also were at her age. She's in a foreign country with strangers, give her some grace and be supportive.

If you really can't work it out, just ask your sister to please not bring her next time. I bet the AP will be happy to be by herself at home instead of your house where she's not welcome anyway.