My sister’s AP..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's only 18. She's awkward and I bet you also were at her age. She's in a foreign country with strangers, give her some grace and be supportive.

If you really can't work it out, just ask your sister to please not bring her next time. I bet the AP will be happy to be by herself at home instead of your house where she's not welcome anyway.

Good perspective thanks but it’s creating tension with my nanny plus I don’t like the AP so I agree she’ll be better not to join
At 8yo my kids so please and thank you.

[Anonymous]

Just tell your sister to schedule her aupair to work on the days they visit or add her to the guest count.

The issue sounds like she was invited to visit on her 'off hours' and you were thinking she was there as an 'on the clock' aupair.

If that wasn't being counted towards her 45 hours in the week of childcare, she was your guest and the fact you expected her to watch the kids and not get a plate when she was hungry was rude.

Sounds like the adults need to have more clear expectations about how to handle an international exchange visitor in their family for a year.

She's not a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister hired her first AP who started in November. The AP is from a small farm town in Sweden and is 18yo. The first time we met her was in early December when my sister came to visit, she lives a few hours away so they stayed over for one night, my sister and BIL and their two kids. They had come for a family tradition where we have a nice dinner to get the holidays started. My sister and I are very close and my youngest is the same age as her oldest so our kids are growing up together.
In December they showed up with the two kids, the AP and a bunch of stuff. The AP walked into the house and walked around a bit, my sister told her to keep an eye on the kids. An hour later we were done unpacking, setting up the meal and planned for a glass of wine on the couch. The AP came and sat with the four of us, including me and DH, and just sat there awkwardly for a couple of hours. Meanwhile my nanny who was doing me a favor by working on the Saturday was watching my three kids and my two nephews.
We set dinner up buffet style and AP was the first to take a plate, sit and eat. I was really shocked and I said to her let’s get the kids to eat first, go find my nephews and get them to wash their hands. She came back a few minutes later and said she couldn’t find them, remember we’re all in the same house, and she just sat and ate…this went on for the two days with the AP acting like she was a guest at a hotel.
I asked my sister about it and she said the AP was still settling in and that actually it was her weekend off so she wasn’t supposed to be working. I told my sister next time just leave her at home as it’s annoying. Once they left my nanny was upset with me because I hadn’t told her to expect to have my nephews to take care of too. My nanny said that having the AP there just created more work for her.
We just spent the weekend with them and nothing has changed. We were out at a sporting event and the AP was taking lots of photos, checking her phone, and paying no attention to the kids. At meal times she didn’t help my nephews whatsoever. I asked my sister about it and she said she thought it would help to have the AP in case we wanted to go out for dinner. I told her I wouldn’t leave my sleeping kids with this AP and now my sister is upset.
I understand this is absolutely none of my business but can I just tell my sister that we don’t want this AP joining us anymore?

By the way, you need to talk to your sister before complaining online. An aupair is not a live-in nanny. She's not responsible for the nephews on her down time, which your sister told you she wasn't working when she visited. She is essentially a exchange student/sibling to the nephews when she is on her non-duty hours. So she isn't required to help the kids at the baseball game. That's your sister's job and I would assume YOUR job as an aunt.

Aupair's sign up for 45 hours a week and no more than 10 hours a day. If your sister is using all of the childcare hours during the week, the aupair is not throwing in a free friday night so your sister can go out to eat. She's not live-in staff. It's an exchange program for cultural exchange. Get to know the aupair. Actually invite her to the evening out and leave the husbands at home to deal with the kids - or your nanny.

Eventually, she will be comfortable with the kids like they are family members and may help because she knows what to do and is familiar with them. Right now, she's an 18 year old girl who is a continent away from home in a foreign country being hosted by people who think she should be working 24 hours a day so that they can relax. No one would sign up for that.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why everyone is being so tough on OP.

Our first and last AP just left a couple of weeks ago. We made it through a whole year with some bumps but in general ok. She is a nice girl but IMMATURE and has limited common sense. She would most likely act the same as OP's sister's AP.

OP, your sister really messed this up. First of all, she should ask you if the AP is invited. It is kinda rude just bring a total stranger to your house. Second, apparently she wanted some kids-free time with you and your family. She should schedule AP to work or tell the AP her expectations when taking her out as a family. AP either can accept and come along or if she doesn't want to chip in as a family, she can choose to do her own thing while you are away.

Her AP is very immature too. Yes she is off-duty but she is invited because she is being treated as a family. So act like a family! keep your eyes on the kids if the host parents are busy (not whole day, but 20-30 minutes when needed). if the host parents are enjoying some time with their siblings, join for a little while and when the conversation is not related to her anymore, politely leave and do something else! She can join the family for dinner and entertainment activities like games etc. but don't be there all the time! It is just like when your parents have friends over, you don't want to be there all the time.

In general, I don't like the AP program. It is so hard to make everyone's expectations on the same page due to the mixed positions/roles. I like my AP as a person but really not a fan of the program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your sister to schedule her aupair to work on the days they visit or add her to the guest count.

The issue sounds like she was invited to visit on her 'off hours' and you were thinking she was there as an 'on the clock' aupair.

If that wasn't being counted towards her 45 hours in the week of childcare, she was your guest and the fact you expected her to watch the kids and not get a plate when she was hungry was rude.

Sounds like the adults need to have more clear expectations about how to handle an international exchange visitor in their family for a year.

She's not a nanny.

It is also rude to grab the first plate as a guest especially an extended guest. APs chose this program and they should know that this is NOT their own home (even the host family's home is NOT her own home). So don't act like that. This is called MANNERS.

[Anonymous]

The problem is your sister, not the AP.

When the AP is not working the weekend, your sister should be the one to watch her kids, not your nanny. Of course your nanny was annoyed, rightly so. And you should be too, but not at the AP.

We take our APs on family visits during holidays. When it's not their working hours, my H and I are absolutely on childcare duty while AP relaxes and partakes in the festivities like a guest. We want them to have a good time and enjoy themselves when they're off duty.

I can understand your irritation at the 18 yr old for not having the best manners, but that pales in comparison to the biggest culprit in this set up, which is your sister, who seems fine to dump on your nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's only 18. She's awkward and I bet you also were at her age. She's in a foreign country with strangers, give her some grace and be supportive.

If you really can't work it out, just ask your sister to please not bring her next time. I bet the AP will be happy to be by herself at home instead of your house where she's not welcome anyway.

manners are manners. Nothing to do with the age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t invite the AP over again. Problem solved.

I didn’t invite her in the first place

I always ask before I bring a +1 to anyone’s house. That’s for you to explain to your sister.

I’ve asked in the past to bring my au pair over to family events and was told no most of the time because of Covid. Everyone knows they go out a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister hired her first AP who started in November. The AP is from a small farm town in Sweden and is 18yo. The first time we met her was in early December when my sister came to visit, she lives a few hours away so they stayed over for one night, my sister and BIL and their two kids. They had come for a family tradition where we have a nice dinner to get the holidays started. My sister and I are very close and my youngest is the same age as her oldest so our kids are growing up together.
In December they showed up with the two kids, the AP and a bunch of stuff. The AP walked into the house and walked around a bit, my sister told her to keep an eye on the kids. An hour later we were done unpacking, setting up the meal and planned for a glass of wine on the couch. The AP came and sat with the four of us, including me and DH, and just sat there awkwardly for a couple of hours. Meanwhile my nanny who was doing me a favor by working on the Saturday was watching my three kids and my two nephews.
We set dinner up buffet style and AP was the first to take a plate, sit and eat. I was really shocked and I said to her let’s get the kids to eat first, go find my nephews and get them to wash their hands. She came back a few minutes later and said she couldn’t find them, remember we’re all in the same house, and she just sat and ate…this went on for the two days with the AP acting like she was a guest at a hotel.
I asked my sister about it and she said the AP was still settling in and that actually it was her weekend off so she wasn’t supposed to be working. I told my sister next time just leave her at home as it’s annoying. Once they left my nanny was upset with me because I hadn’t told her to expect to have my nephews to take care of too. My nanny said that having the AP there just created more work for her.
We just spent the weekend with them and nothing has changed. We were out at a sporting event and the AP was taking lots of photos, checking her phone, and paying no attention to the kids. At meal times she didn’t help my nephews whatsoever. I asked my sister about it and she said she thought it would help to have the AP in case we wanted to go out for dinner. I told her I wouldn’t leave my sleeping kids with this AP and now my sister is upset.
I understand this is absolutely none of my business but can I just tell my sister that we don’t want this AP joining us anymore?

By the way, you need to talk to your sister before complaining online. An aupair is not a live-in nanny. She's not responsible for the nephews on her down time, which your sister told you she wasn't working when she visited. She is essentially a exchange student/sibling to the nephews when she is on her non-duty hours. So she isn't required to help the kids at the baseball game. That's your sister's job and I would assume YOUR job as an aunt.

Aupair's sign up for 45 hours a week and no more than 10 hours a day. If your sister is using all of the childcare hours during the week, the aupair is not throwing in a free friday night so your sister can go out to eat. She's not live-in staff. It's an exchange program for cultural exchange. Get to know the aupair. Actually invite her to the evening out and leave the husbands at home to deal with the kids - or your nanny.

Eventually, she will be comfortable with the kids like they are family members and may help because she knows what to do and is familiar with them. Right now, she's an 18 year old girl who is a continent away from home in a foreign country being hosted by people who think she should be working 24 hours a day so that they can relax. No one would sign up for that.

OP - I completely understand and appreciate your perspective here, but I don’t care. She’s not my AP, I wasn’t asked if I minded my guests bringing a guest. We are a big extended family, nobody shows up empty handed and nobody eats before the kids. If I’m the host and she’s the guest, and she doesn’t offer to help whatsoever, but I actually have to ask her to go get the kids before she eats, and even then she ‘can’t find them’ in a four bedroom house, obviously there are bigger problems at work here. The responses here have been helpful as I’ve a better perspective on how aps work, which reinforces why I never had one!!
It’s just poor etiquette but as I said above, it’s my sister’s problem and not mine. The AP is strange and there is no way I’d leave my kids with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t invite the AP over again. Problem solved.

I didn’t invite her in the first place

I always ask before I bring a +1 to anyone’s house. That’s for you to explain to your sister.

I’ve asked in the past to bring my au pair over to family events and was told no most of the time because of Covid. Everyone knows they go out a lot.

No because of covid. This is what I needed!!
Thanks so much. This AP never seems to leave the couch but even so I’m glad I’ve a good reason not to have her around again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's only 18. She's awkward and I bet you also were at her age. She's in a foreign country with strangers, give her some grace and be supportive.

If you really can't work it out, just ask your sister to please not bring her next time. I bet the AP will be happy to be by herself at home instead of your house where she's not welcome anyway.

manners are manners. Nothing to do with the age.

OP - this is exactly what bugs me. We have lots of guests and so many people will bring a favorite food, or make a favorite recipe, or start the dishes or whatever. It’s just polite but this one just sits there and even when asked to help she doesn’t engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is your sister, not the AP.

When the AP is not working the weekend, your sister should be the one to watch her kids, not your nanny. Of course your nanny was annoyed, rightly so. And you should be too, but not at the AP.

We take our APs on family visits during holidays. When it's not their working hours, my H and I are absolutely on childcare duty while AP relaxes and partakes in the festivities like a guest. We want them to have a good time and enjoy themselves when they're off duty.

I can understand your irritation at the 18 yr old for not having the best manners, but that pales in comparison to the biggest culprit in this set up, which is your sister, who seems fine to dump on your nanny.

Yes I agree. Though my sister originally said she was coming to work for the weekend, also when they arrived my sister told her your job is to keep an eye on the kids. So the whole thing was unclear, my sister is not assertive and this AP is lazy but they can figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why everyone is being so tough on OP.

Our first and last AP just left a couple of weeks ago. We made it through a whole year with some bumps but in general ok. She is a nice girl but IMMATURE and has limited common sense. She would most likely act the same as OP's sister's AP.

OP, your sister really messed this up. First of all, she should ask you if the AP is invited. It is kinda rude just bring a total stranger to your house. Second, apparently she wanted some kids-free time with you and your family. She should schedule AP to work or tell the AP her expectations when taking her out as a family. AP either can accept and come along or if she doesn't want to chip in as a family, she can choose to do her own thing while you are away.

Her AP is very immature too. Yes she is off-duty but she is invited because she is being treated as a family. So act like a family! keep your eyes on the kids if the host parents are busy (not whole day, but 20-30 minutes when needed). if the host parents are enjoying some time with their siblings, join for a little while and when the conversation is not related to her anymore, politely leave and do something else! She can join the family for dinner and entertainment activities like games etc. but don't be there all the time! It is just like when your parents have friends over, you don't want to be there all the time.

In general, I don't like the AP program. It is so hard to make everyone's expectations on the same page due to the mixed positions/roles. I like my AP as a person but really not a fan of the program.

Thank you, this is good perspective. I’m sure that having a schedule and communication help. When they arrived to stay with us my sister had told me she was coming to take care of the kids, and literally told her once they got to the house what to do. So it made no sense to me that the AP was just sitting around. My sister is mad with me right now but I’m just going to be straight up about it ahead of time vs being cranky afterwards

[Anonymous]

It just sounds like OP doesn't want to eat her meal with "the help" ... or is jealous of her sister who treats her AP like family and brings her over to her house.
OP thinks it's normal not to engage with her own children on the weekend and asks a favor to her nanny ...

I feel bad for this young AP who just arrived and has to deal with such unpleasant behavior ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds like OP doesn't want to eat her meal with "the help" ... or is jealous of her sister who treats her AP like family and brings her over to her house.
OP thinks it's normal not to engage with her own children on the weekend and asks a favor to her nanny ...

I feel bad for this young AP who just arrived and has to deal with such unpleasant behavior ...

LOL

I have no words for you. From what you said, I am not sure if you ever hosted an AP. If you are or will be hosting in the future, I hope all your APs are just like OP's sister's.