My sister’s AP..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds like OP doesn't want to eat her meal with "the help" ... or is jealous of her sister who treats her AP like family and brings her over to her house.
OP thinks it's normal not to engage with her own children on the weekend and asks a favor to her nanny ...

I feel bad for this young AP who just arrived and has to deal with such unpleasant behavior ...

OP here. The challenge is that I don’t like being treated like the help, by the help!
It’s my decision to have my nanny work Saturday so I can host house guests and make dinner for 20 people without having to worry about the safety of my children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister hired her first AP who started in November. The AP is from a small farm town in Sweden and is 18yo. The first time we met her was in early December when my sister came to visit, she lives a few hours away so they stayed over for one night, my sister and BIL and their two kids. They had come for a family tradition where we have a nice dinner to get the holidays started. My sister and I are very close and my youngest is the same age as her oldest so our kids are growing up together.
In December they showed up with the two kids, the AP and a bunch of stuff. The AP walked into the house and walked around a bit, my sister told her to keep an eye on the kids. An hour later we were done unpacking, setting up the meal and planned for a glass of wine on the couch. The AP came and sat with the four of us, including me and DH, and just sat there awkwardly for a couple of hours. Meanwhile my nanny who was doing me a favor by working on the Saturday was watching my three kids and my two nephews.
We set dinner up buffet style and AP was the first to take a plate, sit and eat. I was really shocked and I said to her let’s get the kids to eat first, go find my nephews and get them to wash their hands. She came back a few minutes later and said she couldn’t find them, remember we’re all in the same house, and she just sat and ate…this went on for the two days with the AP acting like she was a guest at a hotel.
I asked my sister about it and she said the AP was still settling in and that actually it was her weekend off so she wasn’t supposed to be working. I told my sister next time just leave her at home as it’s annoying. Once they left my nanny was upset with me because I hadn’t told her to expect to have my nephews to take care of too. My nanny said that having the AP there just created more work for her.
We just spent the weekend with them and nothing has changed. We were out at a sporting event and the AP was taking lots of photos, checking her phone, and paying no attention to the kids. At meal times she didn’t help my nephews whatsoever. I asked my sister about it and she said she thought it would help to have the AP in case we wanted to go out for dinner. I told her I wouldn’t leave my sleeping kids with this AP and now my sister is upset.
I understand this is absolutely none of my business but can I just tell my sister that we don’t want this AP joining us anymore?

By the way, you need to talk to your sister before complaining online. An aupair is not a live-in nanny. She's not responsible for the nephews on her down time, which your sister told you she wasn't working when she visited. She is essentially a exchange student/sibling to the nephews when she is on her non-duty hours. So she isn't required to help the kids at the baseball game. That's your sister's job and I would assume YOUR job as an aunt.

Aupair's sign up for 45 hours a week and no more than 10 hours a day. If your sister is using all of the childcare hours during the week, the aupair is not throwing in a free friday night so your sister can go out to eat. She's not live-in staff. It's an exchange program for cultural exchange. Get to know the aupair. Actually invite her to the evening out and leave the husbands at home to deal with the kids - or your nanny.

Eventually, she will be comfortable with the kids like they are family members and may help because she knows what to do and is familiar with them. Right now, she's an 18 year old girl who is a continent away from home in a foreign country being hosted by people who think she should be working 24 hours a day so that they can relax. No one would sign up for that.

OP - I completely understand and appreciate your perspective here, but I don’t care. She’s not my AP, I wasn’t asked if I minded my guests bringing a guest. We are a big extended family, nobody shows up empty handed and nobody eats before the kids. If I’m the host and she’s the guest, and she doesn’t offer to help whatsoever, but I actually have to ask her to go get the kids before she eats, and even then she ‘can’t find them’ in a four bedroom house, obviously there are bigger problems at work here. The responses here have been helpful as I’ve a better perspective on how aps work, which reinforces why I never had one!!
It’s just poor etiquette but as I said above, it’s my sister’s problem and not mine. The AP is strange and there is no way I’d leave my kids with her.

11:46 here, my AP was better than your sister's AP but still bugged me for the entire year for her immature actions. The mental stress from dealing with a teenager (not my own!) is wayyyyyy too much than whatever the value, convenience and flexibility the AP program provides. One and done. Soooo happy it is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister hired her first AP who started in November. The AP is from a small farm town in Sweden and is 18yo. The first time we met her was in early December when my sister came to visit, she lives a few hours away so they stayed over for one night, my sister and BIL and their two kids. They had come for a family tradition where we have a nice dinner to get the holidays started. My sister and I are very close and my youngest is the same age as her oldest so our kids are growing up together.
In December they showed up with the two kids, the AP and a bunch of stuff. The AP walked into the house and walked around a bit, my sister told her to keep an eye on the kids. An hour later we were done unpacking, setting up the meal and planned for a glass of wine on the couch. The AP came and sat with the four of us, including me and DH, and just sat there awkwardly for a couple of hours. Meanwhile my nanny who was doing me a favor by working on the Saturday was watching my three kids and my two nephews.
We set dinner up buffet style and AP was the first to take a plate, sit and eat. I was really shocked and I said to her let’s get the kids to eat first, go find my nephews and get them to wash their hands. She came back a few minutes later and said she couldn’t find them, remember we’re all in the same house, and she just sat and ate…this went on for the two days with the AP acting like she was a guest at a hotel.
I asked my sister about it and she said the AP was still settling in and that actually it was her weekend off so she wasn’t supposed to be working. I told my sister next time just leave her at home as it’s annoying. Once they left my nanny was upset with me because I hadn’t told her to expect to have my nephews to take care of too. My nanny said that having the AP there just created more work for her.
We just spent the weekend with them and nothing has changed. We were out at a sporting event and the AP was taking lots of photos, checking her phone, and paying no attention to the kids. At meal times she didn’t help my nephews whatsoever. I asked my sister about it and she said she thought it would help to have the AP in case we wanted to go out for dinner. I told her I wouldn’t leave my sleeping kids with this AP and now my sister is upset.
I understand this is absolutely none of my business but can I just tell my sister that we don’t want this AP joining us anymore?

We left the AP program with one month left. Could not take the headaches that came with AP immaturities anymore. We've had two au pairs neither worked out. I know some people swear by this program but we're so much happier with a nanny. This kids are much happier. No more altitude, crunchiness, insurance has gone down, phone bill and food have gone way done. Happy all around.

By the way, you need to talk to your sister before complaining online. An aupair is not a live-in nanny. She's not responsible for the nephews on her down time, which your sister told you she wasn't working when she visited. She is essentially a exchange student/sibling to the nephews when she is on her non-duty hours. So she isn't required to help the kids at the baseball game. That's your sister's job and I would assume YOUR job as an aunt.

Aupair's sign up for 45 hours a week and no more than 10 hours a day. If your sister is using all of the childcare hours during the week, the aupair is not throwing in a free friday night so your sister can go out to eat. She's not live-in staff. It's an exchange program for cultural exchange. Get to know the aupair. Actually invite her to the evening out and leave the husbands at home to deal with the kids - or your nanny.

Eventually, she will be comfortable with the kids like they are family members and may help because she knows what to do and is familiar with them. Right now, she's an 18 year old girl who is a continent away from home in a foreign country being hosted by people who think she should be working 24 hours a day so that they can relax. No one would sign up for that.

OP - I completely understand and appreciate your perspective here, but I don’t care. She’s not my AP, I wasn’t asked if I minded my guests bringing a guest. We are a big extended family, nobody shows up empty handed and nobody eats before the kids. If I’m the host and she’s the guest, and she doesn’t offer to help whatsoever, but I actually have to ask her to go get the kids before she eats, and even then she ‘can’t find them’ in a four bedroom house, obviously there are bigger problems at work here. The responses here have been helpful as I’ve a better perspective on how aps work, which reinforces why I never had one!!
It’s just poor etiquette but as I said above, it’s my sister’s problem and not mine. The AP is strange and there is no way I’d leave my kids with her.

11:46 here, my AP was better than your sister's AP but still bugged me for the entire year for her immature actions. The mental stress from dealing with a teenager (not my own!) is wayyyyyy too much than whatever the value, convenience and flexibility the AP program provides. One and done. Soooo happy it is over.

[Anonymous]

Wow shame on you . If she isn’t working why is there an issue. Tell your sister to watch her own kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your sister to schedule her aupair to work on the days they visit or add her to the guest count.

The issue sounds like she was invited to visit on her 'off hours' and you were thinking she was there as an 'on the clock' aupair.

If that wasn't being counted towards her 45 hours in the week of childcare, she was your guest and the fact you expected her to watch the kids and not get a plate when she was hungry was rude.

Sounds like the adults need to have more clear expectations about how to handle an international exchange visitor in their family for a year.

She's not a nanny.

It is also rude to grab the first plate as a guest especially an extended guest. APs chose this program and they should know that this is NOT their own home (even the host family's home is NOT her own home). So don't act like that. This is called MANNERS.

It is her home, for the length of time that she lives there. It’s not her *house*, in that she doesn’t own it… neither do your children…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds like OP doesn't want to eat her meal with "the help" ... or is jealous of her sister who treats her AP like family and brings her over to her house.
OP thinks it's normal not to engage with her own children on the weekend and asks a favor to her nanny ...

I feel bad for this young AP who just arrived and has to deal with such unpleasant behavior ...

OP here. The challenge is that I don’t like being treated like the help, by the help!
It’s my decision to have my nanny work Saturday so I can host house guests and make dinner for 20 people without having to worry about the safety of my children

Au pairs are part of the family, not the help. The problem is that you think they’re equivalent to nannies, and they aren’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds like OP doesn't want to eat her meal with "the help" ... or is jealous of her sister who treats her AP like family and brings her over to her house.
OP thinks it's normal not to engage with her own children on the weekend and asks a favor to her nanny ...

I feel bad for this young AP who just arrived and has to deal with such unpleasant behavior ...

LOL

I have no words for you. From what you said, I am not sure if you ever hosted an AP. If you are or will be hosting in the future, I hope all your APs are just like OP's sister's.

I am a former Au Pair. I wouldn't have helped myself first at the buffet for sure and would have pitched in.
But I'm sure there were times I was really awkward and maybe the host family thought I could have done more ...
I'm just happy they let it go and I always felt welcomed when I met their family or friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds like OP doesn't want to eat her meal with "the help" ... or is jealous of her sister who treats her AP like family and brings her over to her house.
OP thinks it's normal not to engage with her own children on the weekend and asks a favor to her nanny ...

I feel bad for this young AP who just arrived and has to deal with such unpleasant behavior ...

OP here. The challenge is that I don’t like being treated like the help, by the help!
It’s my decision to have my nanny work Saturday so I can host house guests and make dinner for 20 people without having to worry about the safety of my children

Au pairs are part of the family, not the help. The problem is that you think they’re equivalent to nannies, and they aren’t.

APs ARE help first, then part of the family if they are a GOOD help. Families host APs because they need childcare, not because they need another family member....... If both HF and AP are decent and treat EACH OTHER well, it would feel like a family but the care and thoughts must go both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your sister to schedule her aupair to work on the days they visit or add her to the guest count.

The issue sounds like she was invited to visit on her 'off hours' and you were thinking she was there as an 'on the clock' aupair.

If that wasn't being counted towards her 45 hours in the week of childcare, she was your guest and the fact you expected her to watch the kids and not get a plate when she was hungry was rude.

Sounds like the adults need to have more clear expectations about how to handle an international exchange visitor in their family for a year.

She's not a nanny.

It is also rude to grab the first plate as a guest especially an extended guest. APs chose this program and they should know that this is NOT their own home (even the host family's home is NOT her own home). So don't act like that. This is called MANNERS.

It is her home, for the length of time that she lives there. It’s not her *house*, in that she doesn’t own it… neither do your children…

I am obligated to provide room and board for my AP but my house is my house and everyone including my children follow my rules. My children would not just grab a plate and eat before everyone else, neither should the AP. That is the basic manner in my house. As I mentioned, it is not her OWN house. If she lives by herself, who care how she acts. But she lives in my house and share the common space with my family, she either follows my rules or she can find her next family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds like OP doesn't want to eat her meal with "the help" ... or is jealous of her sister who treats her AP like family and brings her over to her house.
OP thinks it's normal not to engage with her own children on the weekend and asks a favor to her nanny ...

I feel bad for this young AP who just arrived and has to deal with such unpleasant behavior ...

LOL

I have no words for you. From what you said, I am not sure if you ever hosted an AP. If you are or will be hosting in the future, I hope all your APs are just like OP's sister's.

I am a former Au Pair. I wouldn't have helped myself first at the buffet for sure and would have pitched in.
But I'm sure there were times I was really awkward and maybe the host family thought I could have done more ...
I'm just happy they let it go and I always felt welcomed when I met their family or friends.

That is good for you and I am sure your HF loved you because your actions show that you care. It is not about how much AP helps or chips in when off-duty, it is about the thoughts and care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds like OP doesn't want to eat her meal with "the help" ... or is jealous of her sister who treats her AP like family and brings her over to her house.
OP thinks it's normal not to engage with her own children on the weekend and asks a favor to her nanny ...

I feel bad for this young AP who just arrived and has to deal with such unpleasant behavior ...

OP here. The challenge is that I don’t like being treated like the help, by the help!
It’s my decision to have my nanny work Saturday so I can host house guests and make dinner for 20 people without having to worry about the safety of my children

Au pairs are part of the family, not the help. The problem is that you think they’re equivalent to nannies, and they aren’t.

APs ARE help first, then part of the family if they are a GOOD help. Families host APs because they need childcare, not because they need another family member....... If both HF and AP are decent and treat EACH OTHER well, it would feel like a family but the care and thoughts must go both ways.

Gross and classist and against the stated purpose of the AP program. OP's sister erred in bring AP as probably acquainted with OP's personality warts - but OP is pretty awful and probably not a good representative of the U.S. for cultural exchange purposes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just sounds like OP doesn't want to eat her meal with "the help" ... or is jealous of her sister who treats her AP like family and brings her over to her house.
OP thinks it's normal not to engage with her own children on the weekend and asks a favor to her nanny ...

I feel bad for this young AP who just arrived and has to deal with such unpleasant behavior ...

OP here. The challenge is that I don’t like being treated like the help, by the help!
It’s my decision to have my nanny work Saturday so I can host house guests and make dinner for 20 people without having to worry about the safety of my children

Au pairs are part of the family, not the help. The problem is that you think they’re equivalent to nannies, and they aren’t.

APs ARE help first, then part of the family if they are a GOOD help. Families host APs because they need childcare, not because they need another family member....... If both HF and AP are decent and treat EACH OTHER well, it would feel like a family but the care and thoughts must go both ways.

Gross and classist and against the stated purpose of the AP program. OP's sister erred in bring AP as probably acquainted with OP's personality warts - but OP is pretty awful and probably not a good representative of the U.S. for cultural exchange purposes.

Interesting, I am gross because I said AP and HF should be thinking about each other. okay. So you are telling me that you are taking in your AP as a family regardless her childcare performance or personality. Even if she is acting like an entitled spoiled brat but you still enjoy hanging out with her. I admire your big unconditional love.

YOU are the one who is misunderstanding this program. "Au Pair" in French means "equal to" and "give and take". It goes BOTH WAYS.

American culture was never about "clueless giving and welcoming" but being truthful and fair to others. I told my AP that I respect her as much as she respects us and herself. Being part of the family means that I care about her feelings, I am there when she needs us and we look out for each other. I am strict but I am reasonable, truthful and caring. My AP still texts me almost everyday after she left and appreciates my help on her growth during the year.

[Anonymous]

Cultural exchange means that you learn about the manners and customs of the country you are visiting.

Hosting means be able to share your customs and to teach about the local manners and expectations.

Would you be upset if you showed up in Japan and a host's family member was immediately annoyed that you didn't know what was considered 'good manners' there? Do you know every custom and expectation about a meal in a foreign country?

This AP was set up to look like a horrible, lazy teenager. Your sister didn't make it clear whether she was working or not.
You didn't make it clear whether she was even INVITED or not.
This AP may not have known that she wasn't considered a guest and able to eat first because that may be the custom in her country and with her family.

Just because you were shy or would have not been as confident to grab a plate doesn't mean that this young person isn't. She may be doing what is 100% acceptable in her country. Did anyone tell her otherwise? You just expect her to act like she understands american family customs as if they are universal to the world?

Your sister is upset that you can't just cut this girl a break. She isn't 'the help'. She's an AP. She's a family member who provides childcare as part of her exchange to live as a family member for a year.

Your problem is not with this AP. Your problem is with your sister. This AP was set up to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Cultural exchange means that you learn about the manners and customs of the country you are visiting.

Hosting means be able to share your customs and to teach about the local manners and expectations.

Would you be upset if you showed up in Japan and a host's family member was immediately annoyed that you didn't know what was considered 'good manners' there? Do you know every custom and expectation about a meal in a foreign country?

This AP was set up to look like a horrible, lazy teenager. Your sister didn't make it clear whether she was working or not.
You didn't make it clear whether she was even INVITED or not.
This AP may not have known that she wasn't considered a guest and able to eat first because that may be the custom in her country and with her family.

Just because you were shy or would have not been as confident to grab a plate doesn't mean that this young person isn't. She may be doing what is 100% acceptable in her country. Did anyone tell her otherwise? You just expect her to act like she understands american family customs as if they are universal to the world?

Your sister is upset that you can't just cut this girl a break. She isn't 'the help'. She's an AP. She's a family member who provides childcare as part of her exchange to live as a family member for a year.

Your problem is not with this AP. Your problem is with your sister. This AP was set up to fail.

Kids get set up to eat first everywhere, it’s just common sense. Also if you’re not sure best to ask or wait for a cue vs serving your own needs.

[Anonymous]

Why wasn't your sister taking care of her own kids, since her AP wasn't working? I also think it's up to your sister to guide her AP if the AP's behavior is unacceptable.