"Slave" poster - who are you??

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that happened to you as well, but didn't you know you always had a choice and didn't need to agree to those extra things that were not part of the au pair program? You sound like a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you do realize that many of us on here do exactly as you're advocating (easy when we have children in school) and yet still you cry 'slave driver!' It's actually kind of ludicrous.

As others have also pointed out too, I've been reading this site a long time and one never sees actual host parents claim APs are cheap. It's always folks who don't have APs who do. Those of us who host know better.

They are a lot cheaper than a nanny, aren't they? The entire program should be overhauled to reflect US labor laws. for domestic employees.

Mine wasnt!! I have school aged kids and the program costs me 25k/yr. During the school year i only need coverage until 530 and then occasiol help with driving. Even in summer (this week for example) my kids are in camp 5 hrs each day and also 2 week vacation.

The AuPair program is so expensive, im super excited that we've made the decision to drop the program and go with a HS sitter. My children are not babies, they don't need a nanny anymore, which is exactly why we use the AuPair program. For some people they might use an AuPair in lieu of a nanny, but no way in hell could you compare nanny caliber care to AuPair care. AuPairs are basically babysitters. We had a nanny for years when our kids were small. So if you want to compare the two, you can't.

Furthermore, on our fridge we have the contact info for our cluster posted. It has the families last names, AuPair names, kids gender and age. Id say 3/4 of thr families have school aged kids. Most families in this program are just like us, which is exactly why the minority of AuPairs working FT are quite bitter because they see their friends with easy jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a former AP.

My first host family was living in Central US. They had a very nice house, great jobs. They were older (42-58), had a very unhappy 7 yo little boy. They made me work the full 45 hours and would NEVER dismiss me even 5 minutes earlier, even if they were home. Which didn't happen a lot anyway because they always had something going on after work, either the gym or date night. I was finishing work at 9.30pm when I had to put the kid to bed.
Then ready to work at 7am to get him up and ready for school.
They would spend about 30 minutes per day with him and it wasn't quality time since I was there ... working.
They would use me half days on Saturdays, which would ruin my plans if I was invited out by other AP. I always had to say no and they stopped inviting me.
Then when the kid was off from school they asked if I wanted to make extra cash. They divided the weekly stipend by 45 hours which back then was $140/45, which made about $3 per extra hour ... I agreed to do that and so did the former AP but when you think about it I can't believe I accepted such a low wage.

The kid being very unhappy, yelling, hitting me etc, and since I wasn't having a good time on my time off (didn't even have a tv in my bedroom and no access to the car on weekends, living far from anything walking distance) I decided to leave and rematch.

Second host family, the father was a crazy person who would go through my stuff, steal my mail and yell at me if I had forgotten to clean up bread crumbs ...

I stayed because I wanted to experience America. But this was not the experience I had been dreaming about for years.
And most of my friends had problems, one was overworked and so tired she didn't even enjoy Manhattan on her days off on weekends, another one wasn't paid on her 2 weeks off (the father told her "Yes, we paid you, remember?!" but he hadn't ... she didn't say anything. They would also send her to the repair shop and wait for the car to be repaired for hours, among other things ...)

If I had to do it over, I'd probably chose another programme to spend one year abroad. Sadly I couldn't afford to study so I had to pick something that'd make me earn some money. That's why I chose the AP programme.
And it was in my field (early education), I love kids of course, it sounded like such a great experience but I can't believe all the crap I went through. And I was not a terrible AP. I was an excellent driver, love to help out, am a good roomate, never take advantage of anything, just a good person to be around. I didn't deserve that.

I also believe the rules need to be changed and I'm hoping for the best for future APs.

I am also a former AuPair. I am from Mexico. I came to a family when I was 24 (Im 36 now). I extened and met my husband here, married and am now a US citizen with 2 kids of my own. My HF was wonderful and are the only family i have here because my family is in mexico and cannot get a visa to visit. Too poor, state dept thinks they won't return back to MX.

My former charges now babysit my kids. My former HM takes my kids a few long weekends a year, so DH and i can get away alone. She's like my kids abuela. I was never a slave, I became part of the family from day 1 and my HD even walked me down the aisle since my own parents couldn't attend my wedding here.

And yes, these girls know what they are getting into much more than when i became an AuPair. I'm on numerous closed FB groups for former, current and girls considering becoming AuPairs. There are no secrets. We tell them what to look out for, the red flags, and all the good and bad. Even warn them about certain families in the program. Girls who are leaving will also give a heads up that a great family is looking and post info, same with bad families. If an AuPair arrives suprised, she must be living under a rock and not ever used the internet.

[Anonymous]

AP's aren't cheap. I quit the program in part because I could pay less for high quality daycare and get a better value (social setting, structured learning, multiple caretakers). The stipend is not the full cost to the family. Between the fee, the stipend, the education funds, and extra money at birthday and Christmas, I was paying $1700/month. Add in the increased food and energy, the insurance, and everything else, and the total program was costing me $22-$24k per year for an inexperienced, young girl who needed emotional support, caused drama, and brought a rotating cast of visitors. There are a lot of reasons to like and want an au pair. The "cost savings" isn't one of them.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the emotional support. While not a direct monetary cost, the time cost involved is incredible. Even my best AP needed a lot of emotional support and suffered from constant ear infections and menstrual problems.

[Anonymous]

Former AP here.
I used to be in the programme when I was 21 (now 32). That time there was limited information about AP. Although I believe that the regulations are changed since my time as an AP. I would like to share my experience.
Dad was abusive, mother worked full and rarely at home, children were unhappy.
I took care 3 children (5, 8, 10). I worked 45 hours a week, sometimes extra hour because DH or HM accused me for not doing effiently. There was several times they made me work 15 minutes extra because the children told their parents I took more than 10 minutes in bathroom. I once refused but DH hit me with a pen and trown it to my face. I cried. He yelled at me to stop being childish, he paid me to work not to spend my time spaing myself in the bathroom. I wasn't. Also my money mysteriously missing sometimes. I ended the programm after 4 months. I just went out and never came back, later I was accused stealing their money (and they told police that was the reason why I left).
Worst experience in my life, but lesson learned.
Not all AP are threated bad, there are so many AP that fit in a good family. But please do not ignore the fact that some AP are threated like a slave.
If you are HP or AP that know another AP that threated so badly, please do not ignore them.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I have been an Au Pair 5 times (all over the world) and while I have kept mostly positive memories of my host families and remain in touch with some of them, I still can't deny that a lot of a families often try and take the piss/abuse the program.

HF 1:

Single mother who paid me absolute peanuts (think less than the weekly stipend of an Au Pair in the US for an entire month of work) and didn't have any rules in place for her 3yo, her 3yo would bite me, kick me, insult me on a daily basis and there would be absolutely no consequences and the mother was actually quite verbally abusive as well. I was 17 at the time and the fact that this first experience didn't put me off Au Pairing again was an absolute miracle.

HF2:
The kids (a 4yo and 18months old twins) were adorable and very well-behaved but parents (even though nice) were barely there and I was made to work from 6 am (or whatever time the kids woke up) till 8.30pm at night, every day, sometimes even on weekends. (I was made to work the entire day on my birthday which happened to be a sunday, my day off under the excuse that they needed time away from the kids to bake me a cake.) I ended up working 60hours a week and only had time to go out at time, which I often did just so that I could have a break. I once woke up the kids as I left and got very badly yelled at by the father as he "wasn't paying me to have fun" he was paying me about 220$/a month!!!

HF3:

Lovely famiily, very considerate of me and the cultural experience I could get and really have nothing negative to say about them.

HF4:

Great family and I loved the child but they did make me work more than what was initially agreed ( not as bad as HF2 though).

HF5:

Nice people but ironically definitely the closest you can come to "slave keepers".

Lied to me about MANY things during the interview, omitting very important details that, had they been disclosed, would have made me pick a different family.

During the interview this family told me that I would be working during the week (no mention at all of the weekends) before and after school that I would have my own room and would have enough free time to explore and do my own things. So these where my expectations only to be told, after having travelled over 7000kms to get to their house, that they actually mostly needed me on the weekends and that "my" room was also the laundry room and the room where staff (they were rich) hung out during the day.

I ended up working everyday of the week (bare tuesdays) even having to work 24hours on weekend as they would ask me to sleep on the sofa next to the kid's room on Fridays to Sundays' evenings as they couldn't hear the kids from their room and always wanted someone to be on-call just in case (they had someone else do it during the week) which mean I never had a break on weekends, barely had a break during the week, never had proper sleep (even when I was sleeping in "my" room a member of the staff would come get dress or put laundry on my bed or whatever) and absolutely had no privacy (they also ommited to tell me they had cameras,they don't bother me but that was just one more omition from them). Worst part was that when I arrived I couldn't figure out how to get the warm water to work only to be told by the staff than in this side of the house (the staff area) there was no warm water, which meant that their staff was forced to take daily cold showers. I complained and they eventually installed warm water in the bathroom I was using (along with the rest of the staff) but it's appalling that I even had to suggest that maybe it wasn't really fair.

I also didn't have a house key (didn't trust their employees to have one) which meant that I could only go out on my only day off and never at night as going out at night would mean having to wake someone to have them open the door for me which also mean they had total control over my outgoings.


This family wasn't fundamentally bad, they were actually very nice to talk to and spend time with and they did treat me as a member of their family in many aspects, but the initial lying and omition of important details, the lack of any privacy and how unfairly they treated the people who worked in their home was real hard to stomach. I only put up with it because I was stuck there, got along great with the staff and could see that they had it even worse than me and I would have felt bad leaving early when they were stuck there. I am still very much in touch with one member of the staff who happen to still work for the family and she is at the end of her tether (unfortunately she has 3 children to feed and clothes and is too scared to leave this job and not be able to find something else to provide for her kids so she feels trapped.)



One may ask why I have put up with so much crap from the families and didn't up and leave but the truth is that I was young, didn't necessarily had the money to leave and my workplace was also my home. The fear that you may find yourself homeless in a foreign country, far away from your home, if you complain or open your mouth too much is very real. So most of us take it under the chin and liive through it the best we can.
I'll admit that most of my adventures where far away from the US so I didn't have the support system that Au Pairs who come to the US have but I still think there should be more in place to protect Au Pairs from abusing families.


I think the Au Pair program can have a lot to offer to both the Au Pair and the Host Family and I don't believe at all that all families want "cheap labor" , "slaves" or "low cost nannies" but some do and I think it's important that a system is put in place to ensure Au Pairs are treated fairly as Au Pairs are unfortunately highly dependent on their host family.

Like I have said, I have mostly pointed out the negatives of my Au Pair experiences but I still have very fond memories of all and each of my families and each of my host kid still hold a very special space in my heart.

[Anonymous]

Why keep doing it if so bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why keep doing it if so bad?

Exactly what an abuser would say,
"If you don't like getting abused, leave."

Way to go, PP! Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

No, I didn't say leave. I asked why she stayed in the program and go to new families year after year.

[Anonymous]

There no doubt are families in the program who should not be hosting.

[Anonymous]

Why is this program slavery?

Au pair lives with the employee and is totally dependent on HF.

Employee decides about:
Time of sending pocket money.
Time of reimbursing money for education.
Time of vacations.


Schedule-long working hours with long break in the middle of the day but Au pair can't really go anywhere it's too far away. Working 10h without breakes.
Sick days- mostly Au pair doesn't have . If the Au pair is sick she still works in a house.

Access to:
Type of food
Cellphone
TV
Car/ transportation.
Au pair is forced asking humiliating things:
Can I watch tv? Will you buy me x food? Could you charge my work cellphone so if I could call you in a case of emergency? Will you pick me up?


Employee can:
Track the Au pair.
Give curfew.


Employees can put Au pair down:
Asking for caring for their pet for a week for free.
Discussing with the spouse next to the au pair.
Being late.
Ignoring.
Not keeping word.

Stipend is low and it's hard to save money staying away from HF. No wonder that au pairs are looking for guys/girls with cars and an opportunity to spend a night in someones house. This might put them in danger. Stipend is not enough to rent a room. Not in the beginning when an au pair doesn't know what her situation is.

Stories with gifts or fancy trips those are exceptions. Having an Au pair is an attraction for HF. Au pair is for greedy families that are parents for weekends. Have you ever spend 3 weeks alone with your children except of its first 3months? This program creates social pathology.

Counselors don't visit houses and they are not talking with both sides -Au pairs and HF. No one knows what is going on in a house. Maybe neighbors see it. In many cases it would be word of the au pair against HF word.


This program gives endless examples of abusive behaviors because its not monitored. From my experience Au pair pays the the agency for visa and might participate in a couple of events.
Agency wants to keep the family and Au pair in a programme. HF might have a discount for positive reference. BTW look what are the the questions. Results of survey depends on how the question is constructed. Agency is not interested in anyone's problems. Mostly it's an Au pair problem not the HF.

I stayed and stuck a bit because I was trying to understand what is going on. After coming back home I realized how sick that experience is from the Au pair side.


Im wondering did you experienced beating someone up as a HF or Au pair?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you had a bad experience.

Most APs do not and that is why more APs want to come than there are HF.

PS If you so fundamentally believe that moms shouldn't work and use childcare, then yes, better you decided to leave the program.

[Anonymous]

Using childcare by moms is a totally different topic

In general after a year in USA Au pair will be keeping positive attitude. How are you? Good. How was your Au pair programme? Good. Did you travel? Yes. Did you like your HK? Yes they are just kids.


Digging deeper:

Did you travel in weekends?
Do you leave the house from Md-Fd after work?
Did you cry?
Were you disappointed?
Did you feel helplessness?
Did you feel isolation?
Were you disrespected? List things.
Do you trust HP? Why?
Did the kids or HP insult you? How?
Did you feel like a member of a family?
Did you join dinner/supper or breakfast with HF at least once a week at the end of the program?
Did you hold a conversation with HP at the end of a programme?
Did you have support from counsellor?
Do you think that agency stands on HF side?
Did you had time to attend Au pair meetings or did you work?
How far was it to go to the meeting?
What type of transportation did you have?
Describe duties related to the kids and work in a household.
Were you waiting for the end of a program?
Were you physically and mentally tired?
Would you stop participating program if you could travel for 2 weeks and didn't have to pay for return ticket?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this program slavery?

Au pair lives with the employee and is totally dependent on HF.

Employee decides about:
Time of sending pocket money. Set by agency guidelines as once a week. Who has time for anything other than automatic bank transfer/check anyway?
Time of reimbursing money for education. Set by agency guidelines
Time of vacations. Supposed to be mutually agreed upon, but au pair can't randomly pick when employer needs them to work. Not different from any other job.


Schedule-long working hours with long break in the middle of the day but Au pair can't really go anywhere it's too far away. Working 10h without breakes.
Sick days- mostly Au pair doesn't have . If the Au pair is sick she still works in a house. Within guidelines and AP should have known/agreed prior to rematch about conditions

Access to:
Type of food Are you timid about asking what you have access to? Should be able to ask once at the beginning what the rules are and how to express these things.
Cellphone
TV
Car/ transportation.
Au pair is forced asking humiliating things: Seriously, why are you asking HF to charge your cell? Why can't you do it yourself?
Can I watch tv? Will you buy me x food? Could you charge my work cellphone so if I could call you in a case of emergency? Will you pick me up?


Employee can: HF should give notice and AP agrees to these conditions when signing their contract. You also should have discussed whether HF had a curfew prior to matching.
Track the Au pair.
Give curfew.


Employees can put Au pair down:
Asking for caring for their pet for a week for free. Have to ask/agree.
Discussing with the spouse next to the au pair. Rude
Being late. These are inconsiderate. Did you ask your LCC for help?
Ignoring.
Not keeping word.

Stipend is low and it's hard to save money staying away from HF. No wonder that au pairs are looking for guys/girls with cars and an opportunity to spend a night in someones house. This might put them in danger. Stipend is not enough to rent a room. Not in the beginning when an au pair doesn't know what her situation is.

Stories with gifts or fancy trips those are exceptions. Having an Au pair is an attraction for HF. Au pair is for greedy families that are parents for weekends. Have you ever spend 3 weeks alone with your children except of its first 3months? This program creates social pathology.

Counselors don't visit houses and they are not talking with both sides -Au pairs and HF. No one knows what is going on in a house. Maybe neighbors see it. In many cases it would be word of the au pair against HF word.


This program gives endless examples of abusive behaviors because its not monitored. From my experience Au pair pays the the agency for visa and might participate in a couple of events.
Agency wants to keep the family and Au pair in a programme. HF might have a discount for positive reference. BTW look what are the the questions. Results of survey depends on how the question is constructed. Agency is not interested in anyone's problems. Mostly it's an Au pair problem not the HF.

I stayed and stuck a bit because I was trying to understand what is going on. After coming back home I realized how sick that experience is from the Au pair side.


Im wondering did you experienced beating someone up as a HF or Au pair?

Yes, it is an au pair problem. When I match, I want an engaged candidate that asks questions about the above situations (cell phone, car access, etc.) and would have moved on from you if you didn't. YOU need to advocate for yourself or ask your LCC for help. And if you're the PP who au paired for multiple crappy families, then you're rather masochistic.

Really... don't apply to be an au pair and accept your contract/match, THEN start whining that it's too little money.