AP Dating Issues - Please Help!!

[Anonymous]

Hi Everyone, I wanted to quickly get your options on a recent situation we have experimented with our AP.

To give some quick background, our prior local AP coordinator used to have a rule that the AP’s should not use dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, etc. Now that a new AP coordinator is in charge, she said they could use such apps which has now opened up the flood gates to serial dating.

Our AP (21) as been going on a many dates and this weekend decided to go on an out of town trip (3.5 hours away) with a boy (20, in Navy) who she has been seeing for a few weeks. My wife and I told her that we needed to meet this guy before they left to vet him and ensure her safety and security. As her host parents, want her to succeed and make the right choices. The plan was for her to leave on Saturday on the trip.

Last night (Friday), she told us she was going to the gym and then to Target. However, she ended up meeting up with this guy and they decided they would leave on their trip that night instead of Saturday!

Meanwhile, I heard her come home at 12:30 AM via our Ring Doorbell camera, and 30 minutes later she and this guy we have never met are caught on video leaving with her suitcase!! Since I heard the second notification on departure, text her immediately before she was able to leave. Another thing to note is she brought an unknown man into our house while my wife and two kids were sound asleep.

Long story short, I meet the guy in disappointment and they ended up leaving on the trip together. They do have double beds which is good but who knows what will go on. Note, my wife had mentioned to her Birth Control was available if needed but she declined. As you can imagine, I voiced my concerns, documented his divers license, and went over some rules quickly.

/// Help ///
What would you do in this situation? This is the third time we have warned her about going on dates without telling us (who, where, what), and is clearly taking advantage of us. If I hand not heard the Doorbell Notification and she left without us meeting this guy, she would have been on a plane back home this week!

- My first reaction is to tell her that this is her last warning - one more time it’s back to her country (currently she planning to stay 2y).
- No car usage (besides kids activities) for one week.

Any help or suggestions you have for next steps in speaking with her / dealing with this major issue would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Wow that is crazy but you cannot ground her like a kid. She is an adult and must live her life. Could be in way that you might not like, nothing you can do.
However her bringing a unknown guy to the house will be ground for rematch in my book. Google what happened to the family in New Jersey. If you really like her you should threaten to rematch and maybe she will take you more seriously. I personally will rematch about her bringing a guy you have never met to your house when you were sleeping. She seems to lack common sense !
The other red flag is why did they try to run away one day earlier, it seems like the guy has something to hide. If you do keep the au pair try to google the bf and run some background check if possible. Good luck !

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the great feedback, I appreciate it. What is the link to your post in reference?

We like our Au Pair a lot but the fact she never listens to our feedback and takes advantage of us is getting really annoying. Before she started dating everything was fine - but I think she is just boy crazy now and can’t think straight and makes very poor choices all the time.

We had to warn her several times about meeting guys in non public areas. Last week I had to get the car seat out of her private car and found that the passenger seat was in full recline after she met a boy down by the water at night

Hopefully all of this training makes it easier when our daughter is older. Praying the next 14 years are slow!!

[Anonymous]

You can't demand to meet the guys or even ask their names. You can offer to, for safety, but you can't demand it.

The sneaking out and bringing a man into the house in the middle of the night needs to be addressed. Personally I would rematch if she did it again.

No offense but you sound controlling. She's wrong, and sounds like she has poor judgment. But demanding to meet a guy, and thinking that you have the power to send her home (you don't) is over the top. Your relationship with your AP is probably going to suffer some kind of spectacular blow up unless you back off and unless she becomes much more discreet about her colorful sex life.

[Anonymous]

I am 23:26. I agree with PP. You can’t control her! but you can control the perks. Since she broke the rule you can e.g. say she can’t use the car for her private errands anymore. But you are probably bound for rematch and she won’t like it because she wants to stay close to new bf. This is why I only get mature and responsible AP.

[Anonymous]

She is not a child. She is allowed to go on dates, have sex, get pregnant even. It is not your job or your right to stop any of that from happening.

That said, you need to have a reset conversation about things that actually affect your family:

1) Her use of the car. You can’t insist that she be home at any particular time, but it’s fair to say that she can’t have the car with her if she’s going to be out past a certain time because you don’t want her drinking and driving or even just driving when she’s been up all night and is overtired and more likely to make a mistake.

2) what time she is out until on work nights. It’s reasonable to say that she needs to get a decent amount of sleep before caring for your children, so if she has early morning hours it is fair to set a curfew only for nights when she will be working the next morning.

3) having her gentlemen callers in your home. I would set a firm boundary that she is not to bring them home. She clearly does not want you meeting or interfering with them and that is fine, but it is not OK for her to be sneaking people in and out of your house without your knowledge, so I would set a new rule that they are not allowed to come to your house at all.

You cannot set a rule about this, but I would make sure that she knows that the downside of dating around is that not everyone is who they appear to be, and with different cultural norms and a slight language barrier, it’s possible that it will be harder for her to identify someone who may be bad news in time to avoid being in a tricky situation with them. Tell her that you understand she doesn’t want to report to you, but that it is a basic safety protocol but the first time she meets someone from an app should be in a public place, and she should always tell someone else who she’s going to be with and where before getting into their car. If she doesn’t want that person to be you, she should still choose a friend she trusts and make sure that that friend has your number. As for birth control, she should actually be using condoms regardless to avoid disease, but you can put out the information again and this time rather than offering to take her or help her get birth control just give her the information she needs to do it on her own if she decides that that’s something she wants.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP, my AP went nuts on tinder as well. As much as we want to protect our APs like our own children, you can’t. As others have mentioned she is an adult and can date whoever and how many ever guys she wants. You are setting yourself up to have a very unhappy AP. The more you try and control, the less she is going to share with you. While I agree about setting up some rules, like no one in your home, be prepared for the backlash if you set up too many. She should not have to tell you who she is going out with or where they are going, as long as they are not coming to your home. Remember you have chosen this person because you trust them with your children. If you really feel like you can’t trust her to make sound decisions about her own life, it’s time to rematch.

[Anonymous]

The reason she is sneaking around is because you're so controlling.

[Anonymous]

Op. You get to decide what you are comfortable with. If you can’t feel comfortable with that s situation you can rematch

[Anonymous]

Thanks did feedback. I’ll clarify a few things for everyone since you don’t know the whole situation as it stands. We are also not helicopter parents (to AP and our own children) btw and very from from that. Our AP is frequently comparing with her friends who has the best host and we are usually the favorite.

We actually are fine with her dating and she knows that. We don’t interfere with her general dating at all, and she can do whatever she wants. We have NEVER requested to meet every date nor do we want to do that - instead are only request is that she meets dates in public places for the first time. Not down on the waterfront park away from people at night. Basic stuff any women should do this day in age - even the strong / independent.

Plus we’re 100% supportive of her going on a trip with the guy she recently met - all we wanted to do is meet the person for her own safety. As I read in another post, while she is an adult on paper, we still have a responsibility as he host parents to ensure she is safe and successful outcomes.

I’m not going to be the one to tell her real parents that we knowingly let her go on a weekend trip with a guy we never met and something bad happened to her. Put yourself in different shoes - would you let your own daughter in high school go on a trip with a random guy you have never ever met and without telling anyone? While the AP is 21, she never went to college like most of you here in the US who are informed of risky behavior, etc during orientation - nor has she lived on her own before.

I’m not even sure the AP’s friend have ever met this guy - so she’s being sneaky to everyone, not just us. It’s just an odd situation .... anyways, She’s got it pretty good as our AP, private house, private car, paid for everything, no restrictions except week nights home by midnight and weekends 2 AM). Hopefully she makes good choices moving forward.

I am planning to only address a few things

1. She let a man into our house at night while everyone was sleeping. This isn’t acceptable.
2. She made a poor choice of leaving in the middle of the night with no plans (no hotel, etc) and without telling us at all. The original plan was to leave Saturday and she said we could meet him before they left.

[Anonymous]

I think you can give her advice, you cant control what she does with that advice though. When I was an au pair here I was 19 and had a years worth of birth control with me. Also used condoms though. I would have been mortified if my host family would have brought up birth control.
Its fine to want to meet a man if he is coming to your house, but running downstairs in your pajamas or whatever you were wearing after midnight is just crazy.
You need to take a step back

[Anonymous]

Have you informed your LCC what’s going on? Letting a man into your home when everyone is asleep is a huge safety concern and grounds for rematch. You want this documented NOW before AP pulls out some “woe is me” lies about your family to look better during the rematch.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t run outside and did not make a big deal out of it. I just happen to see her text that she was leaving after being alerted in mid-sleep by the ring doorbell camera. I text her that we were supposed to meet the guy before she left. Ultimately we met the guy for 3 minutes and they left. I had to make her a hotel reservation, so you can see the poor planning here at 1 AM in the morning.

She was actually sitting in her car for 20 minutes after first leaving - I think she also wanted confirmation and was hesitant to leave. In knowing her, I think she knew that she is making risky choices but is feeling peer pressure.

[Anonymous]

You are doing the right thing, OP. https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/05/nyregion/maplewood-murder-david-kimowitz-nanny.html

[Anonymous]

I am on ap 6 and our on line dating rule is no one picks up at our house.
Meet at bar or whatever.

No males in our home until we meet the ok.
No males spend the night.

We only match over 21 and only 1 ap was a freak/slut who did not work out for other reasons.

Other than that we are not their parents and I really do not care who they sleep with as long as they are not related to anyone in my family or neighbors husbands.