AP Dating Issues - Please Help!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t run outside and did not make a big deal out of it. I just happen to see her text that she was leaving after being alerted in mid-sleep by the ring doorbell camera. I text her that we were supposed to meet the guy before she left. Ultimately we met the guy for 3 minutes and they left. I had to make her a hotel reservation, so you can see the poor planning here at 1 AM in the morning.

She was actually sitting in her car for 20 minutes after first leaving - I think she also wanted confirmation and was hesitant to leave. In knowing her, I think she knew that she is making risky choices but is feeling peer pressure.

Why did you have to make a reservation for a trip that she sneaking in to take?

[Anonymous]

She was supposed to leave on Saturday - not at 12:30 AM. My wife and I wanted to meet him before they left. In my first post I mentioned her original plan. I was going to make her hotel reservation when they decided if there actually going for sure and when.

On Friday night she went to The gym and Target, then met up with this guy and decided to go that night instead of the following day.

We were fine with this trip all along and just wanted to meet the person taking our AP out of town for the very first time.

What we are most concerned about was the guy in the house while sleeping (we never met), and that she told us we would meet the guy before they left but instead ran off in the middle of the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was supposed to leave on Saturday - not at 12:30 AM. My wife and I wanted to meet him before they left. In my first post I mentioned her original plan. I was going to make her hotel reservation when they decided if there actually going for sure and when.

On Friday night she went to The gym and Target, then met up with this guy and decided to go that night instead of the following day.

We were fine with this trip all along and just wanted to meet the person taking our AP out of town for the very first time.

What we are most concerned about was the guy in the house while sleeping (we never met), and that she told us we would meet the guy before they left but instead ran off in the middle of the night.

I totally agree with the bolded part, that is probably the only thing you should be worried about that and address that issue. But it still doesn't explain why you are making her reservation at midnight? it seems like you wanted to make sure she is sleeping in her own room, not with the new guy?

[Anonymous]

I was making the hotel reservation for her because she wanted to utilize my status to get good rooms (upgraded suite) like she usually does when traveling.

She also doesn’t know how to make reservations I don’t think. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t care what she does in her own time or if they have one bed or two.

I actually asked her if she wanted a king (single) or two double beds. She said herself they are sleeping in separate beds.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have to say you are a bit confusing. You post this -


“What would you do in this situation? This is the third time we have warned her about going on dates without telling us (who, where, what), and is clearly taking advantage of us. If I hand not heard the Doorbell Notification and she left without us meeting this guy, she would have been on a plane back home this week!

- My first reaction is to tell her that this is her last warning - one more time it’s back to her country (currently she planning to stay 2y).
- No car usage (besides kids activities) for one week.”

So one minute you are going to send her packing for not introducing you to the dude, and demanding she tell you who, where and what about her dating life, and then bit later you are saying you really don’t care about her dating life and you were prepared to book her a kind sized bed? I’m not trying to be rude, I just don’t understand what you are trying to say. Maybe you just needed a vent? I can relate to that.

I think all HFs agree with you about the no dudes you haven’t met in your home, but other than that, I’m not sure what you’re looking for with your post.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, sorry OP something doesn't make sense. So you heard her leave because of the ring notification, obviously she was not planning to say good bye, so you come down around 12:30am to catch her with the new guy about to sneak out and you have to book a room for her because she wants the perks? What I am missing here?

From your post:
"Meanwhile, I heard her come home at 12:30 AM via our Ring Doorbell camera, and 30 minutes later she and this guy we have never met are caught on video leaving with her suitcase!! Since I heard the second notification on departure, text her immediately before she was able to leave. Another thing to note is she brought an unknown man into our house while my wife and two kids were sound asleep.

Long story short, I meet the guy in disappointment and they ended up leaving on the trip together."

[Anonymous]

Here a summary in case it was not clear before. Perhaps the subject was misleading as its not a dating issue really.


1. During the week the AP discussed going on an overnight stay with the guy she has seen 2x over the past week or so. Her plan was to leave on Saturday morning (3.5 hour drive to destination) and say through Sunday evening.


2. We (host parents) are 100% fine with her going on a trip and staying in a hotel room (absolutely no issue with dating / sex / etc.). Earlier that day (Friday) the AP asked me to book the hotel room for Saturday so that she could take advantage of the perks I get (and she has enjoyed in the past). No problem at all .... We asked and she said it was fine to meet the guy she was going on a trip with to ensure her safety. Note, at this time I had not made the hotel reservation yet as she was still not 100% that they were going. Kids they days make plans day of as you probably know.


3. Friday evening, the AP went to the Gym and to Target. Before she left our home, the plans above were still valid (leaving on Saturday morning)


4. After the gym, she met up with the guy and they decided to go on their trip. The AP then sent me a text at 11:00 PM stating "We decided to go tonight ....". We did not see the text as we went to bed early that night after a long work week. The AP arrived back at our home at 11:30 PM, packed her bags and left with her suitcase at 12:10 AM. During this time she brought this guy into our home for 40+ minutes without our knowledge (we have never met him, and she went out on 2 dates).

After going in and out of the house 2 times, the Ring Doorbell Camera woke me up. I was surprised to see her text and all the activity at the front door (her coming and then leaving).


5. I text her back and said "you're leaving now". She said "Yes, can you book the hotel now that you're awake". I said we did not meet this guy yet. The AP said you can now before we leave -- meanwhile its 12:15 AM and we are in bed.


6. I ended up going outside to meet the AP and the guy for 3-5 minutes. And shortly after they were on the way and I booked the hotel room as per her request. I am not sure what they were thinking leaving at 12:30 at night to a location only 3.5 hours away. Nor did they have a place to sleep. But hey, they are millennials.

The AP has a private guest house, so if having sex was her main objective she could have accomplished that without leaving on a trip. Again, not an issue to us what she does in her own time / privacy. She has also made a string a bad choices and goes into depression mode. For example, she met some guy down by the water and the next day I found her car seat in full recline when I was getting the car seat out. She told us she mad a bad choice last night and wasn't happy with herself. That is when my wife informed her of the services available to her should she ever need them.

---

While some of you just get your 45 hours a week in and don't care what they AP does otherwise, we as her host parents do feel responsible for her overall safety and making good choices. We promised her parents that we would watch over her. It's also being responsible to offer women's health and other resources available for free if she needed anything. Why not be informed of information that she otherwise would not know.

As I stated earlier, our biggest concerns are:

a.) The AP let an unknown man into our home while everyone was sleeping.

b.) The AP left without telling us in the middle of the night. Plus, we mutually agreed with her that we had to meet any guy she was leaving town with. We went to bed thinking she was leaving the next day, and instead shes out the door with an unknown guy.

When the AP makes poor choices like these time after time, it gets annoying. Plus, you have to hope she isn't making bad choice while watching your kids. She also has broken the trust we expect from her multiple times now. I think part of the issue is that is a very bad communicator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I stated earlier, our biggest concerns are:

a.) The AP let an unknown man into our home while everyone was sleeping.

And your concern is valid.
You still cannot ground her like a 5 year old. You can send her into rematch over breaking your trust or you can talk to her and ask her to please not do that again. Ask your LCC to join you for a reset (or rematch) meeting. But that is pretty much all you can do.

She can date whoever she wants, she can have sex with every guy she meets on the street. In her free time she can pretty much do however she pleases. This is none of your business. Nothing she does breaks the law - she is not underage, she is not committing a crime, she is not illegally working at the side, she is not DWI, she is not doing drugs. I couldn't even say if letting the guy she is dating into her place of residence to pick her up is breaking the law... I have no idea if you can legally tell her she is not allowed to have people pick her up.
She may change her plans and leave at 1am instead of 8 am. She also doesn't have to let you meet the people she dates. She is an adult, she is of age even in the US. Her free time, her sex life and her private life are none of your business. You are not her parent. And even if you were her parent she would be allowed to change her plans and she would be allowed to date people you didn't agree with (or didn't know).
What IS your business is that she is giving out your address to people you do not know and letting people into your house in the middle of the night (morally at least, again, legally I couldn't say). But again, you can rematch over this or you can suck it up.

- My first reaction is to tell her that this is her last warning - one more time it’s back to her country (currently she planning to stay 2y).
- No car usage (besides kids activities) for one week.

You cannot send her home. You can go into rematch over breaking your trust, you can even give a bad reference to every prospective HF that contacts you, however... you cannot send her home. The agency can but it's unlikely that they will over this. "Sending her home" is not your choice. It's the agency's (or the State could deport her but won't for getting picked up at your residence by her date while her visa is in status). You may be "lucky" and she may not find a new HF and she may need to go home. Or she may be matched within minutes because another family may not care that much.

You can take the car privilege away from her in her free time for a week or for the rest of her time with you, your car, your choice - but you will then need to accept that she might have to call an Uber or a taxi to your address to get picked up. You can start her on a curfew, the agency will most likely accept that even for a legal adult but you will have to accept that she may go into rematch over that.

I’m not going to be the one to tell her real parents that we knowingly let her go on a weekend trip with a guy we never met and something bad happened to her. Put yourself in different shoes - would you let your own daughter in high school go on a trip with a random guy you have never ever met and without telling anyone? While the AP is 21, she never went to college like most of you here in the US who are informed of risky behavior, etc during orientation - nor has she lived on her own before.

It's totally within your rights to worry about her. I am usually the one who says "I am not going to tell her parents she got raped and killed doing X activity that I was aware of" - but again, your AP is an adult. It doesn't matter if she has been to college or has lived on her own before. Most people her age are well aware that risky behavior is risky even if they have not been to college, even if they have lived at home before. They know that if you do stupid things you may get into trouble or hurt (or worse). Young people often behave in ways that are less than smart and they will eventually figure that out when they are older (like "have kids that age old") but most young people are somewhat aware that their choices are not those their parents would make (though I have by now learned that some choices my own mother made in her teens or when she was in her early 20s were much more stupid than most choised I ever made) and they still do it. Most people are stupid. No matter how old they are.

But all you can do is tell her just that! Tell her you are worried about her and her well-being. Tell her that you don't want to be responsible for telling her parents something happened to her because she made bad choices.

You can still not force her not to do things you don't like. You can go into rematch over breaking your trust. You can go into rematch over giving out your address. You can go into rematch over differences in expectations. But really, there is very very little else you can do.

b.) The AP left without telling us in the middle of the night. Plus, we mutually agreed with her that we had to meet any guy she was leaving town with. We went to bed thinking she was leaving the next day, and instead shes out the door with an unknown guy.

Your AP did tell you that they changed their plans and she was going to leave early. Yes, last minute and late at night but if they decided after gym and Target she most likely messaged you right after they made the decision. She could have called you instead of texting you but would you have prefered that if you were already in bed? Seeing that this was not really an emergency that would have called for a midnight phone call, waking everbody? She is allowed to change her plans.
She does not have to let you meet the guy. Yes, she agreed to it in advance but again, she is an adult. Your adult employees (or even your adult children) do not have to let you meet the people they are dating/meeting/having sex with/traveling with. They may even change their mind if they have previously agreed to it. She changed plans she had for her time off. This is her right. You cannot dictate what she does and when she does it while she is off.

(I am certain that she thought she was doing you a favor by not calling you and just getting in quietly to get her stuff so that she wouldn't wake you at 1am just because she decided to leave early.)

All this leaves you with is giving out your address and letting the guy into your house to pick up her bag.
Yes, this is an issue. Yes, it's totally fine that you are unhappy about this. Yes, you may even send her into rematch about this. All fine. But asking her not to do it again and telling her what the consequences of breaking your trust again will be (rematch... not "you will go home" because, again, that is not on you to decide, all you can ask for is for her to no longer work for your family) or asking for rematch now is all you can do. Even if you were her parent there would be very little you could do. I totally understand that you are unhappy about the whole situation. It's your right to be livid and pissed and worried and annoyed. But you need to accept that what you can do is really, really limited. It would be limited if she was your 21 year old daughter and it is even more limited with her being your 21 year old employee.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get it: AP has a guest house. Guest house implies a separate entrance. Why would she need to have the guy enter the main house, or even herself enter the main house to pack bags for the trip?

If the only entrance to AP’s room is through main house equipped with the Ring, then her quarters are not really private.

[Anonymous]

OP...are you attracted to your AP? You seem awfully hung up on her sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it: AP has a guest house. Guest house implies a separate entrance. Why would she need to have the guy enter the main house, or even herself enter the main house to pack bags for the trip?

If the only entrance to AP’s room is through main house equipped with the Ring, then her quarters are not really private.

OP probably means private guest suite, like a basement. Or if it really is a guest house, the shortest way is to walk through the house to get to it in the back (fenced in pool house) rather than go around.

I think OP has valid concerns. Your AP’s an idiot thinking she can go on an overnight with a young Navy guy and not expect sex (2 beds and sleeping separately is definitely NOT what he intends). Sure, she’s not going to call whatever happens “rape” because of her poor choices that led to it, but she should be able to say “no, I don’t want to have sex” at any time and be able to stop.

You can continue to watch the train wreck for the rest of her year, then pass her off to another family, or rematch sooner because her poor choices also affect your family’s safety. APs can get stalkers and be victims of their own risky behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP...are you attracted to your AP? You seem awfully hung up on her sex life.

Definitely not ... you sound like the news, shifting the conversation to what you want it to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it: AP has a guest house. Guest house implies a separate entrance. Why would she need to have the guy enter the main house, or even herself enter the main house to pack bags for the trip?

If the only entrance to AP’s room is through main house equipped with the Ring, then her quarters are not really private.

She has her own Suite on a separate floor of our home (away from family). Plus there is a separate guest house she can use on the weekends for additional privacy.

[Anonymous]

I did you the correct wording, rather than “sent home”, rematch would be the correct terminology to use in this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it: AP has a guest house. Guest house implies a separate entrance. Why would she need to have the guy enter the main house, or even herself enter the main house to pack bags for the trip?

If the only entrance to AP’s room is through main house equipped with the Ring, then her quarters are not really private.

OP probably means private guest suite, like a basement. Or if it really is a guest house, the shortest way is to walk through the house to get to it in the back (fenced in pool house) rather than go around.

I think OP has valid concerns. Your AP’s an idiot thinking she can go on an overnight with a young Navy guy and not expect sex (2 beds and sleeping separately is definitely NOT what he intends). Sure, she’s not going to call whatever happens “rape” because of her poor choices that led to it, but she should be able to say “no, I don’t want to have sex” at any time and be able to stop.

You can continue to watch the train wreck for the rest of her year, then pass her off to another family, or rematch sooner because her poor choices also affect your family’s safety. APs can get stalkers and be victims of their own risky behavior.

As the wife of a naval veteran, I’m offended by this comment. A man (or woman) that has chosen to defend our country deserves our respect, not to be labeled as some sexual predator. The fact that he is in the military is irrelevant to this post.