AP Dating Issues - Please Help!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Everyone, I wanted to quickly get your options on a recent situation we have experimented with our AP.

To give some quick background, our prior local AP coordinator used to have a rule that the AP’s should not use dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, etc. Now that a new AP coordinator is in charge, she said they could use such apps which has now opened up the flood gates to serial dating.

Our AP (21) as been going on a many dates and this weekend decided to go on an out of town trip (3.5 hours away) with a boy (20, in Navy) who she has been seeing for a few weeks. My wife and I told her that we needed to meet this guy before they left to vet him and ensure her safety and security. As her host parents, want her to succeed and make the right choices. The plan was for her to leave on Saturday on the trip.

Last night (Friday), she told us she was going to the gym and then to Target. However, she ended up meeting up with this guy and they decided they would leave on their trip that night instead of Saturday!

Meanwhile, I heard her come home at 12:30 AM via our Ring Doorbell camera, and 30 minutes later she and this guy we have never met are caught on video leaving with her suitcase!! Since I heard the second notification on departure, text her immediately before she was able to leave. Another thing to note is she brought an unknown man into our house while my wife and two kids were sound asleep.

Long story short, I meet the guy in disappointment and they ended up leaving on the trip together. They do have double beds which is good but who knows what will go on. Note, my wife had mentioned to her Birth Control was available if needed but she declined. As you can imagine, I voiced my concerns, documented his divers license, and went over some rules quickly.

/// Help ///
What would you do in this situation? This is the third time we have warned her about going on dates without telling us (who, where, what), and is clearly taking advantage of us. If I hand not heard the Doorbell Notification and she left without us meeting this guy, she would have been on a plane back home this week!

- My first reaction is to tell her that this is her last warning - one more time it’s back to her country (currently she planning to stay 2y).
- No car usage (besides kids activities) for one week.

Any help or suggestions you have for next steps in speaking with her / dealing with this major issue would be appreciated.

She is an adult. If you don't like her choices/lifestyle you should rematch. I am so not ok with bringing strangers in my home. All this documenting her "date's" driver's license stuff is too much. That's really not your role. I speak to my AP about safety and good decision making upon arrival. Then I focus on the quality of childcare. What they do in their personal life is not my business. I don't "bail" them out of sticky situations either. I document and involve the AD or LCC. If their personal life is adversely impacting childcare and my family's life we would have to part ways. I do not have the time to "parent" and adult.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound completely unhinged.

You are not unreasonable for being mad at your AP bringing someone into your home without your consent but everything else is pure madness.

She is an adult, you are not her parents and even if you feel morally responsible for her, you aren’t. She is an adult, again.


Your former LCC was completely out of place for telling APs they couldn’t use dating apps. You do not own your AP, as an adult she is entitled to having a dating life and sex life and shock horror but you don’t actually have to approve of it.


I have worked as an AP and yes plenty of APs make very poor decisions, plenty end up having way more sex than they would in their country of origin and go off the rails a bit on the premises that it’s their one year abroad. But you know what ? They are entitled to do that. They are entitled to making mistakes and potentially suffer the consequences of it.

Most APs will have come with their own birth control supply, some APs don’t want to take birth control and the majority most definitely probably don’t want to discuss their birth control choices with you.


I don’t even introduce my dates to my own parents, and rarely to my friends, no way would I introduce dates I had to my host families as a full grown adult. The same way I didn’t expect the single mom I was working for to introduce me to her dates and tell me where she was going and when in case something bad happened to her and I needed to call the cops, I trusted her to take the necessary measures to keep herself safe so I didn’t have to tell her kid that something bad had happened to mummy.

As an Au Pair who did have sex during her year with people from apps and the else without involving my host family, I always made sure I was safe and someone knew where and who I was with (my friends though not my host family), I made sure to use protection but would have refused birth control from my host family because I didn’t want to talk about my reproductive system with them, the same way I didn’t feel entitled to ask them about theirs (even though my host mom getting pregnant would affect me more than them me).

Someone used the term « slut » to refer to their AP because I can only assume she had lots of sex with different people. It is absolutely shocking that people (especially other women as I bet this post was made by an host mom) would refer to other women as « slut » for having a thriving sex life.


Again, your AP was out of bound for bringing someone into your house and you would not be unreasonable to rematch over this. You would also not be unreasonable to remove the car but that will also make her more dependent on strangers for rides. You are 100% out of line for expecting to know details of her dating life and expecting to meet people she sees on her free time and being patronizing over how she leads her life and imply it’s the lack of education. (Have you met many college students? A lot of the APs I knew were college graduates and still having sex right left and center and making piss poor decisions.)


Apologize to your AP for being so controlling, tell her bringing someone over to your place she barely knows and you haven’t met or agreed on is unacceptable and pick the appropriate consequence. But please take a step back from her dating life. She genuinely doesn’t owe you full transparency here.

[Anonymous]

Lol - I made slut comment. Our AP was!
In her first week she bragged that she gave oral sex to a 6 flags game worker for free games/stuffed animals.

I could go on but not worth the time....how she did not go home with a kid is amazing. A few diseases, but whatever.

[Anonymous]

Wow you sounds crazy, I hope your AP leaves soon. MYoB!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it: AP has a guest house. Guest house implies a separate entrance. Why would she need to have the guy enter the main house, or even herself enter the main house to pack bags for the trip?

If the only entrance to AP’s room is through main house equipped with the Ring, then her quarters are not really private.

OP probably means private guest suite, like a basement. Or if it really is a guest house, the shortest way is to walk through the house to get to it in the back (fenced in pool house) rather than go around.

I think OP has valid concerns. Your AP’s an idiot thinking she can go on an overnight with a young Navy guy and not expect sex (2 beds and sleeping separately is definitely NOT what he intends). Sure, she’s not going to call whatever happens “rape” because of her poor choices that led to it, but she should be able to say “no, I don’t want to have sex” at any time and be able to stop.

You can continue to watch the train wreck for the rest of her year, then pass her off to another family, or rematch sooner because her poor choices also affect your family’s safety. APs can get stalkers and be victims of their own risky behavior.

As the wife of a naval veteran, I’m offended by this comment. A man (or woman) that has chosen to defend our country deserves our respect, not to be labeled as some sexual predator. The fact that he is in the military is irrelevant to this post.

Whether or not he's in the Navy is irrelevant, so no offense was meant. It was merely a descriptor given by the OP. The fact remains that these are young people "dating" and going overnight somewhere with a hotel reservation. AP is delusional if she thinks that there will not be sex (as indicated by her belief they're going to be in separate beds).

[Anonymous]

If APs don't like families to be in their businness at all, then maybe they should look for other ways to come to the United States that doesn't involve living with a family. This is not a hostel, it's a home. Treat it that way, with respect.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is a flame post mainly because I cannot imagine any universe where a host parent awakened in this manner would book a hotel room for the offending AP and her date?!?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was making the hotel reservation for her because she wanted to utilize my status to get good rooms (upgraded suite) like she usually does when traveling.

She also doesn’t know how to make reservations I don’t think. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t care what she does in her own time or if they have one bed or two.

I actually asked her if she wanted a king (single) or two double beds. She said herself they are sleeping in separate beds.

You are way too involved in her personal life. Aside from addressing her bringing a stranger in your house (a very legitimate concern that should be addressed) I cannot understand your intrusion. If I were your wife I would be concerned about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have to say you are a bit confusing. You post this -


“What would you do in this situation? This is the third time we have warned her about going on dates without telling us (who, where, what), and is clearly taking advantage of us. If I hand not heard the Doorbell Notification and she left without us meeting this guy, she would have been on a plane back home this week!

- My first reaction is to tell her that this is her last warning - one more time it’s back to her country (currently she planning to stay 2y).
- No car usage (besides kids activities) for one week.”

So one minute you are going to send her packing for not introducing you to the dude, and demanding she tell you who, where and what about her dating life, and then bit later you are saying you really don’t care about her dating life and you were prepared to book her a kind sized bed? I’m not trying to be rude, I just don’t understand what you are trying to say. Maybe you just needed a vent? I can relate to that.

I think all HFs agree with you about the no dudes you haven’t met in your home, but other than that, I’m not sure what you’re looking for with your post.

He is quite interested this AP's personal life. That's kind of creepy. Can he let his wife handle these issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP...are you attracted to your AP? You seem awfully hung up on her sex life.

These are my thoughts...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it: AP has a guest house. Guest house implies a separate entrance. Why would she need to have the guy enter the main house, or even herself enter the main house to pack bags for the trip?

If the only entrance to AP’s room is through main house equipped with the Ring, then her quarters are not really private.

OP probably means private guest suite, like a basement. Or if it really is a guest house, the shortest way is to walk through the house to get to it in the back (fenced in pool house) rather than go around.

I think OP has valid concerns. Your AP’s an idiot thinking she can go on an overnight with a young Navy guy and not expect sex (2 beds and sleeping separately is definitely NOT what he intends). Sure, she’s not going to call whatever happens “rape” because of her poor choices that led to it, but she should be able to say “no, I don’t want to have sex” at any time and be able to stop.

You can continue to watch the train wreck for the rest of her year, then pass her off to another family, or rematch sooner because her poor choices also affect your family’s safety. APs can get stalkers and be victims of their own risky behavior.

As the wife of a naval veteran, I’m offended by this comment. A man (or woman) that has chosen to defend our country deserves our respect, not to be labeled as some sexual predator. The fact that he is in the military is irrelevant to this post.

Yep it’s all about you!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it: AP has a guest house. Guest house implies a separate entrance. Why would she need to have the guy enter the main house, or even herself enter the main house to pack bags for the trip?

If the only entrance to AP’s room is through main house equipped with the Ring, then her quarters are not really private.

OP probably means private guest suite, like a basement. Or if it really is a guest house, the shortest way is to walk through the house to get to it in the back (fenced in pool house) rather than go around.

I think OP has valid concerns. Your AP’s an idiot thinking she can go on an overnight with a young Navy guy and not expect sex (2 beds and sleeping separately is definitely NOT what he intends). Sure, she’s not going to call whatever happens “rape” because of her poor choices that led to it, but she should be able to say “no, I don’t want to have sex” at any time and be able to stop.

You can continue to watch the train wreck for the rest of her year, then pass her off to another family, or rematch sooner because her poor choices also affect your family’s safety. APs can get stalkers and be victims of their own risky behavior.

As the wife of a naval veteran, I’m offended by this comment. A man (or woman) that has chosen to defend our country deserves our respect, not to be labeled as some sexual predator. The fact that he is in the military is irrelevant to this post.

Yep it’s all about you!!!

Women who are all about upholding the patriarchy because they benefit...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...are you attracted to your AP? You seem awfully hung up on her sex life.

These are my thoughts...

The gentleman doth protest too much

[Anonymous]

Her living her life is not her “taking advantage of you”. You are way out of line in your thought process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on ap 6 and our on line dating rule is no one picks up at our house.
Meet at bar or whatever.

No males in our home until we meet the ok.
No males spend the night.

We only match over 21 and only 1 ap was a freak/slut who did not work out for other reasons.

Other than that we are not their parents and I really do not care who they sleep with as long as they are not related to anyone in my family or neighbors husbands.

Seriously!?! Freak/slut??? Would you EVER describe a man like this? Your patriarchal view of the works is disgusting. And sexuality is healthy and not something for others to make a judgment call on. You live your life the way you chose, but stop judging women for being themselves, especially when you would never judge a man similarly.