AP Dating Issues - Please Help!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't demand to meet the guys or even ask their names. You can offer to, for safety, but you can't demand it.

The sneaking out and bringing a man into the house in the middle of the night needs to be addressed. Personally I would rematch if she did it again.

No offense but you sound controlling. She's wrong, and sounds like she has poor judgment. But demanding to meet a guy, and thinking that you have the power to send her home (you don't) is over the top. Your relationship with your AP is probably going to suffer some kind of spectacular blow up unless you back off and unless she becomes much more discreet about her colorful sex life.

+1. Our AP met her boyfriend on a dating app. She is an adult, and I don't feel it is our business to monitor her personal activities. When I was in my early 20s, my parents (whom I admittedly did not live with) did not ask where I spent my Saturday night, and I certainly didn't tell them the name of every boy I went out with. Your involvement in her dating seems very intrusive.

I guess my view would change if your AP were 18 or 19. At that age, she seems more like a kid. Our AP is 23.

Bringing home the guy in the middle of the night without asking you would make me really angry too. I think that's a big deal, but you maybe need to separate the stuff about her keeping her dating activities secret and her bringing a stranger to your house. These offenses are not all the same.

[Anonymous]

This thread is weird.
As a hf the only thing I care about what goes on in my house.
AP bringing unknown guy late at night would be a warning then rematch.
Booking hotels? Weird. Knowing who they date? I could care less, if they bring it up great; I’ll act like I am listening and care.

We also host male APs now and a couple have been legendary with their cluster conquests. I think we made our lccs year - her meetings were like a soap opera for drama of who he moved on to next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Everyone, I wanted to quickly get your options on a recent situation we have experimented with our AP.

To give some quick background, our prior local AP coordinator used to have a rule that the AP’s should not use dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, etc. Now that a new AP coordinator is in charge, she said they could use such apps which has now opened up the flood gates to serial dating.

Our AP (21) as been going on a many dates and this weekend decided to go on an out of town trip (3.5 hours away) with a boy (20, in Navy) who she has been seeing for a few weeks. My wife and I told her that we needed to meet this guy before they left to vet him and ensure her safety and security. As her host parents, want her to succeed and make the right choices. The plan was for her to leave on Saturday on the trip.

Last night (Friday), she told us she was going to the gym and then to Target. However, she ended up meeting up with this guy and they decided they would leave on their trip that night instead of Saturday!

Meanwhile, I heard her come home at 12:30 AM via our Ring Doorbell camera, and 30 minutes later she and this guy we have never met are caught on video leaving with her suitcase!! Since I heard the second notification on departure, text her immediately before she was able to leave. Another thing to note is she brought an unknown man into our house while my wife and two kids were sound asleep.

Long story short, I meet the guy in disappointment and they ended up leaving on the trip together. They do have double beds which is good but who knows what will go on. Note, my wife had mentioned to her Birth Control was available if needed but she declined. As you can imagine, I voiced my concerns, documented his divers license, and went over some rules quickly.

/// Help ///
What would you do in this situation? This is the third time we have warned her about going on dates without telling us (who, where, what), and is clearly taking advantage of us. If I hand not heard the Doorbell Notification and she left without us meeting this guy, she would have been on a plane back home this week!

- My first reaction is to tell her that this is her last warning - one more time it’s back to her country (currently she planning to stay 2y).
- No car usage (besides kids activities) for one week.

Any help or suggestions you have for next steps in speaking with her / dealing with this major issue would be appreciated.

OMG, you are a controlling freak!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Everyone, I wanted to quickly get your options on a recent situation we have experimented with our AP.

To give some quick background, our prior local AP coordinator used to have a rule that the AP’s should not use dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, etc. Now that a new AP coordinator is in charge, she said they could use such apps which has now opened up the flood gates to serial dating.

Our AP (21) as been going on a many dates and this weekend decided to go on an out of town trip (3.5 hours away) with a boy (20, in Navy) who she has been seeing for a few weeks. My wife and I told her that we needed to meet this guy before they left to vet him and ensure her safety and security. As her host parents, want her to succeed and make the right choices. The plan was for her to leave on Saturday on the trip.

Last night (Friday), she told us she was going to the gym and then to Target. However, she ended up meeting up with this guy and they decided they would leave on their trip that night instead of Saturday!

Meanwhile, I heard her come home at 12:30 AM via our Ring Doorbell camera, and 30 minutes later she and this guy we have never met are caught on video leaving with her suitcase!! Since I heard the second notification on departure, text her immediately before she was able to leave. Another thing to note is she brought an unknown man into our house while my wife and two kids were sound asleep.

Long story short, I meet the guy in disappointment and they ended up leaving on the trip together. They do have double beds which is good but who knows what will go on. Note, my wife had mentioned to her Birth Control was available if needed but she declined. As you can imagine, I voiced my concerns, documented his divers license, and went over some rules quickly.

/// Help ///
What would you do in this situation? This is the third time we have warned her about going on dates without telling us (who, where, what), and is clearly taking advantage of us. If I hand not heard the Doorbell Notification and she left without us meeting this guy, she would have been on a plane back home this week!

- My first reaction is to tell her that this is her last warning - one more time it’s back to her country (currently she planning to stay 2y).
- No car usage (besides kids activities) for one week.

Any help or suggestions you have for next steps in speaking with her / dealing with this major issue would be appreciated.

You and your wife have serious boundary issues.

1. Her birth control is none of your wife's business
2. His drivers license is none of your business
3. Her sexuality is bone of your business.
4. The number of beds in her hotel room.and what she does in them is none of your business.


You sound like a sexist controlling pig. Not a chance you would have this reaction if you had a 21yr old male AuPair with his female dates.

The only leg you have to stand on here is no visitors without your consent. She would not be sneaking around if you had boundaries and kept your big nose out of her sex life.

This OP is exactly why I have no issues matching with rematch AuPairs. Some house families are absolute psychos and completely out of line and you sir fit squarely in that category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is weird.
As a hf the only thing I care about what goes on in my house.
AP bringing unknown guy late at night would be a warning then rematch.
Booking hotels? Weird. Knowing who they date? I could care less, if they bring it up great; I’ll act like I am listening and care.

We also host male APs now and a couple have been legendary with their cluster conquests. I think we made our lccs year - her meetings were like a soap opera for drama of who he moved on to next.

Well those male APs must be freaks/Sluts! You had better check up on his birth control!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi Everyone, I wanted to quickly get your options on a recent situation we have experimented with our AP.

To give some quick background, our prior local AP coordinator used to have a rule that the AP’s should not use dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, etc. Now that a new AP coordinator is in charge, she said they could use such apps which has now opened up the flood gates to serial dating.

Our AP (21) as been going on a many dates and this weekend decided to go on an out of town trip (3.5 hours away) with a boy (20, in Navy) who she has been seeing for a few weeks. My wife and I told her that we needed to meet this guy before they left to vet him and ensure her safety and security. As her host parents, want her to succeed and make the right choices. The plan was for her to leave on Saturday on the trip.

Last night (Friday), she told us she was going to the gym and then to Target. However, she ended up meeting up with this guy and they decided they would leave on their trip that night instead of Saturday!

Meanwhile, I heard her come home at 12:30 AM via our Ring Doorbell camera, and 30 minutes later she and this guy we have never met are caught on video leaving with her suitcase!! Since I heard the second notification on departure, text her immediately before she was able to leave. Another thing to note is she brought an unknown man into our house while my wife and two kids were sound asleep.

Long story short, I meet the guy in disappointment and they ended up leaving on the trip together. They do have double beds which is good but who knows what will go on. Note, my wife had mentioned to her Birth Control was available if needed but she declined. As you can imagine, I voiced my concerns, documented his divers license, and went over some rules quickly.

/// Help ///
What would you do in this situation? This is the third time we have warned her about going on dates without telling us (who, where, what), and is clearly taking advantage of us. If I hand not heard the Doorbell Notification and she left without us meeting this guy, she would have been on a plane back home this week!

- My first reaction is to tell her that this is her last warning - one more time it’s back to her country (currently she planning to stay 2y).
- No car usage (besides kids activities) for one week.

Any help or suggestions you have for next steps in speaking with her / dealing with this major issue would be appreciated.

You and your wife have serious boundary issues.

1. Her birth control is none of your wife's business
2. His drivers license is none of your business
3. Her sexuality is bone of your business.
4. The number of beds in her hotel room.and what she does in them is none of your business.


You sound like a sexist controlling pig. Not a chance you would have this reaction if you had a 21yr old male AuPair with his female dates.

The only leg you have to stand on here is no visitors without your consent. She would not be sneaking around if you had boundaries and kept your big nose out of her sex life.

This OP is exactly why I have no issues matching with rematch AuPairs. Some house families are absolute psychos and completely out of line and you sir fit squarely in that category.

As a host family, I agree that the host dad here (the OP) is way too controlling.

At the same time, our family had to skirt along for the past few months because our AP got pregnant. We did continue with her because the rules around this seem harsh....but it was hard on all of us...

[Anonymous]

Isn't she opting for an abortion?

Having an anchor baby is a great way to stay in the country and get a zillion benefits. All of our cleaning women have done this.

[Anonymous]

Our ap got pregnant and went home. Agency did not pay for her flight home. We kicked in 250 for her ticket.
She literally had no idea who the father was. She could not even remember the names of some of the guys she hooked up with who were potential candidates.
We never heard from her again, I assume she made it back ok. This was almost 3 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our ap got pregnant and went home. Agency did not pay for her flight home. We kicked in 250 for her ticket.
She literally had no idea who the father was. She could not even remember the names of some of the guys she hooked up with who were potential candidates.
We never heard from her again, I assume she made it back ok. This was almost 3 years ago.

Wow that is rough! I guess she got pregnant right away? How did the agency figure out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't she opting for an abortion?

Having an anchor baby is a great way to stay in the country and get a zillion benefits. All of our cleaning women have done this.

It’s her business whether she decides to parent or not. Not mine. And certainly not yours. And anchor babies? Really? Next thing you know you’ll be advocating for child detention centers. For what it’s worth, she is Swedish—and they would have wayyyyy better benefits than us anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't she opting for an abortion?

Having an anchor baby is a great way to stay in the country and get a zillion benefits. All of our cleaning women have done this.

It’s her business whether she decides to parent or not. Not mine. And certainly not yours. And anchor babies? Really? Next thing you know you’ll be advocating for child detention centers. For what it’s worth, she is Swedish—and they would have wayyyyy better benefits than us anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't she opting for an abortion?

Having an anchor baby is a great way to stay in the country and get a zillion benefits. All of our cleaning women have done this.

It’s her business whether she decides to parent or not. Not mine. And certainly not yours. And anchor babies? Really? Next thing you know you’ll be advocating for child detention centers. For what it’s worth, she is Swedish—and they would have wayyyyy better benefits than us anyway.

Having a US-born child does not guarantee one can remain legally in this country. Are you not familiar with DACA?

[Anonymous]

The US rarely deports women with US-born babies. And those US children get every benefit that you can imagine. I work in a heavily Latino high school and I have first-hand experience daily with this.

Swedish girls want to stay in the country too, just like other nationalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The US rarely deports women with US-born babies. And those US children get every benefit that you can imagine. I work in a heavily Latino high school and I have first-hand experience daily with this.

Swedish girls want to stay in the country too, just like other nationalities.

You work in one high school. I work on policy and data analysis on a national level. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The US rarely deports women with US-born babies. And those US children get every benefit that you can imagine. I work in a heavily Latino high school and I have first-hand experience daily with this.

Swedish girls want to stay in the country too, just like other nationalities.

Not true. Times have changed. And if you are not an LPR who has been in the US for at least 5 years, you are not eligible for most federal benefits.