What can I ask of au pair as "member of family"?
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Anonymous
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We have a 19 year old au pair. She is pleasant and nice, and will ask "what can I do to help" if it's still her work hours and I'm bustling around the kitchen trying to get dinner ready. (I say this to make clear she's not a total do-nothing.) But, she also needs reminders like...you actually do have to keep your room clean, and make your bed, and can't leave your stuff lying all over (same rules as the rest of the family members). Given what appears to be her domestic skill set, my guess is that she didn't have to pull a great deal of weight around home as she doesn't come equipped with a lot of knowledge about meal preparation, cleaning up after yourself in a kitchen, or some of the other stuff one might regard as fairly basic skills. So, I've been working on coaching her on job-specific tasks. She's been receptive but isn't one to take any extra steps (for example, if my spouse leaves a coffee mug on the counter, it will stay there until I get home from work and move it to the dishwasher - and no, we aren't leaving her piles of dirty dishes, it's truly the "one mug" kind of scenario.)
My question though is really about the various tasks we all do as members of the family. For example: making family meals, house cleaning on the weekends, walking the dog several times each day, and as winter approaches, shoveling the sidewalks or driveway (we live in a snowier region than DC). Parents do all family meal preparation, though we get our kids to help as age-appropriate. Kids and parents perform/help with all the other tasks: outdoor stuff, house cleaning, dog walks. What is okay to ask the au pair to do (not exclusively, but on a rotating/shared basis as other family member), and what is not okay? I'm getting a little tired of feeling like I'm hosting a teen slacker and would like to encourage more independence, initiative, and participation. My goal with my own kids is to send them out of our house ready to take care of themselves and their home, and take initiative in doing so rather than waiting for someone else to tell them to do so. Long term host parents, what do you do? Any LCCs want to weigh in? Thank you! |
Anonymous
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I’ve been HM for 6 years. I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. It’s disingenuous to say APs are family members. They’re not. It’s a cultural exchange, but they’re employees. Plain and simple. I’ve found APs appreciate this honesty, and it helps set boundaries. Approaching the HF AP relationship as a “member of the family” never ends well for either party. And, treating an AP like a child isn’t doing her any favors.
She is an adult. Dont tell her to make her bed and clean her room. That’s ridiculous. She is an AP. It’s not her responsibility to clean house on weekends or walk the dog. On the other hand, it’s her responsibility to keep the house tidy when she is taking care of the kids. Tell her it would be nice to clean the mug, but also let her know you don’t expect her to be a housekeeper for adults. Ask her to make 3 meals a week for the kids. Give her recipes. Tell her exactly what you want. Be direct. Don’t feel guilty. She will not do everything you ask. You will have to remind her. Ask several times. That’s normal. Eventually she will catch on. Key is to take emotional charge out of work-related requests. Be warm when she talks about her life and interests. Be kind when she is sick or makes a honest mistake. Be firm about what you need. |
Anonymous
| No, you can't ask her to walk your dog unless she was the one who wanted the dog. Yes, you can ask her to make sure kids walk the dog when she is in charge. Then she is present while kids walk the dog. Make her own bed? Do you also keep an eye on her and tell her don't forget to was her hands? She is not your child and her room is her room. Unless she has food everywhere and bugs are coming to her room then of course. Tell her it's not okay to leave a sandwich on the table for 5 days... It's okay to ask her to take turns and empty dishwasher or help with meal prep (NOT to cook complete meal for you unless it's for children only). Anyway you sound like you want to take advantage of her... |
Anonymous
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Agree with 16:07 that the dog is a no go. Also no to snow shovelling and house cleaning when she is off duty. Ok on once a week family dinner if she has a realistic time to do it given her kid schedule. I also think you should MYOB about whether she makes her bed or not, and urge her to close her door if you are concerned your kids might see an unmade bed and use that as an excuse not to make theirs. I do agree re keeping food trash and other true mess/dirt cleaned up. In fact, we dont allow eating above the first floor of our house because AP1 had food in her closet that attracted mice!
In general, you sound like a nice HP who is trying to justify some additional duties from your AP that strike me as outside the boundaries of the program and likely to cause unhappiness with your AP. |
Anonymous
| Another vote for 16:07. Please do not ask your AP to clean her room or make her bed. While I disagree with the premise that she is your employee, she is not your child. To be honest, I have no idea what my AP's room looks like, whether she makes her bed or pick up her clothes. It's not my business. We state in our handbook that we expect our APs to be respectful members of the household and help with general household chores. So far, we have never had to ask APs to do anything specific. AP helps set the table for family dinners and she helps with the clean-up. Occasionally, she will offer to make the salad. If I don't have time to unload the dish washer in the morning, she does it. But that's pretty much it. |
Anonymous
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I do the “scare at matching” approach with a list in our handbook about detailed expectations. AP must vacuum their room at least every two weeks, change and wash their sheets, clean their bathroom, etc.
I don’t ever ask or enforce it, but it helps weed out the slobs. I’ve had APs tell me they shouldn’t have to clean their own bathroom and pass on our family. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you’re expecting AP to act more like an adult roommate than a teen babysitter.
I know you aspire to send your kids out into the world tidier than AP is living now but don’t count those chickens before they hatch. |
Anonymous
| I host APs and the only days my bed is made are days the maids came. Or my MIL came over but that’s a different topic altogether. |
Anonymous
How is she not your employee? You pay her to work in your house? You did not have a pre-existing relationship with her before she moved into your house. If she doesn't do her job, you will replace her. This is the definition of an employee. You can care about an employee, but that doesn't change the dynamic. Why can't we call a spade a spade? Why is it taboo? |
Anonymous
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From OP "making family meals, house cleaning on the weekends, walking the dog several times each day, and as winter approaches, shoveling the sidewalks or driveway ".
Family meals you can ask now and again, like once a month but be careful what you wish for...most cannot cook. Walking the dog? No...do not even ask. Our APs avoided our dog, and now; after our dog has passed current AP is begging for one to take care of...either way, it is not their job. Shoveling snow - depends. We now have male APs after 5 females and probably would ask...but they like that kind of stuff. The only time we ask our male APs to do anything beyond scope is to move heavy things with DH; they jump at the chance to be a "guy" again and do guy stuff like move furniture or climb things. Females, not so much. Our female APs from places that did not see snow liked the concept of snow, not the reality. I would just stick to the program and be happy you have reliable live in baby sitter service. That really is all it is, and it is great when everyone is on the same page. |
Anonymous
From an exAP... you cannot imagine how annoying that coffee mug is. Especially as it's usually on the counter every single morning. And usually right above the dishwasher. You put it away once and oups, it's now expected you put it away ever morning. Not as if HD couldn't simply open the dishwasher on his own and put the mug away. But why? AP can do it. Now, if he expected HM to do it. Every morning. He'd probably get in trouble eventually. But AP? AP can't complain because if they do? No good. Yes. It's only one mug. But it's just as annoying as the toothpaste that is always left open or the toilet lid that isn't put down or the empty toilet paper role or the shoes in the kitchen or the unmade bed. The daily mug that somebody could have put away but didn't feels so hurtful and disrespected after a while. Is it rational? No. But neither does it really matter if the bed is made or unmade (especially with a door that can simply be closed).
As a HP... yes, "family member chores" tend to be difficult. And we all tend to ask people to do stuff we don't enjoy. "making family meals" - yes, as long as it's on the clock you could. Nothing fancy. But you could ask her to put frozen lasagna in the oven at a certain time or throw together a salad. Maybe together with the kids? However, many young adults can't cool (well), no matter if they are APs or not. Your average college student would most likely not be great at cooking a healthy meal for six, including a bunch of picky children. "house cleaning on the weekends" - meh. Yes? No? How much house cleaning? When on the weekends? On the clock or in her time off? We do as I learned from my HPs. Everybody has a chore and we all clean together but definitely not on the weekend. For some reason Wednesday afternoon / early evening works out best for us. Everybody has a chore (depending on age) to do from taking out the trash to mop the floor or dust. By doing it together, at the same time, as a family activity, it's much easier to include the AP and to make the AP feel less resentful. "walking the dog several times each day" - no. Unless AP loves to walk the dog (or goes running twice a day and doesn't mind the dog coming along). But not, your AP is there to watch your kids, not your pets. She can supervise the kids walking the dog (either tell them to walk the dog, if the kids are old enough to go alone, or watch the kids walk the dog) or feed the cat but pet care is not an AP's job. "shoveling the sidewalks or driveway" - I'd tend to say no. I guess you could ask them to, especially if it snows during the day and AP needs to get out of the garage to pick up the kids but... Seeing that I hate shoveling snow (and we acutally hire somebody to do so) I wouldn't expect my AP to do so. You can ask AP to take out the kitchen trash, get the mail, pick up after the kids, pick up after themselves, load/unload the dishwasher, sweep the hallway, vacuum the living room, wipe her / the kids' bathroom sinks - on the clock. You cannot expect your AP to do heavy-duty cleaning tasks - no washing the windows, no moving furniture to vacuum under them, no waxing hardwood floors, no mowing the lawn... and to me, personally, no shoveling snow. As a PP said, be happy you have reliable live in baby sitter service. If you want a cleaner, hire a cleaning service. If you want both, hire a nanny.
Which is great! But you won't be able to change how your AP was raised within weeks. If that's a trait you expect from your AP - match for it. Or hope that by you teaching your kids to take care of themselves you are also teaching your AP something. |
Anonymous
But there’s an element of cultural exchange, and you provide food and housing to someone not qualified enough to get the job if they were applying against career people. Because of those things, you aren’t required to pay as much, instead you pay a weekly stipend. An employee is paid much more, there’s zero expectation that you’ll know anything about them that doesn’t pertain to the job, and there’s likely to not be any cultural exchange. Moreover, most don’t live with you, and they’re paid a much, much higher wage. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for the responses. To be clear, what I meant with housecleaning tasks and similar would be to participate with us in doing the work as a family - not doing it for us so we don’t have to. More like everyone in the family has a task, and this week it is dusting. We divide and conquer. It’s just hard for me to imagine the au pair can live in our home but not lift a finger to help keep the common spaces clean (like everyone else has to do).
I also feel like this au pair expects me to make all her meals and feed her like she’s our guest. Again, hard for me to imagine it being like that for a year. As for snow or walking the dog once in the middle of the day while she’s home and we’re at work, not a big deal, but those are examples of things any other of our family members would do if home during that time stretch. What I think feels like a disconnect is the expectation to treat the au pair like a family member in terms of including in activities and adventures and gift giving and taking out for meals at restaurants, but the same doesn’t hold true for basic household functions. |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately it’s false marketing that the AP is part of the family, as a capable 19 year old. The APs view themselves as guests, and many never had to clean their room, pick up after themselves, make meals, etc. |
Anonymous
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OP, you are wrong about a few things here.
First, your AP doesn't have to pick up your husband's mug. He does. The AP is not your servant. Today it's just one mug, tomorrow it'll be everybody's breakfast to clean up ... No, the AP doesn't have to walk the dog. You can hire a dog walker or ask her to do so and pay her $. You can ask her to cook for the whole family once or twice a week a simple dinner. That can be considered as being "part of the family". Just like taking the trash out. Indeed she is not part of your family but just an employee who gets $800 per month (very little "pay"), therefore you can't be demanding with her. There is no way she should dust your furniture or shovel snow! |