What can I ask of au pair as "member of family"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. To be clear, what I meant with housecleaning tasks and similar would be to participate with us in doing the work as a family - not doing it for us so we don’t have to. More like everyone in the family has a task, and this week it is dusting. We divide and conquer. It’s just hard for me to imagine the au pair can live in our home but not lift a finger to help keep the common spaces clean (like everyone else has to do).

I also feel like this au pair expects me to make all her meals and feed her like she’s our guest. Again, hard for me to imagine it being like that for a year.

As for snow or walking the dog once in the middle of the day while she’s home and we’re at work, not a big deal, but those are examples of things any other of our family members would do if home during that time stretch.

What I think feels like a disconnect is the expectation to treat the au pair like a family member in terms of including in activities and adventures and gift giving and taking out for meals at restaurants, but the same doesn’t hold true for basic household functions.

You mean she expects to be fed when the whole family is eating (so you have to make an extra portion) or she expects you to make her something extra?

Either way I don’t cook for AP, unless it’s for the whole family. And our current AP is a vegetarian so I don’t cook much for her at all. Sounds like you’re unnecessarily burdening yourself and it’s making you want to unnecessarily burden your AP. Dial back your expectations for her and yourself.

[Anonymous]

We tell APs up front that they are expected to contribute to household chores like a good roommate. This means occasionally taking out the kitchen trash (that everyone uses) or loading/emptying the dishwasher (that everyone uses). Occasionally = between more than being able to count in single digits how many times they've done it all year and not every single day.

In addition, we have a list of chores AP is solely responsible for or in conjunction with the kids, such as keeping the kids' room clean, playroom clean. Clean = empty trash, vacuum carpet, organize books on shelves, laundry and clothes put away, etc. For this, we also have a suggested weekly schedule (kids' room Monday, playroom Tuesday, etc.) and estimated time it takes (15-20 min/day).

Yes, I do feel it's a bit OCD to detail all of these, but I still find that APs forget or ignore things. Without it, however, I found APs barely lifted a finger after being told they need to "clean" up after feeding the kids lunch or seemed completely oblivious to the crumbs on the table or floor. APs need specific instruction on what "clean" means, otherwise they simply don't do it. So, next time, don't just tell AP to keep their room clean. Provide an explicit list that they need to make their bed, vacuum their carpet, etc. regularly.

[Anonymous]

Re 11:00 poster. Fine to provide that list as long as you do it DURING matching, not after. This would be an important indicator to a potential AP that there will be a more rules based approach in this family, which would be good for many but not a good match for all APs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I host APs and the only days my bed is made are days the maids came. Or my MIL came over but that’s a different topic altogether.

Did you really just say maids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for 16:07. Please do not ask your AP to clean her room or make her bed. While I disagree with the premise that she is your employee[u], she is not your child. To be honest, I have no idea what my AP's room looks like, whether she makes her bed or pick up her clothes. It's not my business. We state in our handbook that we expect our APs to be respectful members of the household and help with general household chores. So far, we have never had to ask APs to do anything specific. AP helps set the table for family dinners and she helps with the clean-up. Occasionally, she will offer to make the salad. If I don't have time to unload the dish washer in the morning, she does it. But that's pretty much it.

How is she not your employee? You pay her to work in your house? You did not have a pre-existing relationship with her before she moved into your house. If she doesn't do her job, you will replace her. This is the definition of an employee. You can care about an employee, but that doesn't change the dynamic.

Why can't we call a spade a spade? Why is it taboo?

Because if she is your employee, you are getting super cheap labor, no?

Instead it’s a “cultural experience”.

How much money goes to the state department for the program?

[Anonymous]

Think about an AP as a live in nanny, though it’s super cheaper. Would you ask a live in nanny (not housekeeper) to shovel the snow and dust the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about an AP as a live in nanny, though it’s super cheaper. Would you ask a live in nanny (not housekeeper) to shovel the snow and dust the house?

Would a live in nanny expect us to take her along to all family activities and pay her way? Pout over a vacation she didn’t get to join, all expenses paid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about an AP as a live in nanny, though it’s super cheaper. Would you ask a live in nanny (not housekeeper) to shovel the snow and dust the house?

Would a live in nanny expect us to take her along to all family activities and pay her way? Pout over a vacation she didn’t get to join, all expenses paid?

You didn’t invite your poor AP on your vacation?!

A real nanny would OF COURSE take her vacations in your dime, hello, with your wages! If you’d rather give her the budget for her own trip during your family vacation I’m sure she would have taken it. Personally I find having an AP on vacation helpful.

[Anonymous]

Help empty the DW, or take out trash/recycling if it's full, just like everyone else.

Help with groceries if something is noticeably out.
Spend time together at dinner, or maybe game night/movie night.

I haven't asked but some of my au pairs have wanted to garden, mow the grass, shovel or blow leaves. Their prerogative, not by my asking.

I have her help my kids walk and feed the dog. I have had my pup 4 years and all my APs take him out additional times because they want to, not because I ask.

[Anonymous]

I've seen it referred to repeatedly that we should treat APs like a niece/nephew from out of the country joining us for a year. So they're an extra adult in the house who is working with us but also living there. Anything they contribute to, they can help with. Food? They can empty the dishwasher and make a meal once a week. Trash? They use the trash cans, they can help empty them. Floors? They step on the floors and make messes, they can help vacuum. Now, if I leave a coffee mug on the counter she's not required to pick it up. It would be nice, but if she didn't I'd just roll my eyes and do it. If she left her coffee cup around I'd point it out.

We are very clear in matching that we require their participation in these activities but they are not expected to do more than their share ... and in reality they probably only do about 10% of the work. But they are not a "guest" in the house with no responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re 11:00 poster. Fine to provide that list as long as you do it DURING matching, not after. This would be an important indicator to a potential AP that there will be a more rules based approach in this family, which would be good for many but not a good match for all APs.

We do. And they're not exactly rules because we don't monitor if they get done unless it becomes really obvious. We'll say something about crumbs and carpet fuzz on the floor (which makes it obvious that vacuuming has not occurred in more than a week) but not do a white sock test on the floor of the kids' room. We certainly don't look to see if AP washed her sheets recently or took out her trash unless there's a noticeable stink or hoarder type overflow coming out of her room. It's really to get APs to think hard about matching with us and their own work ethic.

[Anonymous]

Entirely subjective what it means to host an AP, treat them like family or an employee, or like a "niece/nephew from a different country". Family responsibilities can be very different from what the AP grew up with. Some APs grew up contributing around the house;others had housekeepers, cooks, "maids" according to PP; some had helicopter moms who literally did everything for them, even their homework, AP applications, etc. happens in this country, too. It's up to you, OP, to decide what your expectations are, and then be ok with a smaller percentage of it. I had one amazing AP (she was neat and organized, and could cook a meal one time a week, unlike most of my APs) who took out her trash a handful of times during her year, never shoveled, and never walked the dog.

[Anonymous]

When our AP is on the clock she loads/unloads the dishwasher, takes out trash if it's full and generally tidies up after the kids (with their help). She loads/unloads the dishwasher EVERY MORNING during the week and sometimes this means a couple of coffee cups and sometimes in means dishes from yesterday that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher last night. BUT...we do 100% of the kitchen clean up on the weekends (which often means putting her dishes in/out of the dishwasher since we don't do family meals on the weekends). Also, she cooks Blue Apron meals 2x per week but we do the rest: setting the table, cleaning up after dinner, loading dishwasher, etc. and we cook the other two family meals and clean up each week. This seems to work. I think the meal prep kits are great to have AP do. They're nutritious and have detailed directions.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused about where people are saying au pairs should not take care of pets. If an au pair is at home taking care of a young child, and the dog needs to go out, you don't expect the au pair to take the dog out?

[Anonymous]

Our dog is trained to go out 3x per day. Twice with me-- early morning and evening -- and once with the dog walker in the afternoon. It is not my APs job to take care of the dog and that is clearly stated in all AP programs. She also does not scoop the cat litter box.

She is a child care worker.