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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]for example, if my spouse leaves a coffee mug on the counter, it will stay there until I get home from work and move it to the dishwasher[/quote]

From an exAP... you cannot imagine how annoying that coffee mug is. Especially as it's usually on the counter every single morning. And usually right above the dishwasher. You put it away once and oups, it's now expected you put it away ever morning. Not as if HD couldn't simply open the dishwasher on his own and put the mug away. But why? AP can do it. Now, if he expected HM to do it. Every morning. He'd probably get in trouble eventually. But AP? AP can't complain because if they do? No good.

Yes. It's only one mug. But it's just as annoying as the toothpaste that is always left open or the toilet lid that isn't put down or the empty toilet paper role or the shoes in the kitchen or the unmade bed. The daily mug that somebody could have put away but didn't feels so hurtful and disrespected after a while. Is it rational? No. But neither does it really matter if the bed is made or unmade (especially with a door that can simply be closed).

[quote=Anonymous]What is okay to ask the au pair to do (not exclusively, but on a rotating/shared basis as other family member), and what is not okay?[/quote]

As a HP... yes, "family member chores" tend to be difficult. And we all tend to ask people to do stuff we don't enjoy.

"making family meals" - yes, as long as it's on the clock you could. Nothing fancy. But you could ask her to put frozen lasagna in the oven at a certain time or throw together a salad. Maybe together with the kids? However, many young adults can't cool (well), no matter if they are APs or not. Your average college student would most likely not be great at cooking a healthy meal for six, including a bunch of picky children.

"house cleaning on the weekends" - meh. Yes? No? How much house cleaning? When on the weekends? On the clock or in her time off? We do as I learned from my HPs. Everybody has a chore and we all clean together but definitely not on the weekend. For some reason Wednesday afternoon / early evening works out best for us. Everybody has a chore (depending on age) to do from taking out the trash to mop the floor or dust. By doing it together, at the same time, as a family activity, it's much easier to include the AP and to make the AP feel less resentful.

"walking the dog several times each day" - no. Unless AP loves to walk the dog (or goes running twice a day and doesn't mind the dog coming along). But not, your AP is there to watch your kids, not your pets. She can supervise the kids walking the dog (either tell them to walk the dog, if the kids are old enough to go alone, or watch the kids walk the dog) or feed the cat but pet care is not an AP's job.

"shoveling the sidewalks or driveway" - I'd tend to say no. I guess you could ask them to, especially if it snows during the day and AP needs to get out of the garage to pick up the kids but... Seeing that I hate shoveling snow (and we acutally hire somebody to do so) I wouldn't expect my AP to do so.

You can ask AP to take out the kitchen trash, get the mail, pick up after the kids, pick up after themselves, load/unload the dishwasher, sweep the hallway, vacuum the living room, wipe her / the kids' bathroom sinks - on the clock. You cannot expect your AP to do heavy-duty cleaning tasks - no washing the windows, no moving furniture to vacuum under them, no waxing hardwood floors, no mowing the lawn... and to me, personally, no shoveling snow.

As a PP said, be happy you have reliable live in baby sitter service. If you want a cleaner, hire a cleaning service. If you want both, hire a nanny.

[quote=Anonymous]My goal with my own kids is to send them out of our house ready to take care of themselves and their home, and take initiative in doing so rather than waiting for someone else to tell them to do so.[/quote]

Which is great! But you won't be able to change how your AP was raised within weeks. If that's a trait you expect from your AP - match for it. Or hope that by you teaching your kids to take care of themselves you are also teaching your AP something.[/quote]

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