Carpool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:technically, an au pair should not be babysitting other kids. if they are driving another child, and that child's parent is not in the car, the au pair would be babysitting. this is not allowed. people need to figure out their own childcare and stop trying to let others do the work for them.

I would not ask our au pair to drive other children. However we do expect our children to be able to have playdates (this is part of the point of not doing aftercare and having an au pair) and although it's technically against the rules we are very clear about this expectation in the matching process. (Fwiw we are sticklers with regard to literally every other rule.) We are on au pair #4 and all have liked this arrangment--at our kids' ages (6 and 10) having a playdate makes less work for her as the kids are occupied, and also because the kids get invited back to their playmates' houses. It helps that we would not inflict a poorly behaved child on her. If having an au pair meant depriving our kids of a social life we'd exist the program, full stop.

*we'd exit the program, full stop

+1 Exact same for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We hosted for 12 years. It’s absolutely insane for someone to suggest you can’t have an AP drive carpool. We carpooled the entire time we hosted, to and from school, to and from sports, etc. AP oversaw playmates as well. As long as it’s all reciprocal, it’s part of the job. We lived in four states while hosting so had several LCCs. All knew about the carpools and all were 100% fine with it.

Everything is all fine and dandy until an accident occurs.

When you ask your AP to break her visa rules it’s HER you put in danger (alongside with the kids who end up under the care of your AP who is not meant to look after them). The fact that you made your APs break the rules for 12 years is nothing to be proud of. Rather cringe actually.

Stop letting your AP be used as your friend’s babysitter and driver. If they can’t be bothered to bring their own kids to activities why should your AP. It’s okay to offer to do your friends/neighbor a favor if you are the one volunteering to do it and doing the driving, it’s totally not okay to offer to do a favor and then offset the responsibility to your AP making her break her visa rules and putting her in a vulnerable position where any wrong doing (accidental or not) would have a massive impact on her life.


The amount of women who encourage other moms to have their AP break the rules knowing the potential consequences for the AP just because they got away with it is shocking honestly. When you sign a contract, you accept to respect what’s in it. The contract isn’t a guideline you can use to make your own rule or totally dismiss as you see fit, just because it suits you better.

I am 1000 confident and will give you $1m If you can show us a case where an AP was deported for driving a carpool. Your fear mongering is quite bizarre.

Agree. 12:41 poster here. We have said this is part of our setup *in our matching profiles* with four au pairs and two agencies and two LCCs and no one has batted an eye - in face we are commended by au pairs and LCCs alike as a model host family. Everyone is happy. If the didn’t want this they wouldn’t match with us. We are extremely considerate and generous and cautious and law abiding. This is a nonsense issue.

What an agency are you with? A ran this by our LCC and she was like - that's crazy, we would kick them out of the program.

Have you ever heard of a host family actually getting kicked out of the program? I've heard some really messed up stories and the host families are never kicked out.

[Anonymous]

12 year host mom who also has listed carpooling in the profile and has discussed with LCCs and with all APs and BPs prior to matching. We have been with both Apia and ccap in New Jersey, Maryland, and Massachusetts, and have also been told by LCCs and by 12 APs and Bps that we are a model HF. No one from any agency has ever said anything about carpools not being 100% ok except random people on dcum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12 year host mom who also has listed carpooling in the profile and has discussed with LCCs and with all APs and BPs prior to matching. We have been with both Apia and ccap in New Jersey, Maryland, and Massachusetts, and have also been told by LCCs and by 12 APs and Bps that we are a model HF. No one from any agency has ever said anything about carpools not being 100% ok except random people on dcum.

I asked our APIA LCC - and she said "absolutely against the rules."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 year host mom who also has listed carpooling in the profile and has discussed with LCCs and with all APs and BPs prior to matching. We have been with both Apia and ccap in New Jersey, Maryland, and Massachusetts, and have also been told by LCCs and by 12 APs and Bps that we are a model HF. No one from any agency has ever said anything about carpools not being 100% ok except random people on dcum.

I asked our APIA LCC - and she said "absolutely against the rules."

Yes, you mentioned that. You're still not getting it: everyone does it. I am a rule follower in all regards (full stops at stop signs, stickler about 3-1-1 at TSA, everything) including all other au pair program rules, and I do this. Yes there IS a rule again it--so if you ask your LCC about it point blank of COURSE she's going to confirm the rule. She has no choice. What else is she supposed to say? That being said it is a rule that's honored more in the breach than the observance and 99% of HFs will tell you that (as would LCC's if asked off the record).

[Anonymous]

As someone who came to this country as an immigrant myself, I would not be so cavalier and break the rules. I wouldn't put our au pair in the position where she felt that she had to break these rules either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who came to this country as an immigrant myself, I would not be so cavalier and break the rules. I wouldn't put our au pair in the position where she felt that she had to break these rules either.

We are upfront about it before matching, we ask how it's going and if she's feeling comfortable with it (as we do about ALL ASPECTS of life and work--we are very sensitive to how brave it is for a young person to try life in another country and language) and all have been not only OK with the situation but enthusiastic. We match with people who are teachers in training and they understand that kids need play. Also what is it that you're imagining is going to happen to au pairs because their host families have a kid over to play? This scenario is so ludicrous I'm scratching my head. Do you think ICE is monitoring the place in our backyard? Seriously, let's find something real to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who came to this country as an immigrant myself, I would not be so cavalier and break the rules. I wouldn't put our au pair in the position where she felt that she had to break these rules either.

We are upfront about it before matching, we ask how it's going and if she's feeling comfortable with it (as we do about ALL ASPECTS of life and work--we are very sensitive to how brave it is for a young person to try life in another country and language) and all have been not only OK with the situation but enthusiastic. We match with people who are teachers in training and they understand that kids need play. Also what is it that you're imagining is going to happen to au pairs because their host families have a kid over to play? This scenario is so ludicrous I'm scratching my head. Do you think ICE is monitoring the place in our backyard? Seriously, let's find something real to worry about.

You are deliberately conflating issues because you know you are wrong. No one is saying don't help kids socialize. They are saying not put your AP at risk of killing someone else's kid in your car OR make her babysit another person's kid. Your AP, instead could drive your kids and only your kids and watch your kids and only your kids while another adult watches the other kids and drives the other kids. Our AP meets other APs all of the time for play dates. She drives, supervises or toddler, and the other AP drives and supervises her toddlers. I would never let some random adult drive my kid or change my kid's diaper. I would never socialize with other parents who would try to exploit my AP by treating her as their babysitter/driver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who came to this country as an immigrant myself, I would not be so cavalier and break the rules. I wouldn't put our au pair in the position where she felt that she had to break these rules either.

We are upfront about it before matching, we ask how it's going and if she's feeling comfortable with it (as we do about ALL ASPECTS of life and work--we are very sensitive to how brave it is for a young person to try life in another country and language) and all have been not only OK with the situation but enthusiastic. We match with people who are teachers in training and they understand that kids need play. Also what is it that you're imagining is going to happen to au pairs because their host families have a kid over to play? This scenario is so ludicrous I'm scratching my head. Do you think ICE is monitoring the place in our backyard? Seriously, let's find something real to worry about.

You are deliberately conflating issues because you know you are wrong. No one is saying don't help kids socialize. They are saying not put your AP at risk of killing someone else's kid in your car OR make her babysit another person's kid. Your AP, instead could drive your kids and only your kids and watch your kids and only your kids while another adult watches the other kids and drives the other kids. Our AP meets other APs all of the time for play dates. She drives, supervises or toddler, and the other AP drives and supervises her toddlers. I would never let some random adult drive my kid or change my kid's diaper. I would never socialize with other parents who would try to exploit my AP by treating her as their babysitter/driver.

PP here. You are the one conflating. I've posted a couple but not all of many posts arguing much the same point. As I noted in the first of them, my au pair doesn't drive other people's kids. My kids do have playdates. These playdates don't involve childcare for toddlers. They involve elementary school aged kids. I'm perfectly open about what I'm doing and my au pairs who are adult professionals would vouch for me on this. They like me, they extend with me, they recommend me to subsequent au pairs and to our LCCs. There is lots of exploitation in this world, including on the part of some HFs, but this ain't it. Go find another bone to pick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who came to this country as an immigrant myself, I would not be so cavalier and break the rules. I wouldn't put our au pair in the position where she felt that she had to break these rules either.

We are upfront about it before matching, we ask how it's going and if she's feeling comfortable with it (as we do about ALL ASPECTS of life and work--we are very sensitive to how brave it is for a young person to try life in another country and language) and all have been not only OK with the situation but enthusiastic. We match with people who are teachers in training and they understand that kids need play. Also what is it that you're imagining is going to happen to au pairs because their host families have a kid over to play? This scenario is so ludicrous I'm scratching my head. Do you think ICE is monitoring the place in our backyard? Seriously, let's find something real to worry about.

You are deliberately conflating issues because you know you are wrong. No one is saying don't help kids socialize. They are saying not put your AP at risk of killing someone else's kid in your car OR make her babysit another person's kid. Your AP, instead could drive your kids and only your kids and watch your kids and only your kids while another adult watches the other kids and drives the other kids. Our AP meets other APs all of the time for play dates. She drives, supervises or toddler, and the other AP drives and supervises her toddlers. I would never let some random adult drive my kid or change my kid's diaper. I would never socialize with other parents who would try to exploit my AP by treating her as their babysitter/driver.

'

I don't know how many of these anti-playdate posts are from the same person but this one is particularly absurd. NO ONE IS ARGUING THAT AU PAIRS SHOULD CARE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S TODDLERS OR CHANGE DIAPERS. That isn't a play date. This debate is now officially off the rails level stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who came to this country as an immigrant myself, I would not be so cavalier and break the rules. I wouldn't put our au pair in the position where she felt that she had to break these rules either.

We are upfront about it before matching, we ask how it's going and if she's feeling comfortable with it (as we do about ALL ASPECTS of life and work--we are very sensitive to how brave it is for a young person to try life in another country and language) and all have been not only OK with the situation but enthusiastic. We match with people who are teachers in training and they understand that kids need play. Also what is it that you're imagining is going to happen to au pairs because their host families have a kid over to play? This scenario is so ludicrous I'm scratching my head. Do you think ICE is monitoring the place in our backyard? Seriously, let's find something real to worry about.

You obviously have never had a family member questioned for "fitting the profile" and for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Go reflect on your privilege a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who came to this country as an immigrant myself, I would not be so cavalier and break the rules. I wouldn't put our au pair in the position where she felt that she had to break these rules either.

We are upfront about it before matching, we ask how it's going and if she's feeling comfortable with it (as we do about ALL ASPECTS of life and work--we are very sensitive to how brave it is for a young person to try life in another country and language) and all have been not only OK with the situation but enthusiastic. We match with people who are teachers in training and they understand that kids need play. Also what is it that you're imagining is going to happen to au pairs because their host families have a kid over to play? This scenario is so ludicrous I'm scratching my head. Do you think ICE is monitoring the place in our backyard? Seriously, let's find something real to worry about.

You obviously have never had a family member questioned for "fitting the profile" and for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Go reflect on your privilege a bit.

Actually you would be surprised. This discussion is idiotic though. There is a lot of injustice to be dealt with and this conversation is surely a waste of your time and mine. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who came to this country as an immigrant myself, I would not be so cavalier and break the rules. I wouldn't put our au pair in the position where she felt that she had to break these rules either.

We are upfront about it before matching, we ask how it's going and if she's feeling comfortable with it (as we do about ALL ASPECTS of life and work--we are very sensitive to how brave it is for a young person to try life in another country and language) and all have been not only OK with the situation but enthusiastic. We match with people who are teachers in training and they understand that kids need play. Also what is it that you're imagining is going to happen to au pairs because their host families have a kid over to play? This scenario is so ludicrous I'm scratching my head. Do you think ICE is monitoring the place in our backyard? Seriously, let's find something real to worry about.

You obviously have never had a family member questioned for "fitting the profile" and for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Go reflect on your privilege a bit.

Actually you would be surprised. This discussion is idiotic though. There is a lot of injustice to be dealt with and this conversation is surely a waste of your time and mine. Best wishes.

Best wishes to you too. The convo was only a waste of time if you don't try to learn and continue to minimize things that don't impact you. There are people who do worry about ICE on a day to day basis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We hosted for 12 years. It’s absolutely insane for someone to suggest you can’t have an AP drive carpool. We carpooled the entire time we hosted, to and from school, to and from sports, etc. AP oversaw playmates as well. As long as it’s all reciprocal, it’s part of the job. We lived in four states while hosting so had several LCCs. All knew about the carpools and all were 100% fine with it.

Everything is all fine and dandy until an accident occurs.

When you ask your AP to break her visa rules it’s HER you put in danger (alongside with the kids who end up under the care of your AP who is not meant to look after them). The fact that you made your APs break the rules for 12 years is nothing to be proud of. Rather cringe actually.

Stop letting your AP be used as your friend’s babysitter and driver. If they can’t be bothered to bring their own kids to activities why should your AP. It’s okay to offer to do your friends/neighbor a favor if you are the one volunteering to do it and doing the driving, it’s totally not okay to offer to do a favor and then offset the responsibility to your AP making her break her visa rules and putting her in a vulnerable position where any wrong doing (accidental or not) would have a massive impact on her life.


The amount of women who encourage other moms to have their AP break the rules knowing the potential consequences for the AP just because they got away with it is shocking honestly. When you sign a contract, you accept to respect what’s in it. The contract isn’t a guideline you can use to make your own rule or totally dismiss as you see fit, just because it suits you better.

I am 1000 confident and will give you $1m If you can show us a case where an AP was deported for driving a carpool. Your fear mongering is quite bizarre.

Agree. 12:41 poster here. We have said this is part of our setup *in our matching profiles* with four au pairs and two agencies and two LCCs and no one has batted an eye - in face we are commended by au pairs and LCCs alike as a model host family. Everyone is happy. If the didn’t want this they wouldn’t match with us. We are extremely considerate and generous and cautious and law abiding. This is a nonsense issue.

What an agency are you with? A ran this by our LCC and she was like - that's crazy, we would kick them out of the program.

Calling BS on this one.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree. The LCC knows it would kill the program
To take that position.

I disagree that driving an older child (over 5) to practice and dropping him/her off and any other carpool is “babysitting.” Or caring for another child.

So this premise is totally wrong.

And as someone said, au pairs are covered by your driving insurance. So god forbid anything happens, you and her are covered. As is the other child.

By Felicia.