Carpool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Playdates were kids of both families are playing together while being overlooked by their respective caregiver: okay.

Playdates were people drop off their kids to be looked after by the AP: Not Okay.

If I asked my LCC if the kids can have a playdate she would say “of course!” , if I asked her if it would be okay for me to let neighbors and friends drop off their kids and for my AP to watch them for free. She would say “absolutely not.”

“Playdates” is a normal thing kids have so of course if you ask an AP or a LCC whether or not playdates are allowed and they would be okay taking kids to playdates, they would say yes. When I organize playdates it’s 99% me meeting parents at a park where they look after their own kids and I look after mine and the kids play together, very rarely is playdate “drop off your kids at mine and come pick them up in a couple hours when you are done enjoying your kid-free time/running errands.” , if it was (and I understand it might be the case for tweens) I would feel it’s the responsibility of the host parents to be there to overlook it and if not, at the very least, for the other parents of the kids that are dropped off to offer and pay the Au Pair for what is actually and essentially babysitting.

How people can think “playdates” were the AP is left alone with other people kids for a couple hours isn’t babysitting and would be okay is nuts.

And I am sure parents who pretend they write it on their profiles aren’t actually saying “ oh and on Wednesdays and Fridays you will be looking after Johnny and Allison, the Neighbors for 3 hours, for free.” But probably write. “ the kids have playdates twice a week with the neighbors that we hope the perfect AP will help maintain and coordinate as our kids love playing together, they are only a 5 minutes walk away!.”

So yes of course, wording B probably wouldn’t get flagged while wording A totally would.

Carpooling 5 minutes from point A to B is different but for all the reasons previously mentioned also not acceptable.

Can’t believe the amount of people who are willingly trying to find loopholes to abuse the system and have their AP do free work for extra risks and very little reward.

A playdate isn't free childcare. This isn't like, "every day after school the kid comes to my house so the parent doesn't pay for aftercare." a playdate is an occasional thing, for a kid who has a regular care arrangement. no one is paying less for childcare by sending their kid on a playdate. usually they're reciprocated, meaning the au pair's host kid goes to the other house as often as the other kid comes to the au pair's house.... see?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a slippery slope. We have neighbors who see our AP as built in babysitter for their kids. Car pool here and there, babysitting requests follow, then playdates where they vanish for hours and expect your AP to watch all the kids.

Just say no at the beginning and make it clear to AP about the expectations.

Yes, we had this situation. Generosity lead to abuse. We had to tell the mom if she wanted help she would need to pay our AP a minimum imum of $10/hr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a slippery slope. We have neighbors who see our AP as built in babysitter for their kids. Car pool here and there, babysitting requests follow, then playdates where they vanish for hours and expect your AP to watch all the kids.

Just say no at the beginning and make it clear to AP about the expectations.

Yes, we had this situation. Generosity lead to abuse. We had to tell the mom if she wanted help she would need to pay our AP a minimum of $10/hr.

I am firmly in camp pro-playdate here, but I would nip this in the bud. Neighbor mom shouldn't communicate with au pair if she's this tye, everything should go through HF and playdates should be invited by AP or HF, not requested by someone else. I had a neighbor who used to text our nanny asking if she would *come to her house to watch her kids.* i put an end to that, then she tried it with our AP, once i got one, and i put an end to it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Playdates were kids of both families are playing together while being overlooked by their respective caregiver: okay.

Playdates were people drop off their kids to be looked after by the AP: Not Okay.

If I asked my LCC if the kids can have a playdate she would say “of course!” , if I asked her if it would be okay for me to let neighbors and friends drop off their kids and for my AP to watch them for free. She would say “absolutely not.”

“Playdates” is a normal thing kids have so of course if you ask an AP or a LCC whether or not playdates are allowed and they would be okay taking kids to playdates, they would say yes. When I organize playdates it’s 99% me meeting parents at a park where they look after their own kids and I look after mine and the kids play together, very rarely is playdate “drop off your kids at mine and come pick them up in a couple hours when you are done enjoying your kid-free time/running errands.” , if it was (and I understand it might be the case for tweens) I would feel it’s the responsibility of the host parents to be there to overlook it and if not, at the very least, for the other parents of the kids that are dropped off to offer and pay the Au Pair for what is actually and essentially babysitting.

How people can think “playdates” were the AP is left alone with other people kids for a couple hours isn’t babysitting and would be okay is nuts.

And I am sure parents who pretend they write it on their profiles aren’t actually saying “ oh and on Wednesdays and Fridays you will be looking after Johnny and Allison, the Neighbors for 3 hours, for free.” But probably write. “ the kids have playdates twice a week with the neighbors that we hope the perfect AP will help maintain and coordinate as our kids love playing together, they are only a 5 minutes walk away!.”

So yes of course, wording B probably wouldn’t get flagged while wording A totally would.

Carpooling 5 minutes from point A to B is different but for all the reasons previously mentioned also not acceptable.

Can’t believe the amount of people who are willingly trying to find loopholes to abuse the system and have their AP do free work for extra risks and very little reward.

you're really barking up the wrong tree here. we discussed this with all au pairs prior to matching. they all had excellent english and they all knew what they were getting into and they all like the playdates and in fact set them up themselves after the first month or so. we pay our au pairs quite a bit more than minimum stipend, have them work fewer than the max hours, and provide many extra perks. why do you assume that having playdates = exploitation? there are lots of terrible HFs out there, but of all the things I've heard (people leaving their kids alone with the au pair for days at a time while they travel, people making their au pairs work off debt for medical expenses, people not giving au pair time off work after she was HIT BY A CAR and on crutches, people giving everyone in the family an xmas stocking including the dog but not an au pair, and like 50 other crazy stories) the thing you're latched onto--older kids having a playdate--doesn't even make sense. the au pair of older children typically WANTS because it's less work for her (with older kids, playdate means you don't have to entertain the kid, break up sibling quarreling, etc.) we're long-term program participants. I get that you've got your knickers in a twist here but please find something else to worry about.

A lot of APs are unaware of the rules, so they wouldn’t necessarily know you were proposing something that could get you/APs kicked out of the program. You don’t have any justification for your behavior here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Playdates were kids of both families are playing together while being overlooked by their respective caregiver: okay.

Playdates were people drop off their kids to be looked after by the AP: Not Okay.

If I asked my LCC if the kids can have a playdate she would say “of course!” , if I asked her if it would be okay for me to let neighbors and friends drop off their kids and for my AP to watch them for free. She would say “absolutely not.”

“Playdates” is a normal thing kids have so of course if you ask an AP or a LCC whether or not playdates are allowed and they would be okay taking kids to playdates, they would say yes. When I organize playdates it’s 99% me meeting parents at a park where they look after their own kids and I look after mine and the kids play together, very rarely is playdate “drop off your kids at mine and come pick them up in a couple hours when you are done enjoying your kid-free time/running errands.” , if it was (and I understand it might be the case for tweens) I would feel it’s the responsibility of the host parents to be there to overlook it and if not, at the very least, for the other parents of the kids that are dropped off to offer and pay the Au Pair for what is actually and essentially babysitting.

How people can think “playdates” were the AP is left alone with other people kids for a couple hours isn’t babysitting and would be okay is nuts.

And I am sure parents who pretend they write it on their profiles aren’t actually saying “ oh and on Wednesdays and Fridays you will be looking after Johnny and Allison, the Neighbors for 3 hours, for free.” But probably write. “ the kids have playdates twice a week with the neighbors that we hope the perfect AP will help maintain and coordinate as our kids love playing together, they are only a 5 minutes walk away!.”

So yes of course, wording B probably wouldn’t get flagged while wording A totally would.

Carpooling 5 minutes from point A to B is different but for all the reasons previously mentioned also not acceptable.

Can’t believe the amount of people who are willingly trying to find loopholes to abuse the system and have their AP do free work for extra risks and very little reward.

you're really barking up the wrong tree here. we discussed this with all au pairs prior to matching. they all had excellent english and they all knew what they were getting into and they all like the playdates and in fact set them up themselves after the first month or so. we pay our au pairs quite a bit more than minimum stipend, have them work fewer than the max hours, and provide many extra perks. why do you assume that having playdates = exploitation? there are lots of terrible HFs out there, but of all the things I've heard (people leaving their kids alone with the au pair for days at a time while they travel, people making their au pairs work off debt for medical expenses, people not giving au pair time off work after she was HIT BY A CAR and on crutches, people giving everyone in the family an xmas stocking including the dog but not an au pair, and like 50 other crazy stories) the thing you're latched onto--older kids having a playdate--doesn't even make sense. the au pair of older children typically WANTS because it's less work for her (with older kids, playdate means you don't have to entertain the kid, break up sibling quarreling, etc.) we're long-term program participants. I get that you've got your knickers in a twist here but please find something else to worry about.

A lot of APs are unaware of the rules, so they wouldn’t necessarily know you were proposing something that could get you/APs kicked out of the program. You don’t have any justification for your behavior here.

But the agency and the LCCs know about what I'm doing and don't think it's in violation of the rules. The rule you're citing is meant to prevent people who are trying to do au pair shares and that sort of thing. Like many poorly written rules and laws it's perhaps over broad in its wording and open to misinterpretation, but I've yet to hear of it being applied in the way that you're imagining. Can you please provide any details on anyone who got kicked out of the program for allowing their older kid to have a friend over? Which agency, which city, year, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Playdates were kids of both families are playing together while being overlooked by their respective caregiver: okay.

Playdates were people drop off their kids to be looked after by the AP: Not Okay.

If I asked my LCC if the kids can have a playdate she would say “of course!” , if I asked her if it would be okay for me to let neighbors and friends drop off their kids and for my AP to watch them for free. She would say “absolutely not.”

“Playdates” is a normal thing kids have so of course if you ask an AP or a LCC whether or not playdates are allowed and they would be okay taking kids to playdates, they would say yes. When I organize playdates it’s 99% me meeting parents at a park where they look after their own kids and I look after mine and the kids play together, very rarely is playdate “drop off your kids at mine and come pick them up in a couple hours when you are done enjoying your kid-free time/running errands.” , if it was (and I understand it might be the case for tweens) I would feel it’s the responsibility of the host parents to be there to overlook it and if not, at the very least, for the other parents of the kids that are dropped off to offer and pay the Au Pair for what is actually and essentially babysitting.

How people can think “playdates” were the AP is left alone with other people kids for a couple hours isn’t babysitting and would be okay is nuts.

And I am sure parents who pretend they write it on their profiles aren’t actually saying “ oh and on Wednesdays and Fridays you will be looking after Johnny and Allison, the Neighbors for 3 hours, for free.” But probably write. “ the kids have playdates twice a week with the neighbors that we hope the perfect AP will help maintain and coordinate as our kids love playing together, they are only a 5 minutes walk away!.”

So yes of course, wording B probably wouldn’t get flagged while wording A totally would.

Carpooling 5 minutes from point A to B is different but for all the reasons previously mentioned also not acceptable.

Can’t believe the amount of people who are willingly trying to find loopholes to abuse the system and have their AP do free work for extra risks and very little reward.

you're really barking up the wrong tree here. we discussed this with all au pairs prior to matching. they all had excellent english and they all knew what they were getting into and they all like the playdates and in fact set them up themselves after the first month or so. we pay our au pairs quite a bit more than minimum stipend, have them work fewer than the max hours, and provide many extra perks. why do you assume that having playdates = exploitation? there are lots of terrible HFs out there, but of all the things I've heard (people leaving their kids alone with the au pair for days at a time while they travel, people making their au pairs work off debt for medical expenses, people not giving au pair time off work after she was HIT BY A CAR and on crutches, people giving everyone in the family an xmas stocking including the dog but not an au pair, and like 50 other crazy stories) the thing you're latched onto--older kids having a playdate--doesn't even make sense. the au pair of older children typically WANTS because it's less work for her (with older kids, playdate means you don't have to entertain the kid, break up sibling quarreling, etc.) we're long-term program participants. I get that you've got your knickers in a twist here but please find something else to worry about.

A lot of APs are unaware of the rules, so they wouldn’t necessarily know you were proposing something that could get you/APs kicked out of the program. You don’t have any justification for your behavior here.

But the agency and the LCCs know about what I'm doing and don't think it's in violation of the rules. The rule you're citing is meant to prevent people who are trying to do au pair shares and that sort of thing. Like many poorly written rules and laws it's perhaps over broad in its wording and open to misinterpretation, but I've yet to hear of it being applied in the way that you're imagining. Can you please provide any details on anyone who got kicked out of the program for allowing their older kid to have a friend over? Which agency, which city, year, etc?

I asked our LCC about your interpretation - and she said you are incorrect - the multiple rules and laws are designed to prevent abuse of the AP, e.g., by having her be responsible for kids which are not her charges - if the other family is NOT paying her (she is doing uncompensated labor - and you are breaking the rules by letting her be exploited by them) OR they ARE paying her which means she is working illegally outside the terms of her visa (and you in facilitating this, are conspiring to violate her visa and potentially conspiring to violate state/federal labor laws). You are misinterpreting the law -clearly to your benefit, doubtful that is it to the AP's because she can't really give informed consent b/c you would threaten rematch. Our LCC (DC) says APIA has thrown families out for this misconduct, but does not punish the APs unless they are accepting money, because they assume that the family is the bad apple. In their training, they are not told not to be left alone with children who are not the AP's charges and if it happens, are told to report the family's misconduct. The proper way to facilitate such play dates is for the AP to bring a book on-site until the play date is over. The AP should NOT be driving kids outside the HF unless there is another adult in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Playdates were kids of both families are playing together while being overlooked by their respective caregiver: okay.

Playdates were people drop off their kids to be looked after by the AP: Not Okay.

If I asked my LCC if the kids can have a playdate she would say “of course!” , if I asked her if it would be okay for me to let neighbors and friends drop off their kids and for my AP to watch them for free. She would say “absolutely not.”

“Playdates” is a normal thing kids have so of course if you ask an AP or a LCC whether or not playdates are allowed and they would be okay taking kids to playdates, they would say yes. When I organize playdates it’s 99% me meeting parents at a park where they look after their own kids and I look after mine and the kids play together, very rarely is playdate “drop off your kids at mine and come pick them up in a couple hours when you are done enjoying your kid-free time/running errands.” , if it was (and I understand it might be the case for tweens) I would feel it’s the responsibility of the host parents to be there to overlook it and if not, at the very least, for the other parents of the kids that are dropped off to offer and pay the Au Pair for what is actually and essentially babysitting.

How people can think “playdates” were the AP is left alone with other people kids for a couple hours isn’t babysitting and would be okay is nuts.

And I am sure parents who pretend they write it on their profiles aren’t actually saying “ oh and on Wednesdays and Fridays you will be looking after Johnny and Allison, the Neighbors for 3 hours, for free.” But probably write. “ the kids have playdates twice a week with the neighbors that we hope the perfect AP will help maintain and coordinate as our kids love playing together, they are only a 5 minutes walk away!.”

So yes of course, wording B probably wouldn’t get flagged while wording A totally would.

Carpooling 5 minutes from point A to B is different but for all the reasons previously mentioned also not acceptable.

Can’t believe the amount of people who are willingly trying to find loopholes to abuse the system and have their AP do free work for extra risks and very little reward.

you're really barking up the wrong tree here. we discussed this with all au pairs prior to matching. they all had excellent english and they all knew what they were getting into and they all like the playdates and in fact set them up themselves after the first month or so. we pay our au pairs quite a bit more than minimum stipend, have them work fewer than the max hours, and provide many extra perks. why do you assume that having playdates = exploitation? there are lots of terrible HFs out there, but of all the things I've heard (people leaving their kids alone with the au pair for days at a time while they travel, people making their au pairs work off debt for medical expenses, people not giving au pair time off work after she was HIT BY A CAR and on crutches, people giving everyone in the family an xmas stocking including the dog but not an au pair, and like 50 other crazy stories) the thing you're latched onto--older kids having a playdate--doesn't even make sense. the au pair of older children typically WANTS because it's less work for her (with older kids, playdate means you don't have to entertain the kid, break up sibling quarreling, etc.) we're long-term program participants. I get that you've got your knickers in a twist here but please find something else to worry about.

A lot of APs are unaware of the rules, so they wouldn’t necessarily know you were proposing something that could get you/APs kicked out of the program. You don’t have any justification for your behavior here.

But the agency and the LCCs know about what I'm doing and don't think it's in violation of the rules. The rule you're citing is meant to prevent people who are trying to do au pair shares and that sort of thing. Like many poorly written rules and laws it's perhaps over broad in its wording and open to misinterpretation, but I've yet to hear of it being applied in the way that you're imagining. Can you please provide any details on anyone who got kicked out of the program for allowing their older kid to have a friend over? Which agency, which city, year, etc?

I asked our LCC about your interpretation - and she said you are incorrect - the multiple rules and laws are designed to prevent abuse of the AP, e.g., by having her be responsible for kids which are not her charges - if the other family is NOT paying her (she is doing uncompensated labor - and you are breaking the rules by letting her be exploited by them) OR they ARE paying her which means she is working illegally outside the terms of her visa (and you in facilitating this, are conspiring to violate her visa and potentially conspiring to violate state/federal labor laws). You are misinterpreting the law -clearly to your benefit, doubtful that is it to the AP's because she can't really give informed consent b/c you would threaten rematch. Our LCC (DC) says APIA has thrown families out for this misconduct, but does not punish the APs unless they are accepting money, because they assume that the family is the bad apple. In their training, they are not told not to be left alone with children who are not the AP's charges and if it happens, are told to report the family's misconduct. The proper way to facilitate such play dates is for the AP to bring a book on-site until the play date is over. The AP should NOT be driving kids outside the HF unless there is another adult in the car.

Interesting. I guess we have a case of our LCCs (CC and APIA in MD) vs yours in DC with APIA. I wish the programs kicked our more "bad family" HFs, as I think there are many, but I will take comfort in knowing that we aren't one. Our APs do know what they are getting into--they all have been excellent English speakers, trained teachers with more than a little experience, who actually HAVE read the rules. (We are pretty sticklerish and we find people who are that way as well.) We talk about playdates in the interviews, and we insist that they speak to at *least* two of our past au pairs before matching. So if anyone felt exploited, that information would be passed along at that juncture. Moreovoer, our APs tend to extend with us. They know, and we know, that we are going way above and beyond for them, and that playdates aren't about getting extra work out of them. In general I veer toward the excessive end of conscientious but I'm just not going to lose sleep over this one. That being said, I do wish the program would deal more aggressively with families who actually exploit their au pairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Playdates were kids of both families are playing together while being overlooked by their respective caregiver: okay.

Playdates were people drop off their kids to be looked after by the AP: Not Okay.

If I asked my LCC if the kids can have a playdate she would say “of course!” , if I asked her if it would be okay for me to let neighbors and friends drop off their kids and for my AP to watch them for free. She would say “absolutely not.”

“Playdates” is a normal thing kids have so of course if you ask an AP or a LCC whether or not playdates are allowed and they would be okay taking kids to playdates, they would say yes. When I organize playdates it’s 99% me meeting parents at a park where they look after their own kids and I look after mine and the kids play together, very rarely is playdate “drop off your kids at mine and come pick them up in a couple hours when you are done enjoying your kid-free time/running errands.” , if it was (and I understand it might be the case for tweens) I would feel it’s the responsibility of the host parents to be there to overlook it and if not, at the very least, for the other parents of the kids that are dropped off to offer and pay the Au Pair for what is actually and essentially babysitting.

How people can think “playdates” were the AP is left alone with other people kids for a couple hours isn’t babysitting and would be okay is nuts.

And I am sure parents who pretend they write it on their profiles aren’t actually saying “ oh and on Wednesdays and Fridays you will be looking after Johnny and Allison, the Neighbors for 3 hours, for free.” But probably write. “ the kids have playdates twice a week with the neighbors that we hope the perfect AP will help maintain and coordinate as our kids love playing together, they are only a 5 minutes walk away!.”

So yes of course, wording B probably wouldn’t get flagged while wording A totally would.

Carpooling 5 minutes from point A to B is different but for all the reasons previously mentioned also not acceptable.

Can’t believe the amount of people who are willingly trying to find loopholes to abuse the system and have their AP do free work for extra risks and very little reward.

you're really barking up the wrong tree here. we discussed this with all au pairs prior to matching. they all had excellent english and they all knew what they were getting into and they all like the playdates and in fact set them up themselves after the first month or so. we pay our au pairs quite a bit more than minimum stipend, have them work fewer than the max hours, and provide many extra perks. why do you assume that having playdates = exploitation? there are lots of terrible HFs out there, but of all the things I've heard (people leaving their kids alone with the au pair for days at a time while they travel, people making their au pairs work off debt for medical expenses, people not giving au pair time off work after she was HIT BY A CAR and on crutches, people giving everyone in the family an xmas stocking including the dog but not an au pair, and like 50 other crazy stories) the thing you're latched onto--older kids having a playdate--doesn't even make sense. the au pair of older children typically WANTS because it's less work for her (with older kids, playdate means you don't have to entertain the kid, break up sibling quarreling, etc.) we're long-term program participants. I get that you've got your knickers in a twist here but please find something else to worry about.

A lot of APs are unaware of the rules, so they wouldn’t necessarily know you were proposing something that could get you/APs kicked out of the program. You don’t have any justification for your behavior here.

But the agency and the LCCs know about what I'm doing and don't think it's in violation of the rules. The rule you're citing is meant to prevent people who are trying to do au pair shares and that sort of thing. Like many poorly written rules and laws it's perhaps over broad in its wording and open to misinterpretation, but I've yet to hear of it being applied in the way that you're imagining. Can you please provide any details on anyone who got kicked out of the program for allowing their older kid to have a friend over? Which agency, which city, year, etc?

I asked our LCC about your interpretation - and she said you are incorrect - the multiple rules and laws are designed to prevent abuse of the AP, e.g., by having her be responsible for kids which are not her charges - if the other family is NOT paying her (she is doing uncompensated labor - and you are breaking the rules by letting her be exploited by them) OR they ARE paying her which means she is working illegally outside the terms of her visa (and you in facilitating this, are conspiring to violate her visa and potentially conspiring to violate state/federal labor laws). You are misinterpreting the law -clearly to your benefit, doubtful that is it to the AP's because she can't really give informed consent b/c you would threaten rematch. Our LCC (DC) says APIA has thrown families out for this misconduct, but does not punish the APs unless they are accepting money, because they assume that the family is the bad apple. In their training, they are not told not to be left alone with children who are not the AP's charges and if it happens, are told to report the family's misconduct. The proper way to facilitate such play dates is for the AP to bring a book on-site until the play date is over. The AP should NOT be driving kids outside the HF unless there is another adult in the car.

Interesting. I guess we have a case of our LCCs (CC and APIA in MD) vs yours in DC with APIA. I wish the programs kicked our more "bad family" HFs, as I think there are many, but I will take comfort in knowing that we aren't one. Our APs do know what they are getting into--they all have been excellent English speakers, trained teachers with more than a little experience, who actually HAVE read the rules. (We are pretty sticklerish and we find people who are that way as well.) We talk about playdates in the interviews, and we insist that they speak to at *least* two of our past au pairs before matching. So if anyone felt exploited, that information would be passed along at that juncture. Moreovoer, our APs tend to extend with us. They know, and we know, that we are going way above and beyond for them, and that playdates aren't about getting extra work out of them. In general I veer toward the excessive end of conscientious but I'm just not going to lose sleep over this one. That being said, I do wish the program would deal more aggressively with families who actually exploit their au pairs.

PP here with quick PS - the solution the previous au pair suggests (have the au pair go along to the kids' playdates with a book) just isn't viable with more than one child and with older kids. My 12 year old can't show up at a playdate with an au pair and 7 year old brother in tow. She's way past that age. So in practice, if this rule were aggressively enforced in the way you're suggesting it should be, the program would empty of families of kids above about 8. I literally don't know of any families in the program past that point who say that their kids can't socialize while the au pair is on duty. It doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Playdates were kids of both families are playing together while being overlooked by their respective caregiver: okay.

Playdates were people drop off their kids to be looked after by the AP: Not Okay.

If I asked my LCC if the kids can have a playdate she would say “of course!” , if I asked her if it would be okay for me to let neighbors and friends drop off their kids and for my AP to watch them for free. She would say “absolutely not.”

“Playdates” is a normal thing kids have so of course if you ask an AP or a LCC whether or not playdates are allowed and they would be okay taking kids to playdates, they would say yes. When I organize playdates it’s 99% me meeting parents at a park where they look after their own kids and I look after mine and the kids play together, very rarely is playdate “drop off your kids at mine and come pick them up in a couple hours when you are done enjoying your kid-free time/running errands.” , if it was (and I understand it might be the case for tweens) I would feel it’s the responsibility of the host parents to be there to overlook it and if not, at the very least, for the other parents of the kids that are dropped off to offer and pay the Au Pair for what is actually and essentially babysitting.

How people can think “playdates” were the AP is left alone with other people kids for a couple hours isn’t babysitting and would be okay is nuts.

And I am sure parents who pretend they write it on their profiles aren’t actually saying “ oh and on Wednesdays and Fridays you will be looking after Johnny and Allison, the Neighbors for 3 hours, for free.” But probably write. “ the kids have playdates twice a week with the neighbors that we hope the perfect AP will help maintain and coordinate as our kids love playing together, they are only a 5 minutes walk away!.”

So yes of course, wording B probably wouldn’t get flagged while wording A totally would.

Carpooling 5 minutes from point A to B is different but for all the reasons previously mentioned also not acceptable.

Can’t believe the amount of people who are willingly trying to find loopholes to abuse the system and have their AP do free work for extra risks and very little reward.

you're really barking up the wrong tree here. we discussed this with all au pairs prior to matching. they all had excellent english and they all knew what they were getting into and they all like the playdates and in fact set them up themselves after the first month or so. we pay our au pairs quite a bit more than minimum stipend, have them work fewer than the max hours, and provide many extra perks. why do you assume that having playdates = exploitation? there are lots of terrible HFs out there, but of all the things I've heard (people leaving their kids alone with the au pair for days at a time while they travel, people making their au pairs work off debt for medical expenses, people not giving au pair time off work after she was HIT BY A CAR and on crutches, people giving everyone in the family an xmas stocking including the dog but not an au pair, and like 50 other crazy stories) the thing you're latched onto--older kids having a playdate--doesn't even make sense. the au pair of older children typically WANTS because it's less work for her (with older kids, playdate means you don't have to entertain the kid, break up sibling quarreling, etc.) we're long-term program participants. I get that you've got your knickers in a twist here but please find something else to worry about.

A lot of APs are unaware of the rules, so they wouldn’t necessarily know you were proposing something that could get you/APs kicked out of the program. You don’t have any justification for your behavior here.

But the agency and the LCCs know about what I'm doing and don't think it's in violation of the rules. The rule you're citing is meant to prevent people who are trying to do au pair shares and that sort of thing. Like many poorly written rules and laws it's perhaps over broad in its wording and open to misinterpretation, but I've yet to hear of it being applied in the way that you're imagining. Can you please provide any details on anyone who got kicked out of the program for allowing their older kid to have a friend over? Which agency, which city, year, etc?

I asked our LCC about your interpretation - and she said you are incorrect - the multiple rules and laws are designed to prevent abuse of the AP, e.g., by having her be responsible for kids which are not her charges - if the other family is NOT paying her (she is doing uncompensated labor - and you are breaking the rules by letting her be exploited by them) OR they ARE paying her which means she is working illegally outside the terms of her visa (and you in facilitating this, are conspiring to violate her visa and potentially conspiring to violate state/federal labor laws). You are misinterpreting the law -clearly to your benefit, doubtful that is it to the AP's because she can't really give informed consent b/c you would threaten rematch. Our LCC (DC) says APIA has thrown families out for this misconduct, but does not punish the APs unless they are accepting money, because they assume that the family is the bad apple. In their training, they are not told not to be left alone with children who are not the AP's charges and if it happens, are told to report the family's misconduct. The proper way to facilitate such play dates is for the AP to bring a book on-site until the play date is over. The AP should NOT be driving kids outside the HF unless there is another adult in the car.

Interesting. I guess we have a case of our LCCs (CC and APIA in MD) vs yours in DC with APIA. I wish the programs kicked our more "bad family" HFs, as I think there are many, but I will take comfort in knowing that we aren't one. Our APs do know what they are getting into--they all have been excellent English speakers, trained teachers with more than a little experience, who actually HAVE read the rules. (We are pretty sticklerish and we find people who are that way as well.) We talk about playdates in the interviews, and we insist that they speak to at *least* two of our past au pairs before matching. So if anyone felt exploited, that information would be passed along at that juncture. Moreovoer, our APs tend to extend with us. They know, and we know, that we are going way above and beyond for them, and that playdates aren't about getting extra work out of them. In general I veer toward the excessive end of conscientious but I'm just not going to lose sleep over this one. That being said, I do wish the program would deal more aggressively with families who actually exploit their au pairs.

PP here with quick PS - the solution the previous au pair suggests (have the au pair go along to the kids' playdates with a book) just isn't viable with more than one child and with older kids. My 12 year old can't show up at a playdate with an au pair and 7 year old brother in tow. She's way past that age. So in practice, if this rule were aggressively enforced in the way you're suggesting it should be, the program would empty of families of kids above about 8. I literally don't know of any families in the program past that point who say that their kids can't socialize while the au pair is on duty. It doesn't make sense.

**meant to type: the solution previous POSTER suggests

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Playdates were kids of both families are playing together while being overlooked by their respective caregiver: okay.

Playdates were people drop off their kids to be looked after by the AP: Not Okay.

If I asked my LCC if the kids can have a playdate she would say “of course!” , if I asked her if it would be okay for me to let neighbors and friends drop off their kids and for my AP to watch them for free. She would say “absolutely not.”

“Playdates” is a normal thing kids have so of course if you ask an AP or a LCC whether or not playdates are allowed and they would be okay taking kids to playdates, they would say yes. When I organize playdates it’s 99% me meeting parents at a park where they look after their own kids and I look after mine and the kids play together, very rarely is playdate “drop off your kids at mine and come pick them up in a couple hours when you are done enjoying your kid-free time/running errands.” , if it was (and I understand it might be the case for tweens) I would feel it’s the responsibility of the host parents to be there to overlook it and if not, at the very least, for the other parents of the kids that are dropped off to offer and pay the Au Pair for what is actually and essentially babysitting.

How people can think “playdates” were the AP is left alone with other people kids for a couple hours isn’t babysitting and would be okay is nuts.

And I am sure parents who pretend they write it on their profiles aren’t actually saying “ oh and on Wednesdays and Fridays you will be looking after Johnny and Allison, the Neighbors for 3 hours, for free.” But probably write. “ the kids have playdates twice a week with the neighbors that we hope the perfect AP will help maintain and coordinate as our kids love playing together, they are only a 5 minutes walk away!.”

So yes of course, wording B probably wouldn’t get flagged while wording A totally would.

Carpooling 5 minutes from point A to B is different but for all the reasons previously mentioned also not acceptable.

Can’t believe the amount of people who are willingly trying to find loopholes to abuse the system and have their AP do free work for extra risks and very little reward.

you're really barking up the wrong tree here. we discussed this with all au pairs prior to matching. they all had excellent english and they all knew what they were getting into and they all like the playdates and in fact set them up themselves after the first month or so. we pay our au pairs quite a bit more than minimum stipend, have them work fewer than the max hours, and provide many extra perks. why do you assume that having playdates = exploitation? there are lots of terrible HFs out there, but of all the things I've heard (people leaving their kids alone with the au pair for days at a time while they travel, people making their au pairs work off debt for medical expenses, people not giving au pair time off work after she was HIT BY A CAR and on crutches, people giving everyone in the family an xmas stocking including the dog but not an au pair, and like 50 other crazy stories) the thing you're latched onto--older kids having a playdate--doesn't even make sense. the au pair of older children typically WANTS because it's less work for her (with older kids, playdate means you don't have to entertain the kid, break up sibling quarreling, etc.) we're long-term program participants. I get that you've got your knickers in a twist here but please find something else to worry about.

A lot of APs are unaware of the rules, so they wouldn’t necessarily know you were proposing something that could get you/APs kicked out of the program. You don’t have any justification for your behavior here.

But the agency and the LCCs know about what I'm doing and don't think it's in violation of the rules. The rule you're citing is meant to prevent people who are trying to do au pair shares and that sort of thing. Like many poorly written rules and laws it's perhaps over broad in its wording and open to misinterpretation, but I've yet to hear of it being applied in the way that you're imagining. Can you please provide any details on anyone who got kicked out of the program for allowing their older kid to have a friend over? Which agency, which city, year, etc?

I asked our LCC about your interpretation - and she said you are incorrect - the multiple rules and laws are designed to prevent abuse of the AP, e.g., by having her be responsible for kids which are not her charges - if the other family is NOT paying her (she is doing uncompensated labor - and you are breaking the rules by letting her be exploited by them) OR they ARE paying her which means she is working illegally outside the terms of her visa (and you in facilitating this, are conspiring to violate her visa and potentially conspiring to violate state/federal labor laws). You are misinterpreting the law -clearly to your benefit, doubtful that is it to the AP's because she can't really give informed consent b/c you would threaten rematch. Our LCC (DC) says APIA has thrown families out for this misconduct, but does not punish the APs unless they are accepting money, because they assume that the family is the bad apple. In their training, they are not told not to be left alone with children who are not the AP's charges and if it happens, are told to report the family's misconduct. The proper way to facilitate such play dates is for the AP to bring a book on-site until the play date is over. The AP should NOT be driving kids outside the HF unless there is another adult in the car.

Interesting. I guess we have a case of our LCCs (CC and APIA in MD) vs yours in DC with APIA. I wish the programs kicked our more "bad family" HFs, as I think there are many, but I will take comfort in knowing that we aren't one. Our APs do know what they are getting into--they all have been excellent English speakers, trained teachers with more than a little experience, who actually HAVE read the rules. (We are pretty sticklerish and we find people who are that way as well.) We talk about playdates in the interviews, and we insist that they speak to at *least* two of our past au pairs before matching. So if anyone felt exploited, that information would be passed along at that juncture. Moreovoer, our APs tend to extend with us. They know, and we know, that we are going way above and beyond for them, and that playdates aren't about getting extra work out of them. In general I veer toward the excessive end of conscientious but I'm just not going to lose sleep over this one. That being said, I do wish the program would deal more aggressively with families who actually exploit their au pairs.

Yep, but in all starts with HP taking ownership over their rules violations (and acknowledging their own privilege, and the power differential dynamics at play when you bring a "schoolteacher" from Brazil or Mexico with its high rates of unemployment for college graduates - and where it can actually be dangerous to be a woman). You cannot do that for some reason, you think it would make you a bad person or make you the same as someone trafficking their APs (which has happened). It doesn't make you a bad person, but it does make you a rules-breaker, and someone who taking advantage of a situation that could end up hurting the AP, whom you purport to care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Playdates were kids of both families are playing together while being overlooked by their respective caregiver: okay.

Playdates were people drop off their kids to be looked after by the AP: Not Okay.

If I asked my LCC if the kids can have a playdate she would say “of course!” , if I asked her if it would be okay for me to let neighbors and friends drop off their kids and for my AP to watch them for free. She would say “absolutely not.”

“Playdates” is a normal thing kids have so of course if you ask an AP or a LCC whether or not playdates are allowed and they would be okay taking kids to playdates, they would say yes. When I organize playdates it’s 99% me meeting parents at a park where they look after their own kids and I look after mine and the kids play together, very rarely is playdate “drop off your kids at mine and come pick them up in a couple hours when you are done enjoying your kid-free time/running errands.” , if it was (and I understand it might be the case for tweens) I would feel it’s the responsibility of the host parents to be there to overlook it and if not, at the very least, for the other parents of the kids that are dropped off to offer and pay the Au Pair for what is actually and essentially babysitting.

How people can think “playdates” were the AP is left alone with other people kids for a couple hours isn’t babysitting and would be okay is nuts.

And I am sure parents who pretend they write it on their profiles aren’t actually saying “ oh and on Wednesdays and Fridays you will be looking after Johnny and Allison, the Neighbors for 3 hours, for free.” But probably write. “ the kids have playdates twice a week with the neighbors that we hope the perfect AP will help maintain and coordinate as our kids love playing together, they are only a 5 minutes walk away!.”

So yes of course, wording B probably wouldn’t get flagged while wording A totally would.

Carpooling 5 minutes from point A to B is different but for all the reasons previously mentioned also not acceptable.

Can’t believe the amount of people who are willingly trying to find loopholes to abuse the system and have their AP do free work for extra risks and very little reward.

you're really barking up the wrong tree here. we discussed this with all au pairs prior to matching. they all had excellent english and they all knew what they were getting into and they all like the playdates and in fact set them up themselves after the first month or so. we pay our au pairs quite a bit more than minimum stipend, have them work fewer than the max hours, and provide many extra perks. why do you assume that having playdates = exploitation? there are lots of terrible HFs out there, but of all the things I've heard (people leaving their kids alone with the au pair for days at a time while they travel, people making their au pairs work off debt for medical expenses, people not giving au pair time off work after she was HIT BY A CAR and on crutches, people giving everyone in the family an xmas stocking including the dog but not an au pair, and like 50 other crazy stories) the thing you're latched onto--older kids having a playdate--doesn't even make sense. the au pair of older children typically WANTS because it's less work for her (with older kids, playdate means you don't have to entertain the kid, break up sibling quarreling, etc.) we're long-term program participants. I get that you've got your knickers in a twist here but please find something else to worry about.

A lot of APs are unaware of the rules, so they wouldn’t necessarily know you were proposing something that could get you/APs kicked out of the program. You don’t have any justification for your behavior here.

But the agency and the LCCs know about what I'm doing and don't think it's in violation of the rules. The rule you're citing is meant to prevent people who are trying to do au pair shares and that sort of thing. Like many poorly written rules and laws it's perhaps over broad in its wording and open to misinterpretation, but I've yet to hear of it being applied in the way that you're imagining. Can you please provide any details on anyone who got kicked out of the program for allowing their older kid to have a friend over? Which agency, which city, year, etc?

I asked our LCC about your interpretation - and she said you are incorrect - the multiple rules and laws are designed to prevent abuse of the AP, e.g., by having her be responsible for kids which are not her charges - if the other family is NOT paying her (she is doing uncompensated labor - and you are breaking the rules by letting her be exploited by them) OR they ARE paying her which means she is working illegally outside the terms of her visa (and you in facilitating this, are conspiring to violate her visa and potentially conspiring to violate state/federal labor laws). You are misinterpreting the law -clearly to your benefit, doubtful that is it to the AP's because she can't really give informed consent b/c you would threaten rematch. Our LCC (DC) says APIA has thrown families out for this misconduct, but does not punish the APs unless they are accepting money, because they assume that the family is the bad apple. In their training, they are not told not to be left alone with children who are not the AP's charges and if it happens, are told to report the family's misconduct. The proper way to facilitate such play dates is for the AP to bring a book on-site until the play date is over. The AP should NOT be driving kids outside the HF unless there is another adult in the car.

Interesting. I guess we have a case of our LCCs (CC and APIA in MD) vs yours in DC with APIA. I wish the programs kicked our more "bad family" HFs, as I think there are many, but I will take comfort in knowing that we aren't one. Our APs do know what they are getting into--they all have been excellent English speakers, trained teachers with more than a little experience, who actually HAVE read the rules. (We are pretty sticklerish and we find people who are that way as well.) We talk about playdates in the interviews, and we insist that they speak to at *least* two of our past au pairs before matching. So if anyone felt exploited, that information would be passed along at that juncture. Moreovoer, our APs tend to extend with us. They know, and we know, that we are going way above and beyond for them, and that playdates aren't about getting extra work out of them. In general I veer toward the excessive end of conscientious but I'm just not going to lose sleep over this one. That being said, I do wish the program would deal more aggressively with families who actually exploit their au pairs.

Yep, but in all starts with HP taking ownership over their rules violations (and acknowledging their own privilege, and the power differential dynamics at play when you bring a "schoolteacher" from Brazil or Mexico with its high rates of unemployment for college graduates - and where it can actually be dangerous to be a woman). You cannot do that for some reason, you think it would make you a bad person or make you the same as someone trafficking their APs (which has happened). It doesn't make you a bad person, but it does make you a rules-breaker, and someone who taking advantage of a situation that could end up hurting the AP, whom you purport to care about.

Sigh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree. The LCC knows it would kill the program
To take that position.

I disagree that driving an older child (over 5) to practice and dropping him/her off and any other carpool is “babysitting.” Or caring for another child.

So this premise is totally wrong.

And as someone said, au pairs are covered by your driving insurance. So god forbid anything happens, you and her are covered. As is the other child.

By Felicia.

Depends on how kids behave. I’ve had to pull over due to misbehaving children (including children who refused to stay buckled). I’ve also driven carpools that were over 30 minute drives. Those are babysitting. 5-10 minutes with children who behave and go straight from school to the activity is less of an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree. The LCC knows it would kill the program
To take that position.

I disagree that driving an older child (over 5) to practice and dropping him/her off and any other carpool is “babysitting.” Or caring for another child.

So this premise is totally wrong.

And as someone said, au pairs are covered by your driving insurance. So god forbid anything happens, you and her are covered. As is the other child.

By Felicia.

If the AP is the only adult in the car - yes, babysitting.
If the AP is not the only adult in the car, not babysitting.

It’s not that deep...

I love how people think they can just interpret rules and if they happen to "disagree" means it's okay.

Oh god you are fatuous.

Have ever used your mailbox or someone else's mailbox for something not delivered by the USPS?

No, when I want to leave something for the mail carrier, it’s attached to the outside...

Have you ever removed a tag that says "do not remove"?

Not if it’s actually illegal for a consumer to remove the tag. Mattress tags may be removed by the consumer, not by the retailer. That’s true for most “do not remove tags. And yes, I check first.

Have you ever made a mix tape or copied something you didn't own IP for?

No, that’s theft...

Have you ever sung Happy Birthday in public without first obtaining copyright permission? (Seriously!)

In public, no. In private, absolutely. However, I’m also well aware of the controversy surrounding the copyright.

If you have connected to an unsecured wifi network without reading and understanding the fine print you may well have violated CFAA act.

I always read fine print, since it’s a contract. And I never use WiFi anywhere in public. There’s a reason I have a data plan.

Have you ever touched your cell phone while driving?

No, I use hands-free or pull over to touch it.

Did you update the DMV within 5 days of your move to DC?

Yes. Updating my license and tags is always done within three days, unless it’s a holiday weekend. Yes, I’ve moved several times. Yes, I have my folder ready in the glove compartment for as soon as I arrive. First stop is grocery store, second is taking care of legalities.

Does your dog have a license?

N/a, but if I had a dog, yes it would be licensed. Just like it would have the rabies booster every year, heart worm and other preventives.

Have you jaywalked?

No, of course not. It’s not only illegal, it’s usually not safe.

Just because you break the law doesn’t mean others do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Playdates were kids of both families are playing together while being overlooked by their respective caregiver: okay.

Playdates were people drop off their kids to be looked after by the AP: Not Okay.

If I asked my LCC if the kids can have a playdate she would say “of course!” , if I asked her if it would be okay for me to let neighbors and friends drop off their kids and for my AP to watch them for free. She would say “absolutely not.”

“Playdates” is a normal thing kids have so of course if you ask an AP or a LCC whether or not playdates are allowed and they would be okay taking kids to playdates, they would say yes. When I organize playdates it’s 99% me meeting parents at a park where they look after their own kids and I look after mine and the kids play together, very rarely is playdate “drop off your kids at mine and come pick them up in a couple hours when you are done enjoying your kid-free time/running errands.” , if it was (and I understand it might be the case for tweens) I would feel it’s the responsibility of the host parents to be there to overlook it and if not, at the very least, for the other parents of the kids that are dropped off to offer and pay the Au Pair for what is actually and essentially babysitting.

How people can think “playdates” were the AP is left alone with other people kids for a couple hours isn’t babysitting and would be okay is nuts.

And I am sure parents who pretend they write it on their profiles aren’t actually saying “ oh and on Wednesdays and Fridays you will be looking after Johnny and Allison, the Neighbors for 3 hours, for free.” But probably write. “ the kids have playdates twice a week with the neighbors that we hope the perfect AP will help maintain and coordinate as our kids love playing together, they are only a 5 minutes walk away!.”

So yes of course, wording B probably wouldn’t get flagged while wording A totally would.

Carpooling 5 minutes from point A to B is different but for all the reasons previously mentioned also not acceptable.

Can’t believe the amount of people who are willingly trying to find loopholes to abuse the system and have their AP do free work for extra risks and very little reward.

A playdate isn't free childcare. This isn't like, "every day after school the kid comes to my house so the parent doesn't pay for aftercare." a playdate is an occasional thing, for a kid who has a regular care arrangement. no one is paying less for childcare by sending their kid on a playdate. usually they're reciprocated, meaning the au pair's host kid goes to the other house as often as the other kid comes to the au pair's house.... see?

Beg to differ. I know multiple child families that have strict schedules including play dates.

Preschool child:
Monday play date child carpools to the house for 45 minute play then off to activity, picked up by parent there.
Tuesday preschooler goes to activity, play date child b comes home after and is picked up 30 minutes later
Wednesday preschooler has two friends come home for 20 minute play, then off to activity, play date a picked up there, play date c comes home for 50 minutes before pick up
Thursday preschooler picked up by play date a going straight to activity, pick up from activity
Friday preschooler picked up by play date b to go straight to activity, picked up after activity

Add in 1-3 older kids and I understand why the family does it. Hire a nanny or driver, not an AP who has visa limitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Playdates were kids of both families are playing together while being overlooked by their respective caregiver: okay.

Playdates were people drop off their kids to be looked after by the AP: Not Okay.

If I asked my LCC if the kids can have a playdate she would say “of course!” , if I asked her if it would be okay for me to let neighbors and friends drop off their kids and for my AP to watch them for free. She would say “absolutely not.”

“Playdates” is a normal thing kids have so of course if you ask an AP or a LCC whether or not playdates are allowed and they would be okay taking kids to playdates, they would say yes. When I organize playdates it’s 99% me meeting parents at a park where they look after their own kids and I look after mine and the kids play together, very rarely is playdate “drop off your kids at mine and come pick them up in a couple hours when you are done enjoying your kid-free time/running errands.” , if it was (and I understand it might be the case for tweens) I would feel it’s the responsibility of the host parents to be there to overlook it and if not, at the very least, for the other parents of the kids that are dropped off to offer and pay the Au Pair for what is actually and essentially babysitting.

How people can think “playdates” were the AP is left alone with other people kids for a couple hours isn’t babysitting and would be okay is nuts.

And I am sure parents who pretend they write it on their profiles aren’t actually saying “ oh and on Wednesdays and Fridays you will be looking after Johnny and Allison, the Neighbors for 3 hours, for free.” But probably write. “ the kids have playdates twice a week with the neighbors that we hope the perfect AP will help maintain and coordinate as our kids love playing together, they are only a 5 minutes walk away!.”

So yes of course, wording B probably wouldn’t get flagged while wording A totally would.

Carpooling 5 minutes from point A to B is different but for all the reasons previously mentioned also not acceptable.

Can’t believe the amount of people who are willingly trying to find loopholes to abuse the system and have their AP do free work for extra risks and very little reward.

you're really barking up the wrong tree here. we discussed this with all au pairs prior to matching. they all had excellent english and they all knew what they were getting into and they all like the playdates and in fact set them up themselves after the first month or so. we pay our au pairs quite a bit more than minimum stipend, have them work fewer than the max hours, and provide many extra perks. why do you assume that having playdates = exploitation? there are lots of terrible HFs out there, but of all the things I've heard (people leaving their kids alone with the au pair for days at a time while they travel, people making their au pairs work off debt for medical expenses, people not giving au pair time off work after she was HIT BY A CAR and on crutches, people giving everyone in the family an xmas stocking including the dog but not an au pair, and like 50 other crazy stories) the thing you're latched onto--older kids having a playdate--doesn't even make sense. the au pair of older children typically WANTS because it's less work for her (with older kids, playdate means you don't have to entertain the kid, break up sibling quarreling, etc.) we're long-term program participants. I get that you've got your knickers in a twist here but please find something else to worry about.

A lot of APs are unaware of the rules, so they wouldn’t necessarily know you were proposing something that could get you/APs kicked out of the program. You don’t have any justification for your behavior here.

But the agency and the LCCs know about what I'm doing and don't think it's in violation of the rules. The rule you're citing is meant to prevent people who are trying to do au pair shares and that sort of thing. Like many poorly written rules and laws it's perhaps over broad in its wording and open to misinterpretation, but I've yet to hear of it being applied in the way that you're imagining. Can you please provide any details on anyone who got kicked out of the program for allowing their older kid to have a friend over? Which agency, which city, year, etc?

I asked our LCC about your interpretation - and she said you are incorrect - the multiple rules and laws are designed to prevent abuse of the AP, e.g., by having her be responsible for kids which are not her charges - if the other family is NOT paying her (she is doing uncompensated labor - and you are breaking the rules by letting her be exploited by them) OR they ARE paying her which means she is working illegally outside the terms of her visa (and you in facilitating this, are conspiring to violate her visa and potentially conspiring to violate state/federal labor laws). You are misinterpreting the law -clearly to your benefit, doubtful that is it to the AP's because she can't really give informed consent b/c you would threaten rematch. Our LCC (DC) says APIA has thrown families out for this misconduct, but does not punish the APs unless they are accepting money, because they assume that the family is the bad apple. In their training, they are not told not to be left alone with children who are not the AP's charges and if it happens, are told to report the family's misconduct. The proper way to facilitate such play dates is for the AP to bring a book on-site until the play date is over. The AP should NOT be driving kids outside the HF unless there is another adult in the car.

Interesting. I guess we have a case of our LCCs (CC and APIA in MD) vs yours in DC with APIA. I wish the programs kicked our more "bad family" HFs, as I think there are many, but I will take comfort in knowing that we aren't one. Our APs do know what they are getting into--they all have been excellent English speakers, trained teachers with more than a little experience, who actually HAVE read the rules. (We are pretty sticklerish and we find people who are that way as well.) We talk about playdates in the interviews, and we insist that they speak to at *least* two of our past au pairs before matching. So if anyone felt exploited, that information would be passed along at that juncture. Moreovoer, our APs tend to extend with us. They know, and we know, that we are going way above and beyond for them, and that playdates aren't about getting extra work out of them. In general I veer toward the excessive end of conscientious but I'm just not going to lose sleep over this one. That being said, I do wish the program would deal more aggressively with families who actually exploit their au pairs.

PP here with quick PS - the solution the previous au pair suggests (have the au pair go along to the kids' playdates with a book) just isn't viable with more than one child and with older kids. My 12 year old can't show up at a playdate with an au pair and 7 year old brother in tow. She's way past that age. So in practice, if this rule were aggressively enforced in the way you're suggesting it should be, the program would empty of families of kids above about 8. I literally don't know of any families in the program past that point who say that their kids can't socialize while the au pair is on duty. It doesn't make sense.

Play dates happen in a common area (playground with tennis/basketball courts, pool), every child has an adult legally responsible for them. If they’re old enough to be left home, like your 12yp, then AP leaves with the younger child, returns after the play date is over.