How do you deal with having to say no?

[Anonymous]

Since becoming a host mom I've realized just how difficult it is for me to say no and how much it bothers me when someone is irritated with me. I think this would be true of being anyone's "boss." We really and truly are good host parents and definitely to above and beyond to make our AP feel comfortable. We have flexibility with the schedule, she only works 25 hours a week, we live right in a great area of the city, we have an open door friend policy, etc.

But there are of course times when we've had to say no to a schedule change or to a request to use the car or something like that. It's really nothing big - she wants to take our shared car for the day on a Sunday that we need it (we live right by a Metro but she doesn't like the Metro, so she always wants the car - yes, she knew that we expected her to use the Metro when possible when we matched and yes, we do that ourselves).

For whatever reason it kills me to say no. To the poit where I'd rather rearrange my own life to accommodate her preference against the Metro. Which kills my husband. And then I get (unfairly) irritated with her for putting me in the position of having to say no. And then I stew about it for a while and get worried that she's unhappy.

I can see this getting worse as she is here longer and I need to find a solution. Does anyone else have trouble with the "employer" side of the relationship? I really enjoy the "part of the family" part.

[Anonymous]

Not to be harsh, but what do you plan to do when your kids are teenagers and don't want to hear "no"?

[Anonymous]

How do you say no, now to your kids?

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about being harsh - I need solutions. But I don't think the employer/employee relationship is analogous to having children. I know what's best for them and I know they don't necessarily, so I don't have the same issue saying no to my kids. I don't feel the same way with them at all. My AP isn't a child - she's 24. I'm not responsible for shaping her personality or keeping her safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry about being harsh - I need solutions. But I don't think the employer/employee relationship is analogous to having children. I know what's best for them and I know they don't necessarily, so I don't have the same issue saying no to my kids. I don't feel the same way with them at all. My AP isn't a child - she's 24. I'm not responsible for shaping her personality or keeping her safe.

Great response! That's helpful.

What is it that she doesn't like about the metro? Does she feel unsure of herself navigating it? If she has a smart phone, there are a few apps that have things like the map on it. Maybe printing out a map for her would be helpful too.
I think there are also websites that tell you what is at the various metro stops.
Is it the cost of the metro? Could you offer to recharge her metro card from time to time to help offset the cost?

I'm sure it is hard to say no, and you sound like a very accommodating host mom, but she needs to be understanding too.
Would it work to schedule 2 days a month (one weekend, or separate days?) where she can for sure have the car? And other days, she might have it, but she might have to make other arrangements too?

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP. I appreciate the suggestions! Unfortunately, she's fine on the Metro (and we do actually give her a little money for it each month), she just doesn't like having to wait and hates walking anywhere. She's just the type of person that would prefer to drive everywhere (wish she'd said that when I told her we expect her to use public transportation as frequently as we do...).

I am going to consider how we can set up the car thing so that she doesn't have to ask every time - I'm tired of the awkward few seconds at least once a day where she asks, I have to think about whether I had planned to go anywhere while she's staring at me expectantly, and then say yes or no. When I say no, you can see the disappointment like I'm ruining her afternoon.

What I really want to say is - are you going 1/2 mile away like usual and coming home before dark? Is it sunny? Then, please just walk or take the Metro (like DH and I do). It's not that we're necessarily planning to go anywhere ourselves usually, but she wants to drive what would be a really short walk or Metro ride away almost every evening and most weekend days too, which leaves us without a car for emergencies or those random trips to get things done that we can only do on weekends. I feel like unless I can say specifically "yes, we were planning on doing X", then she expects to be able to use the car at any point during the day.

I guess I just need to say that - it's not fair to be resentful over this if I haven't even mentioned to her. And it's not just the car, it's other stuff too - ways I want the kids' day to go, cleaning up after she feeds them (I usually come home to breakfast crumbs all over the dining room), etc. I just really struggle with giving direction.

[Anonymous]

OP, is this your first AP? Some of this may be growth pains. If it is not your first AP, then you really need to be more clear about your expectations. My kitchen is my office. I let every new AP know that the office needs to be cleaned after use - just as I do after every time I use it. We are a fairly easy HF, offer nice accommodations, and have pretty cooperative kids and a good schedule. I would probably rearrange my whole day for a kickass AP who never asks for anything extra. I rematch with APs who don't understand the basic requirements/parameters of the position, including we live on public transit lines and our car is used on the weekends exclusively for ferrying kids to their activities. If an AP wants unfettered access to a car, then she needs to look for a family that offers that, most likely in the suburbs or a rural area.

[Anonymous]

OP, PP here and just reread your last post. OMG, just tell her no to the car. If she doesn't like it and goes into rematch over that, then count yourself lucky that you will be spared any more of her drama.

We've had a few loser APs, young women who were just not ready to be on their own. But we have had some awesome ones and am so impressed with their maturity, focus, and ambition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, PP here and just reread your last post. OMG, just tell her no to the car. If she doesn't like it and goes into rematch over that, then count yourself lucky that you will be spared any more of her drama.

We've had a few loser APs, young women who were just not ready to be on their own. But we have had some awesome ones and am so impressed with their maturity, focus, and ambition.

Lovely. Looks like a crap shoot. How loving of you to put your own children through your trial and errors. Does the concept of "stability" mean anything to you? Do your children matter that much? Does anyone care much about THEM? Clearly, it's not you. How utterly shameful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She is our first AP, so I'm definitely learning. We were very clear in our handbook and on our ore-match conversations that we all (host parents included) take public transportation when possible. She started out that way but then started asking to use the car more and more to the point now when she hardly ever walks or metros anywhere.

I started off saying sure bc if we really weren't going anywhere, then why not? But I didn't realize I was opening myself up to this level.

[Anonymous]

As uncomfortable as the conversation might be, I think it will be helpful to explain to her that even if you don't always have set plans for the car, you like to keep it on hand some days in case unexpected circumstances arise.

Does she have friends nearby that can come pick her up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is our first AP, so I'm definitely learning. We were very clear in our handbook and on our ore-match conversations that we all (host parents included) take public transportation when possible. She started out that way but then started asking to use the car more and more to the point now when she hardly ever walks or metros anywhere.

I started off saying sure bc if we really weren't going anywhere, then why not? But I didn't realize I was opening myself up to this level.

Going back to the question in your first post - yes, I did have trouble saying no to APs when I first started hosting, but it always seems to be the less-good APs that I have most frequently had to say no to, or felt agitated like you are that I keep saying "yes" where I really want to/need to say "no". Generally, the good ones have the judgment, instinct, common sense and maturity to not constantly ask the host families for things that the host family would be inclined to say "no" to. That your AP still does not realize (even after the "rematch" conversation on this very topic) that you are a one-car family, and that you have far more need to have the car nearby than she needs to drive it a half-mile away and keep it there for a whole day, is telling of a lack of judgment and maturity.

That said, the problem you are having, as you identified yourself, is that you HAVE always said yes on the car, and have not expressed your growing resentment at the elevated car use. (Except for in that rematch conversation you mentioned.) And it's hard to backtrack on a privilege; even though you explained in your handbook and from the start that you expect the AP to use public transport, the rule seems to have been "waived" and the AP's expectations have been raised. I do think this can change with a conversation, and as you say - it is part of learning to be an employer in this odd situation of someone with whom you also have an intimate family-like relationship. But it will require an honest conversation, where you clearly set out that you need to go back to your original stance/rule about transportation, and carefully explain why this is your policy (which, if she is mature and reasonable, she will understand). You could say that it makes you uncomfortable to have to ask her to bring the car back when she is on an outing, and you don't want to be put in that position. You could explain that you want the car there in case of an emergency with the children, or an unexpected invitation to a relative or friend who is not as accessible by metro, etc.

We too are a one-car family. We also live right by a metro station, and are very clear that we don't expect our AP to use the car to take the kids around, nor do we have the ability to give our AP access to our car at all. DH does need the car to drive to his workplace, and it is our only car. We cannot afford to have it in an accident our out of commission. We do not add our APs to our insurance. Now, because of this, we have never sought out APs with driving experience, and so far we have actually been "lucky" to have APs who either don't have licenses, or don't feel comfortable enough driving to want to drive on a regular basis. So we have not faced this issue. I think if we match with an AP in the future who is an experienced driver, we might choose to re-evaluate. But it will definitely be on our terms, and not the AP's. We are very clear with APs when we match that we do not provide access to a car. It sounds like you were too, but felt okay letting that slide, and now just need to backtrack. Which is hard, but do-able.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, 10:51. I think you've hit the nail on the head with why I'm struggling with this - it shows a lack of maturity, judgement, and self-awareness that she's even asking so frequently and at really bad times. She'll ask me as soon as I get in the door or when I'm sitting there with guests that just came into town. Or when I'm in the middle of making dinner with the toddler at my feet after working all day.

She knows the terms we matched on and she sees DH and I taking the Metro or walking almost every day. When we have a date to the same downtown area she goes to, we walk. When we run a quick errand, we Metro. When we take the kids to an activity, we Metro. I guess I was hoping she'd see that, realize that a family will have a need for the car being generally available for emergencies and classes and stuff, and stick to our original terms.

So I don't feel like sitting her down and leveling with her will make her understand - she'll just feel like I'm being restrictive. And it's difficult to set specific rules for when she can have the car, so she'll see my "rules" as arbitrary - it's not that she can't take it more than once a week or only after a specific time or anything like that. I just need her to be aware of what she's asking and able to assess her own NEED for the car instead of just a WANT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, 10:51. I think you've hit the nail on the head with why I'm struggling with this - it shows a lack of maturity, judgement, and self-awareness that she's even asking so frequently and at really bad times. She'll ask me as soon as I get in the door or when I'm sitting there with guests that just came into town. Or when I'm in the middle of making dinner with the toddler at my feet after working all day.

She knows the terms we matched on and she sees DH and I taking the Metro or walking almost every day. When we have a date to the same downtown area she goes to, we walk. When we run a quick errand, we Metro. When we take the kids to an activity, we Metro. I guess I was hoping she'd see that, realize that a family will have a need for the car being generally available for emergencies and classes and stuff, and stick to our original terms.

So I don't feel like sitting her down and leveling with her will make her understand - she'll just feel like I'm being restrictive. And it's difficult to set specific rules for when she can have the car, so she'll see my "rules" as arbitrary - it's not that she can't take it more than once a week or only after a specific time or anything like that. I just need her to be aware of what she's asking and able to assess her own NEED for the car instead of just a WANT.

Hmm, if you do feel that the underlying issue is a lack of maturity and self-awareness, and that leaks into other aspects of the relationship or childcare, there could be more of a problem here and the car is just the most frequent/irritating reminder of that.

But if you generally don't have frequent talks with this AP about issues that arise generally, then it still might help to have a sit-down with her about this issue and the relationship generally. As a newbie hostmom, I know I felt the same - that I KNEW how my AP would react, so what's the point. But, I have actually been pleasantly surprised. We had a totally different issue, but a similar situation with one AP a few APs back. We had some specific rules about house-guests - not restrictive, but specific. This AP on a few occasions asked us to have guests in a manner that she knew was not how we wanted things done - in last-minute situations, or while we were away that made us feel like we'd be real jerks to say no. So we said "yes," but felt resentment that she put us in that situation. But the second or third time this occurred, we said "yes," but then insisted we have a conversation about it. We explained where we were coming from, and why our rules were the way they were. This opened up some lines of communication between us, and we did not have this problem anymore. (This AP, while showing great judgment with our children, did have some maturity-issue aspects in her interpersonal relationships with adults in her life.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, PP here and just reread your last post. OMG, just tell her no to the car. If she doesn't like it and goes into rematch over that, then count yourself lucky that you will be spared any more of her drama.

We've had a few loser APs, young women who were just not ready to be on their own. But we have had some awesome ones and am so impressed with their maturity, focus, and ambition.

Lovely. Looks like a crap shoot. How loving of you to put your own children through your trial and errors. Does the concept of "stability" mean anything to you? Do your children matter that much? Does anyone care much about THEM? Clearly, it's not you. How utterly shameful.

Wow what a disgusting response to PP's post. I know it sucks being bored under your bridge all day but don't waddle on here and accuse random people of not caring about their kids. It makes you look like a miserable, lonely fool.