Reply to How do you deal with having to say no?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. She is our first AP, so I'm definitely learning. We were very clear in our handbook and on our ore-match conversations that we all (host parents included) take public transportation when possible. She started out that way but then started asking to use the car more and more to the point now when she hardly ever walks or metros anywhere.

I started off saying sure bc if we really weren't going anywhere, then why not?  But I didn't realize I was opening myself up to this level. [/quote]

Going back to the question in your first post - yes, I did have trouble saying no to APs when I first started hosting, but it always seems to be the less-good APs that I have most frequently had to say no to, or felt agitated like you are that I keep saying "yes" where I really want to/need to say "no".  Generally, the good ones have the judgment, instinct, common sense and maturity to not constantly ask the host families for things that the host family would be inclined to say "no" to.  That your AP still does not realize (even after the "rematch" conversation on this very topic) that you are a one-car family, and that you have far more need to have the car nearby than she needs to drive it a half-mile away and keep it there for a whole day, is telling of a lack of judgment and maturity.

That said, the problem you are having, as you identified yourself, is that you HAVE always said yes on the car, and have not expressed your growing resentment at the elevated car use.  (Except for in that rematch conversation you mentioned.)  And it's hard to backtrack on a privilege; even though you explained in your handbook and from the start that you expect the AP to use public transport, the rule seems to have been "waived" and the AP's expectations have been raised.  I do think this can change with a conversation, and as you say - it is part of learning to be an employer in this odd situation of someone with whom you also have an intimate family-like relationship.  But it will require an honest conversation, where you clearly set out that you need to go back to your original stance/rule about transportation, and carefully explain why this is your policy (which, if she is mature and reasonable, she will understand).  You could say that it makes you uncomfortable to have to ask her to bring the car back when she is on an outing, and you don't want to be put in that position.  You could explain that you want the car there in case of an emergency with the children, or an unexpected invitation to a relative or friend who is not as accessible by metro, etc.

We too are a one-car family.  We also live right by a metro station, and are very clear that we don't expect our AP to use the car to take the kids around, nor do we have the ability to give our AP access to our car at all.  DH does need the car to drive to his workplace, and it is our only car.  We cannot afford to have it in an accident our out of commission.  We do not add our APs to our insurance.  Now, because of this, we have never sought out APs with driving experience, and so far we have actually been "lucky" to have APs who either don't have licenses, or don't feel comfortable enough driving to want to drive on a regular basis.  So we have not faced this issue.  I think if we match with an AP in the future who is an experienced driver, we might choose to re-evaluate.  But it will definitely be on our terms, and not the AP's.  We are very clear with APs when we match that we do not provide access to a car.  It sounds like you were too, but felt okay letting that slide, and now just need to backtrack.  Which is hard, but do-able.[/quote]

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