My nanny has lost my trust, very complicated.

[Anonymous]

Long story short...

My son is 16 months old and had some diareah and vomiting we thought was teething. My nanny said she thought it was dairy, we didn't agree. He seemed to be getting better but eventually went back to the gas, spitting up and diareah. So we ended up going to the pediatrician and she confirmed it was a lactose intolerance. I told my nanny to eliminate dairy from his diet and she informed me that she already has been, saying she knew it was dairy all along. I was upset. Yes, she was right, but she disobeyed my orders and didn't let me know she had eliminated milk.

How should I handle this?

[Anonymous]

I think that you should be humbled that she knew what she was talking about. You should apologise and maybe add something to her holiday bonus

She was doing what was best for your child. People hire nannies because they have experience and have seen things before

[Anonymous]

What orders did she disobey? You never told us in your post that you specifically told her to keep feeding him dairy. You just said that you didn't agree when she said she thought the issue was dairy.

[Anonymous]

You should thank your stars that your nanny cares about your son enough not to let him suffer. Vomiting and diarrhea are not signs of teething, they are signs of illness or upset stomach. Eliminating diary was never gonna cause any harm and frankly, if i saw a baby in pain and knew i could help i would rather get fired. I've dealt with mothers with eating issues tell me to basically starve their child cause he was looking fat, that child was normal and i flat out told the mom that i would not do it. If you think your all the wiser (especially after this) than let the nanny find a better job and stick your kid a daycare.


Also learn to spell troll.

[Anonymous]

OP here is what you do.

1) Apologize for not following up sooner on her advice. She was right, you were wrong. Tell her so.

2) Let her know that you're new parents and new to having nannies but clearly her expertise is invaluable, and in the future you will respect her expertise and you want her to feel like she can be open with you both about her concerns or ideas about DC and trust that you'll hear her out and follow-up with your doctor on any issues she feels strongly about.

3) Tell her that clearly history has proven her right, but in the future you'd like to know if she's making any changes to your child's diet etc. Assure her that you know she eliminated dairy for DCs benefit, and from now on you will be hearing her concerns and won't ask her to do anything that is making him sick.

4) Thank your lucky stars your nanny cares more about your child than your good opinion. She's making the toughest call a nanny ever has to - doing what is right for the child when the parents aren't on board.

[Anonymous]

No to the nanny chorus. The OP instructed her nanny to not stop giving the baby dairy. The nanny did it anyway. This is a big problem and its not a nanny that would I trust.

[Anonymous]

4) Thank your lucky stars your nanny cares more about your child than your good opinion. She's making the toughest call a nanny ever has to - doing what is right for the child when the parents aren't on board.

This is never the nannies decision to make. A nanny is an employer. You aren't a co-parent and you don't get to do whatever you please. You can voice your suggestions. You can quit if you are upset that your wishes are not be followed. You don't get to do what you want anyway and just lie about.

[Anonymous]

No, don't listen to these crazy nannies.

This time she was right but her hunch next time could be wrong and put your child in harms way. She should have communicated with you what she was doing. You had a right to know and she didn't tell you on purpose.

I don't think this is the kind of nanny i would trust my child with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No to the nanny chorus. The OP instructed her nanny to not stop giving the baby dairy. The nanny did it anyway. This is a big problem and its not a nanny that would I trust.

The OP does not say that she told the nanny to continue to feed the baby dairy, simply that the nanny suggested the problem was dairy and OP disagreed.

[Anonymous]

Omitting dairy from a 16 month's diet is a huge deal and has nutrition ramifications possible affecting height for life. Your nanny did this and didn't tell you? Huge deal. Firable offense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

4) Thank your lucky stars your nanny cares more about your child than your good opinion. She's making the toughest call a nanny ever has to - doing what is right for the child when the parents aren't on board.

This is never the nannies decision to make. A nanny is an employer. You aren't a co-parent and you don't get to do whatever you please. You can voice your suggestions. You can quit if you are upset that your wishes are not be followed. You don't get to do what you want anyway and just lie about.

I agree about not lying, of course, but omitting a food that makes the child sick is not the same as lying (unless she keeps a food diary and wrote down that she was giving him milk when she really wasn't, it doesn't sound like any lying took place). But I disagree on the other point -it is absolutely the nanny's job to make choices that keep the baby healthy and safe - that is presumably why you hire someone experienced, professional, and communicative, because you want to be able to trust them and their expertise. Same goes for sleeping - you MBs may say "please please spend 45 minutes rocking my baby and then give her this pacifier and sing this song blahblahblah" but if I can get her into her crib and asleep in 5 minutes instead of 60, I'm going to - simply because it is better for the baby in the short and the long-term.

Parents often want to point out that they're the parents and you're not, which is true, but unless you're an MB who's also an ex-nanny I am positive that I have burped, swaddled, bathed, clothed, napped, taught, sang, and played with dozens more babies/toddlers/kids than you have. I have tricks and techniques and instincts honed over years and years of working and that is why parents pay me above-average rates. Before you start in on how it's all about what's easiest for the nanny, let me tell you that when my MB asks me to make sure her son spend X minutes in his walker, I'm just not going to - because it isn't good for her child. It's much better for me to be walking him around the room with him holding onto my fingers than to plop him in his walker, so that's what I do (I record that time on our log but never say he spent time in the walker if he didn't).

MB's on this board are unbelievably ignorant and shockingly superior in their attitudes - it is hard to give up some control over your child and your home, I get it, but as with any job the best success happens when you hire someone wonderful, tell them your non-negotiables, and then let them do what you hired them to do. This is when you really reap the benefits of an experienced nanny - when you let her do what she's great at and listen to her suggestions. If you don't want that, use daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

4) Thank your lucky stars your nanny cares more about your child than your good opinion. She's making the toughest call a nanny ever has to - doing what is right for the child when the parents aren't on board.

This is never the nannies decision to make. A nanny is an employer. You aren't a co-parent and you don't get to do whatever you please. You can voice your suggestions. You can quit if you are upset that your wishes are not be followed. You don't get to do what you want anyway and just lie about.

I agree about not lying, of course, but omitting a food that makes the child sick is not the same as lying (unless she keeps a food diary and wrote down that she was giving him milk when she really wasn't, it doesn't sound like any lying took place). But I disagree on the other point -it is absolutely the nanny's job to make choices that keep the baby healthy and safe - that is presumably why you hire someone experienced, professional, and communicative, because you want to be able to trust them and their expertise. Same goes for sleeping - you MBs may say "please please spend 45 minutes rocking my baby and then give her this pacifier and sing this song blahblahblah" but if I can get her into her crib and asleep in 5 minutes instead of 60, I'm going to - simply because it is better for the baby in the short and the long-term.

Parents often want to point out that they're the parents and you're not, which is true, but unless you're an MB who's also an ex-nanny I am positive that I have burped, swaddled, bathed, clothed, napped, taught, sang, and played with dozens more babies/toddlers/kids than you have. I have tricks and techniques and instincts honed over years and years of working and that is why parents pay me above-average rates. Before you start in on how it's all about what's easiest for the nanny, let me tell you that when my MB asks me to make sure her son spend X minutes in his walker, I'm just not going to - because it isn't good for her child. It's much better for me to be walking him around the room with him holding onto my fingers than to plop him in his walker, so that's what I do (I record that time on our log but never say he spent time in the walker if he didn't).

MB's on this board are unbelievably ignorant and shockingly superior in their attitudes - it is hard to give up some control over your child and your home, I get it, but as with any job the best success happens when you hire someone wonderful, tell them your non-negotiables, and then let them do what you hired them to do. This is when you really reap the benefits of an experienced nanny - when you let her do what she's great at and listen to her suggestions. If you don't want that, use daycare.

This is a load of BS and exactly the kind of nanny you want to avoid. You ask her to do one thing and she'll nod and not do it on purpose because she THINKS she knows better. That's another can of worms.

OP, there are a lot of crazy nannies on this board who will tell you that a mountain is a molehill, ketchup is mustard, whatever to swing things their way.

Like you said, she lost your trust and she would definitely lose mine too. Trust, unfortunately, is one of those foundations without which you cannot do without in a MB/nanny relationship. Nannies can annoy the bejeesus out of you but if you trust them with your kids, you can still go to work and focus on your work, etc. Without trust, you just can't focus on what you need to get done while the nannies are working.

I'd start looking for a new nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No to the nanny chorus. The OP instructed her nanny to not stop giving the baby dairy. The nanny did it anyway. This is a big problem and its not a nanny that would I trust.

What if the baby had died because of OPs stupidity? Fire her, OP, you need a "yes maam" nanny. The line is already forming with parents who want to hire your nanny and these parents will listen to her because she is experienced. You are not worthy of yohr nannyand I am not a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to the nanny chorus. The OP instructed her nanny to not stop giving the baby dairy. The nanny did it anyway. This is a big problem and its not a nanny that would I trust.

What if the baby had died because of OPs stupidity? Fire her, OP, you need a "yes maam" nanny. The line is already forming with parents who want to hire your nanny and these parents will listen to her because she is experienced. You are not worthy of yohr nannyand I am not a nanny.

Food elimination to test for intolerance is not done willy nilly by the nanny.
If you suspect that your child is allergic to dairy, then you eliminate that, just that, while giving everything else the child usually has, and not introducing new foods. Then after the test period, if the child has not shown symptoms, you can conclude that it is an allergy to dairy.

If your nanny eliminates dairy and MB thinks fruit juice is the culprit and cuts that back too, you don't know what was causing what.
If your nanny eliminates dairy and MB gave a dinner with pine nuts, something baby's never had, it could be the pine nuts or the milk. You just don't know.

While you eliminate dairy, you need to substitute other sources of same nutrition, perhaps soymilk or cheese, etc. You don't just take away milk from a 16 month old for who knows how long of a period the nanny did this.

All those nannies saying your nanny knew better and you should feel lucky are just plain wrong. These are big decisions and she should've told you what she was doing. She clearly doesn't know her boundaries and thinks of herself as a co-parent than a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to the nanny chorus. The OP instructed her nanny to not stop giving the baby dairy. The nanny did it anyway. This is a big problem and its not a nanny that would I trust.

What if the baby had died because of OPs stupidity? Fire her, OP, you need a "yes maam" nanny. The line is already forming with parents who want to hire your nanny and these parents will listen to her because she is experienced. You are not worthy of yohr nannyand I am not a nanny.

Food elimination to test for intolerance is not done willy nilly by the nanny.
If you suspect that your child is allergic to dairy, then you eliminate that, just that, while giving everything else the child usually has, and not introducing new foods. Then after the test period, if the child has not shown symptoms, you can conclude that it is an allergy to dairy.

If your nanny eliminates dairy and MB thinks fruit juice is the culprit and cuts that back too, you don't know what was causing what.
If your nanny eliminates dairy and MB gave a dinner with pine nuts, something baby's never had, it could be the pine nuts or the milk. You just don't know.

While you eliminate dairy, you need to substitute other sources of same nutrition, perhaps soymilk or cheese, etc. You don't just take away milk from a 16 month old for who knows how long of a period the nanny did this.

All those nannies saying your nanny knew better and you should feel lucky are just plain wrong. These are big decisions and she should've told you what she was doing. She clearly doesn't know her boundaries and thinks of herself as a co-parent than a nanny.

Who knows what your nanny is giving your child or not giving your child on her hunch that it's good or bad? She thought milk was bad for your child. Maybe she thinks using too many diapers is bad for the environment too and your child is getting more diaper rashes that he/she should right now. Good communication is key to a successful nanny parent relationship. Your nanny clearly does not recognize this.