My nanny has lost my trust, very complicated.

[Anonymous]

MB here.

OP, you are a damn fool.

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier and was called a nanny. No. I'm neither a nanny or a MB. However, OP is clearly a wack job.

[Anonymous]

Nanny should have called CPS because what you were doing was a lot more harmful and abusive than what the nanny did. You are just butthurt that Mother obviously doesn't know best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny should have called CPS because what you were doing was a lot more harmful and abusive than what the nanny did. You are just butthurt that Mother obviously doesn't know best!

That's really what this is about. You feel defensive that she knew better than you did. Get over it and do what is right for your child.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a MB who has had a nanny for more than 7 years and I am honestly confused about why you are so upset. If anything, I would be thankful my nanny picked up on the problem and provided me w/ her insight. Your emails seem to focus on your feelings when what really matters is that your DC was ill and your nanny did something to relieve his/her obvious discomfort (I am lactose intolerant and the stomach pains are dreadful). I am not sure why you are so defensive and making this about you and your feelings at the expense of your child's well being. It is important to remember that just because you are a parent it doesn't mean that you have all the answers.

[Anonymous]

When your nanny suggested DC had stomach issues, would it have killed you to attempt to give up dairy for a few days? You would have avoided all of this mess. But no. You're momzilla and went about it the hard way.

[Anonymous]

You really should have listened to your nanny when she repeatedly suggested a dairy allergy but she absolutely should not have made major changes to your child's diet without telling you. Honestly, it seems like you both screwed this up.

At this point, to salvage the situation, I would sit her down and be honest - tell her how grateful you are that she was right and that she saved your son some pain but that moving forward, it is absolutely not okay for her to go against your wishes without discussing it with you. Tell her also that you have learned your lesson and will take her advice and concerns more seriously going forward - but you must be able to trust that she will not take matters into her own hands again.

Realistically though - I don't think you'll be able to trust her again (not sure I would either), and let's be honest, she's been looking for a new job since this whole mess started anyway.

Out of curiosity, how long was it btwn the first signs of tummy troubles and the doctor's diagnosis? And when did the nanny cut dairy? I think that makes a difference in how badly she behaved.

[Anonymous]

When the nanny brought this up why didn't you call the doctor? While google may tell you throwing up and diarrheal are symptoms of teething, these are NOT common symptoms and your nanny and other sane people know that. Of you have all he answers why didn't you stay home and raise your own kid? What YOU did to YOUR child was wrong and abuse. YOU caused YOUR child pain by being too stubborn to even consider that you were wrong. By continuing to give your kid lactose and ignoring your nanny and not consulting z doctor was selfish, stupid, prideful and DANGEROUS.

Do you understand that the only person who put your child in danger, was YOU?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here. Whatever the nanny did, she should have told you. I write down everything the kids ate, what we did that day and any special concerns.

I don't think there is anything one could say in defense of keeping milk from a 1 year old and not telling MB.

+1 from another nanny.

There's no excuse for something big like this being withheld from the parents knowledge. Regardless of what the nanny thinks is best (right or wrong) that child is not hers and she should be listening to the requests from the parents. In an office job if you deliberately do something your boss tells you not too, you could be gone in a minute, regardless of the final outcome. You're not the parent or the boss, and while of course your opinion should matter, major decisions such as this one should be left up to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here. Whatever the nanny did, she should have told you. I write down everything the kids ate, what we did that day and any special concerns.

I don't think there is anything one could say in defense of keeping milk from a 1 year old and not telling MB.

+1 from another nanny.

There's no excuse for something big like this being withheld from the parents knowledge. Regardless of what the nanny thinks is best (right or wrong) that child is not hers and she should be listening to the requests from the parents. In an office job if you deliberately do something your boss tells you not too, you could be gone in a minute, regardless of the final outcome. You're not the parent or the boss, and while of course your opinion should matter, major decisions such as this one should be left up to the parents.

While I agree that the nanny overstepped, I don't think its as clinical as you are making it. In an office job, you boss is HIGHLY unlikely to give you a task that is physically harmful/not in the best interests of the child. As a nanny, when working with first time or uninformed parents, you can sometimes receive directions that your experience and knowledge tells you is not in the best interests of the child. What are we supposed to do then? If I were this nanny, I would have continued to voice my concerns, and if ignored I would have let MB know that I am not comfortable continuing to feed DS dairy until it is eliminated as the problem. With the "I'm the boss, I know everything, I hired an experienced educated nanny just to say I have one" attitude of a lot of MB's here, doing even this may get a nanny fired. I think it is OP who should humble herself, because she created a moral conundrum for the nanny, when she ignored her advice/concerns.

[Anonymous]

The nanny needs to go. You can't have a nanny that you can't trust. Trust is one of the most important parts of the job as her day is unsupervised. OP - you will always be wondering whether the nanny is doing what you asked or doing something else and hiding it. Its unlikely that she will change after a discussion with you since this was such as a big line to cross. Someone who would do this just doesn't understand how to be a professional nanny. She's also shown that she is deceptive and passive/aggressive. Very bad qualities in a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Op you are a bitter mom. You are embarrassed that you were wrong.

I almost had a child die because the parents thought he had a stomach virus. Instead he was finally rushed to ER for surgery. I was let go soon after because parents couldn't deal with the fact I was right and they were wrong. Every family since has respected my caring attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like you should have hired a babysitter, not a nanny...or maybe you did? I assume when you say "nanny" you mean an experience, educated, professional child care provider, not some 19-year-old college student. If you hired a nanny, whom probably knows more about children than you do (not saying she knows *your* child better) and you should be happy to have her to take care of your child. If you want some mindless idiot watching your kid that's your call, but why have a nanny if your not going to get the perks? The advice?

Both of you handled the situation poorly.

OP/MB: You should have deeply considered your nannies opinions, hopefully she has experience and therefor probably knows what she's talking about. I mean, I hope you didn't hire an idiot? Honestly I think if you would have gotten off your power trip this whole incident could have been avoided.

Nanny: She should have NEVER lied or "disobeyed your orders" . It's unprofessional, as well as a poor sign of character. If I were her I would have told you my concerns in a logical and rational way, explained why I felt little Johnny may have lactose-intolerance and educated you to the best of my capabilities. Now, if you were to still ignore my Knowlegable concern I would have told you that I will not be able to continue to feed Johnny milk products because I strongly feel as if they are the source of his symptoms. I would probably get fired, it's a shitty situation. As several PP mentioned, all options suck. Do nothing and the child still suffers from vomiting and diarrhea, or "disobey orders" lie to boss but keep child healthy.

Honestly, I would let her go. No, you can't trust her, but I think your biggest issue is the fact that you can't "order" her. Yes, nannies should always respect the parents wishes, follow routine ect...but at the extent of the child's safety, health or well-being? Forget it. Fire me. My job is to protect your child, and I will do it even if it means protecting them from you.

-MB and former nanny

[Anonymous]

What I don't understand is how so many people are talking like eliminating dairy is the end of the world. Let's assume that the nanny is with the child 40 hours a week. This means there are many more hours during which the child could have received it -- I would hardly consider this to be the enormous deficiency you make it out to be. With so many foods that provide as much calcium as milk, coupled with the fact that OP is giving her son dairy during her time with him, I can't imagine the change in what nutrients the child is receiving is significant.

[Anonymous]

I told my DB about this thread and we both agreed on what should have happened -

MB/OP, you should have listened to your nanny and taken her concerns seriously.

If, for whatever reason, you were unable to appreciate the advice she was giving you, your nanny should have said, "I'm not comfortable feeding him XYZ until his doctor has confirmed that it's safe."

Hopefully at that point you could have then agreed to get this checked out and found a solution, or could have agreed that she would supplement milk with formula and you'd ensure he got "enough" dairy during his meals with you.

BUT, as a side note, how exactly did your doctor diagnose a lactose intolerance? DB is a doctor and he has never heard of a reliable test for that and was very curious how your pediatrician determined it?