Host family leaving for a vacation without the Au Pair
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Anonymous
Two big problems I see above: 1) Your assumption that they do well financially, so taking you on a $1000 vacation would be no big deal. This is a tremendous assumption. I'm assuming you must be young, and you see a family that has 2 nice cars, makes lots of money, has a nice house, etc. -- trust me when I say you have no idea about this family's money matters. We live in a nice house, have 3 cars (one for the au pair) and try to take nice vacations. But that doesn't mean we're made of money. I would not be able to afford taking our au pair on a $1000 vacation. We're "successful" in part because we try to make reasonable choices with our money, and we don't throw it away. If you are going to be bitter about not being included in what is clearly an expensive vacation, you need to readjust your expectations or rematch. 2) Your statement that the father told you that you can't say "no" to his kid. Honestly, I don't believe you. Perhaps you misunderstood him, (although your English is quite good), or perhaps he was trying to make a more nuanced point that you didn't understand. But really, I have heard of all kinds of spoiled American kids, but I have NEVER in my life heard of a parent telling someone "you're not allowed to say no to him". So, sorry, but I'm calling bullshit on that. It makes me question your maturity level. So -- I really hope you find a way to address your reasonable concerns (biting, kicking, etc.) with the parents in a mature way. Otherwise, you might be better off going home. |
Anonymous
If this is causing you to consider a rematch, then I don't think you understand the program or what reasonable expectations should be. |
Anonymous
| Some of the comments from folks seem only focused on making the au pair in the wrong. Talk to your LCC. Not every match is the perfect one. Nothing wrong with rematching. Just be crystal clear with yourself and the LCC about what you want to be different with a new family |
Anonymous
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"I'm part of the family when it's handy for them, I guess."
What country are you from, OP? This is an odd choice of idiom. Have you been in the US long? If it is true that a seven year old is trying to bite you, that is very unusual, and I find it hard to believe a parent wouldn't know that. Your whole post is suspect but if the behavior of the child is true, them you should rematch. |
Anonymous
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OP here.
1) I know they are doing well, it's not just assuming they are but this is not the point here because I would have paid for my flight + bedroom because I am so eager to explore, it was an opportunity to do it  And I am not the kind of person that wants a free vacation doing nothing, I wouldn't have expected them to pay for me at all.
2) The father told me I can't say "no" to his kid and that he has to learn to make his own choices. I don't see why I would lie about that ? But this is against my principles. I'm very easy-going with him, giving him opportunities to make choices when appropriate but there are times when it's impossible because of safety or just because I feel he HAS to be polite. The father actually laughed when I told him he was kicking me, saying he was just testing me to see how I would react ... It had taken me days to talk to him about it because I didn't know how to address the problem. And the mom is barely home nor talking to me much. I don't see what this has to do with my maturity level ... 3) I believed them when they said they'd treat me as a member of the family. When I accepted them on the phone, I received a few days later a fedex package with a letter from them, postcards, a Phily map and pictures of their son. The letter said they wanted me to feel at home, that I'd be welcome to join them when they're out doing activities ... I get there, we're trying to adjust for the first few weeks and then they tell me they're traveling to Mexico for a week with about 2 weeks notice and that I'm not going, and staying home to open and shut some door. 4) I will talk to my LLC on Monday. I'm glad I could have some advice here. I'll let you know what happens
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Anonymous
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I'm a nanny. I've interviewed, temped and babysat for several families who told me I was allowed to say no to their children.
There are a lot of families out there who think that saying no damages their children's spirit. |
Anonymous
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I had a friend who was a part time nanny for a preschool age child. the MB didnt want her saying "no" to him either....she was a psychologist and thought it would be damaging.
Kid was spoiled rotten. Its rare but those parents are out there. |
Anonymous
Well, OP, your options are pretty clear. 1. Buy your own ticket to explore wherever you want when your week off comes. If you didn't expect them to pay for anything and you didn't expect to attend the wedding and you didn't expect not to work, what are you complaining about? 2. A seven year old who kicks and bites is displaying unusual behavior and if this is real, you need to rematch (I'm the PP who doesn't believe your post is real, BTW). This child has serious needs that are not being met. A seven year old is a second grader. 3. It sounds like they are treating you as a member of the family, except for the part that they didn't take you to a family wedding in Mexico, even though you said you don't mind that they didn't pay to take you or anything. So, if you don't care that they didn't pay, what's the problem? Mexico will be there your whole year here. You can buy a ticket, rent a room, and explore (all the things you want to do) on your vacation week. 4. Yes, discuss this with your LLC. You might need a rematch. 5. What country did you say you were from again, OP? How long have you been in the US? |
Anonymous
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Not sure how OP "knows" that the family is doing well financially - do they show you their bank accts? Also,
I find this to be a case where the au pair wants to be a member of the family when there is something in it for them...Take a trip to Mexico on your own on one of your weeks off. Problem solved on the vacation front. Still need to address the behavior issues of the son. Contact the LCC |
Anonymous
The longer you work with different families, the more you see guilt-ridden moms creating spoiled insecure children. Sad. |
Anonymous
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Op,
I truly hope this works out for you. Please don't take it personally that you haven't been invited to the vacation. On the other hand, I would not have made you stay home and open doors -- I would have said free time off I hope you do some sightseeing. BUT, you need to understand that if you ask to rematch, you will sour the relationship. And your odds of rematching are not good. There are just too many people looking to be APs and not enough families. Please ask your LCC first. |
Anonymous
| There are not lots of qualified APs; otherwise there'd be more host family applications. |
Anonymous
Yes, but it also sounds like this AP might not be a good match for a family looking for a mature AP with skills for dealing with children (she has one 7 year child - presumably in school - and cannot handle him), so it's unclear that she will shine in the rematch pool. Also, what will she say when asked by propective families why she requested rematch away from a family that by her own description treats her well and makes her feel comfortable: she was sad about not being taken on a family trip to Mexico in her first month with the family, she couldn't handle the one child who is in school during the day, she doesn't like Philly - a great place to live by most accounts - and she was judgmental about the HM's hours away from her child? Can't imagine families are going to line up to match w this AP. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you're mixing a bunch of issues. You're also right in the period when the newness of being in a new country and at a new job is wearing off and you're probably homesick and wondering if you made the right choice to join this family or even come at all. It's a really tough period to get through, so make sure you're thinking clearly and making the best choice long-term. Separate issues below:
1. It sounds like your host kid is going to be difficult. If he is kicking or biting you and the host father doesn't care, then you need to rematch. Seriously. That is a definite issue. Particularly if he is hurting you and the father is seriously telling you you can't do anything about it. Talk to your LCC. 2. It sounds like you don't agree with the mother's lifestyle and that you don't think she pays enough attention to her kids. You're certainly welcome to think that, but you need to admit that you have no idea what's going on with her in her life. If you feel like you're going to be judging her choices the entire year, then please rematch. 3. It is not ok for them to ask you to be home to open the doors for the workmen. Not only does it put you in an unsafe position of having men you don't know in the house, but it holds you captive in the house for an unrelated-to-childcare reason. You would be well within your rights to talk to your LCC about this and to tell the host parents you're not comfortable with it. They could most definitely ask you to do up to 45 hours of childcare-related tasks such as cleaning the host kids' room, laundry, play room clean up, etc. But they can't force you to deal with workmen or dog sit or anything like that. Many au pairs are happy to do this kind of stuff because they have a good give and take with the family - they give extra, the family gives extra. Doesn't sound like you're willing to do that with this family, but keep in mind that they will probably react in kind. But the workmen also represents a safety issue and the fact that they TOLD you to do this rather than ASKING if you would makes me suspect they're not going to be treating you all that well in general. 4. The Mexico trip - No way to say this nicely, you really need to get over this. I suspect you're unhappy with the whole situation and using this trip as an easy thing to blame your unhappiness on. It is not personal and has nothing to do with them not treating you like a "family member." Remember that they only met you a month prior to the trip. And they are going to a family wedding to which you are not invited. Also, they do not need child care during the trip. And additionally, it's a really expensive trip that could add well over $1,000 to bring you. And before you say you know they have the money, first of all, you don't know that. For all you know, they have a big fancy house and multiple luxury cars and they are absolutely drowning in debt. And even if they have the money, which they may well have, it's completely within their rights not to want to spend that significant amount of money to bring along a person they've only just meet who they really don't need to come. So you say you would have been happy to pay for it - did you tell them that? Did you say "Host family, I would love to join you on this trip if possible and I'm happy to pay my own way." And if you were just going to buy yourself a trip to Mexico, why go with your host family? Make some friends and go with them! 5. Philadelphia is awesome!! So much going on and so many nice people. Get out there and make some friends and make the most of your experience before you get totally down on it. |
Anonymous
It sounds like the issue is really that you DON'T get along with the host family and feel that they are a warm family, as you initially posted. And as others have pointed out, the issue with the child hitting you and not minding you does need to be worked out, and it sounds like the host family is not dealing with this well. The best way to deal with this is probably for you to first speak with the HF about your feelings, and if you feel that you can't do that on your own, ask your area director to set up a mediation so that you can all work out the issues together. If you just ask for a rematch without doing this, your area director will probably insist that you try to work things out first anyway, especially since it has only been one month. Most area directors will not be happy to help an au pair find a new family just because she wasn't brought along on an expensive vacation and says she doesn't like the city after only being there for a month. If you are just looking for a way to get to NY or California - area directors will see through that, as will families who will interview you while you are in re-match. (I am not minimizing the issues with the host child; this is really something that the host family needs to work on with you, and if they don't, that could be valid grounds for rematch.) We have had good relationships with all of our au pairs, but we could not afford to take them along on a Mexican vacation. As other posters have pointed out, this could add several thousand dollars to a trip. Though you say they are a well-off family, it may just appear that way to you, but unless you truly know their financial circumstances, how are you sure that they could easily afford to take you on this trip? Did they tell you as much? You also say it will not be a vacation week - so that means that on top of this week off, you will be getting two more. Not a bad deal, in my opinion, especially when you have just started working and have actually only earned one vacation day so far, according to program rules (you earn one day per month). Use the week to explore Philadelphia and try to meet people. Take a trip up to NY for the day, or for a few days. You could have a great time. You definitely shouldn't feel obligated to stick around to open the door for the workers, and hopefully you could ask the HF if they wouldn't mind having someone else do this for them on the days that you plan to be away. Whenever we go away, if there is something that we might want the AP to take care of while we are away (water the plants, let the dog out, take in the mail), we always ask the AP first what her plans are and if she wouldn't mind doing these things, and we make very clear that we can and will ask someone else to do it so that she shouldn't feel obligated. Sometimes our AP would say yes, and sometimes no - either way was fine with us, because we know that is not her job. But often, our AP would be very happy to have the house to herself for a couple of days, and not mind doing a few small things around the house. Other times, she'd have plans or want to be away overnight or not be tied to the house at specific times, and we'd just arrange for others to come in and do these things, the same as we'd do if we did not have an AP. |