Host family leaving for a vacation without the Au Pair
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Anonymous
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And to add on (I'm one of the PPs; I see your other responses now too): you say you would have paid your own way for this trip. This tells me that (1) you actually don't have any idea how expensive this trip could be, and that therefore your assumptions about the family's finances are probably incorrect; or (2) you yourself come from a fairly well-off background, if you have $1000+ US dollars to spend on a vacation right now with a family you don't know that well yet. Even if you saved up lots of money to bring with you to the US on your AP year because you worked hard at home before coming here (instead of your family giving you this money), you probably would not be willing to drop it all so quickly on this vacation. Why not use that money to go to Mexico on your actual vacation week, with friends? Or anywhere else? Buying a last-minute plane ticket to Mexico is not cheap, and you have no idea how expensive the hotel might be. Maybe the wedding party is paying for part of the trip for the family, but did not offer to pay for an extra person....If you think you have enough money to pay for this trip, and it's because your family gives you lots of money, that might also explain your cavalier attitude toward re-matching.
Though, I do not want to gang up on you if I am reading this situation in the wrong way, and making incorrect assumptions about your own financial circumstances. I do think that the child's behavior and having to stay in the house to let in workmen if you are not comfortable with that - and because that is not your job - are real and legitimate issues, and hopefully when you talk this all over with your LCC, you will find a good solution. But as I stated above, and other posters have stated - the way your situation sounds "on paper" right now, you don't make a good impression as a re-match candidate. |
Anonymous
I am from Europe, what's wrong in what I said ? I guess I didn't use the right word in my sentence ... I have been in the US for a few weeks but studied English at University back home. I'm sorry you think my post is suspect. I'm only here to get some advice. If you don't believe what I say, just skip my post 
It's hard enoug staying at someone's house and not feel ok, and we are very few au pairs in the area, I didn't bond with them (nothing in common besides our job). And I work on Saturdays (part of the day, evening) and I'm done at 9.30pm in the evening, they never put their kid to bed even if they're home. The kid is not said no to by his parents and by me either. They let it go at school because they don't have a choice. He is not spoiled rotten, he doesn't have many toys, but he gets his way in many aspects. Like in the morning, he's barely awake and says he wants to have breakfast at mcdonalds ... And there we go, I have to go to mcdonald's to buy him his breakfast !! Which is not close by, we have to take the car to go there ... I'm sorry if I'm judgemental with the mother's lifestlyle. It's none of my business of course. I was just trying to explain how this family works
By the way, the dad works from home and he's always interfering when I'm on duty with his son. That's why he told me I shouldn't tell him "no", that he's old enough to make his own choices. It's not easy having the dad at home but I'm getting used to it. The fact they leave me out for the mexico trip is what's bothering me, I went up to my bedroom right after they told me and I was really bummed the whole evening. And there's no tv in my bedroom, I'm really bored. They want to share the family tv so everybody can be together but I don't think we want to watch the same things. Philadelphia is nice but we are in the suburbs and I work on Saturdays (from about 11am to 5pm + evening babysitting because they go out as a couple). And on Sundays I am tired and depressed 
I have seen my LLC and she's willing to help me but I need to talk to my family first and then we'll see what we can do. I'm not looking for a rematch to get to a fancier place than Philly, I didn't mind about the location when I chose to be an AP, I just wanted to find a respectful family and study. |
Anonymous
I said I could have paid for my own way for this trip with my personal money. I work and study back home and I have some money to travel on my 2 weeks off and for the travel month as well. My family didn't give me money to travel, they paid for my visa (about $200) and my agency fee was free. And again, I know I am not wrong by saying the family's well off. They have great jobs, a beautiful house etc. But I don't care about their financial situation, I only mentioned it to reply the person that said I have no idea how they live. I don't think my attitude is cavalier ... I wanted to feel part of a family, they told me that several times, in their letter/file to me, in person, several times when I got there ... and when there's a chance for me to feel included and accepted, I'm suddenly a stranger! That's how I feel and I don't think I can forgive them ! My decision is taken, I will ask for a rematch, I'm mad at them and I'd rather be with people who make me feel part of the family, not just help. |
Anonymous
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Ok, OP, sounds like you're set on rematching and I agree based on some of the things you've said that maybe that's the best option. For example, the kids should not be hitting you, it will be impossible to maintain control of the kids if you're not allowed to say no, if you're working every evening and all day Saturday, it will be difficult to get out and make friends. I don't like that they told you to be home for the workman rather than asking. So I'm with you on all that, seriously.
But I still think your posts are coming across pretty immature in some spots. You're not going to find the perfect family that welcomes you as truly and totally a member of the family. That's not what this program is. The au pair/host parent relationship is a tricky one - yes, we treat our au pairs like a member of our family in that we think about her when we make big or small decision and we welcome her along to most of our activities. We think about her needs too when scheduling her. We make sure she can get out and have a great year. But a lot of it is on her - I'm not her social director, she knew her schedule and our situation when she matched with us, and at the end of the day, I'm paying quite a bit of money for what is at it's root, a service. So yes, we treat our au pairs very well and similar to a member of the family. But they need to hold up their end of the deal as well. And seriously, as a host mom - get over the vacation thing. It is not personal AT ALL. It's possible they think you would have been bored to tears at a family wedding and they think they're doing you a favor. If you go to your LCC whining that they didn't take you to Mexico, you will find yourself back home quickly. So you're bored because...you don't have a TV in your room? You're not here for a year to watch TV. Get out of the house. Contact your LCC to hook you up with some other au pairs. There may not be a lot in your immediate area, but there are TONS in Philadelphia. Can't find any au pairs? Join a club, go to a bar and start talking to people, whatever. It is a great, big city with lots of young people, but they're not going to show up on your doorstep to drag you out of your depression. You want the most out of this year, you've got to go and get it. So you're tired on Sunday? You're not here for the year to sleep all day. Get up and get out. You really need to communicate. You sound like you've spun up this whole reality about how they're treating you like a stranger and you're bailing and they might have absolutely no clue how you're feeling. It sounds like perhaps mediation and rematch might be best for all of you, but when you start over, think long and hard about what you really want out of this year and appreciate the positives of whatever family you end up with. Best of luck to you, truly. |
Anonymous
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Thank you for your long reply
The kid has a habit of kicking me on the leg when he gets home and says "hi ...", mistaking my name on purpose ... and he did kick me too in front of his parents and they were laughing ... inside I was very angry
I understand what you say about the program and I guess I was expecting too much when I got here and that my reaction to their leaving without me sounds immature and selfish from me. I'm sad that they chose not to include me, and it's hard for me to move on because the other things that are not ok have added to each other. It's hard for me to get out at night because I'm done at 9.30pm after I put the kid to bed and most au pairs, who are not close by either, go out earlier than that. So I'm not included in their plans and I understand that. Sometimes I go out to the mall by myself or to borders to check stationary and books and drink some coffee by myself. So there are evenings that I'd be happy to watch some tv. Just like anybody else
About being tired, I didn't get over the jet lag yet and I take naps during the day because I am bored/depressed/tired. I know I should stop taking these naps to feel better. My decision is taken and I will leave this family. There's not much left from the sympathy I had for them before my coming and when I got here, right now I'm just angry and want to move on. I'll let you know how it goes Thank you.
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Anonymous
| I am so sorry for your bad experience with these people. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP that posted the long response. It does sound like this is not a good family match for you. I think maybe you're realizing that them leaving you on the Mexico trip was not really the main problem, but rather one small part out of many issues you are having. I completely agree with you that working every night until 9:30pm means you're going to have a tough time making friends and I personally don't think that's a reasonable schedule for an au pair. It is absolutely not ok for your host child to be harming you and your host parents should 100% make sure that doesn't happen. Seriously if the host kid is kicking you and the host dad laughs, you need to leave. Your LCC should be completely supportive on that and you should be clear that THAT is why you want to leave. To make sure I'm clear, if you tell them you want to leave because you "don't feel like they are treating you like a family member" after only a month, or because they want you to use the family TV, or because you're in the suburbs, or because they didn't take you to Mexico - you will have a really really hard time finding another family. I think I was being a little over-the-top about the TV thing and getting out of the house - of course you'll need a break sometimes too. But especially in the first few months you need to work HARD to make sure you're not making the easy choices. When you're homesick and jetlagged, it's easy to just want to stay home and nap or watch TV. Remember though that your first few months are going to make or break your year. I have a lot of respect for au pairs - at 22 or so, I would never have been able to put myself out there as much as you all have to do in that first few months just to make some friends. It is really difficult. But you have to do it or you will be miserable all year. I think maybe trying to shift some of your focus off of the family treating you completely like one of their own might help - shift that need for belonging and support out into making some good friends in your cluster and getting out to know the city. Presumably any family - even the nicest, most fair family ever - is going to be super busy with their own jobs and kids and house and is not going to be able to fulfill all your needs to belong. That's where you're going to have to make the effort to make the most of your year. |
Anonymous
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After a month, travel from Europe, OP you are not jet-lagged anymore. You are probably depressed and that's why you are so tired and napping.
Have you signed up for a class? Have you joined a gym? Do you have any hobbies? You need to get out there, I agree with PP. Have you talked with your HP about the week they will be in Mexico in a conversation - can you ask if they are open to you taking some time to travel while they are away? You need to allow your HF some space too . . . going with the HF on vacation is not a right or expectation. Talk with your LCC. Find other APs to talk to - in your cluster, on facebook groups, wherever. Maybe rematch is right for you . . . but there are probably not a lot of other families with just one school-aged child looking for a rematch AP. Be prepared that your rematch family may be more demanding (more children or younger children). |
Anonymous
| It sounds like the Au Pair program isn't for you. |
Anonymous
How much availability are you thinking most LCCs have for this sort of thing? |
Anonymous
Maybe I don't understand your question, but this is what LCCs DO. When a host family or an au pair has an issue or needs assistance, they help. I'm a host mom, but ours has counseled us through some solutions to issues we were having, offered to come to our house to talk to all of us, hooked my au pair up with friends or rides, and suggested courses to her to complete her educational requirement. She maintains lists of things to do with kids, events happening in the city, checks in with all the au pairs monthly with a different monthly cluster meeting, sets up a buddy system for each new au pair, etc. That PP advised the OP to "talk with" her LCC about how she is feeling. If you think an LCC doesn't have time to talk to an au pair who is struggling, then what do you think the point of an LCC is? |
Anonymous
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OP, they may have planned the trip long before your arrival buying plan tickets and reserving a hotel. Its not cheap to buy last minute tickets. A trip like this could easily be $2000 a person. I do not view it as a vacation but a wedding. Personally, I would have brought you if we went and you'd share a room with us so the child did not have to attend the wedding, but I can understand why they did not.
Buy a cheap tv or iPad mini. Your concern is valid and you should have one in your room for down time. But, with that said, we only have one tv we actively use but I'd never expect someone in your situation to share with us. |
Anonymous
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Honestly - I think the OPs reaction to her host family is very common among Au Pairs. You bring a young girl from another country who is slightly immature and you put her in a new culture, where she is expected to work and meet expectations of the host family. That is a large order. I am not saying that it can't work out but I think it is a definite challenge for both parties. Both parties have to have the right mindset to work through it. I don't think OP is.
OPs rationale for being unhappy with her host family over the trip to Mexico are absurd. Yes it is likely thousands of dollars for your host family to put you up. They are also attending a family event....maybe they want to do that on their own. Give them the opportunity to do that. If you don't feel comfortable opening the door for the contractors...then say that. Regarding working hours - was your host family not up front about that when you interviewed with them? Did these change after you arrived? Bashing your host mom - you may not like her because she goes to the gym or goes out with her husband - try to be open minded. You did come for a cultural exchange. She is likely a women with a family trying to make it work. Your host family must have had some redeeming qualities if you felt welcomed. |
Anonymous
I think they do it much more for the families than for the APs. They are typically hard-pressed for time. They simply can't give equal attention to the APs, as the bulk of their paycheck comes from the families, not the APs. |
Anonymous
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15:57, the host family didn't "bring a young girl from another country who is slightly immature and...put her in a new culture.."
The AP sought out the program for whatever reason and the HF didn't bring her...she brought herself. This AP, if she is real, doesn't want to be with this family and probably shouldn't be in the program. Her priorities are inconsistent and strange (one minute she's willing to pay to go to Mexico, the next she is offended they aren't taking her to Mexico. Not to mention later detailed injustices such as no TV in her room! And suddenly she works until 9:30 pm.) Jet lag after a month? The change in her grammar and vocabulary after she was called out for her very American use idioms such as handy? I'm going to call it as it is. This AP is a fake and any energy anyone spends on her fake problems is a waste. |