When dating someone divorced when do o you ask why they split

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[Post New]07/14/2021 23:17
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Anonymous
A red flag for me would be a man who blames his divorce on a sexless marriage- lack of sex. Either she cut him off due to shtty behavior or he is a cheater/sex addict/pervert. Side eye open.
[Post New]07/14/2021 23:40
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:A red flag for me would be a man who blames his divorce on a sexless marriage- lack of sex. Either she cut him off due to shtty behavior or he is a cheater/sex addict/pervert. Side eye open.


See, there is no point in telling women the truth about why your marriage failed, because she will assume it’s all your fault no matter what you say. Might as well fob her off with superficial bullshit.
[Post New]07/15/2021 04:36
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Miraclemomma
Member Offline
I have dated 4 divorced men, all over the age of 40. Usually, their ex-wives are stable, smart, professional and rational people. The man maybe won the genetic lottery with height, good looks, good sex skills or some other charming trait that will easily help a woman look beyond his flaws.

Divorced guy 1- Cheated on his very successful, millionaire wife with an office secretary and was fired from his job. He turned out to be self absorbed sex addict, who was bad at sex. I was young and he took me out to nice places in DC to eat.

Divorced guy 2- Aspie, science nerd and dad who spent all of his waking hours buried in a book. He was very giving and sweet. Turned out he had a micro penis!

Divorced guy 3- Handsome, confident, narcissistic and fun dad of 2 small children. I actually found letters his ex wife sent explaining why she divorced him. She said he was self absorbed, needed therapy and refused to change. In dating him, I learned he was verbally abusive, critical and had a little bit of psychosis/personality disorder.

Divorced guy 4- Chivalrous attorney, active dad of a 12 year old. His 40 something wife went out and voluntarily became a single mother to a newborn less than 1 year after divorce. I learn that this guy has serious sexual hangups around pregnancy, yet he won't get a vasectomy.

My anecdotal experiences reveal that most men have some hangups that they will likely never get over. Men are very fixed. Marriage is an easy ploy because women love the idea of being chosen vs. actually figuring out if the relationship can last. Men are famous for latching on to a woman who will tolerate their quirks.

That being said, all my divorced men were wonderful to me. They appreciate sex, affection and want to have fun experiences. I didn't feel compelled to want to marry or even have an exclusive relationship with any of them after dating them.
[Post New]07/15/2021 06:32
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Anonymous
My DH was divorced when we met. ‘His’ version of the divorce was that ex was a fine person but there were not compatible, got married too young, and at 40 decided they didn’t want to live half lives anymore. So no, you won’t always get a crazy ex wife/husband story.

I will also add that what’s more important is the relationship they still maintain with their ex. Are they responsible co-parents? Do they share in educational decisions?

Although dating a divorced person isn’t ideal- it gives you insight into how they handle dramatic events. Divorce is dramatic- and if they can come out with little/no baggage it’s a big ‘win’ in my opinion.
[Post New]07/15/2021 08:00
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:A red flag for me would be a man who blames his divorce on a sexless marriage- lack of sex. Either she cut him off due to shtty behavior or he is a cheater/sex addict/pervert. Side eye open.


Ha. Yeah. We were having sex several times per week while spouse was cheating. So true.
[Post New]07/15/2021 08:03
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Anonymous
This thread is why if something happens, I will never get married again.

At 51, every potential dating partner will be divorced (or lying and married!).
[Post New]07/15/2021 08:08
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Anonymous
Men are famous for latching on to a woman who will tolerate their quirks.


You mean trying to make a go of it with a real world opportunity. As opposed to a woman who sneers at any man lacking statistically improbable height, income, or status. Riight, men are terrible.
[Post New]07/15/2021 08:31
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Anonymous
I'm a divorced female and have never shared details about why I'm divorced. My ex-DH did some pretty awful things but I just say something generic, like we probably got together too young and it didn't work out.
[Post New]07/15/2021 09:00
quote
Anonymous
Men are famous for latching on to a woman who will tolerate their quirks.


Men are famous for putting up with an infinite amount of female bs just to get a whiff of p*ssy. Indeed, they keep putting up with the bs and the expense even after the p*ssy becomes increasingly infrequent or even cut off completely (see: marriage).
[Post New]07/15/2021 09:32
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have dated a lot of divorced dads.

If they haven’t explained by date three or four, I ask around then.

I agree you should take anything they tell you with a grain of salt


I’m a divorced dad. The advice I got was “never badmouth your ex, if you do then the person hearing it will think YOU are the bad guy”.

So, when dates ask me, I provide anodyne platitudes.

I told my lawyer the real reasons, I see no need to tell anyone else.


Guys give a lot of superficial things like “our personalities were different!” Duh.


Honestly, I see women try to push a lot as why their ex was bad and why they ended up getting divorced. Men tend to avoid this topic and women trying too hard is a tell-tell that they are not owning responsibility and tend to repeat the same mistakes again.
[Post New]07/15/2021 09:34
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:My ExH was not a serial cheater. He had a secret second life for 6 years before I found out. Across Atlantic, on his business trips - they were renting apartments, traveling. And in parallel he had a picture-perfect DC life with me- son in private school and sports, traveling, outings with friends. I cant say we had sex every day, but we always had it at least once a week on weekends, like many other couples married for a long time. I am a former model, 2 masters' degrees. His affair partner was 11 years older than me, a married mother of 2. The woman definitely saw her "best times" judging from her photos (never met her in person since my divorce).

What do I tell instead of all this crazy shit?


Sorry, you went through this PP? What do you think was lacking in between you and your ex-H in your marriage? I think that's what you should focus and show as a sign on learning and improving from past experience. I could see that you are still resentful and for the obvious reasons but a new guy won't be interested in hearing too much of it. Have you gone to therapy?
[Post New]07/15/2021 09:50
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Men are famous for latching on to a woman who will tolerate their quirks.


Men are famous for putting up with an infinite amount of female bs just to get a whiff of p*ssy. Indeed, they keep putting up with the bs and the expense even after the p*ssy becomes increasingly infrequent or even cut off completely (see: marriage).


It's why they bang women way below their worth when having affairs too. If it's free, easy, discreet and doesn't talk back---game on.
[Post New]07/15/2021 09:53
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My ExH was not a serial cheater. He had a secret second life for 6 years before I found out. Across Atlantic, on his business trips - they were renting apartments, traveling. And in parallel he had a picture-perfect DC life with me- son in private school and sports, traveling, outings with friends. I cant say we had sex every day, but we always had it at least once a week on weekends, like many other couples married for a long time. I am a former model, 2 masters' degrees. His affair partner was 11 years older than me, a married mother of 2. The woman definitely saw her "best times" judging from her photos (never met her in person since my divorce).

What do I tell instead of all this crazy shit?


Sorry, you went through this PP? What do you think was lacking in between you and your ex-H in your marriage? I think that's what you should focus and show as a sign on learning and improving from past experience. I could see that you are still resentful and for the obvious reasons but a new guy won't be interested in hearing too much of it. Have you gone to therapy?


WTF???????????????????? What was wrong with her marriage??? Her Husband is what was wrong!! Only a sociopath or extreme narcissist can lead a double life. Nothing was wrong with HER. Quit blaming the victim.

Women do this (blame the victim) because they don't want to believe being betrayed could happen to them. A wife can be hot, a high earner, never nagging, hot in the bedroom and fun...and some men will still cheat. It's 2021, listen to Esther Perel, so often cheaters will say they did it to 'feel alive' and that they love their spouse, they are a great person. It's a person with awful coping skills or going through internal crisis.
[Post New]07/15/2021 10:25
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My ExH was not a serial cheater. He had a secret second life for 6 years before I found out. Across Atlantic, on his business trips - they were renting apartments, traveling. And in parallel he had a picture-perfect DC life with me- son in private school and sports, traveling, outings with friends. I cant say we had sex every day, but we always had it at least once a week on weekends, like many other couples married for a long time. I am a former model, 2 masters' degrees. His affair partner was 11 years older than me, a married mother of 2. The woman definitely saw her "best times" judging from her photos (never met her in person since my divorce).

What do I tell instead of all this crazy shit?


Sorry, you went through this PP? What do you think was lacking in between you and your ex-H in your marriage? I think that's what you should focus and show as a sign on learning and improving from past experience. I could see that you are still resentful and for the obvious reasons but a new guy won't be interested in hearing too much of it. Have you gone to therapy?


WTF???????????????????? What was wrong with her marriage??? Her Husband is what was wrong!! Only a sociopath or extreme narcissist can lead a double life. Nothing was wrong with HER. Quit blaming the victim.

Women do this (blame the victim) because they don't want to believe being betrayed could happen to them. A wife can be hot, a high earner, never nagging, hot in the bedroom and fun...and some men will still cheat. It's 2021, listen to Esther Perel, so often cheaters will say they did it to 'feel alive' and that they love their spouse, they are a great person. It's a person with awful coping skills or going through internal crisis.


100% this. NP here - my cheating Ex-H was having a mid-life crisis. Death in his family, work crisis, etc. Escapism is his go-to coping mechanism and it lead him to seek excitement from someone who didn't know the real deal about his life and who he is.
[Post New]07/15/2021 10:27
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My ExH was not a serial cheater. He had a secret second life for 6 years before I found out. Across Atlantic, on his business trips - they were renting apartments, traveling. And in parallel he had a picture-perfect DC life with me- son in private school and sports, traveling, outings with friends. I cant say we had sex every day, but we always had it at least once a week on weekends, like many other couples married for a long time. I am a former model, 2 masters' degrees. His affair partner was 11 years older than me, a married mother of 2. The woman definitely saw her "best times" judging from her photos (never met her in person since my divorce).

What do I tell instead of all this crazy shit?


Sorry, you went through this PP? What do you think was lacking in between you and your ex-H in your marriage? I think that's what you should focus and show as a sign on learning and improving from past experience. I could see that you are still resentful and for the obvious reasons but a new guy won't be interested in hearing too much of it. Have you gone to therapy?


WTF???????????????????? What was wrong with her marriage??? Her Husband is what was wrong!! Only a sociopath or extreme narcissist can lead a double life. Nothing was wrong with HER. Quit blaming the victim.

Women do this (blame the victim) because they don't want to believe being betrayed could happen to them. A wife can be hot, a high earner, never nagging, hot in the bedroom and fun...and some men will still cheat. It's 2021, listen to Esther Perel, so often cheaters will say they did it to 'feel alive' and that they love their spouse, they are a great person. It's a person with awful coping skills or going through internal crisis.


100% this. NP here - my cheating Ex-H was having a mid-life crisis. Death in his family, work crisis, etc. Escapism is his go-to coping mechanism and it lead him to seek excitement from someone who didn't know the real deal about his life and who he is.


+1 and they think they will never get caught so nobody will get hurt. Compartmentalization/escapism. They keep these things in separate boxes.
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