When dating someone divorced when do o you ask why they split

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Men are famous for latching on to a woman who will tolerate their quirks.

You mean trying to make a go of it with a real world opportunity. As opposed to a woman who sneers at any man lacking statistically improbable height, income, or status. Riight, men are terrible.

Damn straight beo

[Anonymous]

I often wonder what my exh told his girlfriend. He certainly did NOT tell her had a DWI and a head on crash that almost killed someone. Or that he was effing his secretary. I feel so bad for her because he is hot mess but can hid it well.

[Anonymous]

*hide

[Anonymous]

I work in a male dominators industry with many male contacts I’ve know over the years. Every once in a while I ended up sitting next to them at a lunch or dinner or at the airport. We catch up and they say, ugh I’m divorced now, you know what this job does… (ie workaholic).

So majority of the time my male contacts say they were working too much and neglected their wife, house and kids. That killed the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just know you will get “his/her version”.

If he/she cheated, they will say their spouse did.

If he/she was a pr@ck, it will be the other one that was.

A lot of people carry their same issues into the next marriage, particularly the ones that are blameless.

So if you were cheated on, how are you supposed to answer this question?

+1. DH cheated on me with many women -- prostitutes, work colleagues, craiglist randos, etc. How on earth do I talk about why I am divorced? AFAIK, we had a good sex life (3-4 times a week), but he told me gigantic and detailed lies, which were only revealed by my accidentally stumbling across something. I followed the thread and unraveled everything, protected myself and the kids, etc. I've taken quite some time to settle myself and the kids (full custody to me).

Am I undateable because people think his cheating is a reflection on me? If I tell this story, do people really think that I was the one doing that cheating? Do they really think I'm telling only "my side" of the story? What on earth is the "other side" of a story where the DH is cheating with dozens of women over the space of a few years?

I just posted and noticed you have a similar story to me. Please post if you find a way around telling the horror story without terrifying your date.

I’m so sheltered and naive. Are you saying that people judge someone for divorcing a sex addict? I guess I thought most people would be understanding of someone not wanting the lifestyle of being married to a sex addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a divorced man who has given my version more than once. Like everything with dating, if she’s inclined to like me already, what I say sounds perfect. If not, it doesn’t.

You will definitely get his version, but if he shts on his ex, it’s a major tell.

+1

If he owns his part in the marriage's demise and does not crap on his ex, that's a great sign. Also would show he's not a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a divorced man who has given my version more than once. Like everything with dating, if she’s inclined to like me already, what I say sounds perfect. If not, it doesn’t.

You will definitely get his version, but if he shts on his ex, it’s a major tell.

+1

If he owns his part in the marriage's demise and does not crap on his ex, that's a great sign. Also would show he's not a narcissist.

haha, narcs would be great at telling you what you want to hear to bolster their image. not a problem.
but if you read between the lines they try to spread the blame widely: it was a "complex marriage" (not really, he just wouldn't communicate or care for anyone but himself); my ex refused to go to couples counseling (common knowledge you don't go with a narc or abuser, she want to individual therapy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in a male dominators industry with many male contacts I’ve know over the years. Every once in a while I ended up sitting next to them at a lunch or dinner or at the airport. We catch up and they say, ugh I’m divorced now, you know what this job does… (ie workaholic).

So majority of the time my male contacts say they were working too much and neglected their wife, house and kids. That killed the marriage.

+1 pretty common around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just know you will get “his/her version”.

If he/she cheated, they will say their spouse did.

If he/she was a pr@ck, it will be the other one that was.

A lot of people carry their same issues into the next marriage, particularly the ones that are blameless.

So if you were cheated on, how are you supposed to answer this question?

+1. DH cheated on me with many women -- prostitutes, work colleagues, craiglist randos, etc. How on earth do I talk about why I am divorced? AFAIK, we had a good sex life (3-4 times a week), but he told me gigantic and detailed lies, which were only revealed by my accidentally stumbling across something. I followed the thread and unraveled everything, protected myself and the kids, etc. I've taken quite some time to settle myself and the kids (full custody to me).

Am I undateable because people think his cheating is a reflection on me? If I tell this story, do people really think that I was the one doing that cheating? Do they really think I'm telling only "my side" of the story? What on earth is the "other side" of a story where the DH is cheating with dozens of women over the space of a few years?

I just posted and noticed you have a similar story to me. Please post if you find a way around telling the horror story without terrifying your date.

I’m so sheltered and naive. Are you saying that people judge someone for divorcing a sex addict? I guess I thought most people would be understanding of someone not wanting the lifestyle of being married to a sex addict.

DP. Nobody should judge you for this. But I’d want you to show that you have recovered from the trauma and are ready to be in a relationship. (male or female.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ExH was not a serial cheater. He had a secret second life for 6 years before I found out. Across Atlantic, on his business trips - they were renting apartments, traveling. And in parallel he had a picture-perfect DC life with me- son in private school and sports, traveling, outings with friends. I cant say we had sex every day, but we always had it at least once a week on weekends, like many other couples married for a long time. I am a former model, 2 masters' degrees. His affair partner was 11 years older than me, a married mother of 2. The woman definitely saw her "best times" judging from her photos (never met her in person since my divorce).

What do I tell instead of all this crazy shit?

Sorry, you went through this PP? What do you think was lacking in between you and your ex-H in your marriage? I think that's what you should focus and show as a sign on learning and improving from past experience. I could see that you are still resentful and for the obvious reasons but a new guy won't be interested in hearing too much of it. Have you gone to therapy?

What? No. “Lacking between her and the ex” was he had a second family. And that’s all she needs to say. “He had a second family; it’s painful to talk about but obviously I could not stay.”

Emotional continence is the value here.

[Anonymous]

That was an easy question for me. She died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask before first date or on first date. Divorced people have been thrown back by someone for a reason. Look thoroughly to find the fatal flaws.

This attitude is so damaged and damaging. The reality is that even normal flaws in a divorced person will be more easily perceived as fatal just bc someone already decided they were. The same traits in a first marriage might never lead to divorce between two people committed to staying married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask before first date or on first date. Divorced people have been thrown back by someone for a reason. Look thoroughly to find the fatal flaws.

This attitude is so damaged and damaging. The reality is that even normal flaws in a divorced person will be more easily perceived as fatal just bc someone already decided they were. The same traits in a first marriage might never lead to divorce between two people committed to staying married.

It’s not “being committed to marriage” no matter what’s happening or how you’re mistreated, it’s a question of “How much do you put up with (if the person won’t manage their issues”.

Maybe someone who’s a slob will find another slob and they both live Ok together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A red flag for me would be a man who blames his divorce on a sexless marriage- lack of sex. Either she cut him off due to shtty behavior or he is a cheater/sex addict/pervert. Side eye open.

Sorry man hater, many other reasons a marriage is sexless and it’s not always the man’s fault. Nice try though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was divorced when we met. ‘His’ version of the divorce was that ex was a fine person but there were not compatible, got married too young, and at 40 decided they didn’t want to live half lives anymore. So no, you won’t always get a crazy ex wife/husband story.

I will also add that what’s more important is the relationship they still maintain with their ex. Are they responsible co-parents? Do they share in educational decisions?

Although dating a divorced person isn’t ideal- it gives you insight into how they handle dramatic events. Divorce is dramatic- and if they can come out with little/no baggage it’s a big ‘win’ in my opinion.

I sense you haven’t been married long.