When dating someone divorced when do o you ask why they split

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just know you will get “his/her version”.

If he/she cheated, they will say their spouse did.

If he/she was a pr@ck, it will be the other one that was.

A lot of people carry their same issues into the next marriage, particularly the ones that are blameless.

So if you were cheated on, how are you supposed to answer this question?

[Anonymous]

Of course. You may not get the full truth but how they answer the question is a tell in itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just know you will get “his/her version”.

If he/she cheated, they will say their spouse did.

If he/she was a pr@ck, it will be the other one that was.

A lot of people carry their same issues into the next marriage, particularly the ones that are blameless.

So if you were cheated on, how are you supposed to answer this question?

+1. DH cheated on me with many women -- prostitutes, work colleagues, craiglist randos, etc. How on earth do I talk about why I am divorced? AFAIK, we had a good sex life (3-4 times a week), but he told me gigantic and detailed lies, which were only revealed by my accidentally stumbling across something. I followed the thread and unraveled everything, protected myself and the kids, etc. I've taken quite some time to settle myself and the kids (full custody to me).

Am I undateable because people think his cheating is a reflection on me? If I tell this story, do people really think that I was the one doing that cheating? Do they really think I'm telling only "my side" of the story? What on earth is the "other side" of a story where the DH is cheating with dozens of women over the space of a few years?

[Anonymous]

Ask as soon as you would ask another date about their past relationships.

I am married to someone who was a divorced father. I didn’t care about his past relationships until we were thinking about getting serious. Also, just like when you share about your past relationships, more and more will come out over time.

I don’t think my DH is perfect, and I can see how some of his habits that make me frustrated but I can live with could make someone else bonkers. I don’t think his ex is a horrible monster, but I can see how they have never figured out how to work together when they don’t agree (I see their coparenting which is challenging). Sometimes people really aren’t a good fit together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he had kids and got divorced AND you do not intend to have kids with him, a lot of things and bad habits don't matter. Life won't ever be as complicated or the need for true teamwork as raising and parenting kids.

So let him give his side of the story. And then just your judgement on how he communicates, provides emotional support, deals with conflict, takes care of things or people... and anything else you need from a personal or romantic relationship.

This.

Bachelor days before kids and bachelor days once kids aren’t around much (grown or split/no custody) is all some can handle. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just know you will get “his/her version”.

If he/she cheated, they will say their spouse did.

If he/she was a pr@ck, it will be the other one that was.

A lot of people carry their same issues into the next marriage, particularly the ones that are blameless.

So if you were cheated on, how are you supposed to answer this question?

+1. DH cheated on me with many women -- prostitutes, work colleagues, craiglist randos, etc. How on earth do I talk about why I am divorced? AFAIK, we had a good sex life (3-4 times a week), but he told me gigantic and detailed lies, which were only revealed by my accidentally stumbling across something. I followed the thread and unraveled everything, protected myself and the kids, etc. I've taken quite some time to settle myself and the kids (full custody to me).

Am I undateable because people think his cheating is a reflection on me? If I tell this story, do people really think that I was the one doing that cheating? Do they really think I'm telling only "my side" of the story? What on earth is the "other side" of a story where the DH is cheating with dozens of women over the space of a few years?

Yes. It sucks. Betrayed spouses are constantly stigmatized, even long after. Society assumes you were frigid or something was wrong with you. It's highly common to have a sex life like you describe and be cheated on. It's what's wrong with the cheater.

I just don't see any woman that got caught having an affair and dumped telling future dates that the reason was for her extramarital sex/lies. They most likely will say their husband was emotionally abusive or the classic 'we grew apart'.

OF course, this just makes it harder for the good people that were screwed over and deceived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he had kids and got divorced AND you do not intend to have kids with him, a lot of things and bad habits don't matter. Life won't ever be as complicated or the need for true teamwork as raising and parenting kids.

So let him give his side of the story. And then just your judgement on how he communicates, provides emotional support, deals with conflict, takes care of things or people... and anything else you need from a personal or romantic relationship.

This.

Bachelor days before kids and bachelor days once kids aren’t around much (grown or split/no custody) is all some can handle. Enjoy!

Eh not really. Step momming young kids is still some of that parenting stress.

[Anonymous]

I have dated a lot of divorced dads.

If they haven’t explained by date three or four, I ask around then.

I agree you should take anything they tell you with a grain of salt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he had kids and got divorced AND you do not intend to have kids with him, a lot of things and bad habits don't matter. Life won't ever be as complicated or the need for true teamwork as raising and parenting kids.

So let him give his side of the story. And then just your judgement on how he communicates, provides emotional support, deals with conflict, takes care of things or people... and anything else you need from a personal or romantic relationship.

This.

Bachelor days before kids and bachelor days once kids aren’t around much (grown or split/no custody) is all some can handle. Enjoy!

Eh not really. Step momming young kids is still some of that parenting stress.

Was it OP that said she “doesn’t mind his bad habits but could see how other would?”

So maybe 20% or 50% custody is the magic solution to his hitting the wall on child rearing. She makes no mention of step-momming yet. But there is real risk that if they marry she gets dumped on for house and kid stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have dated a lot of divorced dads.

If they haven’t explained by date three or four, I ask around then.

I agree you should take anything they tell you with a grain of salt

I’m a divorced dad. The advice I got was “never badmouth your ex, if you do then the person hearing it will think YOU are the bad guy”.

So, when dates ask me, I provide anodyne platitudes.

I told my lawyer the real reasons, I see no need to tell anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have dated a lot of divorced dads.

If they haven’t explained by date three or four, I ask around then.

I agree you should take anything they tell you with a grain of salt

I’m a divorced dad. The advice I got was “never badmouth your ex, if you do then the person hearing it will think YOU are the bad guy”.

So, when dates ask me, I provide anodyne platitudes.

I told my lawyer the real reasons, I see no need to tell anyone else.

You are wise. Badmouthing an ex only makes you look bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask before first date or on first date. Divorced people have been thrown back by someone for a reason. Look thoroughly to find the fatal flaws.

By the third date, you should know his credit score and if he suffers from mental illness.

I would have looked all that up by the first date, certainly after. Go into family court in the county he lives. Often a divorce decree tells a lot about a person.

[Anonymous]

Of course you ask. Maybe not right away but certainly when it gets serious. You need to be able to talk about these things, even if you only get his version, his willingness to discuss the painful parts of his past tells you about how he will communicate with you.

I don’t understand folks who don’t ask questions. FWIW my DH was divorced when we met. Not only did I ask y it ended but I asked for a copy of the divorce decree. I needed to know what I was getting into when we decided to marry. YOU are responsible for doing the due diligence to protect yourself in all matters and don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.

[Anonymous]

None of this waiting until it gets serious. I asked on date #2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you ask. Maybe not right away but certainly when it gets serious. You need to be able to talk about these things, even if you only get his version, his willingness to discuss the painful parts of his past tells you about how he will communicate with you.

I don’t understand folks who don’t ask questions. FWIW my DH was divorced when we met. Not only did I ask y it ended but I asked for a copy of the divorce decree. I needed to know what I was getting into when we decided to marry. YOU are responsible for doing the due diligence to protect yourself in all matters and don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.

Obviously he didn't understand what he got into when he decided to marry you is that YOU ARE CRAZY.

When you asked to see his divorce decree, he should have broken up with you on the spot.