When dating someone divorced when do o you ask why they split

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was an easy question for me. She died.

If she died, no divorce was needed,,,, you are a widow, not a divorcee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder what my exh told his girlfriend. He certainly did NOT tell her had a DWI and a head on crash that almost killed someone. Or that he was effing his secretary. I feel so bad for her because he is hot mess but can hid it well.

I also wonder what my ex told his new wife. He didn’t have any custody of his kids, just visited them in my house or took them out for dinner - no overnights.

How is that not a major red flag?

[Anonymous]

I had a first date recently and he said something about his wife that led me to ask if that was why they got divorced. He said, "I don't know why we got divorced." I said, "Oh, so it wasn't your idea, then?" He said no, then we were interrupted. Seemed odd to say he didn't know... I am wondering if this is a red flag. (I am not divorced)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you ask. Maybe not right away but certainly when it gets serious. You need to be able to talk about these things, even if you only get his version, his willingness to discuss the painful parts of his past tells you about how he will communicate with you.

I don’t understand folks who don’t ask questions. FWIW my DH was divorced when we met. Not only did I ask y it ended but I asked for a copy of the divorce decree. I needed to know what I was getting into when we decided to marry. YOU are responsible for doing the due diligence to protect yourself in all matters and don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.

Obviously he didn't understand what he got into when he decided to marry you is that YOU ARE CRAZY.

When you asked to see his divorce decree, he should have broken up with you on the spot.

+1. Nuts. (I am a divorced woman…I would tell a man to run)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a first date recently and he said something about his wife that led me to ask if that was why they got divorced. He said, "I don't know why we got divorced." I said, "Oh, so it wasn't your idea, then?" He said no, then we were interrupted. Seemed odd to say he didn't know... I am wondering if this is a red flag. (I am not divorced)

What did he say about his ex wife?

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs who say that you should look at their actions and take everything they say with a grain of salt. People after a divorce like to tell nice stories about themselves. Sometimes it's necessary because divorce can be a real blow to your self image and you need to build it back up. But it can lead people to tell themselves stories about their own behavior and their ex's behavior and about how their divorce unfolded that are not always particularly accurate. You have to be wary of that.

A PP mentioned that her DH told a really good story, something like "We got married young and weren't compatible and decided we both deserved to move on at 40." That's a very nice, drama-free story! I am certain it also just scratches the surface of that person's marriage and divorce. It can even be true, and that person can still have lots of issues that you don't want to deal with. I've known a couple people who had divorces like this and one thing they have in common is that they remarried VERY quickly (the men, not the women). They were super eager to fall in love and get married again, which was surprising to me because you'd think if you'd just spent a decade or more in a marriage that you now describe as "over a long time ago" you might be a little more cautious about marrying again. I'll be curious to see how it pans out, but my observation as an outsider is that everyone carries the same issues from their first marriage into their second. I'd want to know what those issues are, and I wouldn't assume that they will have the honesty or the self-awareness to just... tell me.