When dating someone divorced when do o you ask why they split

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you ask. Maybe not right away but certainly when it gets serious. You need to be able to talk about these things, even if you only get his version, his willingness to discuss the painful parts of his past tells you about how he will communicate with you.

I don’t understand folks who don’t ask questions. FWIW my DH was divorced when we met. Not only did I ask y it ended but I asked for a copy of the divorce decree. I needed to know what I was getting into when we decided to marry. YOU are responsible for doing the due diligence to protect yourself in all matters and don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.

Obviously he didn't understand what he got into when he decided to marry you is that YOU ARE CRAZY.

When you asked to see his divorce decree, he should have broken up with you on the spot.

I took it like she wanted to make sure he wasn't married. Still that is over the top. Unless the divorce is sealed anyone can see it. All she had to do was look online, or order a copy. I agree that a dating person needs to get the information themselves. Mainly because someone can claim anything. History doesn't lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask before first date or on first date. Divorced people have been thrown back by someone for a reason. Look thoroughly to find the fatal flaws.

By the third date, you should know his credit score and if he suffers from mental illness.

Amen. Won't get blindsided by this one twice...

I'm always surprised women in this day and age STILL aren't running the background checks. It's dating 101 ladies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask before first date or on first date. Divorced people have been thrown back by someone for a reason. Look thoroughly to find the fatal flaws.

By the third date, you should know his credit score and if he suffers from mental illness.

Amen. Won't get blindsided by this one twice...

I'm always surprised women in this day and age STILL aren't running the background checks. It's dating 101 ladies!

What background check determines who’s aspergers + bipolar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have dated a lot of divorced dads.

If they haven’t explained by date three or four, I ask around then.

I agree you should take anything they tell you with a grain of salt

I’m a divorced dad. The advice I got was “never badmouth your ex, if you do then the person hearing it will think YOU are the bad guy”.

So, when dates ask me, I provide anodyne platitudes.

I told my lawyer the real reasons, I see no need to tell anyone else.

Guys give a lot of superficial things like “our personalities were different!” Duh.

[Anonymous]

I haven't started dating and won't for many years but I seriously do not want to answer this question. My husband had an addiction and went crazy. Like illegally crazy. I don't hate him. I pity him. We kind of get along but he just spends every moment lying and hooking up with random people that grosses me out. How does that ever come across as a non-negative? Is there a way to spin this positively? My husband was a great guy who had an addiction and sadly I couldn't help him? My husband was a great guy but had needs I couldn't fulfill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just know you will get “his/her version”.

If he/she cheated, they will say their spouse did.

If he/she was a pr@ck, it will be the other one that was.

A lot of people carry their same issues into the next marriage, particularly the ones that are blameless.

So if you were cheated on, how are you supposed to answer this question?

+1. DH cheated on me with many women -- prostitutes, work colleagues, craiglist randos, etc. How on earth do I talk about why I am divorced? AFAIK, we had a good sex life (3-4 times a week), but he told me gigantic and detailed lies, which were only revealed by my accidentally stumbling across something. I followed the thread and unraveled everything, protected myself and the kids, etc. I've taken quite some time to settle myself and the kids (full custody to me).

Am I undateable because people think his cheating is a reflection on me? If I tell this story, do people really think that I was the one doing that cheating? Do they really think I'm telling only "my side" of the story? What on earth is the "other side" of a story where the DH is cheating with dozens of women over the space of a few years?

I just posted and noticed you have a similar story to me. Please post if you find a way around telling the horror story without terrifying your date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have dated a lot of divorced dads.

If they haven’t explained by date three or four, I ask around then.

I agree you should take anything they tell you with a grain of salt

I’m a divorced dad. The advice I got was “never badmouth your ex, if you do then the person hearing it will think YOU are the bad guy”.

So, when dates ask me, I provide anodyne platitudes.

I told my lawyer the real reasons, I see no need to tell anyone else.

Guys give a lot of superficial things like “our personalities were different!” Duh.

It's a no-win situation for him. If he gives you platitudes then you're unsatisfied, and if he says anything bad about her then that's a "red flag" end he's still bitter, carrying lots of baggage, etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just know you will get “his/her version”.

If he/she cheated, they will say their spouse did.

If he/she was a pr@ck, it will be the other one that was.

A lot of people carry their same issues into the next marriage, particularly the ones that are blameless.

So if you were cheated on, how are you supposed to answer this question?

+1. DH cheated on me with many women -- prostitutes, work colleagues, craiglist randos, etc. How on earth do I talk about why I am divorced? AFAIK, we had a good sex life (3-4 times a week), but he told me gigantic and detailed lies, which were only revealed by my accidentally stumbling across something. I followed the thread and unraveled everything, protected myself and the kids, etc. I've taken quite some time to settle myself and the kids (full custody to me).

Am I undateable because people think his cheating is a reflection on me? If I tell this story, do people really think that I was the one doing that cheating? Do they really think I'm telling only "my side" of the story? What on earth is the "other side" of a story where the DH is cheating with dozens of women over the space of a few years?

I just posted and noticed you have a similar story to me. Please post if you find a way around telling the horror story without terrifying your date.

I am only contemplating getting started post-pandemic, so no good answers yet. FWIW, I saw your post above and think that you can buy yourself some time by just saying that your ex had a substance abuse problem and was unwilling to get help or stop, so obviously you had to end the relationship. Even early on, I would expect someone to ask if you still have contact with him, if he's still using and how you manage continued contact under those circumstances, but hopefully not a lot more.

Obviously, I view disclosure of massive serial cheating as akin to disclosure of other traumatic sexual assault histories -- I am not obliged to disclose my trauma with anyone, ever. If I feel safe, and I feel it's useful to me to disclose, then I will,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have dated a lot of divorced dads.

If they haven’t explained by date three or four, I ask around then.

I agree you should take anything they tell you with a grain of salt

I’m a divorced dad. The advice I got was “never badmouth your ex, if you do then the person hearing it will think YOU are the bad guy”.

So, when dates ask me, I provide anodyne platitudes.

I told my lawyer the real reasons, I see no need to tell anyone else.

Guys give a lot of superficial things like “our personalities were different!” Duh.

It's a no-win situation for him. If he gives you platitudes then you're unsatisfied, and if he says anything bad about her then that's a "red flag" end he's still bitter, carrying lots of baggage, etc etc.

That’s why the posters than said things like See if he worked on himself since his divorce, and See if he can manage conflicts, communicate in a variety of topics, and proactively do real things matters more than a canned response to his divorce. Besides eventually you might meet the (adult) kids or former friends or the Ex. Or see them have to coparent or resolve something. Keep your eyes open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have dated a lot of divorced dads.

If they haven’t explained by date three or four, I ask around then.

I agree you should take anything they tell you with a grain of salt

I’m a divorced dad. The advice I got was “never badmouth your ex, if you do then the person hearing it will think YOU are the bad guy”.

So, when dates ask me, I provide anodyne platitudes.

I told my lawyer the real reasons, I see no need to tell anyone else.

Guys give a lot of superficial things like “our personalities were different!” Duh.

It's a no-win situation for him. If he gives you platitudes then you're unsatisfied, and if he says anything bad about her then that's a "red flag" end he's still bitter, carrying lots of baggage, etc etc.

That’s why the posters than said things like See if he worked on himself since his divorce, and See if he can manage conflicts, communicate in a variety of topics, and proactively do real things matters more than a canned response to his divorce. Besides eventually you might meet the (adult) kids or former friends or the Ex. Or see them have to coparent or resolve something. Keep your eyes open.

If there's one thing I learned in my divorce, it's to listen not to what people say, but instead listen to what they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't started dating and won't for many years but I seriously do not want to answer this question. My husband had an addiction and went crazy. Like illegally crazy. I don't hate him. I pity him. We kind of get along but he just spends every moment lying and hooking up with random people that grosses me out. How does that ever come across as a non-negative? Is there a way to spin this positively? My husband was a great guy who had an addiction and sadly I couldn't help him? My husband was a great guy but had needs I couldn't fulfill?

Honestly, what you said is perfect. If someone told me that I wouldn't hold that against them. That could be because I have family members with addiction problems

[Anonymous]

My ExH was not a serial cheater. He had a secret second life for 6 years before I found out. Across Atlantic, on his business trips - they were renting apartments, traveling. And in parallel he had a picture-perfect DC life with me- son in private school and sports, traveling, outings with friends. I cant say we had sex every day, but we always had it at least once a week on weekends, like many other couples married for a long time. I am a former model, 2 masters' degrees. His affair partner was 11 years older than me, a married mother of 2. The woman definitely saw her "best times" judging from her photos (never met her in person since my divorce).

What do I tell instead of all this crazy shit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have dated a lot of divorced dads.

If they haven’t explained by date three or four, I ask around then.

I agree you should take anything they tell you with a grain of salt

I’m a divorced dad. The advice I got was “never badmouth your ex, if you do then the person hearing it will think YOU are the bad guy”.

So, when dates ask me, I provide anodyne platitudes.

I told my lawyer the real reasons, I see no need to tell anyone else.

Guys give a lot of superficial things like “our personalities were different!” Duh.

It's a no-win situation for him. If he gives you platitudes then you're unsatisfied, and if he says anything bad about her then that's a "red flag" end he's still bitter, carrying lots of baggage, etc etc.

That’s why the posters than said things like See if he worked on himself since his divorce, and See if he can manage conflicts, communicate in a variety of topics, and proactively do real things matters more than a canned response to his divorce. Besides eventually you might meet the (adult) kids or former friends or the Ex. Or see them have to coparent or resolve something. Keep your eyes open.

If there's one thing I learned in my divorce, it's to listen not to what people say, but instead listen to what they do.

+1 million.

SHOW me what you are, don’t TELL me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you ask. Maybe not right away but certainly when it gets serious. You need to be able to talk about these things, even if you only get his version, his willingness to discuss the painful parts of his past tells you about how he will communicate with you.

I don’t understand folks who don’t ask questions. FWIW my DH was divorced when we met. Not only did I ask y it ended but I asked for a copy of the divorce decree. I needed to know what I was getting into when we decided to marry. YOU are responsible for doing the due diligence to protect yourself in all matters and don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.

Obviously he didn't understand what he got into when he decided to marry you is that YOU ARE CRAZY.

When you asked to see his divorce decree, he should have broken up with you on the spot.

I’m the PP you quoted and I’m sorry you think this or it came across that way. I had never dated a divorced person before and I wanted to be sure that I knew what I was getting into. I also didn’t know that information was freely available online at the time. No way would I have married him without knowing what happened in his first marriage and without proof that it was over. We have been married for 11 years now - and happily so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask before first date or on first date. Divorced people have been thrown back by someone for a reason. Look thoroughly to find the fatal flaws.

By the third date, you should know his credit score and if he suffers from mental illness.

Amen. Won't get blindsided by this one twice...

I'm always surprised women in this day and age STILL aren't running the background checks. It's dating 101 ladies!

What background check determines who’s aspergers + bipolar?

I'm a scientist and didn't realize until our son was diagnosed that my husband definitely has ADHD and is also probably high-functioning autistic. The ADHD was confirmed by a psychiatrist. He refuses to pursue testing for the HFA or medicate his ADHD, even though it works wonders for our teen son.

Anyway... all this to say that this isn't the kind of thing you divine on dates. A lot of adults are still part of that generation that don't have a diagnosis, and part of the generation that feels mental health is taboo.