Wife chronically depressed, blames everyone everything for her unhapiness&unfullfillment, I want out

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[Post New]01/03/2020 11:50
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I've been where you are, OP. It sucks. You need to triage while still moving forward on good health for both of you.

1. Continue with relationship counselling so you both better understand what uncontrolled depression is doing to your relationship
-identify concrete steps you both need to take improve your mental health and relationship
-agree to a timeline for the steps to be completed
-these steps should include you both seeing her prescribing psychiatrist to adjust medication. You need to provide imput into the symptoms you see
2. Do a check on your own mental health. Depression is 'contagious'.
3. You may want to see an individual counselor to help you work through what this is doing to you, including figuring out what you're going to do if/when she doesn't comply with the steps in #1
4. Start getting your own financial house in order in the event you separate. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

While depression is a legitimate health issue and may explain behavior/challenges, it cannot be used as an excuse. Your DW does have choices. If she does not choose to seek treatment, your life and your relationship will not get any better. At some point, you will likely develop depression. It's also not a healthy environment for kids. That was the issue for me. When I realized that my own health was negatively impacted by living with XDH and that our kids were better off, I left. Despite my best efforts (making appointments for him, being ready to drive him to the appts, etc.), he chose not to take the helping hands that were offered to him. People can spew all they want about him not being 'able' to take those hands. Doesn't matter. The marriage vows I took don't require me to jeopardize my own well being by staying in the marriage. I have a responsibility to myself and to our kids. Good luck.


thank you for this. I do feel my own mental health and sanity starting to slip. I have personal financial and other goals I'd like to achieve- we have joint goals we would like to acheive...and everything is on hold because there is no moving forward. Walking in place. Traveling without moving. I think I am open to let's say a 6 month goal of active work. But after that, something has got to give. THis is no way to live.
[Post New]01/03/2020 11:52
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Sickness or in health OP. You don't get to abandon your kids because you don't like their mom anymore. Insist on therapy, counseling, meds. Don't be a selfish jerk and leave your kids with a depressed shell of a person. She will likely get at least 50%. Who is going to keep the house clean while your kids are living with a depressed person?

Having little kids is HARD. This stage will pass. If it's important to you to get out more, have more fun, then do it without her if you must. But don't leave your kids with that. OR talk to a lawyer and see if you can get full time custody. You of course do want full time custody, right?

+1. Try to encourage her to agree to get outside help for household chores. Also, to be fair, she IS being treated, but ti sounds like she may need a medication adjustment and perhaps some talk therapy. Help in making arrangements for the kids while she goes to the doctor and while she goes to therapy. Be proactive in making things easier for her. A depressed person may think the house is too messy to have anyone come in and clean. A depressed person may think that she can't get a a babysitter b/c she doesn't know anyone and the house is too messy to bring anyone in to watch the kids, etc., etc.
[Post New]01/03/2020 11:55
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry things are like this and so rough. You know this already, but you can only do so much to help someone with their own mental health issues.

If you haven't already (I've not read the entire thread), it might not be a bad idea to seek your own counseling.


THank you for this.

FOr instance, I suggest going to work out, separately or together. I pick a class or gym for us to attend. She shrugs shoulders. I suggest or pick out an activity to do with the kids- museum, show type thing. She shrugs shoulders and either stays home alone or begrudgingly goes, checked out the whole time.

I cannot and should not live like this. You cannot fix someone who does not want to be helped or who is unwilling to take help/steps that are offered.

But I can't bear to do this to my kids right now, who are so young. And the thought of 2 homes and the financial upheaval is no good option.
[Post New]01/03/2020 11:56
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sickness or in health OP. You don't get to abandon your kids because you don't like their mom anymore. Insist on therapy, counseling, meds. Don't be a selfish jerk and leave your kids with a depressed shell of a person. She will likely get at least 50%. Who is going to keep the house clean while your kids are living with a depressed person?

Having little kids is HARD. This stage will pass. If it's important to you to get out more, have more fun, then do it without her if you must. But don't leave your kids with that. OR talk to a lawyer and see if you can get full time custody. You of course do want full time custody, right?

+1. Try to encourage her to agree to get outside help for household chores. Also, to be fair, she IS being treated, but ti sounds like she may need a medication adjustment and perhaps some talk therapy. Help in making arrangements for the kids while she goes to the doctor and while she goes to therapy. Be proactive in making things easier for her. A depressed person may think the house is too messy to have anyone come in and clean. A depressed person may think that she can't get a a babysitter b/c she doesn't know anyone and the house is too messy to bring anyone in to watch the kids, etc., etc.


I am the housekeeper, most of the time. She is simply supposed to call for the housekeeper to come.
[Post New]01/03/2020 11:57
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Anonymous
She does sound like she is not be optimally treated for depression and the meds she is on are not working. Plus, she needs to be going to individual therapy or switch therapists at this point. It's a disease OP, and whatever treatment she has is not cutting it right now.

Be sure to get help for yourself as well, it's not easy being in a relationship with a depressed person and trying to hold it together for the kids.
[Post New]01/03/2020 12:01
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:What the hell? Everyone laying on this poor OP because he's a man. DCUM is so disgustingly sexist sometimes. If this was a woman you all would be telling her she needs to leave him since he won't take the opportunity to help herself and the weight of breadwinning AND child rearing AND household duties is falling on her. But no common sympathy for this OP. OP, try getting her meds changed and another few months of therapy and then issue an ultimatum. Her mental issues can no longer be your weight to bear if she's not trying to help herself and otherwise not contributing to your household at all. What about YOUR mental health? Your kids deserve at least one healthy, stable, contributing, positive parent.


+1 million

OP, you need to quietly see a lawyer so you know what you would be signing up for in divorce. You need to know, for instance, if you will be required to pay alimony and whether you can get full custody of your kids. Find a lawyer you can work quietly with for years, because this will likely be a multi-year project.

I have a good friend with a mentally ill DH who emotionally unstable, is verbally abusive to their kids (who show clinical signs of PTSD), and is unwilling to work or do anything around the house. Like you, my friend does everything. I am genuinely worried the stress is going to kill her. But she lives in CA, and when she quietly talked to a lawyer, she learned that he would likely get at least 50% custody (even with documented verbal abuse and her children's therapists recommending against it) and she'd have to pay him lifetime alimony. So she stays, trying to protect her kids from him as best she can. She has them in therapy, but the kids are struggling. It's a giant mess, with no good answer. She periodically talks to a lawyer and will likely eventually divorce when the kids are older (even with the lifetime alimony).
[Post New]01/03/2020 12:03
quote
Anonymous
Hi OP,

Sorry you are going through this.

Counseling for you.

Psychiatrist for her (to adjust her meds). Therapists can't
adjust meds so I'm not sure why people are recommending
a therapist.

You can't force someone to get mental health help in our society.
[Post New]01/03/2020 12:05
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:She does sound like she is not be optimally treated for depression and the meds she is on are not working. Plus, she needs to be going to individual therapy or switch therapists at this point. It's a disease OP, and whatever treatment she has is not cutting it right now.

Be sure to get help for yourself as well, it's not easy being in a relationship with a depressed person and trying to hold it together for the kids.


Thank you. I create every reason to get out of the house lately and avoid being with her at home. RIght now she is staring at the tv and staring into space. I've sent a list of new therapists for her to call for appointments. I asked if she would like me to sit with her and call. THe silence is so heavy. I feel guilty for feeling happy and enjoying life and my kids. We aren't bad people, but you only get 1 chance at life, and I know there is more than this. I pray it doesn't rain today so that I can be out of the house for as long as possible.
[Post New]01/03/2020 12:06
quote
Anonymous
If she refuses to get help, I'd work on the exit strategy.
[Post New]01/03/2020 12:07
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

Sorry you are going through this.

Counseling for you.

Psychiatrist for her (to adjust her meds). Therapists can't
adjust meds so I'm not sure why people are recommending
a therapist.

You can't force someone to get mental health help in our society.


Thank you.
[Post New]01/03/2020 12:15
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She does sound like she is not be optimally treated for depression and the meds she is on are not working. Plus, she needs to be going to individual therapy or switch therapists at this point. It's a disease OP, and whatever treatment she has is not cutting it right now.

Be sure to get help for yourself as well, it's not easy being in a relationship with a depressed person and trying to hold it together for the kids.


Thank you. I create every reason to get out of the house lately and avoid being with her at home. RIght now she is staring at the tv and staring into space. I've sent a list of new therapists for her to call for appointments. I asked if she would like me to sit with her and call. THe silence is so heavy. I feel guilty for feeling happy and enjoying life and my kids. We aren't bad people, but you only get 1 chance at life, and I know there is more than this. I pray it doesn't rain today so that I can be out of the house for as long as possible.

Have you suggested a change in meds, going with her to the appointment, speaking to the psychiatrist about your observations (with her consent)? The thing with depression is that we don't know what causes it and we don't know what meds will be effective. A medication and dosage that was previously effective may cease to be effective, etc.
[Post New]01/03/2020 12:17
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She does sound like she is not be optimally treated for depression and the meds she is on are not working. Plus, she needs to be going to individual therapy or switch therapists at this point. It's a disease OP, and whatever treatment she has is not cutting it right now.

Be sure to get help for yourself as well, it's not easy being in a relationship with a depressed person and trying to hold it together for the kids.


Thank you. I create every reason to get out of the house lately and avoid being with her at home. RIght now she is staring at the tv and staring into space. I've sent a list of new therapists for her to call for appointments. I asked if she would like me to sit with her and call. THe silence is so heavy. I feel guilty for feeling happy and enjoying life and my kids. We aren't bad people, but you only get 1 chance at life, and I know there is more than this. I pray it doesn't rain today so that I can be out of the house for as long as possible.

I would start looking into seeing if the meds can be adjusted before seeking out the therapist, if she is not willing to find the new therapist right now. If a new medication makes her start to feel better, she may find the motivation to go to therapy. No one wants to be depressed, but depression can take you energy and motivation away. The negative thoughts associated with depression can make you think that you cannot be helped, that it isn't worth it to try, etc.
[Post New]01/03/2020 12:19
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

Sorry you are going through this.

Counseling for you.

Psychiatrist for her (to adjust her meds). Therapists can't
adjust meds so I'm not sure why people are recommending
a therapist.

You can't force someone to get mental health help in our society.


Thank you.


She needs both a psychiatrist and a therapist. Meds are only 1 part but cognitive behavioral therapy is extremely helpful too.

To the OP, it's not as easy as her just not wanting to enjoy life. When I have a really bad episode of depression/anxiety I just can't find joy in anything. It's not that I don't want to. It's that I am incapable of feeling it. Anxiety and depression completely drain you of energy. It takes every waking minute and every fiber in my body just to exist.

Exercise will help, but she needs to have enough energy first to attempt that. My doc put me on Welbutrin recently (in addition to Celexa) and it's helped my energy levels A LOT!

Trust me when I say that her criticism of you has very little to do with you and ALL to do with how she feels about herself. She is miserable and unhappy and it's not your fault.

I tend to criticise and take it out on the people I love the most too. I feel absolutely horrible about it but they are the people I feel the most comfortable with with they get the brunt. It creates this cycle of me taking it out on them, feeling guilty for doing it, feeling absolutely shitty about myself as a result, which results in me being even more depressed and taking it out on them again.

I think you are absolutely entitled to happiness and peace in your home. She will never get better on her own though. I would suggest you tell her that she either gets serious about medication and therapy NOW or you will leave.

It sucks for everyone involved.
[Post New]01/03/2020 12:23
quote
Anonymous
I'm going to lose my mind. SHe expressed interest in finding a new job. I send jobs, just now I showed her a few. Every single one- there was an excuse. Why that org is bad, why this wouldn't work, etc. Everything is an excuse. She criticizes my approach- says that networking is better than blindly applying. Yet she is doing neither. She asked if I could help her edit her networking list. I said sure! Let's pull it up now. We started to talk about it, now she doesn't want to deal with it because she will have to get out her laptop. There is food on the floor from the kids' breakfast. I cooked the breakfast, I fed the kids. ANd now I will sweep up the floor while she sulks and sits. This is my every day.
[Post New]01/03/2020 12:24
quote
ZachF
Member Offline
BTDT and wish I had some advice for you. I understand your pain and the hopeless feelings. IN my case, she was also an alcoholic and that's how she self-medicated, while refusing to even consider any kind of prescription even see a doctor. It did not end well but at least I got my kinds away from her.

Good luck to you. You will get a lot of people telling you to just hang in there, don't abandon her, get her the help and magic pills she needs to bring her back to reality, but the reality is, she needs to help herself and if she isn't willing, you really can't do much at all. You need to get mentally healthy yourself and get your children away from that toxic environment.
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