Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uggh. This sounds like you are the wife on Mad Men. You created this. Get your own career, not some 20 dollar an hour job where you are living off DH's largess. Do you two want the same things out of life? It doesn't sounds like it, unless you are misrepresenting your own desires.

Nah. Right now, the DC is under the OP's constant control. DH has been shut out emotionally by his wife, and the OP is using the kid as a defensive mechanism. OP needs to unclench from her son, so that her DH and DS can have a relationship again. DH can't have a positive relationship with DS until OP unclenches.

Anonymous wrote:I've read the OP and posts and I've interpreted this to be:

DH wants kid free time when home - 2 hours.

I'm with OP - not sure where all the "outsourcing" comments are coming in because OP is not complaining that she doesn't have free time. She's not complaining about the division of chores. She's not complaining about work schedule. She's saying - DH wants to come home, not interact with kid because he comes home late and wants to chill for 2 hours - and then DC goes to bed.

OP, basically your husband doesn't want to play with the kid everyday. Doesn't want to be involved in the evening activities. He wants to come home and veg on top of his already scheduled "free time activities" such as working out/hobby/gardening. So basically, he doesn't want a family - except for a few hours on the weekend.

So - DC will be impacted. This is OPs problem. In giving DH what he's asking for, he basically won't interact with his child during the week. And I like OP thinks this is hurtful to DC.

That said, I'd try to meet in the middle. Get a Saturday babysitter on DH free weekend. Tell him he can have every Saturday (full day) to do whatever the hell he wants kid and wife free. During the week - give DH an hour by himself to decompress if your house allows it. Let him do usual greetings and agree that he can go to the study/den for an hour while you and DC do dinner or whatever. DH then can spend hour with child before bedtime. I'd extend preschool to all day instead of part time to allow you to do things that perhaps you're doing in the evening (laundry cooking or whatever) so you're free to chill with DC when he gets home and not worry about those things. That's about the best plan I can come up with that allows for him to have more free time. Will this impact DC? Most certainly. Can you force DH to be a better and more engaged father on a daily basis and not resent it? No. Hopefully he'll wake up and realize but unless this is a dealbreaker, you'll need to manage it as best you can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read the OP and posts and I've interpreted this to be:

DH wants kid free time when home - 2 hours.

I'm with OP - not sure where all the "outsourcing" comments are coming in because OP is not complaining that she doesn't have free time. She's not complaining about the division of chores. She's not complaining about work schedule. She's saying - DH wants to come home, not interact with kid because he comes home late and wants to chill for 2 hours - and then DC goes to bed.

OP, basically your husband doesn't want to play with the kid everyday. Doesn't want to be involved in the evening activities. He wants to come home and veg on top of his already scheduled "free time activities" such as working out/hobby/gardening. So basically, he doesn't want a family - except for a few hours on the weekend.

So - DC will be impacted. This is OPs problem. In giving DH what he's asking for, he basically won't interact with his child during the week. And I like OP thinks this is hurtful to DC.

That said, I'd try to meet in the middle. Get a Saturday babysitter on DH free weekend. Tell him he can have every Saturday (full day) to do whatever the hell he wants kid and wife free. During the week - give DH an hour by himself to decompress if your house allows it. Let him do usual greetings and agree that he can go to the study/den for an hour while you and DC do dinner or whatever. DH then can spend hour with child before bedtime. I'd extend preschool to all day instead of part time to allow you to do things that perhaps you're doing in the evening (laundry cooking or whatever) so you're free to chill with DC when he gets home and not worry about those things. That's about the best plan I can come up with that allows for him to have more free time. Will this impact DC? Most certainly. Can you force DH to be a better and more engaged father on a daily basis and not resent it? No. Hopefully he'll wake up and realize but unless this is a dealbreaker, you'll need to manage it as best you can.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is a martyr and her DH is just done with her.

OP: You have ONE four year old who goes to morning preschool FIVE days a week. You work 15 hours a week. Your DH makes good money. You have an extremely easy schedule and life. So first, stop with the whining that you have to do ALL the work. Yes, you have a four year old around most of the time. By that age, it's not really work. It's just general oversight. But you also have mornings off, during which time I presume you can do all your work. So you make your kid lunch, do some errands or go to the park, come home and tidy and do laundry. Make dinner and put your kid to bed. This is not a taxing schedule. Boring, maybe. Taxing, no. It should absolutely not take you 14 hours a day of slaving around the house to keep this up.

You said you have lawn service, just no gardening because it's your DH's hobby.

I think you said you have a housecleaner. If you don't, hire one. And if don't get out with friends, then that's all on you! Absolutely nothing about your DH's schedule is preventing you from meeting up with other moms every single day of your life. And if I'm your DH, and wondering why the heck my essential sahw can't find a competent babysitter. What's wrong with you that you have a four year old and haven't found a single reliable sitter?

And if I'm your DH, getting home every night at 8pm, and there is a wild kid running around, and wondering why the heck my sahw doesn't have this kid on a reasonable bed schedule like every other kid in DC. And I'm peeved that every morning my wife and son are sleeping in until 8am while I'm dealing with the stress of my job.

OP: Your DH just doesn't want to spend time with you because you're a bad wife and a bad mom. Sorry.

Put your kid to bed at 8pm. Start going to bed at 11pm and wake up at a reasonable hour so you and your DC see your DH in the morning. Find regular babysitters and set up a standing Saturday night sitter. Get out with other people every afternoon and become a more interesting person than the whiney wife you currently are.

Anonymous wrote:
Here's the way I see your situation. It's his loss. He's the one not spending time with his own child, or his own wife. Too bad for him. Go do fun things! Make a happy life with your kid. he can stay home and count his money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he's resentful and he wants more fun in his life and feels you get it, even if you don't. Try changing your schedule to meet him halfway, worse case, it doesn't work.

OP here. I think you're exactly right about this. Why does he think I get all this fun? Because I stay up late every night? I don't ever go out with my friends in the evenings (i.e. ladies night out), all the late nights/ travel nights/weekends he is working I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help. I do all the grunt work of parenting--making meals, packing lunch, doing all laundry, driving all over the place for DC's activities, appointments, etc. And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yes, I do stay up really late to get in my own personal time (from about 9 - 1 am) but that is my choice and I sacrifice on sleep to get that time for myself. DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby.

You need to outsource more when DH is at work so you get alone time during the day and don't need it at night. You will find more reliable workers if you pay them and have a set schedule. You need to let go of wanting to do it all by yourself. Make the "date" coffee hour a habit 2x a week when DC is in preschool/school. Then shift your schedule to be closer to DH's- you will have to do this for school soon anyway. I agree with an 8pm bedtime. And you can go to bed earlier to be able to be up earlier. That way DH get some time after 8:00pm.

4 is old enough for your child to help DH with his weekend chores. Any child can learn how to weed the garden.

I don't understand what problem you're trying to solve. The OP's free time occurs after her child goes to sleep and after her husband goes to sleep. He resents that she stays up late and gets to spend her free time doing what she wants then. Is your solution that she should _not_ have this free time and should go to bed at 9pm when her husband does so that he will not be resentful? She is not offloading childcare or chores onto him: he goes to bed at 9pm so that he can be at work by 6am. Why should she move her schedule to align with his schedule?

Except she is off loading childcare on him, in that what makes those late nights possible is that she keeps him up late so that he’ll sleep in, and then her husband is spending hours with the kid in the evening.

She could make a different choice as far as day time childcare, or as far as her job or whatever, so she gets her fre time during the day, and then have her child sleep say 7:30 to 7:00 or something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I also wanted to add that DH spends 2 hours on a sport hobby about 2-3 times per week, late in the evenings usually. So like from 8-10 pm 2-3 times per week. He ends up getting to bed late, is exhausted the next day, and then falls asleep while playing with DC which DC doesn't like. But DH refuses to give up this sport. Even though this counts as personal time, DH wants daily personal time in addition, of about 2 hours per day.

That is his free time. If he chooses to spend it on a sport, that is up to him. Frankly, if he wants more personal time, he should dispense with the bother of having a wife and child. He can have plenty of personal time as a divorced man who pays a shitlod of alimony and child support due to abandoning his family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't DH cut back his work hours and you work more in return?

OP here. That isn't practical because DH is a law firm partner and I make about $20 per hour. Just doesn't make sense. DH said he will never cut back his hours. He has been working these hours for the last 10 years.

Could you get a house in the suburbs and have him get a different job?

OP here. We do have a house in the suburbs. He works in the city though. He has only ever had this one job (12 years) and refuses to ever consider any other job.