Too big an age gap?

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[Post New]01/03/2017 09:41
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singledadmclean
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Anonymous wrote:I am a child of parents with that sort of age difference. The advice I transmit to you from my mother is Do Not Marry Him. They've been married forever. My mom is a sprightly 72 now. My dad is a frail late eighties. Here is what mom had to say:

- know that if you marry him, you will live by his age and by his timeline. You will do things that men his age want to do.

- initially he will try to act young and do young things to please you, but as he grows comfortable, he will revert to his natural behavior, which goes with his age.

- because of the above, you will age prematurely. That is, if you are 30, you will live like a 42-year old.

- by way of a personal anecdote, my dad now requires close supervision and care, and cannot live alone. Mom is going strong and would love more than anything to be with her grandchildren (and adult children), but unfortunately cannot leave dad on his own to stay with us. She resents that very much and says he makes her live an old life.

Short summary: this age gap is fine in the beginning but a very bad deal for the young woman (good deal for the guy, though).


Lesson learned: don't marry a resentful woman. Who is going to care for her when she is in her late 80s and can't live alone?
[Post New]01/03/2017 09:45
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Anonymous
It starts to matter when your 65+ and he is 80+. You are likely to give up your prime retirement years of travel/freedom, as you are forced to care more for him. I've seen this first hand in my family, and it's hard for the wife to handle. Resentment that she has little freedom but guilt of putting him in a home.
[Post New]01/03/2017 09:46
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Anonymous
I have a good friend who married a 41 year old when she was 27. That was 16 years ago and they are still going strong.
[Post New]01/03/2017 09:51
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singledadmclean
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2587223/Whos-daddy-And-old-Children-born-older-fathers-likely-ugly-live-longer.html

So there is no "turning of the tables" because there were no tables to be turned


When I want good science I head right to the UK Daily Mail! Remember, "average" men includes all men who might have children late in life. It includes alcoholics, drug abusers, smokers, men with HIV and STDs, prisoners, coal miners, veterans, and all sorts of other men who are at risk for health problems in middle age and later in life.

Personal data: DW is 5 years younger. She had first child at 40, second at 45. Second child was from IVF. My sperm was tested many times and they told me I had very strong swimmers. The children are both extremely smart, have no health problems, and everyone is always telling us how beautiful the children are.
[Post New]01/03/2017 09:59
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Anonymous
singledadmclean wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am a child of parents with that sort of age difference. The advice I transmit to you from my mother is Do Not Marry Him. They've been married forever. My mom is a sprightly 72 now. My dad is a frail late eighties. Here is what mom had to say:

- know that if you marry him, you will live by his age and by his timeline. You will do things that men his age want to do.

- initially he will try to act young and do young things to please you, but as he grows comfortable, he will revert to his natural behavior, which goes with his age.

- because of the above, you will age prematurely. That is, if you are 30, you will live like a 42-year old.

- by way of a personal anecdote, my dad now requires close supervision and care, and cannot live alone. Mom is going strong and would love more than anything to be with her grandchildren (and adult children), but unfortunately cannot leave dad on his own to stay with us. She resents that very much and says he makes her live an old life.

Short summary: this age gap is fine in the beginning but a very bad deal for the young woman (good deal for the guy, though).


Lesson learned: don't marry a resentful woman. Who is going to care for her when she is in her late 80s and can't live alone?


Resenting this setup is a perfectly normal reaction. As I said, this is a bad deal for the younger woman, and it gets worse with time.

Marrying her has been an excellent deal for my father.

As for who will care for her when she's 80, it sure as hell won't be my father.
[Post New]01/03/2017 10:07
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Anonymous
I know two couples with this age difference. And like others have said, they are happily married. However, the younger spouses absolutely began to feel a bit depressed and stifled when the inevitable age/ability threshold was crossed. Every 10 years together the difference gets a little more challenging. But it works out because you kind of expected it.

The worst was the scenario of a not wealthy/not destitute couple who had saved well for their retirement together, and one spouse ended up needing to be in a nursing home. There is not enough protection for the younger spouse to save enough money to live on once he has passed -- it is a very serious problem. By the time he dies, she will be pretty nearly broke and still have a good 20-25 years to live past her retirement age. The law favors the nursing home getting as much of your assets as they possibly can, leaving the spouse just enough to live on, barely -- which may not be how you hope to spend the last decades of your life.

Figure that part out with a lawyer before you commit. You need to plan for it and the law is different state to state.
[Post New]01/03/2017 10:08
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Anonymous
It's not a big deal now but when you hit 50 and older he is going to be a old man.
[Post New]01/03/2017 11:48
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's far too old. Unless you want babies with health issues

I was older than op, my hubby was older than op's guy, and our child is beautifully healthy.
Where do you get this misinfo pp?


Just because you dodged a bullet doesn't mean that science is wrong.


Nobody said that the "science is wrong." Just that you are misusing the data in order to make it seem to say something that it does not.
[Post New]01/03/2017 11:50
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:It's not a big deal now but when you hit 50 and older he is going to be a old man.


20 years of happy marriage is more than most have these days.

But I wouldnt marry someone that much older unless there was enough money to hire care, if needed.
[Post New]01/03/2017 12:42
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's not a big deal now but when you hit 50 and older he is going to be a old man.


20 years of happy marriage is more than most have these days.

But I wouldnt marry someone that much older unless there was enough money to hire care, if needed.


I'm a PP with an older spouse. We have hundreds of thousands of dollars in long-term care insurance and life-insurance in addition to standard investments. Peace of mind to help us enjoy the decades we do have before one of us, likely him, needs assistance.
[Post New]01/03/2017 13:18
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's not a big deal now but when you hit 50 and older he is going to be a old man.


20 years of happy marriage is more than most have these days.

But I wouldnt marry someone that much older unless there was enough money to hire care, if needed.


I'm a PP with an older spouse. We have hundreds of thousands of dollars in long-term care insurance and life-insurance in addition to standard investments. Peace of mind to help us enjoy the decades we do have before one of us, likely him, needs assistance.


Good for you (no sarcasm)!

People should do what works for them and quit being so judgy. Life is short.
[Post New]01/03/2017 13:20
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Anonymous
I'm 21 years older than my wife. Not a problem for us. Often a problem for people we meet though. They always want to project their own assumptions onto our relationship. It is fun sometimes for us when people assume I'm loaded and she is only a gold digger/trophy wife.

Sure she got to move into a established home with a man that has a stable career so she didn't have to endure the lean years but she has a lot less emotional baggage and is almost always optimistic and upbeat which is a major benefit over being married to someone that is pessimistic and grumpy.

The only real downside I see the latter-in-life issues.
[Post New]01/03/2017 13:27
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I'm 21 years older than my wife. Not a problem for us. Often a problem for people we meet though. They always want to project their own assumptions onto our relationship. It is fun sometimes for us when people assume I'm loaded and she is only a gold digger/trophy wife.

Sure she got to move into a established home with a man that has a stable career so she didn't have to endure the lean years but she has a lot less emotional baggage and is almost always optimistic and upbeat which is a major benefit over being married to someone that is pessimistic and grumpy.

The only real downside I see the latter-in-life issues.


There is no downside for you. All the downside is for her.
[Post New]01/03/2017 13:30
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm 21 years older than my wife. Not a problem for us. Often a problem for people we meet though. They always want to project their own assumptions onto our relationship. It is fun sometimes for us when people assume I'm loaded and she is only a gold digger/trophy wife.

Sure she got to move into a established home with a man that has a stable career so she didn't have to endure the lean years but she has a lot less emotional baggage and is almost always optimistic and upbeat which is a major benefit over being married to someone that is pessimistic and grumpy.

The only real downside I see the latter-in-life issues.


There is no downside for you. All the downside is for her.


Yep. Talk about lack of self-awareness.
[Post New]01/03/2017 13:40
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm 21 years older than my wife. Not a problem for us. Often a problem for people we meet though. They always want to project their own assumptions onto our relationship. It is fun sometimes for us when people assume I'm loaded and she is only a gold digger/trophy wife.

Sure she got to move into a established home with a man that has a stable career so she didn't have to endure the lean years but she has a lot less emotional baggage and is almost always optimistic and upbeat which is a major benefit over being married to someone that is pessimistic and grumpy.

The only real downside I see the latter-in-life issues.


There is no downside for you. All the downside is for her.


Sounds like he had money and options, so yes there was a "downside" in a sense.
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