Too big an age gap?

[Anonymous]

Met my wife at 50 - she was 36. 3rd marriage for both of us. The age difference was no issue. She was very indeoendent and moved out on her own at 16 and I took the college route so in terms of live experience we are more like 8 years apart. All is well 12 years later but at 63, even though I am in excellent heath, I can see that the physical changes of aging will definitely accentuate our age difference in the next 5-10 years. I'm not looking forward to being 75 when she is 61 . She does keep me young, though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to breed with someone that old. Big likelihood the baby would have issues. Lots of studies document issues caused by advanced paternal age.

Having said that, I doubt a 47 year old man wants kids anyway. He might not even want a wife. If he's never married, chances are he enjoys being on his own.

Geez. My Dad was 48 when I was born. He'd been married to my mom a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What attracts you to senior citizens, OP?

When we met I was sure he was in his late 30's. He doesn't act "old"!

I am sad to see all this ageism. Age is just a number. There are 25-year-olds who act too old for their years but most 50-year-olds in this area are doing great. My brother started triathlons at age 55 and became #1 in his age group, internationally ranked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 15yrs apart and have been married for 14yrs now. This topic comes up on DCUM every now and then and you get lots of ew's and posters pointing out old man physique, and how do you feel about caring for him in his old age when you are in your retirement years.

Here's my .02, there are no guarantees in life. When we married I was 30 and he was 44. We've had 14 great years, and both of us for now at least are healthy and fit. No reason to think we both won't live another few decades. At the same time, there is nothing to say that tomorrow I won't be stricken with cancer, or he won't drop dead of a heart attack or any other unforeseen horrible thing.

Knowing the odds are that he will die well before you, barring a major life event, do you want 30-40 loving years together? With the divorce rate in this country, not many people get that.

The big key, of course, is children. Be very clear together on your expectations and desires. Have a good financial advisor in terms of ensuring that life insurance, long-term care insurance and other elements are in place. Long-term care was the biggie for us.

Good luck.

OP here - thanks there is good advice here. While the age gap does present possible problems I shouldn't let it get in the way of first answering the bigger question "Is this the right man for me?" And am I the right woman for him? If he is the "one" then the age issue might fade away.

OP, when you say "age issue," what do you mean? There will always be a difference, but I got the sense from your original post that you wondered if it could be an issue, not that there is one. Is there an issue besides your concern about the future?

[Anonymous]

Nasty as hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:He's far too old. Unless you want babies with health issues

I was older than op, my hubby was older than op's guy, and our child is beautifully healthy.
Where do you get this misinfo pp?

You were fortunate, advanced paternal age has been linked to autism and other neuro issues.

The correlation is nowhere near the risk of older mothers. And the cause is not clear. It could be partly that "on the spectrum" men dont have kids until later in life. It's not an irrelevant concern but I wouldn't use this as the sole criterion.

Sorry PP. I know its not what you want to hear but https://www.autismspeaks.org/science/science-news/study-ties-dad’s-age-risk-autism-other-mental-disorders-kids

You must not have read your own article. It says that there is a small correlation (not a cause) and clearly states that the risk is still small.

Sorry, but your attempt to "turn the tables" on men by equating advanced maternal age to older fathers is obvious and unsupported by facts.

Actually, most of the time, advanced age of the mother has no effect on the fitness of the child, only on pregnancy complications and the health of the mother during pregnancy.

On the other hand, age of the father has everything to do with the fitness of the child.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2587223/Whos-daddy-And-old-Children-born-older-fathers-likely-ugly-live-longer.html

So there is no "turning of the tables" because there were no tables to be turned

OMG. Please do not quote this rag.
I know younger couples with autistic kids as well as older. The point is, marriage is a big deal with many unknowns. That's life. You can't completely forecast a marriage as if it were a career plan.

[Anonymous]

I think it's gross, and I agree with others that it will lead to health issues.

But... if you are not ashamed to be seen with him, and you are okay with a greater risk of a damaged child, then go for it. It's your life.

[Anonymous]

Most couples marry with a one to two year age difference. Men in DC area stay single longer because of the plethora of young single women here and the high cost of living. Younger women are attracted to the money. Older guys will face age and job discrimination in their 50s unless they're independently wealthy. You'll be a single mom because being married to him, he won't help you with the kids. He'll make you feel like he gave you kids, so you should be happy with just that and the kids will be your thing, your interest, not his.

To me it would be more fun to be with someone my own age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most couples marry with a one to two year age difference. Men in DC area stay single longer because of the plethora of young single women here and the high cost of living. Younger women are attracted to the money. Older guys will face age and job discrimination in their 50s unless they're independently wealthy. You'll be a single mom because being married to him, he won't help you with the kids. He'll make you feel like he gave you kids, so you should be happy with just that and the kids will be your thing, your interest, not his.

To me it would be more fun to be with someone my own age.

Do you stereotype races, religions and sexes as well or just ages?

[Anonymous]

All relationships have their issues. As long as you go into this one with your eyes open, you'll be fine. With a significant age difference, the big issues are children, retirement, and eldercare. Does he want children? Even if he wanted children when he was younger, he might not be willing to be a father in his 50s/60s. As an addendum to that, being from an older generation he might have more traditional ideas about childcare and household responsibilities. Can you live with that? As for retirement, will you retire when he retires? If you retire 15 years earlier than intended, will you be able to cover your own old age needs? Lastly, eldercare. Right now, both of you are in physically compatible stages of life. What happens when that's no longer the case? There's a good chance, you'll end up his primary caretaker in his old age. Even if he remains relatively healthy until the end, at some point his physicality will be different than yours because he's older. At 70, he begins to slow down. At 80, he becomes elderly. When you haven't reached these stages in life yet, you might not want to live the life of 70 year old at 55 or 80 year old at 65. Or even the life of a 65 year old at 50. Obviously, anything can happen and nothing is written in stone but these are realistic possibilities. Can you accept that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's gross, and I agree with others that it will lead to health issues.

But... if you are not ashamed to be seen with him, and you are okay with a greater risk of a damaged child, then go for it. It's your life.

I have no dog in this fight and my wife is a year older than me, but this junk science is baffling. The risk of having a "damaged child is 1 in 50 for men under 40 and 1 in 42 for men over 40. Meaning the likelihood of having a damaged child with an older man is remote, unless you are planning on having 50 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's gross, and I agree with others that it will lead to health issues.

But... if you are not ashamed to be seen with him, and you are okay with a greater risk of a damaged child, then go for it. It's your life.

I have no dog in this fight and my wife is a year older than me, but this junk science is baffling. The risk of having a "damaged child is 1 in 50 for men under 40 and 1 in 42 for men over 40. Meaning the likelihood of having a damaged child with an older man is remote, unless you are planning on having 50 kids.

I agree. From what I've seen there is one or two people that troll DCUMs posting comments about older men and birth defects as a way to support their obviously anti-older man agenda. It always appears to coincide with comments about ED as well. People have pointed out previously that the actual chance of having a autistic child increases only fractionally under the conditions of a much older man with a much younger woman. The studies I've seen indicate a 20+ year age gap and then the chance only increases slightly. In my opinion I think this is someone trying to "level the field" in the face of the very real and significantly higher chance of birth defects that increase as a woman ages no matter the age of the father. Simple fact is that women and men have a different set of risk factors but that doesn't always fit peoples agenda so they promote things out of context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to breed with someone that old. Big likelihood the baby would have issues. Lots of studies document issues caused by advanced paternal age.

Having said that, I doubt a 47 year old man wants kids anyway. He might not even want a wife. If he's never married, chances are he enjoys being on his own.

Geez. My Dad was 48 when I was born. He'd been married to my mom a year.

Geez. I hope he can get a day pass from the retirement home to attend you graduation and your wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's gross, and I agree with others that it will lead to health issues.

But... if you are not ashamed to be seen with him, and you are okay with a greater risk of a damaged child, then go for it. It's your life.

I have no dog in this fight and my wife is a year older than me, but this junk science is baffling. The risk of having a "damaged child is 1 in 50 for men under 40 and 1 in 42 for men over 40. Meaning the likelihood of having a damaged child with an older man is remote, unless you are planning on having 50 kids.

Eh, if you're okay with having an ugly child, or less intelligent, then go for it.

Many of us want the fittest kid we can have. It's a biological urge
http://www.techtimes.com/articles/4728/20140324/the-older-the-dad-the-uglier-the-children-genetic-mutation-research-confirms.htm

[Anonymous]

https://www.autismspeaks.org/science/science-news/study-ties-dad’s-age-risk-autism-other-mental-disorders-kids

Dads 45 and older are 25 times more likely to have a kid with bipolar disorder (and that won't be readily apparent at birth or in early childhood).