My husband cheated once and I'm ready to end it...

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[Post New]02/11/2013 21:56
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness by the other is over-rated. My ex cheated. He and the therapist constantly harped on my ability (or inability) to "forgive". I felt like my ex wanted to say "I'm sorry", once and then demanded that I "forgive" him and move on.

I felt like there could be no true "forgiveness" (in the sense of "granting pardon for") unless my Ex really put in some effort to understand why he did it, how it impacted me and our children, and how he was going to prevent it from happening again. Instead of doing the deep self-examination necessary, my ex shifted his focus to my flaw of being unable to "forgive."

There is another sense of the word "forgive", which is to "cease feeling resentment for". That kind of forgiveness may come over time as the trauma of the infidelity subsides and you are able to move forward with your life (in whatever fashion). Or you may "decide" to forgive and release what resentment you feel because it serves YOUR purpose. Or you may decide that what was done was unforgiveable. The failure to forgive doesn't preclude a person from moving on.

But, I don't think it is useful to "forgive" in order that your husband's emotional state can be eased. Your emotions don't exist to erase your husband's pain and self-guilt. He has to do his own work. The only person who can "forgive" him is himself. And, in order to do that he has to acknowledge and confront the magnitude of what he has done and why, make amends for it, and change his life and behavior so it doesn't happen again.

The focus after infidelity on getting the spouse's "forgiveness" to me just mimics what was wrong with the person who committed the infidelity in the first place -- they project their problems onto another person, identifying them as the cause of the problem, and "solve" the problem by substituting another person. What the adulterer needs to learn is that his/her problems are within him/herself and are within his/her power to address in a more healthy way.


+10000000000000. I was in therapy with an ex-fiancé who I had discovered was an active sex addict. (Jerry Springer levels of crazy: prostitutes, 1-time hookups online whenever I went out of town on business, massage happy endings on the way home from work, unvelievable shit.) Insanely, in retrospect, I was reeling so much from complete shock and betrayal after finding out all this that I agreed to attend couple's therapy, while he went to individual counseling and 12-step meetings. Mostly, I wanted answers about why he pushed for a commitment from me while he was cartoonishly violating that commitment pretty much every day.

We went to maybe 5 or 6 sessions when I started being pressured about why I couldn't forgive him and what was wrong with me that would prevent me from trusting him again when he was doing so much to stay abstinent. I was flabbergasted...he was SO far from beginning to really understand why he did what he did, and basically I hears his "I'm sorry" as "Im sorry I got caught and ruined our relationship" more than "I'm sorry for what I did that hurt you and I am committed to never doing it again." But more and more, therapy became about my inability to forgive. It was awful. After a few months, I just stopped therapy and stopped having any contact with him. Still sad that therapy really didn't help me gain any understanding about how and why I was so thoroughly deceived and betrayed, but I knew I was done when it became all about what I wasn't doing for HIS well being.
[Post New]02/11/2013 22:01
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Anonymous
Just want to chime in to validate your feelings at the same time as invalidating your title...your husband did not cheat once. He violated your commitment dozens, maybe hundreds, maybe thousands of times over the course of a year. It is SO unfair to think that you'd forgive him yet, if he's not being really open with disclosure and has t really worked on his own understanding of why he did what he did and what he's going to commit to change so he'll never do it again.

[Post New]02/11/2013 22:08
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
There is another sense of the word "forgive", which is to "cease feeling resentment for". That kind of forgiveness may come over time as the trauma of the infidelity subsides and you are able to move forward with your life (in whatever fashion). Or you may "decide" to forgive and release what resentment you feel because it serves YOUR purpose. Or you may decide that what was done was unforgiveable. The failure to forgive doesn't preclude a person from moving on.

But, I don't think it is useful to "forgive" in order that your husband's emotional state can be eased. Your emotions don't exist to erase your husband's pain and self-guilt. He has to do his own work. The only person who can "forgive" him is himself. And, in order to do that he has to acknowledge and confront the magnitude of what he has done and why, make amends for it, and change his life and behavior so it doesn't happen again.


A PP who suggested you figure out how to forgive your husband, and just wanted to make clear that I meant *this* type of forgiveness - the kind that means the injury no longer causes you ongoing pain - maybe acceptance is a better word. However I don't think that type of forgiveness/acceptance means forgetting or even necessarily staying together. You could forgive your husband and release the pain of this ordeal, and still find that the process itself has changed him and you enough that there is no longer a shared path forward. But hopefully it means you can get to the place where you can move forward in peace, with or without your husband.
[Post New]02/11/2013 22:23
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Anonymous
I admire the strength of the PP who stayed with her husband who cheated for two years, but I could never do that, no matter how remorseful my husband was.

OP, I can't see forgiving or forgetting a year-long affair. Your DH is not your DH. He's soon to be your ex. Let him go. A marriage without trust is just miserable. Your child will forgive you for splitting up. He made a mistake, and it cost him your love and your marriage. You will have to have a relationship with him forever because of your child, but you don't have to have a marriage. Leave him now, while your child is young, and start over.

A year-long affair is not a one-night stand or a fling. It's an ongoing relationship outside of a committed relationship, a betrayal of the deepest sort. I could not forgive such a betrayal. I would never do such a thing to a person I loved and promised to cherish forever, no matter what the reason. If I was really miserable in my marriage, and felt the urge to cheat, I'd get out first, and then start a new relationship. Cheating means your DH wanted you and the other relationship at the same time, and he did this over and over again, keeping it from you, in denial, I suppose.

Let it go, OP. Find a lawyer, and start moving toward the inevitable exit. Who knows, you might be better exes, than you are spouses.

Good luck to you, OP.
[Post New]02/11/2013 23:45
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Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for taking your time to help me and the others who read this.

I forgive him in the sense that it no longer causes me pain due to the affair. The pain I feel is in myself and my inadequacies in myself. They have come to the forefront because of the situation I am in. I am positive in that I will be ok however walking away from what was my life is oh so hard. I cannot accept another relationship from this same man. If the problems we had before discovering this were it I might have been able to stay. This affair on top of all of his other problems is too much to bear. I'm like a dying butterfly, slowly flapping its wings to keep going. Only until I leave will I be able to get the air I need to survive.
[Post New]02/12/2013 00:21
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Anonymous
If you stay, forgive and commit to him. Fix what went wrong, whether it was anything on your part (*) and (most definitely) what went wrong on his end.

(*) It may have been nothing. Some men are just going to be selfish twits. You could be a Titus 2 wife with a Proverbs 31 attitude (or whatever their secular equivalents are) ... and he could still cheat.

It's not fair to anyone to go on, acting to the world like it's all okay now, but dragging your husband through the mud of constant suspicion and anger ... and (more importantly) preventing you from meeting a guy who might be a better fit for you.
[Post New]02/12/2013 02:52
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's been over a year for me since I discovered my H's almost-2year relationship. Like OP I had to drag it out of him. He's never really come out clean and seems to pretend it's all behind us: I discovered him, he reluctantly fessed up to what I was able to pull out of him, he apologized, and that's that. I'm pretty sure at this point that I'll never be able to "forgive" in the sense that I will never see him in a more positive light or want to put my own effort into rebuilding the relationship. I'm just biding my time for the least devastating moment to break our family apart. In your case, with a toddler who'll probably have no memory of a split or the time before it, you're probablly better off divorcing now.


I'm sorry. I'm the PP above you whose husband also had a two year affair. I also had to drag it out of him, over the course of several months, but by the end, he was convulsing and sobbing on the floor for the man he had become. Over the course of the year we've dealt with it, he committed to therapy, making it a priority and arranging sitters etc. (which had always been my domain), and I've watched him become a better not only husband, but dad and son. His relationship with his parents changed, he even told his mom what he'd done because we are very close and his dad had an affair (we didn't know that until this was happening) and she helped me through it.

In OP's case, it might be soon to tell. In your case, if you actually separate from him, he might change. My husband was able to end the affair and move on from it until he faced the end of our marriage and saw firsthand what he was going to lose.

Have you tried therapy? Has he refused?


PP, I don't kow where to start. How long did he have the affair? How long were you separated before your dh had a change of heart?
[Post New]02/12/2013 07:31
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for taking your time to help me and the others who read this.

I forgive him in the sense that it no longer causes me pain due to the affair. The pain I feel is in myself and my inadequacies in myself. They have come to the forefront because of the situation I am in. I am positive in that I will be ok however walking away from what was my life is oh so hard. I cannot accept another relationship from this same man. If the problems we had before discovering this were it I might have been able to stay. This affair on top of all of his other problems is too much to bear. I'm like a dying butterfly, slowly flapping its wings to keep going. Only until I leave will I be able to get the air I need to survive.


OP, I hate to read that you have turned the negative feelings you feel toward yourself. It's so not fair - you did not deserve this.

Your last line about needing air to survive really struck me. You know what you need. Give yourself what you need now, with no regrets or apologies. You need space from this man, you need air to catch your breath and survive. Separate from him as soon as you can and give yourself that air. Try not to worry too much about what is going to be your reality a year from now or 5 years from now. Just give yourself what you need to survive now.

If you're in the DC area, I highly recommend the Women's Center in Vienna for support through this transition.

Good luck to you, OP. Please do not wait to give yourself what you need.
[Post New]02/12/2013 12:11
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Anonymous
Everyone in my family looks to me as some bad-ass, take no crap kind of woman. I was *convinced* that my husband wouldn't cheat. I was even more convinced that I'd leave him if he did. I was confident in those beliefs....Until he cheated.

The discovery of the affair was pretty drawn out. I initially thought it was an inappropriate friendship with a coworker (found hours and hours of late night phone calls, dozens of texts, a voicemail telling her he loved her, etc) and would argue with my DH when I discovered he was still in phone/texting contact. Made him leave the house on the few occasions I discovered the continued contact.

I then went to thinking it was an emotional affair. After getting his promise to cut off contact outside of work, I discovered he still reached out to her. Made him leave.

But in the back of my mind, I didn't take this as serious as I probably should have because I was still labeling this as an inappropriate friendship.

Well, after the last instance of him leaving and with him still being out of the house (about 3 weeks), he called me wanting to talk. During the talk, he confessed everything and admitted to the almost year-long affair. Despite all the (now obvious) proof of a physical affair, the confession floored (and gutted) me. We remained separated for another 2-3 weeks and I cut off all contact with him.

I guess with his admission of the whole truth, reality sank him for him and he became obsessed with a reconciliation. Would call me alot (I didn't answer) and would come buy the house. I still am ashamed that the main reason I let him in when he came over was because I didn't want him to turn to her instead. I didn't want her to "win".

My bad-ass self is PISSED at how quickly I caved once he became remorseful. We only stayed separated about 2-3 weeks after his confession.

I treated him pretty abominably during the first couple of months of our reconciliation. He was very candid about everything that happened and while I sometimes wished I didn't know all the details, he gave them to me (as far as I know).

It was a HARD, LONG road and many times I wanted to just get off and say "eff it", but my love for him (and really my desire to "win"), kept me with him. I will say that it took me about a year before I stopped thinking about it every day. I'm now 5+ years out from the affair and I rarely think about it these days and when I do, I don't feel pain just more of a dulled sense of outrage.
[Post New]02/12/2013 12:18
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for taking your time to help me and the others who read this.

I forgive him in the sense that it no longer causes me pain due to the affair. The pain I feel is in myself and my inadequacies in myself. They have come to the forefront because of the situation I am in. I am positive in that I will be ok however walking away from what was my life is oh so hard. I cannot accept another relationship from this same man. If the problems we had before discovering this were it I might have been able to stay. This affair on top of all of his other problems is too much to bear. I'm like a dying butterfly, slowly flapping its wings to keep going. Only until I leave will I be able to get the air I need to survive.


I'm 12:11.

Your statement about feeling like a dying butterfly really struck me as well. As I mentioned in my story, one thing I do regret is how quickly I reconciled with DH once he "saw the light". I should've taken more time for me and not rushed into being with him in the fear that he would change his mind and/or go back to the OW.

I realize it now, but didn't then, that if he was serious about reconciling and doing right by me, my needing a break would not change things.

So sorry you're going through this OP. I wish you peace and a restful mind. One of the worst things for me during that time was my overactive imagination. I also encourage you to cry it out when you need to. I would sometimes put on sad music with the express intent to just cry and get it all out. If only for a little while, it eased my heartache a bit.
[Post New]02/12/2013 12:38
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for taking your time to help me and the others who read this.

I forgive him in the sense that it no longer causes me pain due to the affair. The pain I feel is in myself and my inadequacies in myself. They have come to the forefront because of the situation I am in. I am positive in that I will be ok however walking away from what was my life is oh so hard. I cannot accept another relationship from this same man. If the problems we had before discovering this were it I might have been able to stay. This affair on top of all of his other problems is too much to bear. I'm like a dying butterfly, slowly flapping its wings to keep going. Only until I leave will I be able to get the air I need to survive.


I am the poster whose husband had a two year affair who stayed (we were separated for some of the affair). It is totally normal for you to have these feelings. Once the affair truly ended and he returning to the grown up version of the man I fell in love with, I was able to accept (after months of therapy, insane rage and weeping, and moving on as if we were going to divorce), what he had done, what she had done, and I was able to let go of the anger. The struggle then became accepting myself, that I was worthy of love.

But I was able to do that. Turns out I had either gained or uncovered an amazing amount of strength and independence in the aftermath of the affair, and I knew that accepting myself met being the person I wanted to be every day. In my case it meant loving my husband and family and treating people well. Being kind and practicing patience. Working hard at my job and being productive, and staying in the moment to take pleasure in the things I would always rush through before - be it bedtime routine or housework or whatever. It sounds weird and I don't expect people to understand but I had to forgive MYSELF in addition to him, even though there is no way in hell I would EVER say the affair was my fault, or any betrayed spouse's fault. It is not. People can always leave before they cheat. I didn't blame myself for the affair but the affair happening had uncovered every inadequacy I thought I had, every doubt about myself.

It gets better. As I worked on myself and my husband worked on himself, our marriage grew. But no matter what happens OP, getting through this experience will make you grow and leave you stronger.
[Post New]02/12/2013 16:21
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Anonymous
The pain I feel is in myself and my inadequacies in myself.


OP, I hope you know that none of this is your fault. Nobody deserves what your husband did to you.

However, now might me a great time to invest in some therapy, not just to talk about the relationship, but to really get some focus on yourself and building a new life.
[Post New]02/12/2013 16:24
quote
FBO
Member Location: NoVA
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OP, IF you do get over it, then you have to truly get over it. Both of you will need to bury this thing and ensure with one another that it will never happen again. Taking the time in recreating what you had, may lead you to see that you have something different.

Dont close any doors until you have a chance to think not only emotionally, but logically and analytically as well.

Just my 2cents.
[Post New]02/12/2013 16:28
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for taking your time to help me and the others who read this.

I forgive him in the sense that it no longer causes me pain due to the affair. The pain I feel is in myself and my inadequacies in myself. They have come to the forefront because of the situation I am in. I am positive in that I will be ok however walking away from what was my life is oh so hard. I cannot accept another relationship from this same man. If the problems we had before discovering this were it I might have been able to stay. This affair on top of all of his other problems is too much to bear. I'm like a dying butterfly, slowly flapping its wings to keep going. Only until I leave will I be able to get the air I need to survive.


Time to move on. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You are a great mom and wife. Regardless of who you are, he had no place to cheat. This is not your fault. This is 100% his fault. Time to move on without him. My dad cheated on my mom. She said the same thing you did. Long story short, she has a great boyfriend now and is very happy. The initial pain is hard, but you can get on it to have a far better life. Why keep suffering?
[Post New]02/12/2013 16:47
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for taking your time to help me and the others who read this.

I forgive him in the sense that it no longer causes me pain due to the affair. The pain I feel is in myself and my inadequacies in myself. They have come to the forefront because of the situation I am in. I am positive in that I will be ok however walking away from what was my life is oh so hard. I cannot accept another relationship from this same man. If the problems we had before discovering this were it I might have been able to stay. This affair on top of all of his other problems is too much to bear. I'm like a dying butterfly, slowly flapping its wings to keep going. Only until I leave will I be able to get the air I need to survive.


Time to move on. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You are a great mom and wife. Regardless of who you are, he had no place to cheat. This is not your fault. This is 100% his fault. Time to move on without him. My dad cheated on my mom. She said the same thing you did. Long story short, she has a great boyfriend now and is very happy. The initial pain is hard, but you can get on it to have a far better life. Why keep suffering?


I certainly don't judge anyone for leaving after infidelity, but the once a cheater always a cheater is not always true. There are many people who have affairs one time. Philandering, sex addiction, etc. is different.

It's great that your mom moved on, but her story is not everyone's story. After my husband had an affair, he felt compelled to open up and he told his mom, who revealed my DH's dad had an affair when the kids were young. She had divorce papers drawn up but never filed them, and they have an awesome marriage. My MIL and FIL are people I deeply respect. He made a mistake and he made it right. Her experience really helped us. Every marriage is different. Some people will divorce, some people will stay and limp along in miserable marriages, and some will have stronger marriages.
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