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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thank you for taking your time to help me and the others who read this.

I forgive him in the sense that it no longer causes me pain due to the affair. The pain I feel is in myself and my inadequacies in myself. They have come to the forefront because of the situation I am in. I am positive in that I will be ok however walking away from what was my life is oh so hard. I cannot accept another relationship from this same man. If the problems we had before discovering this were it I might have been able to stay. This affair on top of all of his other problems is too much to bear. I'm like a dying butterfly, slowly flapping its wings to keep going. Only until I leave will I be able to get the air I need to survive.[/quote]

I am the poster whose husband had a two year affair who stayed (we were separated for some of the affair). It is totally normal for you to have these feelings. Once the affair truly ended and he returning to the grown up version of the man I fell in love with, I was able to accept (after months of therapy, insane rage and weeping, and moving on as if we were going to divorce), what he had done, what she had done, and I was able to let go of the anger. The struggle then became accepting myself, that I was worthy of love.

But I was able to do that. Turns out I had either gained or uncovered an amazing amount of strength and independence in the aftermath of the affair, and I knew that accepting myself met being the person I wanted to be every day. In my case it meant loving my husband and family and treating people well. Being kind and practicing patience. Working hard at my job and being productive, and staying in the moment to take pleasure in the things I would always rush through before - be it bedtime routine or housework or whatever. It sounds weird and I don't expect people to understand but I had to forgive MYSELF in addition to him, even though there is no way in hell I would EVER say the affair was my fault, or any betrayed spouse's fault. It is not. People can always leave before they cheat. I didn't blame myself for the affair but the affair happening had uncovered every inadequacy I thought I had, every doubt about myself.

It gets better. As I worked on myself and my husband worked on himself, our marriage grew. But no matter what happens OP, getting through this experience will make you grow and leave you stronger. [/quote]

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