My husband cheated once and I'm ready to end it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read through this whole thread. I cannot begin to imagine how one could reconcile after an affair. I would never let my spouse touch me, could not bear to hear the details of the affair, could not tolerate it for a moment. The things PPs have described would destroy me, and certainly there is no way a relationship with my husband could continue after such a profound betrayal.

OP, you sound done. It's the final break that's so painful. I think you are ready. If not, then get thee to a therapist who can help you get out of this situation. You sound put together, and your DH not so much. You do have to have a good relationship with him for the sake of your child, and you can have that, but you sound ready to move on. Second marriages only work when you understand what went wrong in the first marriage, ie what your part was, even if it was wallflower, doormat, turning a blind eye, whatever. If you've got that figured out, you are moving in the right direction. It sounds like your DH has a long way to go in that department. Your child will get over the pain of the separation since s/he is young. It's hard OP, but I wish you the best. It sounds like you have the mental toughness to get through it.

The problem with this line of thinking is that you don't realize that when an affair happens, often, the marriage is in bad shape. Usually because the cheater has some coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms that over time start to cause trouble. Not that it is all the cheater's fault for the decline in marriage (though it is 100% the cheater's fault that he cheated. There are other options). So you have a down marriage, then the affair, which rips the marriage apart. After my husband's affair, we were both forced to confront things and I grew but he especially, he stepped up. It would have been easy to leave him pre-affair and during the affair. After the affair? That was when we recovered true intimacy, that was when he was ready to let me see all of him, his whole self. It's messed up but it took the affair to make him realize what love wasn't, and then later, what it was.

I don't expect you to understand but as painful as the affair and the aftermath was, the rebuilding was totally worth it. Our marriage is totally different now. It would have been nice to have a less difficult way of getting here, but at the end of the day, I'm glad we're here.

OP again. I really enjoyed reading this -- I'm happy that you both were able to grow and learn. It takes some folks longer to unpack their baggage, that I understand. With me, he's starting to making me stressed out by just being around him. I get an almost-anxiety attack and it is not healthy. The stress is aging me and making a sick. I'm getting to the point where I am having a hard time functioning but it could be much worse, I could be stuck on a carnival cruise. I try to be positive but I really want him to leave. He is stalling. Hardcore. I think he has a deep rooted fear of abandonment. I wish he'd be graceful about this. That is asking too much.

I'm glad you found some peace on this thread. Listen: you are going through a super shitty time and I'm sorry for that, but it's leading you somewhere. If you can get through this, you can get through anything. He may still be having the affair - is that possible? It takes a while to end them. Don't push. Be strong. You can't control him, you can only control you. Use this opportunity to work on yourself - get stronger, more independent. The irony of my husband's affair is that I had to hit rockbottom to get rid of my crap. How it that I'm MORE secure AFTER his affair? More confident? Etc. It's true - when you are pushed to your limits you have to fight your way back up. But I had to do it. Without his help. The good stuff with the marriage came AFTER I was forced to work on myself. Some of this was going on while he was still extricating himself from the affair, I had no idea.

Google "180 infidelity" and do it! It's not a game or manipulation. You have to let go of your husband. He may came back, he may not, but it's out of your control. You can control you and you have a lot of power to create your own peace and happiness.