My husband cheated once and I'm ready to end it...

[Anonymous]

Male cheating's not a big deal. If he's good as a husband and father that's what matters. Any desirable guy will have female admirers, and he has a biological need to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male cheating's not a big deal. If he's good as a husband and father that's what matters. Any desirable guy will have female admirers, and he has a biological need to have sex.

For most people, "good as a husband and father" is incompatible with lying to your loved ones, hiding from them, taking time and resources away from them to feed your ego or your "biological needs."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male cheating's not a big deal. If he's good as a husband and father that's what matters. Any desirable guy will have female admirers, and he has a biological need to have sex.

I disagree with this. If you are married, I feel for your spouse!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male cheating's not a big deal. If he's good as a husband and father that's what matters. Any desirable guy will have female admirers, and he has a biological need to have sex.

A good husband does not cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male cheating's not a big deal. If he's good as a husband and father that's what matters. Any desirable guy will have female admirers, and he has a biological need to have sex.

A good husband does not cheat.

Sit good boy sit

[Anonymous]

From what we've read here, it seems that maybe some decent men cheat when they're not appreciated and when they're not getting any at home. Maybe these scenarios can be salvaged. It's probably less likely when someone compulsively cheats for the thrill or addiction or ego reinforcement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male cheating's not a big deal. If he's good as a husband and father that's what matters. Any desirable guy will have female admirers, and he has a biological need to have sex.

I'll bake a cake and all will be ok.

[Anonymous]

OP -- try not to jump too fast. If you still have any love for your husband...see if it can possibly worked. When my husband had an affair, all I thought about was myself and my 6 year old daughter. I did not want to be a single mom and I did not want to live on a budget or in an apt. I didn't want the other woman to get my husband, and I wanted my daughter to go to a private school and private university. I waited him out and I'm glad I did. Like an earlier poster, the past is behind me. I had to look at my role in why my DH would stray. I didn't blame myself but I wasn't blame free either.

[Anonymous]

I think his reaction is key. If he has shown genuine remorse and a desire to make things right, that is one thing. If he's impatient because you haven't forgiven him without him really doing very much other than ending the affair, that's a different story. Granted there's a lot of gray area in between but which way the scales are tilting matters a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think his reaction is key. If he has shown genuine remorse and a desire to make things right, that is one thing. If he's impatient because you haven't forgiven him without him really doing very much other than ending the affair, that's a different story. Granted there's a lot of gray area in between but which way the scales are tilting matters a lot.

Totally agree. That said, it may take time for him to get there. We were "working" on our marriage or so I thought for a few months but he was still seeing her, a lot less often, but it was still an affair. Affairs are notoriously difficult to untangle from. Most people have such self-loathing after the initial passion phase wears off that they feel they need the other person to numb them from that. I don't understand it, at all, but it's been helpful to read about it and learn from people's experiences online.

The sexual part finally ended, running its course, then they still were talking/emailing a bit off and on for a few months. Finally, my husband snapped out of it and confessed it had still been going on, which was a horrible nightmare all over again. Though by that time I had done enough work on myself that I could handle it better, and he had been through enough that he didn't want to the man he had turned into anymore. It was then that we started working on the marriage for real. Then I saw true remorse, and a sincere pattern of making things right. It's a long effing road and I never in a million years thought we'd be here. But it does get better and the marriage can get better. He's gotta be out of the affair though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think his reaction is key. If he has shown genuine remorse and a desire to make things right, that is one thing. If he's impatient because you haven't forgiven him without him really doing very much other than ending the affair, that's a different story. Granted there's a lot of gray area in between but which way the scales are tilting matters a lot.

But how do you tell between genuine remorse and shame filled regret, particularly when someone has been caught, details dragged out and so on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think his reaction is key. If he has shown genuine remorse and a desire to make things right, that is one thing. If he's impatient because you haven't forgiven him without him really doing very much other than ending the affair, that's a different story. Granted there's a lot of gray area in between but which way the scales are tilting matters a lot.

But how do you tell between genuine remorse and shame filled regret, particularly when someone has been caught, details dragged out and so on?

When he is a better man. Really. You won't have to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think his reaction is key. If he has shown genuine remorse and a desire to make things right, that is one thing. If he's impatient because you haven't forgiven him without him really doing very much other than ending the affair, that's a different story. Granted there's a lot of gray area in between but which way the scales are tilting matters a lot.

But how do you tell between genuine remorse and shame filled regret, particularly when someone has been caught, details dragged out and so on?

I'm 12:11. For me, my husband was not really regretful and acted put out everytime I discovered continued contact and confronted him (this was all pre-confession of affair). Had more of "why are you checking my things" attitude more than regret that he was being unfaithful.

A few days after he confessed everything, he came over to talk and I made it clear I was willing to work on it and I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he wasn't sure. I'm going to be honest and say that I got pissed. Basically told him that I was willing to work through the terrible thing he'd done and *he wasn't sure* if he wanted to. I told him to get out and I cut off all contact. And 2-3 weeks later, his fantasy world came crashing down and the full impact of what he'd done (and how I was done as far as he knew) hit him.

From the moment we reconciled, he was willing to tell me everything. But, he never volunteered any information. I would ask questions and he would answer (sometimes too honestly). Sometimes, he would say "why do we have to talk about this" thing and I made sure that he knew that his cooperation was not negotiable if he wanted us to reconcile. In his mind, if we talked about it, I would get mad or sad and he didn't want us to sink back into those feelings. I let him know that this was what I needed to heal and if he couldn't do it, we'd have to call it quits. It's weird, but during his affair I acted like a pushover, but after we reconciled, I became so tough. I think a lot had to do with being a bit ashamed at even taking him back, so I punished him quite a bit in the beginning. Definitely not healthy and I wouldn't recommend, but it's how I coped.

The one thing I'm grateful for is that DH confessed everything to me on his own. I was such a trusting dolt that even after the now-obvious proof, I still thought this was an EA, not a PA. So it's a very (very, very, very) small comfort to know that he confessed willingly. Catching your spouse leaves you with all sorts of other questions to torment you.

I said all this to say that you will know he's genuine when he's willing to answer all of your questions openly and honestly. None of that "I don't want to talk about it", "Why are you asking me this" BS. Full disclosure. If he's not willing to do this, he's still being secretive and that's just not acceptable when such a violation of trust has occurred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for taking your time to help me and the others who read this.

I forgive him in the sense that it no longer causes me pain due to the affair. The pain I feel is in myself and my inadequacies in myself. They have come to the forefront because of the situation I am in. I am positive in that I will be ok however walking away from what was my life is oh so hard. I cannot accept another relationship from this same man. If the problems we had before discovering this were it I might have been able to stay. This affair on top of all of his other problems is too much to bear. I'm like a dying butterfly, slowly flapping its wings to keep going. Only until I leave will I be able to get the air I need to survive.

If you are leaning toward leaving, start figuring out your finances. You can resolve that you are leaving, but give yourself time to get your ducks in a row. You can get online and look at you state's child support calculator. Think about custody and how you would like that to work. I'm divorced and it really is important to get those things in order. Also, you'll have to forgive even if you divorce because you will need to have a civil relationship in order to be the best parents for your DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think his reaction is key. If he has shown genuine remorse and a desire to make things right, that is one thing. If he's impatient because you haven't forgiven him without him really doing very much other than ending the affair, that's a different story. Granted there's a lot of gray area in between but which way the scales are tilting matters a lot.

But how do you tell between genuine remorse and shame filled regret, particularly when someone has been caught, details dragged out and so on?

I'm 12:11. For me, my husband was not really regretful and acted put out everytime I discovered continued contact and confronted him (this was all pre-confession of affair). Had more of "why are you checking my things" attitude more than regret that he was being unfaithful.

A few days after he confessed everything, he came over to talk and I made it clear I was willing to work on it and I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he wasn't sure. I'm going to be honest and say that I got pissed. Basically told him that I was willing to work through the terrible thing he'd done and *he wasn't sure* if he wanted to. I told him to get out and I cut off all contact. And 2-3 weeks later, his fantasy world came crashing down and the full impact of what he'd done (and how I was done as far as he knew) hit him.

From the moment we reconciled, he was willing to tell me everything. But, he never volunteered any information. I would ask questions and he would answer (sometimes too honestly). Sometimes, he would say "why do we have to talk about this" thing and I made sure that he knew that his cooperation was not negotiable if he wanted us to reconcile. In his mind, if we talked about it, I would get mad or sad and he didn't want us to sink back into those feelings. I let him know that this was what I needed to heal and if he couldn't do it, we'd have to call it quits. It's weird, but during his affair I acted like a pushover, but after we reconciled, I became so tough. I think a lot had to do with being a bit ashamed at even taking him back, so I punished him quite a bit in the beginning. Definitely not healthy and I wouldn't recommend, but it's how I coped.

The one thing I'm grateful for is that DH confessed everything to me on his own. I was such a trusting dolt that even after the now-obvious proof, I still thought this was an EA, not a PA. So it's a very (very, very, very) small comfort to know that he confessed willingly. Catching your spouse leaves you with all sorts of other questions to torment you.

I said all this to say that you will know he's genuine when he's willing to answer all of your questions openly and honestly. None of that "I don't want to talk about it", "Why are you asking me this" BS. Full disclosure. If he's not willing to do this, he's still being secretive and that's just not acceptable when such a violation of trust has occurred.

PP here whose husband had 2 year affair. Can relate to so much of this. I also stupidly thought it was an EA for the first several months we dealt with it. But, I've forgiven myself for that. Was I naive, sure, but I trusted my husband. Too much, and it was a mistake, but oh well. I also toughened up a bit. I learned a lot more about my needs, how to articulate them, how to get them met, and a big lesson, that I was depending on my husband for too much (could and should meet some of my own needs). I mean, I don't want to paint myself as this clueless wallflower. I have a good career, friends, close family, I push myself physically and think of myself as tough in some ways, etc. But I played a part in allowing myself to get swallowed up in our marriage. Obviously DH had made a lot of mistakes too.

But back to your post: agree that when my husband was FINALLY ready to reveal, I had to ask the questions. But he did confess willingly. I would have never known about the sexual part and how long it lasted had he not opened up. Telling the details made it not just something they shared. It went to this "intimate" experience between the two of them (I don't think affairs have a lot of intimacy. There is so much selfishness and lying to each other, the spouses, and to themselves) to something we were dealing with. In a way, it took some of the power out of it. Still sucked though.