insecure around beautiful friend
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Anonymous
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I am a female, mid 40's, intelligent and reasonably attractive, with a good career (subspecialty surgeon), wonderful marriage, and happy/healthy kids. In general, I am confident, know my value, secure in my relationships, and do not put a lot of emphasis on looks. However, I have one friend, who is SO drop-dead gorgeous, that I am intimidated by her. Her face, hair, body, skin--everything is flawless. Her fashion sense is amazing. She is confident, eloquent, and (not that it is important) but very wealthy. I find myself comparing myself and in-general--being in awe of her whenever we are together.
Now, this friend is nothing but loving and open with me (we have known each other for about 8 years, have gone on girls' trips together, hang out 2-3 times/month). She always reaches out to spend time together and tells me how much our friendship means to her. She is fun and funny and I enjoy our time together. The problem is, I never feel like I can completely relax around her because she is just SO perfect. Even when she is vulnerable--which is not often--her problems seem so "not-problematic" (I know that sounds horrible). My question is--I've spent the last 12 years trying to relax into our friendship and be completely myself and vulnerable with her, but I can't. I still need to dress up, do my makeup etc. before I meet this friend. What can I do to not be intimidated by her, and open up to her enough to enjoy her company more fully? I know it's a ME problem, and not HER. It's my insecurities. How do I move on and enjoy our friendship, which I value, and I know she values it too. PS--I do have a small group of friends who are my ride-or-die, hang out in pajamas sans makeup, love-me-at my-worst friends. |
Anonymous
| Edited to add—I’ve known her for 12 years but only been close friends for 8 |
Anonymous
| I wonder if you have a little crush on her? So it’s not a comparison thing, but you want to impress her because you like her so damn much? |
Anonymous
| I don't mean this the mean way it sounds, but you should seek therapy. You're putting way too much stock into looks. Not only that, you can't stop thinking about hers and comparing yourself. Unhealthy. |
CosmicFlower
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| Have you ever thought about being completely honest with her? It might be scary, but opening up could actually bring you closer. She might even have insecurities of her own that you'd never guess. True friendship isn't about being perfect. It's about accepting each other, flaws and all. Maybe next time, try showing up in your comfy clothes, without makeup and see what happens. You might be surprised! |
Anonymous
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divorce her
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Anonymous
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Psychiatrist here. My guess is that it’s her. Whenever you are around someone and they make you feel something you don’t normally feel, it’s almost always coming from them. Anxious people make you feel anxious. Expansive manic people make you feel happy and great, etc. I did have to do a lot of my own work in therapy to figure out what’s coming from me and what’s from my patients, but my guess is that this is coming from her. She feels insecure and you are picking up on it.
On a side note, I’m jealous that you have so many friends. As a working mom, I feel like I hardly have any friends. The fact that you have gone on multiple girls trips with her, and she isn’t even one of your closest friends has me incredibly jealous! |
Anonymous
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You're getting some bad advice so far, OP.
-I definitely would not say anything to her. That is weird. -And of course the Everyone is secretly gay" poster has to show up. Psychologically, most people like to be around people who feel at the same level to them. It's hard to be around someone who consistently has a better career, more money, healthier family, better looking, whatever. Some of us do better with it than others, but I have found that a steady diet of someone who has "more" of something that you would like to have is exhausting. It is the constant reminder that you don't have it. That being said, 1) I'm sure you're not the only person who feels this way around her, and she values you so much because you are a good and committed friend to her. That is a huge gift to her. 2) You can either stair step it down on how "done" you get when you're around her and see how it goes, or continue to put in a bit of effort when you're around her. Or lastly, which would be a shame, stop being around her. I do wonder, given your remark about her problems don't seem that problematic--though you recognize it was an unfair thought--that deep down you sort of resent her. If so, you might think about why that is? |
Anonymous
Despite your credentials, I don't completely buy this. I only take on other people's anxiety if I love them and become anxious FOR them. If I'm around someone with expansive manic moods, I have to be in that same head space to enjoy it, otherwise I can find it irritating. I think people seek people in likeminded spaces. That's why friends say thing like, I really get you, or I found my people. I don't disagree that OP's friend could be insecure. And I think it's highly possible she feels intimidated by all the success OP has in her life. But nothing in the OP hints at that. It would just be a guess. OP's friend is exuding kindness, and OP feels intimidated by her looks--according to her. OP needs to wrap her head around WHY that is. Does she resent her? Does she want to be prettier? Does she feel the need to be the most perfect when in a group? Do have the level of success that she does have, has she had to be the best at everything, and this friend touches on a nerve of "not perfect" and that is not acceptable? If she can figure that out, she can either let it go and embrace the friendship, or decide that it isn't worth it to constantly aggravate that insecurity. |
Anonymous
So glad I am not a woman. I'll never feel this way next to a jacked and drop dead gorgeous man lol |
Anonymous
So what's the real difference between these friends and the friend you described? Just that she's more "perfect" than they are? I can see not wanting to grab lunch in your workout clothes and no makeup with someone who just got their hair blown out and is a Chanel suit, so maybe the issue is you feel like you have to be on your best behavior around here all the time because she does the same? I don't think I have any friends like that so I'm just trying to understand. It's almost like you're in the beginning stages of dating her where you want to run to the bathroom to put on some makeup before he wakes up versus the being married 10 years and not being afraid of how you look in the mornings? It's interesting that it's been that way for 12 years, but maybe it's just that if she is always perfect, you feel like you need to be as well. If that's the case, I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it. |
Anonymous
| I’m the pp who suggested the crush. There’s a huge difference between being “secretly gay” and having a crush on someone of the same gender. It doesn’t mean you want to divorce your spouse and start a new rainbow colored life. It’s a spark, an attraction that can be sexual or can be platonic, but is more than a typical friendship. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP you're responding to. I concede that a crush can be something different in the early stages of a friendship than secretly gay. But this is 12 years of knowing her. There is more of a connection than a crush at this point. I think I could have had a friendship that would fall in your "crush" category. The friend was new and different and a lot of things that I would love to be. But after a while, there was no way I could be like her and all her "a lot-ness" became exhausting for me, and my not trying to be a lot was boring for her. We never found a plane where we could meet and both be at ease. |
Anonymous
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I see no problem, OP.
Not all of your friends will be ride-or-die friends. There are different levels of friendship. This friend can be inspiration for you. And I promise you, at some point she will have the same terrible problems we all have... |
Anonymous
You are a psychiatrist and you think manic people make others feel “happy and great”? Ok. Whatever you say. OP, I think your insight into the situation— that this is coming from you, not her—is likely correct. But it is very common to feel insecure around extremely attractive people but to want to be around them anyway. |