insecure around beautiful friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Psychiatrist here. My guess is that it’s her. Whenever you are around someone and they make you feel something you don’t normally feel, it’s almost always coming from them. Anxious people make you feel anxious. Expansive manic people make you feel happy and great, etc. I did have to do a lot of my own work in therapy to figure out what’s coming from me and what’s from my patients, but my guess is that this is coming from her. She feels insecure and you are picking up on it.

On a side note, I’m jealous that you have so many friends. As a working mom, I feel like I hardly have any friends. The fact that you have gone on multiple girls trips with her, and she isn’t even one of your closest friends has me incredibly jealous!

MD here. This is a smart psychiatrist. Well done, fellow doc!

OP, I would also add that it's important to remember how high functioning you are, and how you appear to the rest of the world. I mean, read your OP. You're a subspec surgeon, great family, successful, you may not be gorgeous like your friend, but I bet you look great. Now ask yourself how many people around you may have the reaction to you that you have to your friend. Also ask yourself, honestly, how many women intimidate you. Not many, right? As a fellow subspec physician and mom, I'm really proud of where I am in life. Very few women make me look at my own life and think I did it wrong. So, you get used to feeling a bit of superiority (I don't mean that in a mean way), and it's unsettling and unfamiliar to feel less-than. Cheesy as it sounds, consider it an opportunity to up your game, whether it's in fashion, fitness, problem-solving, etc. And maybe at this point that feels exhausting and you don't want that, but I bet very few women in your orbit cause you to reach a bit. It's not a bad thing.

Either way you sound self-aware and kind. Be proud of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a female, mid 40's, intelligent and reasonably attractive, with a good career (subspecialty surgeon), wonderful marriage, and happy/healthy kids. In general, I am confident, know my value, secure in my relationships, and do not put a lot of emphasis on looks. However, I have one friend, who is SO drop-dead gorgeous, that I am intimidated by her. Her face, hair, body, skin--everything is flawless. Her fashion sense is amazing. She is confident, eloquent, and (not that it is important) but very wealthy. I find myself comparing myself and in-general--being in awe of her whenever we are together.

Now, this friend is nothing but loving and open with me (we have known each other for about 8 years, have gone on girls' trips together, hang out 2-3 times/month). She always reaches out to spend time together and tells me how much our friendship means to her. She is fun and funny and I enjoy our time together. The problem is, I never feel like I can completely relax around her because she is just SO perfect. Even when she is vulnerable--which is not often--her problems seem so "not-problematic" (I know that sounds horrible).

My question is--I've spent the last 12 years trying to relax into our friendship and be completely myself and vulnerable with her, but I can't. I still need to dress up, do my makeup etc. before I meet this friend. What can I do to not be intimidated by her, and open up to her enough to enjoy her company more fully? I know it's a ME problem, and not HER. It's my insecurities. How do I move on and enjoy our friendship, which I value, and I know she values it too.

PS--I do have a small group of friends who are my ride-or-die, hang out in pajamas sans makeup, love-me-at my-worst friends.

Why do all women tell everyone how intelligent they are without actually demonstrating it.

She's a subspecialty surgeon. Is that enough demonstration for you? For F's sake. There's always someone who wants to cut women down, I swear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Psychiatrist here. My guess is that it’s her. Whenever you are around someone and they make you feel something you don’t normally feel, it’s almost always coming from them. Anxious people make you feel anxious. Expansive manic people make you feel happy and great, etc. I did have to do a lot of my own work in therapy to figure out what’s coming from me and what’s from my patients, but my guess is that this is coming from her. She feels insecure and you are picking up on it.

On a side note, I’m jealous that you have so many friends. As a working mom, I feel like I hardly have any friends. The fact that you have gone on multiple girls trips with her, and she isn’t even one of your closest friends has me incredibly jealous!

MD here. This is a smart psychiatrist. Well done, fellow doc!

OP, I would also add that it's important to remember how high functioning you are, and how you appear to the rest of the world. I mean, read your OP. You're a subspec surgeon, great family, successful, you may not be gorgeous like your friend, but I bet you look great. Now ask yourself how many people around you may have the reaction to you that you have to your friend. Also ask yourself, honestly, how many women intimidate you. Not many, right? As a fellow subspec physician and mom, I'm really proud of where I am in life. Very few women make me look at my own life and think I did it wrong. So, you get used to feeling a bit of superiority (I don't mean that in a mean way), and it's unsettling and unfamiliar to feel less-than. Cheesy as it sounds, consider it an opportunity to up your game, whether it's in fashion, fitness, problem-solving, etc. And maybe at this point that feels exhausting and you don't want that, but I bet very few women in your orbit cause you to reach a bit. It's not a bad thing.

Either way you sound self-aware and kind. Be proud of yourself.

Or you could realize that you are now mid-40s and in a great place, and be content. Continual striving is pretty exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. You are a busy professional surgeon, and you have lots of close women friends, and you still manage to see this other woman 2-3 times a month. No snark. That sounds like a great situation. I would try not to feel insecure.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're a narcissist and threatened by her

[Anonymous]

troll....no surgeon mom with a super busy work and family life is stressing over petty bs like this.....get a life will ya?

[Anonymous]

CosmicFlower wrote:Have you ever thought about being completely honest with her? It might be scary, but opening up could actually bring you closer. She might even have insecurities of her own that you'd never guess. True friendship isn't about being perfect. It's about accepting each other, flaws and all. Maybe next time, try showing up in your comfy clothes, without makeup and see what happens. You might be surprised!

This reads like the beginning of bad erotica lol

[Anonymous]

Wow!! you are a surgeon!!!

[Anonymous]

Psychiatrist here. My guess is that it’s her. Whenever you are around someone and they make you feel something you don’t normally feel, it’s almost always coming from them. Anxious people make you feel anxious. Expansive manic people make you feel happy and great, etc. I did have to do a lot of my own work in therapy to figure out what’s coming from me and what’s from my patients, but my guess is that this is coming from her. She feels insecure and you are picking up on it.

On a side note, I’m jealous that you have so many friends. As a working mom, I feel like I hardly have any friends. The fact that you have gone on multiple girls trips with her, and she isn’t even one of your closest friends has me incredibly jealous!

MD here. This is a smart psychiatrist. Well done, fellow doc!

OP, I would also add that it's important to remember how high functioning you are, and how you appear to the rest of the world. I mean, read your OP. You're a subspec surgeon, great family, successful, you may not be gorgeous like your friend, but I bet you look great. Now ask yourself how many people around you may have the reaction to you that you have to your friend. Also ask yourself, honestly, how many women intimidate you. Not many, right? As a fellow subspec physician and mom, I'm really proud of where I am in life. Very few women make me look at my own life and think I did it wrong. So, you get used to feeling a bit of superiority (I don't mean that in a mean way), and it's unsettling and unfamiliar to feel less-than. Cheesy as it sounds, consider it an opportunity to up your game, whether it's in fashion, fitness, problem-solving, etc. And maybe at this point that feels exhausting and you don't want that, but I bet very few women in your orbit cause you to reach a bit. It's not a bad thing.

Either way you sound self-aware and kind. Be proud of yourself.

Or you could realize that you are now mid-40s and in a great place, and be content. Continual striving is pretty exhausting.

Which is why I said the above about that feeling exhausting and the OP may not want that.

[Anonymous]

NP - this is such a common and universal situation that it's the premise for an international bestseller:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neapolitan_Novels

[Anonymous]

I find telling myself positive affirmations helps.

Also standing tall, with your shoulders back will give you more confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Psychiatrist here. My guess is that it’s her. Whenever you are around someone and they make you feel something you don’t normally feel, it’s almost always coming from them. Anxious people make you feel anxious. Expansive manic people make you feel happy and great, etc. I did have to do a lot of my own work in therapy to figure out what’s coming from me and what’s from my patients, but my guess is that this is coming from her. She feels insecure and you are picking up on it.

On a side note, I’m jealous that you have so many friends. As a working mom, I feel like I hardly have any friends. The fact that you have gone on multiple girls trips with her, and she isn’t even one of your closest friends has me incredibly jealous!

MD here. This is a smart psychiatrist. Well done, fellow doc!

OP, I would also add that it's important to remember how high functioning you are, and how you appear to the rest of the world. I mean, read your OP. You're a subspec surgeon, great family, successful, you may not be gorgeous like your friend, but I bet you look great. Now ask yourself how many people around you may have the reaction to you that you have to your friend. Also ask yourself, honestly, how many women intimidate you. Not many, right? As a fellow subspec physician and mom, I'm really proud of where I am in life. Very few women make me look at my own life and think I did it wrong. So, you get used to feeling a bit of superiority (I don't mean that in a mean way), and it's unsettling and unfamiliar to feel less-than. Cheesy as it sounds, consider it an opportunity to up your game, whether it's in fashion, fitness, problem-solving, etc. And maybe at this point that feels exhausting and you don't want that, but I bet very few women in your orbit cause you to reach a bit. It's not a bad thing.

Either way you sound self-aware and kind. Be proud of yourself.

It’s very interesting that you phrased this in this way. It shows that the default so many of us have for measuring ourselves and our accomplishments is looking at other people. I’m doing better than other people= I’m doing life right. If all of a sudden something bad happened and you didn’t feel so “superior,” would that make you question all the choices that brought you to that place? Hmm. To a certain extent that’s normal but also a recipe for a rude wake up call at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:troll....no surgeon mom with a super busy work and family life is stressing over petty bs like this.....get a life will ya?

She also says in the op that she is friends with the woman for 8 years and then 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:troll....no surgeon mom with a super busy work and family life is stressing over petty bs like this.....get a life will ya?

I know some ENT’s who work part-time, are moms, and stress over stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

She probably feels the same way about you because you seem really smart and successful to her. What would you do if she tried to kiss you?